


Innocence

by crackernow



Series: Obedience [3]
Category: Disobedience (2017), Disobedience - Naomi Alderman
Genre: Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Origin Story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-06-22 07:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 43
Words: 127,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15576699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackernow/pseuds/crackernow
Summary: The beginnings.A prequel to Disobedience, Disobey and Defiance.





	1. The Sunflower

The first time I noticed Esti was at her _Bat Chayil_ ; truly noticed her, I mean. I’d always been aware of her, because our community was small, and everyone knew everyone. She was the Halper’s only daughter, a quiet mouse who only ever made a peep when teachers addressed her directly and even then, she didn’t say much. Even when we played games or sports at school, her participation was marked simply by her presence and nothing more. I think her solitary nature came from having lethargic, older parents; they were both so dreadfully pious and boring.

I remember her father would often visit mine. He’d come to our house to discuss things I neither cared about nor wanted to hear. He would always bring Esti with him, and she would dawdle awkwardly in the hallway or wait obediently outside the room they were speaking in.

‘Take Esti to the garden.’ My father commanded on a recent occasion, as he sat Mr Halper down in the living room.

‘I’m busy.’ I said, although I was twelve years old and I wasn’t busy.

‘Take her, Ronit. Show her the sunflower you have grown.’

I rolled my eyes and trudged towards the back door, I heard Esti’s faint footfall behind me. I yanked the door open and stepped onto the broken patio slabs of our dilapidated garden. A forest of dry, brown, crispy stalks poked out of the parched soil of about twenty plant pots. I’d often been told my mother was an avid gardener, but when she died, all of her flowers shortly followed. Only one adolescent sunflower gave our bleak garden colour now, it stood almost as tall as me in the deepest terracotta pot we had.

‘This is my sunflower.’ I muttered, gesturing to the plant.

‘It’s… nice.’ Esti offered, she touched one of the light green leaves.

‘It’s stupid. He made me grow it, I don’t care about it.’

‘Why did he make you grow it?’

I shrugged.

‘I like it.’ She raised her fingers, so they brushed against the petals gently. That was the first time I noticed her hands. They looked soft, dusted with pale freckles and I couldn’t help but note how cautious her fingers were.

Her _Bat Chayil_ was hosted on the evening of her twelfth birthday, and it was during her _d’var Torah_ when my ears perked up, and I sat forward. Normally I tuned out of the entire service; I would count the number of coughs or grunts I could hear from the men sitting below me, I would slouch forward and poke my fingers through the small holes of the railings, or if I was sitting at the back I would just close my eyes and imagine I was somewhere else.

This service was much the same until Esti stood in the centre of the synagogue with her parents. She was facing the viewing gallery because girls weren’t allowed to stand at the _bimah_. I heard her voice shake before I saw her; her father rested a wrinkled hand in between her slim shoulders. She giggled anxiously when she stammered a few times; no one else in the synagogue laughed but I smiled naturally. I was leaning over the bench; my chin resting on the back of my hands as I watched her.

I realised this was the most I’d ever heard her voice; it sounded richer than I remembered, and I suppose I’d also never noticed that her mouth twitched when she was nervous. I detected an oddly enticing sound she made in her throat whenever she read an odd word of Hebrew. It was when she started quoting Anne Frank and talking about the forgotten women in Judaism that I saw some of the elder men in the pews glancing around, as if they were agitated, and I felt a defensive heat burn the tip of my ears.

Afterwards I descended from the gallery with the other women, I saw a pink-cheeked Esti receiving blessings and congratulations from a crowd of younger men. I approached her, and I just smiled; I must have looked so stupid. I just wanted to tell her that I enjoyed her speech, that I thought it was funny when she started laughing and to say _mazel tov_ for her birthday, but I didn’t have time. I think she smiled back at me, but she was hurried away by her parents, to another function to celebrate her coming of age, her adulthood, her oath to the Jewish community.

After that, I began studying her; I made a point of observing her whenever I could. She became a curious figure that I pondered on, so much so that I started to seek her out at school and in the synagogue. I suddenly wanted to get to know her, I think I wanted to be her friend.

In Jewish Studies, she would always take the seat next to the right-hand wall, and she always sat alone. It was our first lesson on Monday morning; I entered the classroom and she was already seated where I expected her to be. Her crinkled book sat in front of her, ready for her devoted notetaking. Keren was beckoning me to take my usual seat next to her, but I shook my head and made my way to Esti’s desk.

‘Can I sit here?’ I asked her. She looked up at me and nodded without saying anything.

I pulled the red plastic chair out and sat down, throwing my satchel onto the floor at the same time. Esti straightened up and rested her elbows on her book. I saw her hands again, the same hands that had touched the sunflower in our garden.

‘My sunflower died.’ I said, spontaneously. Her eyebrows knotted, and I saw her lips curve slightly, but she still said nothing. ‘The Rav was really angry.’ I continued, wanting to see more of her smile. ‘He… made me apologise to it.’ That forced her to laugh, and an unexpected flutter of joy nestled within me.

‘What did you say to it?’ She asked quietly.

‘I said… “I’m sorry I killed you”.’

She continued to chuckle, but she kept her eyes on the classroom door; she hadn’t turned to look at me even though I had practically twisted my whole body to face her.

Miss Stern entered the room then; our Jewish Studies teacher. She was young and currently unmarried, though she was vowed to someone that we didn’t know the name of. She always spoke of her wedding day as though it was imminent, sometimes as though it had already happened, but she never wore a _sheitel_.

‘Hello girls.’ She said, hanging her bag and coat up, the class responded unenthusiastically. Esti’s face had dropped now, and her eyes were lower; her slender fingers tracing the outline of her book. ‘How are we all today?’

Miss Stern had a pretty face, she had a delicate olive colour to her skin and the faint hint of an accent I couldn’t place. I pulled a scrap of paper from my bag. I leant into Esti, the aroma of clean clothes and lemons drifted from her.

‘Do you have a pen I could bor-’ I started.

‘Oh Ronit,’ Miss Stern remarked. ‘You’ve moved.’

‘I did, Miss.’

‘Well… that’s absolutely fine! Keren, why don’t you come to the front and sit with Hinda? We’re doing group work today, so… there’s a girl, thank you, thank you.’

I inclined my head and Keren was frowning at me as she stalked to the front; I got the feeling she’d been glowering at me since I snubbed her. I turned back to Esti, who was holding up a pen.

‘Thanks.’ I whispered and took it, it was warm from where she’d had it in her palm. She still hadn’t looked up properly.

‘Okay good, everyone has a partner. Brilliant. So, today girls,’ Miss Stern started flicking through some papers that sat in a tray on her desk. ‘We’re carrying on with our work on the importance, historical relevance and tradition of  _hadlokas neiros_ , yes? Candle-lighting. Do we all remember that? I would like a point from each of you and I would _love_ to hear some discussion between you, so don’t be shy please.’ She picked up a stack of the papers and wandered around the classroom distributing them.

When she reached our desk, I noticed Esti had stooped further forward. I thanked Miss Stern for the handout, but Esti’s appreciation was muted.

‘If anyone has any questions, please raise your hand and I’ll be right over.’

I gazed at the paper she’d given me with a blank pair of eyes. I huffed and immediately started doodling on it while Esti studied it for a while.

‘I think the most important thing is,’ Esti murmured, her voice barely audible over the sound of Miss Stern’s humming. ‘When candle-lighting origina-’

‘Do you want to come to my house tonight?’ I interrupted her, twiddling with the pen she’d lent me.

‘I… think my aunt is visiting.’

‘You can come over before… or after?’

She hesitated. ‘O-okay, why?’

‘I just thought… you could help me bury my sunflower.’

I thought I heard her laugh again, through her nose. ‘Okay.’ She repeated.

I twirled the pen in my fingers; I felt lighter.

‘Ronit, Esti,’ Miss Stern approached us, so I flipped my paper over. Again, Esti’s head fell as though she was trying to avoid the teacher entirely. ‘I heard some nattering over here, what have we come up with?’

My eyes skimmed the paper, I tried to find some feeble answer to her question when Esti cleared her throat.

‘ _Exodus 35:3_ said: _you shall not kindle fire on the Sabbath_ ,’ she spoke with a warble. Miss Stern had bent down and was leaning over us, she was so close that I could see golden flecks in her reddish hair. ‘But at some point, the leaders of the faith said… that candles must be lit in every room of the house.’ She gave a small cough. ‘And they used _Proverbs 6:23_ to defend it.’

‘Very, very good Esti. Do you know it?’

‘ _For a commandment is a candle, and the Torah is light_.’

Miss Stern was nodding and clearly impressed, but I was staring Esti; she was acting peculiarly. ‘And why did they do that? Ronit? Do you know?’

‘Oh,’ I said, my eyes snapped back to the unhelpful paper in front of me then back to the teacher. ‘Probably because it’s hard to eat chicken soup in the dark.’

Miss Stern chortled. ‘I suppose in a way you’re correct. What else?’

I paused. ‘Everyone kept burning the _challah_ because they couldn’t see the oven.’

‘Well... it’s a refreshing perspective.’ She shook her head calmly, still smiling. ‘Perhaps you sitting next to Esti is a good thing. Good work, Esti.’ Miss Stern tapped Esti’s hand and stood up to go to another table; through her hair, I saw Esti’s jaw twitch.

‘Do you not like Miss Stern?’ I asked Esti, afterwards.

‘What?’ She asked me, looking back over her shoulder; she hadn't realised I'd been tailing her.

‘Do you not like her? It’s just you didn’t look at her at all. If you don’t like her, I get it. She’s a-’

‘I do like her.’ Esti said, her voice was rushed.

‘She’s always talking about her make-believe husband.’

‘No, I- I do like her. She’s… nice.’

‘Oh okay,’ I didn’t know what else to say, so I just walked with her to our next class. I heard Keren call me back, but I pretended not to hear her.

 

At the end of the day I saw Esti leaving the toilets, so again I followed her; I didn’t know what was quite wrong with me, but I suppose I just wanted to make sure she was still intending to come over.

‘Hi.’ I said, hurrying alongside her.

‘Oh, hi.’ She gave me a small smile and tucked her hands into her cardigan pockets.

‘Did you still want to come over?’

She nodded. ‘If you still wanted.’

‘Yeah, that’s fi- I do. Do you need to tell your parents?’

She shook her head.

‘What about your aunt?’

‘I got confused about the days.’

That was all we said for a while, as we walked out of the school gates and along the main road of our suburb, the aorta of Hendon.

‘You can come over now then, if you wanted? The Rav’s busy tonight, so we can-’

‘Why do you call him the Rav?’ She asked me curiously, taking me slightly by surprise.

‘Because… he is the Rav.’

‘But you don’t call him ‘dad’, or ‘father’.’

‘I do… sometimes.’

‘I haven’t heard you call him that.’

I felt myself frowning. ‘He’s more the Rav than he is my father. Maybe that’s why.’

I saw her mouth twitch, her eyes remained fixed ahead. She was quiet again; she almost spoke in bursts. I preferred it when she talked, I didn’t like the silence.

I unlocked the door to the house and we stepped inside. I always thought our house smelled like dust and old books, the odour of a very old, neglected library. I hung my bag up on a door handle and ushered Esti in. She hung her satchel up with mine and we took our shoes off by the mantelpiece. I saw her eyes flicker around the room, but she was still mute.

‘Do you want some juice?’ I offered as I ambled to the kitchen, pulling the fridge door open and pulling out a carton of kosher-certified mango juice.

‘Please.’ She walked in and stood by the table, but didn’t sit or lean against it; I saw her head turn towards the garden. ‘Where are we burying your sunflower?’

I scoffed. ‘I was only joking about burying it.’

‘Oh,’ she took the juice I handed her and sipped at it through pursed lips.

‘That’s silly.’ I was grinning at her. ‘Did you _really_ think I’d bury a sunflower?’

‘Well, I didn’t know.’ I saw that smile again, creeping onto her face; I loved it.

‘I can’t believe you thought I’d bury a sunflower.’ I took a swig of my own juice. ‘And you didn’t think I was a lunatic.’

We were both giggling now, in between mouthfuls of drink.

‘I never told you...' I started speaking. 'That I liked your talk, about Jewish women and Anne Frank, at your _Bat Chayil_.’

‘You did?’ Her fair eyebrows raised, and her lips pouted slightly. ‘I don’t think anyone else did.’

‘Well I did.’

‘Thank you, Ronit.’

I gave a curt nod and drained my glass. ‘Did you want to see my bedroom? I have a paint set from my birthday I haven’t opened yet.’ But Esti just nodded placidly again, and I worried I had suggested the wrong thing. ‘We _can_ bury the sunflower, if you want.’

She smirked. ‘No, we…. Can- can I see it? It’s just… it takes a lot to kill a sunflower. It might still be alive.’

‘I doubt it. It’s gone all brown, and the petals have started falling off.’

‘It probably just needs water.’

I rolled my tongue over my teeth, feeling the fuzzy remnants the juice had left. ‘Okay, Dr. Sunflower. This way.’

We went out into the garden and approached the sad flower, sitting in its thirsty soil littered with brittle petals.

‘When was the last time you watered it?’ Esti asked.

‘When was the last time it rained?’

She laughed and dropped to her knees to touch the soil. I looked at her hands again, I felt my bottom lip pull away from my top slightly.

‘I think it’s still alive.’ She stood up and I brought my eyes back to her face. ‘Do you have a watering can?’

I stalled. ‘Yes, yes I think… it’s in the shed.’ I took a few steps and yanked the shed door open, I pulled out the old metal watering can that was smothered in cobwebs and ran it to the hose. I filled it up halfway and returned it to Esti, who let it trickle lightly over the soil, turning the cracked, pale brown a dark, moist colour.

‘That should help.’ She rested the can down and stared at the plant, her jaw looked tighter.

‘How do you know so much about sunflowers?’

‘It’s not just sunflowers.’ She shrugged. ‘My mother has arthritis, and she can’t… garden very much now, so she taught me.’

‘Oh.’

‘If you water it again tomorrow, and the day after… it should be okay again.’

‘Thanks, Esti.’

‘It’s okay.’ She looked at me and lowered her head.

‘Do you want to paint now?’ I suggested, and she nodded.

We went back inside; the house was cool. I led her back through the kitchen, and towards the stairs. She paused by the mantelpiece; staring at the black and white portrait of a woman, fading inside a busy, silver frame.

‘Is that your mother?’ She asked, her hands were hanging by her sides.

I had already gone up a few steps, so I leant on the bannister. ‘Yes.’

‘You look like her.’

I didn’t say anything for a minute, I took a deep breath and exhaled through my nostrils. ‘Sunflowers were her favourite.’ I offered in a subdued voice. ‘That’s why the Rav- my father asked me to grow one.’

She was considering the photograph, and then she turned and looked up at me. ‘Then… maybe I can come over again tomorrow… to make sure it gets watered.’

I experienced an unexpected spark of excitement in my abdomen. ‘That would be… nice.’

She made her way for the stairs and followed me to my bedroom; we painted for an hour or two. I created a large grey castle, surrounded by blue skies and fighting soldiers with arrows and boulders mercilessly flying everywhere. Esti painted a sunflower.


	2. The Cigarette

For the past few weeks I had been going to Ronit’s house after school. Initially, it was only to save her sunflower; which, to my relief, had started to stand up straighter and had recently grown a mane of bright yellow petals around the centre.

‘It looks so healthy.’ Ronit commented one evening; the sun was setting earlier now, and it was already twilight. Her eyes looked darker, framed by her long, curved eyelashes. They rose slowly when she looked at me. It gave me a queer, unsettling feeling whenever I noticed things like that; the depth of her eyes, the smell of her hair, the husky sound of her laugh. Trivial things, that in no way should have affected me, suddenly became very powerful and drove me to pursing my lips shut, or biting my tongue to avoid thinking about it.

‘It just needed a lot of water.’ I said, stroking one of the young petals.

‘But not too much water, because of root rot.’ Ronit replied.

A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. ‘You listened.’

‘Of course.’

When the sunflower showed signs of full recovery, we started to do other things. We would paint in her bedroom a lot, she’d taped my painting of a sunflower to her wall. I didn’t know why, but it warmed me. We would bake… well, I would bake, and Ronit would eat. We built a small den in the hydrangea bush in her garden, where we had started to sit when the weather was mild enough.

Ronit always made the suggestions. I was happy to do whatever she asked of me, mostly. I still wasn’t entirely sure why she’d started talking to me, or why she’d invited me to be her friend in the first place. I wasn’t used to the attention, especially from someone as popular as Ronit, but I didn’t feel I was in a position to refuse her, I never wanted to refuse her.

Though I started to learn more about her in those weeks; she was energetic, frightfully so. She always had a suggestion, an activity, an idea. Usually they were spontaneous and poorly thought out.

‘Let’s climb on top of the school.’ She suggested one day, as we stepped out of the gates.

‘What?’

‘I found a ladder around the back the other day, near the bins. I think it goes to the roof.’

‘Why do you want to go onto the roof?’

She shrugged. ‘Might be fun.’

‘It’s probably just full of pigeons.’

She snorted and scratched her chin. ‘You’re probably right. It sounded more fun in my head.’

Normally I’d be able to curb the ridiculous ideas or negotiate them enough so that we didn’t end up hurting ourselves or getting into trouble. Though a lot of the time it was difficult, because she always made everything seem so attractive.

One evening after school she took me upstairs, and I mindlessly made my way to her bedroom, but she’d turned on the landing and was heading towards the Rav’s study.

‘What are you doing?’ I asked her, remaining outside her bedroom.

‘Come here.’ She said through a playful grin.

‘I- I don’t think we should.’

‘Oh, come on Esti. He’s out, it’s okay.’ She was gripping the door handle, hanging on it; depressing it and making it clunk loudly. ‘I want to show you something.’

I took a few uncertain steps towards her and she let herself into the study. The smell of old smoke inside assaulted me; it was acrid and dank, as though the fumes had saturated each stitch of the upholstery. I was about to cover my nose with my sleeve, but I thought that would appear rude, so I started breathing through my mouth.

Ronit was already on her hands and knees, digging around in the biggest drawer of the mahogany sideboard. She’d already taken off her tights, that was the first thing she did when she got in. She also rolled up her skirt as at the waistband, revealing her lean calves; she had skinny ankles, they dipped in at the heel and her feet were longer than mine.

‘They’re usually here, ugh, where’ve they gone?’ She was elbow deep in the drawer now. ‘Ah! Here they are.’ She pulled out a ragged, old cardboard box, just bigger than the size of her palm.

‘What is it?’

‘They’re cigarettes, Esti.’ She spoke with her lofty voice. She pulled one, long white cigarette from the packet and held it out for me to take.

I looked down at it, then I looked at Ronit. Her brown eyes were scrutinising me, so to stifle the odd rouse of emotion I took the stick from her and inspected it. It felt wrong, but it also felt tempting. Just like everything I did with her.

‘I think we should put it back.’ I said, meekly.

‘I think we should smoke it.’

‘Won’t he notice?’

‘I think he’s forgotten they’re here.’ She took the cigarette from my hand and sniffed it. ‘He smokes cigars anyway. I don’t know how these got here.’

‘Isn’t it… bad?’

‘Everything is bad, really.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means exactly what I said.’ Her hand dropped, as though she was frustrated. ‘Everything is always going to be bad to someone, isn’t it? It’s just an opinion.’

‘I don’t understand.’

She sighed. ‘Okay, so… eating animals is bad to some people, but you eat animals, don’t you? Being a Jew is bad to some people, but you’re a Jew.’

‘So… smoking is bad to some people and…’

‘You need to make up your own mind, Esti. That’s what I’m trying to say.’

I waited, trying to avoid her eyes again. ‘It won’t kill me, will it?’ I asked, worrying about the contents of an unmarked packet of cigarettes.

Ronit laughed at that, and went to stand up, she stretched her arms out confidently. ‘No, it won’t kill you. But I might if you keep worrying about everything.’

I accepted that, and I followed her out of the room. She was heading to the hydrangea bush; the evening was a fair one so far. I saw the cigarette dangling in between her lips. She stopped in the kitchen and turned the hob on so that a circle of blue flame shot up from one of the rings. She leant over it.

‘Ronit-’ I took a worried step forward, but she waved me away. She pulled back quickly and flicked the cooker off, I saw an amber spark at the tip of the cigarette, a plume of grey mist obscured her face as she pulled it from her lips.

‘Quick, open the door.’ She choked the words out.

I ran to the door and unlocked it and she darted for the hydrangeas, I followed the stink of the smoke to her. She was already sitting down cross-legged when I got there; her cheeks had gone red and her mouth was hanging open.

‘Urgh, it’s so strong.’ She said, her voice sounded deeper. She pulled it back to her lips and inhaled on it, so the orange tip grew brighter. Her cheeks puffed out and she held the smoke in her mouth, after a few seconds she spluttered it all out; a few flecks of her spit caught my hand. ‘Urgh, here, have some.’

‘I-’ I was about to protest, but I did actually want to try it. My father was a constant smoker and I often watched him; part of me thought I could do it. And I thought that would impress Ronit, and I really wanted that.

I plucked the cigarette from her and wrapped my lips around it, I could feel it was wet from her mouth and my back teeth clenched, just for a second. I sucked on it, drawing the smoke in, I held it for a moment and then took a breath through my nostrils. I felt the fumes hit the top of my lungs and I fought the urge to cough, so much so my eyes started to water. I held it for another few seconds and then, just like my father did, I blew it out below us. I gagged getting the last bit of smoke out.

‘How did you do that?’ Ronit’s words stumbled from her pouting mouth, a frown burrowed into her forehead.

‘Just, by breathing it in.’

‘It looked cool when you did it.’ Ronit stared at me, then the cigarette. ‘Can you show me?’

I nodded and passed it back to her. I shuffled closer to her, not caring about the loose ground dusting my skirt and tights with mud.

‘Suck it, just a little bit.’ I instructed her, carefully watching her mouth.

I guided her through the process slowly, she coughed once when she inhaled the smoke, but after she exhaled it above us, she looked pleased with herself.

‘I’m dizzy.’ She said with a dopey grin. She stretched her legs out over the dirt beneath us.

‘Mm, it’s not that nice.’

‘I quite like it now.’ She was twirling it in her fingers. I could see the end of it, where both of our mouths had made it moist. ‘It’s-’ She suddenly gasped as though in pain, her hand shot to her leg. ‘Ow, shit.’

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, slightly panicked. For a split second I thought the cigarette had done something to her.

‘It’s- oww, is it an earwig?’ She had knelt up and twisted her leg, so that she could inspect the back of her thigh. I saw it immediately; a dark sliver of wood had slid under her light skin.

‘It’s just a splinter.’ I said, relieved.

She was whining in pain, her fingers recklessly dug for it.

‘No, don’t, you’ll make it go deeper.’ I reached out and I held her wrist, it sent a bizarre shiver up my entire arm.

‘Can you get it then?’ She asked, wincing and holding her knee for support. The cigarette had dropped onto the ground, the smoke had started to ebb and mingle with the aroma of the flowers surrounding us. I felt slightly sick.

‘I- yes. Just, stay still.’ I leaned in and saw the angry tip of the needle just proud of the surface, the skin around it was already turning red and her leg was slightly mottled because of the cold air that was creeping into our den. With my thumb and forefinger, I reached for it, swallowing hard as I did so. My fingers touched her leg and she recoiled.

‘Sorry,’ I said, breathing harder.

I squeezed the splinter and pulled it out carefully. I heard Ronit gasp again.

‘Sorry.’ I repeated as I dislodged the shard of twig. ‘I got it.’

Ronit rubbed her thigh and I tried to look away. We were both silent for a minute.

‘Thank you.’ She said, still smoothing her thumb over the tender nick of skin.

‘It’s okay.’ I said, staring down at the piece of wood in my hand. My heart had suddenly started pummelling in my chest.

‘Let’s go inside, it’s cold.’ Ronit stated.

I nodded and followed her out of the bushes. ‘I think I’ll go home.’ I said, once we were back in the kitchen.

‘Oh, okay.’ She closed the door behind me. ‘You don’t have to.’

‘No, I think I will.’

‘Okay.’ Her voice had dropped, she sounded disappointed. ‘The R- my father invited your parents over tomorrow for Shabbat, will you come too?’

‘Probably.’

‘I asked him if you could stay the night.’

‘You did?’ I asked, feeling slightly lighter. ‘What did he say?’

‘He said only if your parents say it’s okay. Will you ask them? If you did want to stay over.’

‘No, I do, I do. I’ll ask them.’

Ronit smiled then, a close-lipped smile that looked so genuine I felt a stir that made the hairs on my head stand up, I fought away a perplexing urge to touch her face.

I said a hurried goodbye to her and grabbed my coat and bag. I walked home, each step I felt a confusing nagging inside my skull. What was wrong with me? I hated it, I hated how out of control I felt when certain things happened between us. It was similar to how I felt in Jewish Studies, whenever Miss Stern spoke to me, or walked by me or even when I just looked at her. An inexplicable but oddly gratifying sensation pulsed in my stomach, sometimes in my thighs and other times in my neck and chest. But it was more concentrated with Ronit, it was so much more present, and I couldn’t escape from it. It was as though tough, stubborn vines were growing inside me, slithering around my veins. They had sprouted when Ronit first sat next to me in class, and they’d constricted more of my heart each time we spent time together. The razor thorns had stabbed me when I’d tugged the splinter from her leg, and when she started massaging it. I thought about that, watching her thumb press into her skin and I thought about how much I wanted to do that for her. I wanted to make her better.

By the time I got home I was exhausted and mentally drained. My mother was sitting at the dining table doing her hand exercises while a pile of wool and needles sat next to her.

‘Hello dear.’ She said, not looking up.

‘Hello. Are you going to knit?’ I knew she was planning on it, even though she’d suffer for days afterwards.

‘Just a little jumper for the Roth’s new boy.’ She smiled then, the deep lines in her face emphasised. ‘Were you at the Rav’s again?’

I nodded.

‘How is Ronit?’

‘She’s fine.’ I replied, swaddled by the mention of her name. ‘Are we going for dinner there tomorrow?’

‘We have been kindly invited by the Rav. You’re to wear the new dress Aunt Orna gave you.’

‘Can I stay afterwards?’

‘Where? The Rav’s?’ She scoffed slightly as she pulled back her fingers and flexed them. ‘I’m sure he doesn’t want you disturbing his home, Esti.’

‘He said it would be fine if you said it was.’

‘Hm. Ask your father.’ She picked up her pile and I saw her wrinkled fingers tremble.

I went to the conservatory where I knew my father would be; I could smell the smoke, which now seemed to provide me with a faint thrum of excitement.

‘Hello.’ I said, poking my head around the door.

‘My beautiful girl.’ My father’s croaky voice greeted me, and he opened his arms. He hugged me close and his itchy woollen jumper irritated my cheek.

‘Can I stay the night, at Ronit’s tomorrow? After dinner?’

He pondered for a moment, taking a drag of his cigarette. ‘What has the Rav said of it?’

‘He said I could if you said it was okay.’

‘Hm.’ He said, in the same tone as my mother. ‘Very well. I will speak to him… if you are good.’

‘I will be.’

‘Good girl, run along to your mother now. She’ll need your help with the jumper.’

I nodded and went back inside to the warm. I held the wool for my mother while her stiff, shaky fingers created the first sleeve of the jumper. I listened to the peaceful clack of the needles until she physically couldn’t move without extreme agony. This was normal and I couldn’t ask her about it; she was too proud to discuss it.

I went to bed shortly afterwards, I read _The Diary of Anne Frank_ ; I’d been reading it a lot recently. Before falling asleep, I would always find the same entry, Wednesday 29 December 1943, and I would read one sentence. A sentence that resonated with me for a reason I didn’t understand, but I still read it over and over again, as though I was trying to comprehend its significance, to absorb its meaning. I fell asleep memorising it, whispering it to myself.

_You can be lonely even when you are loved by many people, since you are still not anybody's one and only._


	3. The Sleepover

Esti had gotten into a routine of waiting for me in the mornings; she would have to pass my street on her walk to school anyway, so now each morning I would see her sitting on the shabby bench on the corner, scuffing the sole of her shoes against the concrete and looking down at her feet.

For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to school. The rush of giddiness I experienced when I saw her; I felt as though the sun was warming my skin even though the winter sky was still pitch black. We would walk and talk the entire way, it was our time. I enjoyed that she was the first person I spoke to in the mornings; there was something so satisfying about it.

Sometimes I wouldn’t see her, if she was unwell, or had to stay home for some other reason, and I would get that horrible sinking in my stomach; the gutting feeling of missing a step on the stairs.

But today she was there, and I started smiling long before I reached her.

‘Hi.’ I said, nearing her and she looked up.

‘Hi.’ I’d only recently noticed the dimples she got whenever she smiled; I felt stupid, but seeing them made me cheerful. For a second, I thought of how unusual it was that two lines on someone’s face could have that effect on me, but I quickly forgot about it.

‘Did you ask your parents about tonight?’ I asked as we walked along the main road; the sky was still dark and thick, grey clouds obscured the pale lemon slice of the moon.

Esti nodded. ‘I did.’

‘And?’

‘I think I can.’

‘Okay,’ I said. It wasn’t as firm an answer as I’d hoped. ‘Do you want to stay?’

‘Yes.’ Esti said, quickly. ‘I do, I really do.’

‘That’s good. Because, I really want you to stay.’

She showed me her dimples again. ‘What will we do?’

‘There are games, board games in the cupboard. I have cards, and I still have a bag of toffee under my bed from _Chanukah_.’

I heard Esti make a small happy noise. ‘I hope I can stay.’

‘I hope so too. You can sleep in my-’

‘Ronit? Esti!’ I heard a voice call from behind us. We both turned on our heels as Dovid ran towards us on his gangly legs; he’d had a growth spurt recently and his upper lip had grown a thin strip of light downy hair. ‘Hi.’ He slowed to a jog and was grinning.

‘Hi Dovid.’ I acted apathetic; it was selfish I know, but I didn’t really feel like entertaining him.

‘Good morning Esti.’ Dovid bowed his head; his cheeks were red, and I wondered if it was from the running or something else.

‘Hi Dovid.’ Esti said in a small voice.

‘Was there something you wanted, Dovid? We’re going to school.’

‘Just,’ Dovid took a long breath. How long had he been running after us? ‘Wanted to say hello.’ He hadn’t stopped smiling at Esti, I thought I saw Esti smile at him.

‘We should probably go.’ I suggested, attempting a casual tone.

‘Why don’t I walk with you?’ Dovid suggested, scratching his nose.

‘It’s a longer walk for you isn’t it?’ I pointed out, while biting the inside of my lip. I wasn’t sure what was so wrong with the idea of Dovid walking with us, but I just didn’t care for it; not at that moment.

‘There is that short cut through the alley,’ Esti offered. ‘Between the laundrette and the bakery.’ Esti looked at me and then to Dovid, I saw him nodding in my periphery.

‘You’re right,’ he beamed. ‘I’ll come with you.’ He stepped forward and walked alongside Esti, but I fell a bit behind.

A confusing sheet of gloom draped over my shoulders, weighing them down. Suddenly I didn’t feel like talking much, but that was fine because Dovid talked a lot, he even made her laugh a few times. I kept a tense jaw until he left us and wandered through the alleyway to his _yeshiva_. Esti and I walked the rest of the way, at one point I felt her knuckles brush mine and I flinched.

‘Are you okay?’ Esti asked eventually, as we rounded the corner.

‘Mm.’

‘You just haven’t said anything in a while.’

‘I’m fine.’ I lied, I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me, but I did know I could still feel the tingle her hand left on the back of mine when they had touched.

She didn’t press after that, and we went to class like normal. The heavy curtain that enveloped me did lift as the day went on, thankfully. I took my reaction to be an oddity, an isolated incident, hopefully one I wouldn’t have to think about again because I was growing tired of the strange fluctuations of my mood and not understanding them.

I was glad when the day was finally over, and I could walk home with Esti again. This time there was no Dovid, and we were laughing like normal.

We said goodbye; it was a bright farewell, I think because we both knew we’d see each other that evening with the prospect of spending the night with each other. I had a fizziness in my toes and fingers on my short walk home, and it intensified as I got washed and dressed for dinner.

It took me an age, but I tidied my entire room from top to bottom; I knew she’d been here countless times already, but this seemed different. I hoovered the carpet, polished the windows and windowsills, I dusted all of the surfaces and changed all of my bedding to fresher sheets. I wrestled two spare pillows from the airing cupboard and put clean cases on them; I even got some decorative pillows from the lounge and rested them along the headboard. I took a step back to admire my work; the fizz in my limbs was starting to bubble fiercely now.

There was something off; I frowned and crossed my arms as I surveyed the room. Then I had an idea. I ran to one of our spare rooms and dove into a cardboard box filled with my mother’s belongings. I pulled out a long spray bottle containing a perfume she wore religiously and ran back to my bedroom. I spritzed it, misting the air and the bedsheets with the familiar sweet musk of her perfume; a smell that made me happy and a smell that I hoped would make Esti happy too.

After I returned the precious bottle to its place, I went downstairs to prepare dinner. It was normally an obligatory bore, but tonight was different for a lot of reasons.

An hour or so later, I heard a rap against our door and my stomach swooped, I almost dropped the wooden spoon into the soup. I heard my father answer the door and greet the Halper’s. The Rav entered first, leading Mr and Mrs Halper through who both greeted me kindly, but I was just anticipating Esti.

The adults went through to the dining room and she eventually walked in, delayed after removing her shoes. She was wearing a black long-sleeved dress, with intricate red and white flowers patterning the bottom of it, white silk material bounded her waist.

‘Hi.’ She said, smiling.

‘Hi.’ I replied. ‘I like your dress. You look like a princess.’

She shook her head and laughed. ‘That’s stupid.’

I swallowed some air. ‘My father wants us both to light the candles tonight.’ I said, trying to deflect my embarrassment. She just nodded. ‘We should probably go through.’

The rest of the evening was an agonising wait to take Esti to my bedroom. There was candle-lighting, though that was fun because Esti and I hugged afterwards. We washed our hands and ate _challah_ , and after the _Kiddush_ we were both given wine. I’m sure it wasn’t enough to have an effect, but after I finished it, the bubbles that had been simmering earlier on reacted by popping and gurgling. The adults spoke the most, but occasionally Esti and I would share some words with them and each other. I couldn’t stop appreciating her dress, though I was careful not to call her a princess again.

‘So,’ Mr Halper said towards the end of the night. ‘Our Esti is to stay the night, Rav?’ He leant back in his chair and rubbed his pot belly.

‘Of course.’ My father laughed and tipped back his brandy. ‘She is as quiet as a lamb, and she brings tranquillity to this house, does she not?’ He directed the question to me, and even though I did not feel entirely tranquil, I nodded.

‘It’s very kind of you Rav.’ Mrs Halper said, pushing her straw-like _sheitel_ out of her eyes. ‘Very kind.’

‘No, no it is nothing. Girls need their friendship, their bonds. Much better that Esti should stay than a boy!’ The adults all laughed. ‘And they both did such a wonderful job this evening. It is my pleasure.’

We were both dismissed at long last and I ran upstairs before Esti, to ensure my room was still acceptable. The smell of my mother’s perfume had persevered, and the bed looked snug.

‘It smells lovely in here.’ Esti said behind me. I turned and saw that she was carrying a rucksack and a sleeping bag.

‘You don’t need that.’

‘I thought I would sleep on the floor.’ She said, sounding unsure.

‘No, you can sleep in the bed, with me.’

‘The floor will be fine, Ronit.’

‘No, it’s cold and hard and uncomfortable.’

‘It’ll be fine.’ She smiled and put her things on the floor. ‘I’m excited.’ She said quietly. ‘What game shall we play first?’

We both sat on my bed and played a simple card guessing game while eating toffee; but we grew bored of it quickly and ended up laying down and just talking.

‘Do you want to play Truth or Dare?’ I asked her.

‘Okay.’

‘I’ll go first.’ I turned onto my side to face her, she did the same; we were far enough apart, the bed would be fine for us both to sleep in, but I cast the notion away. ‘Truth or dare?’

‘Truth.’ She said quickly.

‘Do you fancy Dovid?’ I asked just as fast.

Her mouth opened, and her face fell slightly. ‘What? I don’t-’

‘It’s Truth or Dare, you have to answer.’

‘Wh- no, no I don’t.’

‘You don’t?’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘Okay.’ I said, she looked affronted. ‘It’s your turn.’

‘T-truth or dare?’

‘Dare.’

‘I… dare you to tell me who you fancy.’

I laughed. ‘I don’t fancy anyone.’

‘No one?’

‘Nope. Truth or dare?’

‘I don’t like this game.’

I sighed. ‘Fine. Will you tell me one thing though? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.’

‘Okay.’

‘What is it about Miss Stern that you don’t like?’

It was her turn to sigh then. ‘I’ve told you already, so many times. I like her.’

‘You act so weird around her.’

‘I act weird around- I act weird around everyone.’

I felt my lips pout slightly. ‘So, you like her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Okay.’ I said, and then I yawned. ‘Do you think she’s pretty?’

Esti’s eyes narrowed for a second. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Because I think she’s pretty. She’s annoying, but she is pretty.’

Esti just nodded slowly, her hair sticking to the pillow she was on. I unwrapped another toffee and ate it while I watched her.

‘She’s pretty.’ Her voice was so quiet I had to stop chewing to hear her. I swallowed the toffee and ran my tongue along my back teeth where I could feel it had stuck. ‘I think I might get ready for bed.’ Esti said and jumped up quickly.

‘What’s the rush?’ I chuckled as she grabbed her bag and left for the bathroom. ‘The floor isn’t getting any colder.’

She returned in a night shirt and trousers, her beautiful dress folded neatly in her arms. I rubbed my eyes and went to brush my teeth. When I returned, she was inside her sleeping bag. I shook my head and started peeling off my clothes until I was in my underwear.

‘I th- Ronit!’ Esti hissed, when I turned around, she had covered her eyes with both hands.

‘What is it? Oh, Esti come on.’ I had one hand on my hip, as the other held up my pyjamas. ‘You have a body just like it.’

‘I just wasn’t- I wasn’t expecting-’

‘You’re such a prude.’ I giggled, pulling the vest over my head.

 ‘Yes, well…’ There was a pause. ‘Are you dressed yet?’

‘Almost.’

‘Good.’

I got into my bed and it squeaked as the mattress depressed against the springs. ‘I’m modest now, your majesty.’

She released her eyes and looked up at me, I think I saw a faint smile touch her mouth.

‘You’re ridiculous being on the floor.’ I reminded her, tying my hair back.

‘It’ll be fine.’

‘I give you ten minutes.’

‘Fine.’ She said, as though challenging me.

‘Fine.’ I replied with a grin. ‘Goodnight then.’

‘Goodnight.’

I flicked the lamp off and the room plummeted into blackness, only a small orange hue from the lamppost outside gave a faint outline of the furniture in my room. I could hear my father moving around downstairs. After several minutes, he clambered up the stairs and went to his bedroom; the hallway light went off, bestowing us with a more intense darkness.

I couldn’t sleep, not knowing Esti was in my bedroom; I strained my ears to try and listen to her, but I couldn’t hear anything. Until I finally heard a clear, low shudder from her mouth, and a quiet chatter of her teeth.

‘Esti?’ I whispered, she didn’t respond. ‘Esti?’ I said louder.

‘What?’

‘Come up here.’

‘I’m fine.’ She stuttered.

‘Please come up here?’

There was silence for a moment, and then I heard her move, and saw her silhouette rise from the floor; she walked to my bed. I lifted the duvet and she inched under it, her hand scraped my arm and I pulled away sharply.

‘Esti, you’re bloody freezing.’

‘It’s fine.’ Her teeth were still clattering in her mouth.

‘Come here.’ I said again, pulling her to me. Even though she was painfully cold, I wrapped my arms around her and rubbed her arms and back over her nightshirt. She didn’t react, but she did let me warm her. I couldn’t see her face, though I felt her brisk breath on my chest and I felt a twinge inside me, close to my stomach but lower.

I slowed my hands and I must have caught her ribs, because she flinched, and her elbow moved up reflexively.

‘Esti… are you ticklish?’ I asked, my tongue poked my cheek.

‘No.’ She said, incredibly unconvincingly.

‘Are you?’ I lifted my hands from her arms and moved them to her sides, I let my fingers lightly prod her and she jolted.

‘Stop it.’ She gasped; I could tell she was speaking through a smile.

 But I didn’t stop, it was too much fun. I tickled her in the dark, catching her bony ribs over her night shirt. She started to toss in the squeaky bed, attempting to get away from me, I could hear her desperately trying not to laugh. Her free hand tried to grab my arm, but I was stronger. I moved up onto my elbow to get a better angle; her shirt had risen up, and I could feel her soft skin under my fingers.

‘You are ticklish.’ I said, almost breathlessly, trying to ignore an exhilarated throbbing I felt in my entire body. My fingers kept working around her sides and her stomach, until I heard her wheeze.

‘Ronit-’ She let out a quiet yelp of a giggle which made me laugh, I fell forward and my lips brushed her cheek; her body suddenly stiffened. I halted my fingers, and drew back.

‘Sorry.’ I said, both of our chests were rising and falling as I leant over her, our faces were still close.

‘It’s okay.’

‘It’s just… I thought you were lying about not being ticklish.’

‘Well,’ I heard her swallow and inhale deeply. ‘You proved your point.’

I laughed quietly with her, not moving my hands from her smooth abdomen. I was enjoying having my hands on her, I still felt that pleasant pulse within me, but it had roamed to my thighs. ‘Will you stay up here now?’

I felt her nod.

‘Good.’ I rested my head on her pillow. ‘Can I keep my hand here?’

‘Yes.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

I felt delirious at that, and the warmth we generated was doubly soothing, soon I felt myself drifting away into a doze.

At one point, Esti shifted onto her side and I retracted my arm, taking her movement as a sign she wanted it off her. I closed my eyes again. I didn’t mind not having my hand on her, because her being there was enough. I started to fall back into a drowsy state when I sensed her reaching back; she lifted my arm gently and placed my hand on her waist.

I stayed awake for a while after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best, thank you for all of your comments and kudos.
> 
> We're only three chapters in and already I feel so supported in this.
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> CN


	4. The Game

The morning after our first sleepover, I woke up with a lightness I hadn’t felt before. I normally flitted in and out of consciousness when I slept, I was a light dreamer. I would wake up if a fluttering moth landed on the ceiling above me, or if the curtains lightly tapped the wall in a slight breeze. But that night, I don’t think I stirred once.

Ronit’s arm had fallen off me during the night; I lifted my shirt up a fraction and did my best to get back under her hand without waking her. I finally settled with a few of her fingers on my bare stomach.

I didn’t know the time, but I heard the Rav wheezing somewhere along the hallway, and several birds chirping loudly outside the window. Ronit let out a long sigh and my breath escaped me. I took the opportunity to look at her. I often stopped myself from doing that, because the power she had in the depth of her eyes sometimes drove me to the point of discomfort.

Her lips were parted, that was the first thing I noticed. She was breathing silently through her nose, her eyelids occasionally flickered making her long lashes quiver. Her fingers twitched. I thought about her tickling me.

Why had that had such an effect? There had been rush after rush of thrilling excitement within me, and I couldn’t explain it. I’d been tickled before, but it had never been like that. The feelings of her fingers lightly roaming over my ribs and stomach had created a fever inside me; a thrilling fire in my stomach that I never wanted to extinguish. The thick vines had erupted into a tangled forest of thorns and ecstasy and I didn’t know why.

I realised that in reliving it, my chest had started to rise and fall harshly. Ronit’s shoulder eased up, and she started to yawn as her eyes peeled open.

‘Morning.’ She stretched out, taking her hand away from me.

‘Morning.’

‘How long was it, last night?’ She asked with her eyes shut.

‘How long was what?’

‘I said I’d give you ten minutes on the floor. How long was it?’

‘Probably… seven minutes?’

She laughed and brought her hand back, she rested it fully on my stomach again without acknowledging it. ‘I won.’

I nodded, unable to think now that she’d woken up and put her hand on me; her sleepy voice gave me an itch on my neck. ‘You did.’ I said quietly.

We stayed in her bed for a while longer, under the thick duvet with our heavy heads sinking into the feather pillows. I’m not sure how Ronit felt but I didn’t want to leave, because it would mean she’d have to stop touching me, and the warmth and pressure of her hand was too enjoyable to forfeit, but of course we eventually had to get up.

We both agreed to ask our parents if we could have another sleepover the following Friday.

‘Another one?’ My mother almost sneered when I asked her at home later that morning. ‘Did the Rav ask you back?’

‘No, Ronit did.’

‘I’ll have to speak with your father.’ She was laying on the sofa, a cold, dripping flannel draped over her forehead. ‘Did you have a nice time?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did you do? I hope you behaved.’

‘I did. We played cards and ate toffees.’ I thought about Ronit’s fingers on my skin, and her lips grazing my cheek; I gulped away a spiky fizzle in my throat.

‘Did you brush your teeth? And how was the sleeping bag? Your cousin said it had a hole in the bottom.’

‘It was fine.’ I lied.

‘Good girl.’

‘So, can I stay again?’

‘I told you I’d have to speak with your father. Esti, I have a headache dear, please.’

‘Sorry.’ I backed out of the room.

‘Close the door, please!’ My mother called out and I followed her order, closing it as quietly as I could.

Later at the synagogue, I was sitting in the gallery with my mother, whose headache had persisted, when Ronit suddenly appeared and threw herself in the space next to me.

‘Good morning Ronit.’ My mother said, keeping her narrow eyes fixed below us on the men congregating by the _bimah_.

‘Hello Mrs Halper. Hi.’ She greeted me, with an almost knowing smile. She leant in and I could smell toothpaste on her breath. ‘My father said you could stay again, if your parents were happy.’

I nodded. ‘I think I can. My father has to talk to the Rav.’

‘That’ll be fine then.’

‘Do you think?’

‘Yeah, your dad’s a softie. You left this in my bed.’ Ronit held her palm flat, revealing a small, pink hairband; it must have fallen off my wrist during the night.

‘Thanks.’ I whispered and took it, hoping my mother hadn’t heard her.

‘For the next one, we should-’

‘Girls!’ My mother hissed, as the service had just started.

Ronit pulled away slowly but I immediately pinned my back to the seat, staring ahead and attempting to hush the reddening I felt in my cheeks from being scolded. Where I was a statue, Ronit fidgeted, shifting constantly from one position to another and not settling. At one point, her fingers brushed my knuckles; she stopped moving then. I raised my knee and crossed my legs, to tuck our hands away, to hide them, and for the rest of the service, she let her fingers rest on mine.

She had been right, our fathers talked after the service and in their jovial way they both agreed I could stay again, once again joking that if I or Ronit were a boy they would be concerned.

The rest of the week dragged, I spent it pining for those few hours in her bed on Friday; it became a glow on the horizon that I travelled towards every day. I walked to school with her every morning and walked back with her every afternoon. I still visited her house in the evenings, though my mother had increasingly started to ask me to come home immediately after school to help her with different errands she was having trouble with. Though I was disappointed, I knew I had to make sacrifices in order to keep spending nights with Ronit, so I agreed.

‘No, Esti, now pay attention, look what you’ve done!’ My mother held a crooked finger up and pointed at the rose bush I’d been pruning under her direction. ‘You’ve just nipped the stem.’ She scowled and snatched the secateurs from me, and despite her cramped, painful fingers she cut through the entire stalk and threw the red rose onto the compost heap behind her. ‘If you want something doing right, do it yourself.’ She sighed.

I stood up and took a step back. I looked at the perfect rose laying on the heap behind me and thought about it.

‘Can I go to Ronit’s now?’ I asked, it was Friday and I knew they’d be lighting candles soon.

‘If you must.’

Before I left the garden, I picked the rose up from the pile of cuttings and carried it carefully through the house, and all the way to Ronit’s house, with my backpack and sleeping bag weighing my shoulders down.

The Rav opened the door, so I hid the rose behind my back.

‘Esti,’ he waved me in. ‘You should have told your parents to come.’

‘Thank you.’ I said, keeping my front facing the Rav, and the rose hidden.

‘Ronit is in her bedroom, but you should both come down shortly. Our guests are hungry.’ He chuckled and walked back through to the kitchen, I darted up the stairs.

I peeked into her room, she was on her bed, laying on her front reading; her room smelt like a heady perfume, a fragrant, rich floral scent.

‘Hi.’ I said.

‘Hello.’ She grinned and knelt up, then her lips curved into a sarcastic smirk. ‘You brought the sleeping bag _again_?’

I ignored her and presented the rose, holding it by the bottom of the stem and trying to avoid the sharp thorns. ‘I brought you this… from our garden.’

‘Oh.’ Her eyes fell to the deep crimson petals, she had an odd expression, she was smiling but her eyes looked more complex. ‘Thank you. Did you grow it?’

‘My mother did, mostly. But I helped.’

‘It’s beautiful.’

I’d been holding the rose up, between us. She hadn’t moved to take it. ‘It should probably go in some water.’ I suggested, dropping my arm slightly.

‘I’ll get a vase.’

She jumped from the bed and steamed past me, the waft of her hair swam through the air. When she came back, she was holding a small, crystal vase that had been hastily filled with water from the bathroom; the sides of it were slippery. She was holding it with two hands, I dropped the rose in and it sunk into the water, the head of the flower sticking out of the top.

‘It really is beautiful. There are so many layers.’ She prodded one of the petals and opened it up. ‘I’ll put it up here.’

I nodded as she placed it by the open window, the smell of wet grass mingling with the perfume aroma catapulted an odd sensation into my stomach.

‘We should go downstairs.’ I said, dropping my things on the floor.

‘Okay.’ Ronit had been looking at the rose, she turned and groaned. ‘You’re not going to try and sleep in that again, are you? The floor’s not going to be any warmer than last-’

‘I’m not going to sleep in it.’

‘Then why did you bring it?’

I shrugged.

She frowned at me. ‘Okay, let’s go.’

The evening was boring. The Rav had invited Herbert Roth and Michael Rosenfeld over and they all smoked too much, and the oppressive, rancid fumes tarred my clothes and skin and clung to the inside of my lungs. I was forced to sit opposite Ronit and not next to her, so I barely said a word throughout dinner. She’d catch my eye every now and again and smile sympathetically; I would return it.

At long last, we were allowed to leave. I took the longest gasp of air when we got to Ronit’s bedroom. She’d left the windows open, and I could feel the cold, refreshing ventilation battling with the acrid residue in my lungs.

‘Are you all right?’ She asked.

‘I didn’t know they’d smoke so much.’ I was hanging out of the window now.

‘It’s disgusting isn’t it? Pipe smoke, cigar smoke, it’s so… thick.’

‘It’s,’ I sniffed my hair and my cardigan. ‘On me, everywhere.’ I knew my clothes often smelled like smoke because of my father, but since he started smoking in the conservatory I’d noticed it less. This stench was turning my stomach.

‘You can wash if you want?’ Ronit was on the bed, pulling off her tights. I noticed the bed covers had changed since last Friday; these ones were a pale yellow, with swirls of green covering it. ‘And I’ve got clothes you can borrow tomorrow.’

‘Could I?’

She nodded and left the room, when she returned she had two beige, slightly discoloured towels in her arms. ‘Shall I show you how it works?’

‘I’ll be fine, thank you.’

It wasn’t entirely fine; it took me ten minutes just to get the shower to a bearable, lukewarm temperature. I washed my hair and body quickly, feeling strange for being undressed in someone else’s home. I dried myself and dressed into my pyjamas in the bathroom, and I noticed with a heavy weight in my chest that I smelled like Ronit.

‘Feel better?’ Ronit was laying on her back, wearing a vest and shorts, she was holding one of her long, bare legs up above her.

‘Much better, thank you.’

I hung the towels up and glanced at the rose again, trying to distract my eyes from the tempting milkiness of Ronit’s skin.

‘Do you want to play a game?’ She asked, bringing her leg down and sitting up.

I thought about it. The smoke had made me lethargic, all I really wanted was to lay on her bed with her hand on me again. I nodded, despite myself.

‘It’s a new game.’

‘What’s it called?’ I was on her bed now, pressing the small of my back against the headboard, I didn’t want to dampen the pillows.

‘It’s called Nervous.’ Her eyelids were low, her eyes looked darker.

‘How do you play it?’

‘Like this, it’s really easy.’ She turned onto her side and raised a hand so that her fingers were just hovering above my exposed ankle. ‘I stroke up your leg, and you say “nervous” when you get nervous.’

My back teeth clenched, and a loud exhale left my nostrils. ‘Okay.’

She’d shaped her fingers almost like a claw, so they were all on me. As soon as she made contact with my ankle, a tremor rolled over my entire body and I had to close my eyes for a brief second. She trailed her hand up, the fabric of my pyjamas wrinkling under her thumb, which was applying more pressure than the rest of her fingers. She reached my knee and I twitched, I was desperately trying to control the breath leaving my mouth. I heard a raucous laughter from downstairs when I felt her nails over my lower thigh, and even over the cotton, something swelled in my neck and my groin and I grabbed her wrist.

‘Nervous.’ I stammered.

Her mouth was open, she let out a small laugh. She took a look at me before she spoke. ‘Your turn.’

My eyes shot to her bare legs, the vines inside started to choke my brain, giving me a faint lightheadedness. ‘Okay.’

I moved so I could reach her, past-caring about my wet hair. I started on the top of her foot, my hand in the same position hers had been in. I could feel her staring at me as I traced up along her smooth shin. I noticed several cuts and faded bruises as I grazed over her knee, which was redder than the rest of her legs. My lips parted when I got to her thigh, I could feel her delicate, invisible hairs under my fingertips and I tried to swallow the saliva that had formed in my mouth, as though it would quell the flames in my stomach.

I moved past the point on her leg where I’d had to call out ‘nervous’, and continued stroking further and further up.

‘Ronit.’ I whispered.

‘I’m not nervous yet.’ She said, her bottom lip was red and puckered, her chest was forcing out shallow gasps of air.

I tensed my jaw again and carried on, until I met the cuff of her shorts. Something powerful compelled me, I could have gone over them but I didn’t. I pushed my fingers just under the material.

‘Nervous.’ Ronit panted as an uncontrollable force of goosebumps fizzled behind my ears. It took me a moment to realise that her hand was gripping my shoulder.

For a few minutes, we sat in silence. I don’t think either of us wanted to admit that we were trying to catch our breath, but I knew that’s what we were doing.

‘I won again.’ She said, stretching her legs out over the bed.

‘You’re a sore winner.’

‘There’s no such thing.’ She smiled and pushed her head into one of the pillows, I did the same while facing her. ‘I’m sorry tonight was so boring.’

‘It wasn’t boring.’

‘It was. Herbert and Michael are dreadful. And they’ve both got disgusting nose hair.’

I giggled then. ‘Did you hear your father say he was going to invite the Finkels over?’

She guffawed and held her stomach. ‘Yes, kill me. If Shayna comes over we’d all die of boredom.’

‘She is quite dull.’

‘Honestly, I’d rather drown myself in a pot of watery chicken soup than spend an evening with her.’

‘Hopefully it won’t come to that.’

Ronit picked at one of her teeth with her finger and started laughing. ‘Plain Shayna. Nobody plainer than Shayna.’

I laughed then as well, and soon enough her hand was on my waist again, the tip of her little finger was just touching my skin. We were closer than we’d been last week, and a new energy lingered in the middle of us. An energy I don’t think either of us knew the meaning of. But we allowed it to swirl there, sucking us both in slowly and letting it envelope us until we fell asleep, with our foreheads almost touching.


	5. The Guest

Life had shifted in such a distinct and definitive way. I didn’t fully understand why, not that I ever tried to comprehend it. I let the new, complex emotions plummet, rise and settle as they occurred, without questioning anything, without delving into my mind. There was no point in it.

I did accept that waking up in the mornings felt different now, especially on the mornings I woke up next to Esti. She was my first thought when my eyes opened, and my final thought when I closed them. I couldn’t think about much else; I forgot about school, I forgot about my chores, I forgot about all of my other friends, I was even forgetting to eat, unless Esti had made something, or if she offered to share her own food with me.

I also knew that all of the time I didn’t spend with her felt wasted. I knew I enjoyed touching her, when we would lay in bed with my hand on her stomach, or her waist and occasionally her hip, I cherished it. She’d let me hold her hand while walking to school one morning; it was only for a few minutes as we walked along one of the quiet roads. She let it drop suddenly when we reached the bakery, when Mrs Pascal had greeted us with an armful of honey cake. I had pretended to not to be disappointed.

I hadn’t told Esti any of this, though I think she knew. Since she’d taken my hand and put it on her, I started to believe that she probably enjoyed it as much as I did.

I’d started to notice specific things she did, odd quirks and physical habits that I loved predicting, seeing, learning.

Her nose would twitch when she was thoughtful or contemplative; she did that a lot at school. Her mouth would twist if she felt uncomfortable or awkward, often after I’d said or asked her something that put her on the spot. When she was content, her eyelids would pull down and she’d gaze off into space with a light expression, she did that a lot when we laid on my bed together.

I had to pull my focus away from her, when I felt myself dropping too deep. I didn’t understand why I had to do that either, but I just did.

‘Ronit?’ Miss Stern’s shrill voice cut across the train of thought that had been steaming through., my head.

‘Mm?’

‘Where’s your head today, Ronit? Have you done any of the worksheet?’ She asked with a disappointed pout of her lips. ‘When Esti’s not here to give you the answers, you must try harder.’

‘Sorry, Miss Stern.’ I lazily picked up the sheet in front of me and my eyes weakly skimmed the text. It was all to do with motherhood, and a mother’s importance in the family home. A silent scowl churned in the back of my throat; what a pointless exercise.

I wrote about ten words before putting the paper back down again, I rested my chin in my hand and waited for the class to end. I thought about Esti, wondering why she hadn’t met me this morning. I hoped she wasn’t sick. Perhaps I could visit her after school; I could take her some soup from the deli. A sprinkle of joy speckled the top of my head as I thought about that.

‘Your girlfriend isn’t in today then?’ A snarky, familiar voice chewed at my ear as I strolled through the deserted hallway on my way to the playground.

‘Shut up Keren.’ I growled, tugging at the strap of my satchel as a concentrated heat burned just under my ears.

‘It’s weird how much time you two spend together.’ She said, still pacing behind me. ‘Everyone thinks so.’

‘You’re just jealous because you’ve got no friends.’ I stopped walking, she bumped into my back. She was bigger than me, taller and wider but I didn’t care; I turned and faced her with a tight jaw.

‘I’ve got more friends than you.’ Keren said with utter scorn. ‘It’s just you and weird Esti.’

‘She’s _not_ weird.’

‘She is weird. You called her weird Esti first.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Does she know you called her weird Esti?’

‘I said shut up.’

‘I’m gonna tell her you called her weird Est-’

Again, I wasn’t sure where the impulse derived from, I didn’t want to know, but before I realised what I was doing, I pushed Keren so hard she stumbled backwards. She would have fallen over entirely if it hadn’t been for the wall she slammed into.

‘Don’t call her weird.’ I said, surprised my voice had retained a consistent level.

‘You’re so- you’re _horrible_.’ Keren said, her eyes were a picture of confusion and outrage. She stormed away from me, leaving me alone in the corridor. I took several breaths to even out my heart rate.

 

That afternoon, after a full day of barely speaking and trying to forget about pushing Keren, I made my way to the deli. It was run by the Fishers, a kind, frumpy couple who I’d known my entire life. Mrs Fisher had been one of my mother’s closest friends, and she would always give me the greatest fuss whenever she saw me. She’d also always give me a cold can of ginger ale and offer me a salt beef sandwich if she thought I looked peaky.

‘Ronit!’ Mrs Fisher hollered as I opened to door to the deli, the small bell tinkling above me. ‘ _Oy vey_ , you look so pale, no, no, no. Come, come and sit. I’ll get you something.’

‘No, thank you Mrs Fisher. I just came fo-’

‘Sit! You must eat something, is your father not feeding you, poor girl?’ She pulled up a clear, plastic tub from the fridge below the counter, the word ‘turkey’ had been messily scribbled on it. She started cutting up a bagel and spreading pickle into the soft insides with the blade of a knife.

‘I really just wanted some soup.’ I said, taking a seat anyway. The smell of the baking bread hanging in the air had made my hollow stomach snarl.

‘Bagel first.’ Mrs Fisher wagged her finger. ‘Then soup.’

‘The soup isn’t for me.’

‘Even better. How much soup did you want?’ She sucked her thumb before pressing the top of the bagel down, making pickle ooze from the sides.

‘Just a small pot, please. I think Esti’s sick, I wanted to take her some.’

‘Ach, pure heart, just like her mother.’ Mrs Fisher placed the turkey bagel in front of me, she’d put a dollop of spicy coleslaw on the side and also brought me a tin of ginger ale that was so cold large beads of condensation dripped down the side.

I ate the bagel with enthusiasm, forcing it into my mouth and knowing the pickle and coleslaw was sticking to the corners of my mouth and chin but not caring. I hadn’t eaten anything that day, usually I’d share Esti’s lunch and that had been impossible that day. I drained the last dregs of the ale which fizzed in my stomach and sat back, resting a hand on my stomach.

‘Thank you, Mrs Fisher.’ I said, wiping my mouth with my sleeve.

‘Psh,’ she waved her hand.

‘How’s Mr Fisher?’

‘Useless, always. You don’t know what men are like yet, Ronit, try and keep it that way for as long as you can. Here is your soup _bubbala_.’

‘Thank you so much.’ I pulled the container towards me, the sides of it had already heated up. I shook it a little bit, watching the herby, creamy soup inside.

‘Going on the Rav’s book, I imagine?’

‘Please.’

She nodded and turned back to her counter. ‘No charge for the bagel.’ She quipped.

‘Thank you, Mrs Fisher.’

‘Look after yourself, Ronit.’

The pot of soup was so hot by the time I got to Esti’s house, I’d had to cover my hands with my sleeves just to carry it. I rested it in the crook of my arm when I knocked on the door, slightly burning my ribs.

‘Oh, hello Ronit.’ Esti’s mother answered the door, her dry _sheitel_ looked crispy as she twirled a lock of it.

‘Hello Mrs Halper. I brought some soup for Esti.’ I held the pot up expectantly.

‘Well… that’s very kind.’ She stepped back inside and indicated for me to follow her. ‘Esti’s asleep, I’m afraid. But you can bring the soup through. Take your shoes off, would you?’

I obeyed, flicking my shoes off and trailing behind her. I’d never been in Esti’s home before, the surfaces were piled with odd trinkets, books and random balls of different coloured wool. It smelled like years of cooking had seeped into the carpets and walls and I couldn’t help but notice how dark it was.

‘Just rest it up there, thank you.’ Mrs Halper directed, and I put the soup next to the oven. The kitchen sides were just as cluttered as the sideboard in the hallway.

‘Can I go and see her?’

‘I did say she was sleeping. She’ll be better tomorrow, I’m sure she’ll be back at scho-’

‘What’s wrong with her?’

Mrs Halper’s crinkly face wrinkled even more. ‘It’s rude to interrupt an adult, Ronit.’

‘Sorry.’ I paused. ‘What’s wrong with her?’

‘She woke up with a small cold.’ Mrs Halper sighed. ‘Oh, while you’re here, I have something for the Rav. Wait here a minute, would you?’

Mrs Halper left the kitchen through the glass panelled door; my feet instinctively carried me towards the staircase. I didn’t care, I climbed the stairs and reached the landing. I opened two doors, one that led into a bathroom and another bedroom before I found Esti. I knocked lightly and opened it slowly, as I had done with the other two.

She was sitting up in bed under her duvet, her head propped against the pillows; she was holding a book close to her face and reading intently.

‘Esti?’ I whispered, with a growing smile on my face. I felt a sunrise in my chest, and Esti’s dark house suddenly lit up.

‘Ronit!’ She dropped her book and sat up straight. ‘What’re you doing here?’

Something forced me to run to her bed, I hugged her so tightly that I think it took her by surprise, but soon enough I felt her arms around my back.

‘I missed you at school today.’ I said. ‘I brought you soup.’

She laughed. ‘I missed you too. I- I wanted to come in, but my mother- she said I had a temperature this morning.’

‘She said you were sleeping.’ I pulled away from her and fought a strong urge to stroke her hair behind her ear. Instead, I let my hands rest on the duvet, I could feel her legs underneath it.

‘I have been, on and off.’ She brought her arms from around me, and she allowed her hands to touch mine, they nestled together on top of the covers. ‘Thank you for the soup.’

‘Do you feel better?’

‘I feel fine.’ She whispered and leant in, she smelled medicinal. ‘My mother worries too much.’

‘I can see where you get it from.’ I joked, my thumb automatically stroked the duvet, I wasn’t sure if she’d noticed.

‘Shut up.’ She said, smiling and showing me her dimples, her teeth, her lips, everything I’d missed that day. My eyes got stuck on her mouth, I went to speak but it was all pierced when I heard hurried, heavy footsteps approaching the door.

‘Ronit!’ Mrs Halper’s harsh tone cut through our sunrise like a dense, purple cloud. ‘I told you to wait downstairs.’

I jumped from the bed. ‘Sorry Mrs Halper, I just wanted to see Esti.’

She sighed again, it was a galling noise. ‘Please, come downstairs, don’t get her excited. She needs her rest.’

‘I’m fine, mum.’ Esti said, but Mrs Halper rubbed her eyes and shook her head.

‘Ronit, come on now. She’ll be at school tomorrow.’

I nodded and turned back to Esti, whose face had dropped. ‘I hope your soup is nice.’

She smiled at me, and I left, escorted by her mother who gave me a pair of knitted gloves for my father. I walked home feeling slightly fuller, and I don’t think it had anything to do with the turkey bagel.

 

Esti returned to school the next day and everything was normal again. She mentioned that Keren had been giving her funny looks all day, but I told her to ignore her. We spent our entire lunch hour underneath a tree on the far end of the playground. I sat with my back against the thick trunk, and she laid on the grass with her head on my thigh as we pulled apart and ate the peanut butter sandwich she had in her lunchbox.

‘I still want you to come over on Friday.’ I said. ‘Even though plain Shayna’s going to be there.’

‘I can’t stay again, can I?’ She asked, chewing quietly on a crust of bread.

‘Why not?’

‘Well, I just might not be allowed if she’s there.’

‘Ask your parents anyway.’ I swallowed a chunk of sandwich. ‘Maybe just ask your dad.’

She nodded, and a tress of her hair fell onto my tights. ‘Would you ask Shayna to stay the night?’ She asked, wiping her crumby hands on her cardigan.

A laugh shot from my mouth so quickly and loudly that a fat pigeon fled from the branches above us. ‘Are you mad?’

‘No. I don’t know. You might want to.’

‘I definitely don’t.’

‘So, you’d rather have me stay?’

‘Yes. I’d have you stay every night if I could.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

We didn’t say much more after that. That was one of the best things about spending time with Esti. Sometimes we didn’t need words to express how we felt. I didn’t need to tell her that I enjoyed having her head resting on me, and she didn’t need to tell me that she enjoyed it too. It was happening more and more; the unspoken words that moved between us, the noiseless whispers we shared with each other, the silent harmony that brought us closer and closer together.

 

‘Dorit! Osh! And Shayna. Welcome!’ My father greeted the Finkels loudly at the door, his voice carried throughout the entire house, as though he was trying to alert me to the fact that our guests had arrived, and to reinforce to me I should go downstairs.

I didn’t want to go and eat with them; I was sulking. Esti’s parents had said she couldn’t come for dinner, but after I’d begged and begged my father, there’d been an agreement between him and Mr Halper that she could stay the night, after having dinner with her own family. It was too far away for me to care about anything else.

My father called me down deliberately then, his voice had an edge of impatience to it. He’d had a bad week, I didn’t know the specifics because he never told me, not that I ever asked. I just knew he’d slammed more doors and lost his temper more this week. I slumped down the stairs and went to the dining room.

Shayna was wearing a bile coloured dress and was sitting in the chair I usually sat in, swinging her twig legs under it. She was almost a carbon copy of her father. They shared the same supple, doughy face, except she had an unfortunate faint line of blackheads trailing over her cheeks and nose, giving her skin the texture of orange peel. Her mother was surprisingly pleasant looking. I’d never understood that.

‘Hello Ronit.’ Mrs Finkel spoke to me first.

‘Hello Mrs Finkel. Hello Mr Finkel.’ I turned to Shayna. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’ She spoke back to me, holding her mouth open in a stupid way that revealed her bottom wonky teeth.

Shayna and I lit the candles and afterwards, when the adults were all celebrating, she leant towards me, as though she were about to hug me, but I pulled away sharply. The longer I spent with her, the more I noticed she smelled like vinegar, or something equally as bitter.

The night dragged on endlessly, my father sank every drink in minutes and Shayna picked her teeth next to me, in the same way her father did, so much so that her mother rebuked them both at one point.

‘Shayna just passed her Grade 5 piano exam, Rav.’ Mr Finkel stated, his elastic skin stretching as he smiled.

‘That is wonderful, Shayna.’ My father lurched forward as he slurred, he’d had too much to drink and I experienced a swirl of hot shame in my chest. ‘My Ronit gave up with her violin exams very quickly, didn’t you?’ His bloodshot eyes trundled to me.

I gave a stiff nod and sipped my water. I wanted to check the time, but it would have been too obvious to gaze up at the clock on the wall over Mr Finkel’s head.

‘Sometimes it takes a while to find our interests.’ Mrs Finkel leaned towards me. Her voice was so soft and sweet, it was like syrup compared to my father’s rough rasp. ‘What do you enjoy, Ronit?’

‘I… like taking photos.’

‘That’s a wonderful hobby.’ She said, nodding. ‘Do you have a camera?’

‘She uses her mother’s.’ The Rav said, lounging back now. ‘She dropped it the other day, almost smashed it, didn’t you?’

‘It was an accident.’ I said, keeping my eyes on the tacky, worn pattern of the tablecloth.

‘She can be so careless.’ He retorted, as though he were talking only to himself, but the four other people in the room heard him very clearly.

‘Just like our Shayna.’ Mr Finkel chuckled. ‘They are clumsy at this age.’

‘Ronit, why don’t you take Shayna to your room.’ My father said, it was more of a demand than a request.

‘I…’ I weighed it up. I definitely didn’t want to take Shayna to my room, but I also didn’t want to sit in that stifling room any longer than was required. ‘Okay.’

We trudged the stairs together, she was several paces behind me, but I could hear her whistling nose as though she were standing next to me. I sighed quite loudly when we reached my room. My bedsheets had been changed again, it was a habit I’d gotten into every Friday after school now.

‘Your room smells funny.’ Shayna commented before she started poking Esti’s painting that I’d stuck to the wall. ‘Did you do this? It’s not the right yellow for a sunflower.’

‘Don’t touch that.’ I snapped, probably rather unfairly.

‘I didn’t know you played the violin.’ She said, pulling her finger down.

‘I don’t. Not anymore.’ I dropped onto my bed and huffed. I glanced up at the windowsill, where Esti’s rose had wilted and drooped. She’d be here soon, I reminded myself.

‘I saw a piano in one of the rooms.’ Shayna said pointing towards the landing, her voice was such a drone.

‘Yeah, under a layer of dust.’

‘I could play it.’

‘Knock yourself out.’

‘Would you come with me?’

‘No. I don’t like the piano.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s too… plunky.’

That made Shayna titter and she approached my bed. ‘You haven’t heard it played properly then.’

‘Probably.’ I shifted my legs, because she’d sat so close to me that she was touching them.

Shayna shrugged. ‘Do you want to plait my hair?’

I looked at the lank, greasy strands of her thin hair and shook my head. ‘No, I don’t know how.’

‘I can plait yours.’ She suggested.

‘I don’t like people touching my hair.’

She shrugged again, she was still swinging her legs energetically, making the bedframe tremble. I wanted to ask her to leave, but I knew I’d get into trouble, so instead I just asked her to stop moving.

She continued to ask questions and I would give one or two-word answers. I got the odd feeling she was enjoying herself, and at one point she even got onto her stomach and swung her legs in the air. I hoped she wouldn’t get her sour smell all over my bedding.

I heard some movement downstairs, and I shuffled up, thinking at any point I’d hear Shayna’s name be called and then she’d be gone. But I didn’t hear anything, so I slumped back against my pillow. Shayna suggested we paint, she told me that she could paint a better sunflower than the one on my wall. I had said no.

There was a faint knock on my door and it slowly creaked open. I bolted up as I saw Esti’s face peek in.

‘Esti!’ I jumped off the bed, accidentally knocking Shayna’s jiggling leg. I embraced Esti, but she kept her arms by her sides.

‘Hi.’ She muttered. ‘Hi Shayna.’

‘What are you doing here?’ Shayna asked, sitting up.

‘We’re having a sleepover.’ I said proudly, letting go of Esti.

‘Oh.’ Shayna watched us from the bed, with her mouth still open in that way that exposed her teeth. ‘Can I-’

‘Shayna, come now sweet.’ I heard Mrs Finkel call up the stairs, and relief poured through me. Esti still hadn’t moved.

I couldn’t decipher Shayna’s face, it looked muddled. The focus of her watery eyes went from me to Esti and back again. She finally closed her mouth and mumbled a hurried goodbye before leaving.

I hugged Esti again after she’d left; this time it was longer and one that she returned, our chests were pressed together and I went dizzy. ‘I’m so glad you’re finally here.’

‘You didn’t die of boredom then?’ She lightly chuckled into my neck and my stomach leapt.

‘I honestly almost did.’

‘I’m glad you didn’t.’

‘How was your dinner?’

‘Boring. How was yours?’

‘Boring too. Mrs Finkel is nice though.’

Esti nodded, we were still holding each other; her sleeping bag and backpack were on her shoulders, so I took them from her. I threw the sleeping bag into the corner where it remained untouched every time she stayed.

We decided that all we wanted to do was lie down in bed, so we got into our pyjamas and brushed our teeth and clambered under the duvet together. Having her there untangled all of the gristly knots I’d felt snaking and twisting inside my stomach during dinner. She smelled like flowers and fresh fields and I wondered how she carried it on her skin so effortlessly.

I put my hand on her again, and to my surprise she put a hand on me as well. With a surge of concealed excitement and a sharp breath through my mouth, I pulled her slightly closer and she shifted towards me. She was watching my lips, and I hers; I saw them tremble slightly in the dim light of my room.

‘I missed you tonight.’ I said.

‘I missed you too.’

I cuddled her, wrapping my arm further around her waist. Her hand stroked along my back. That longing urge started to pump in my lower abdomen and I let my lips trace her neck very lightly, just under her ear. I heard her sigh, her minty breath tickled me and her fingers pressed into my skin.

I didn’t know what to do then, so I drew back and rested my head on the pillow; ignoring the burn I felt in my thighs. We were inches apart, both staring at each other’s parted lips. I don’t think she knew what to do either. She closed her eyes and I moved closer, so that my head was under her chin. She held me for the entire night.


	6. The Fight

‘It is not good for man to be alone.’ The Rav preached to us, his forefinger tapped the book that sat on the _bimah_ before him, as his voice bounced off all four walls of the echoey synagogue. ‘So Genesis tells us.’ He paused. ‘Adam, when he was created in his singularity, his uniqueness, proved to us that-’

‘Mr Roth is picking his nose.’ Ronit whispered into my ear, giggling behind her hand as the Rav continued talking.

I tried not to look but I did anyway, then I had to bite my lip to stop myself from smiling.

‘- he had to appreciate this loneliness, he had to appreciate this despair… for the gift of Chava to be worthwhile.’ The Rav took a dramatic breath. ‘He saw the companionship before him amongst the animals but he, he knew that he could not find companionship in the animal kingdom himself. He realised this. To him, this was not natural. And he could not find companionship in himself… he could only explore the emptiness within.’

I heard Ronit sigh unashamedly loudly, she fell forward and rested her arms on the pew, clicking her fingers; I noticed her jumper rise up, revealing the two small dimples on the small of her back. I dragged my eyes back to the Rav.

‘Chava was granted to him, but… only after he realised his loneliness himself. Our lesson here, is clear-’

‘This is so boring.’ Ronit sighed and crossed her legs on the bench, earning her a loud hushing from my mother; my cheeks burned.

‘- we must realise our potential, before we can seek our reward. You see, once we realise what we alone are capable of, we can then discover what is missing. With that knowledge of ourselves, with the journey we undertake alone… when we have completed that… we are able to seek more clearly the answers to our questions.’

A few men in the rows below us bobbed their heads and murmured, and my mother nodded furiously as her stiff hands writhed together, it reminded me of watching squirrels in the park nesting and hoarding acorns.

  Ronit slouched back with a huff, she tapped her thumbs together and occasionally made a small popping noise with her lips, she really couldn’t sit still. I could feel my mother’s cold glare reaching for her, so I lifted my knee to conceal my drifting hand as I rested it on the side of her leg. She stopped moving immediately, her back straightened and she looked ahead with closed lips.

‘Hashem bestowed us with patience, and it is our duty to oblige him. Look inward… before reaching outward.’

The service ended shortly after that, Ronit skipped down the steps ahead of me but waited when she reached the bottom. This was normally the time, depending on how we felt, we’d break away from the flock and run to the park and climb the trees, or head towards our secret garden behind the abandoned house at the end of Wykeham Grove. A spot where the cul-de-sac ended providing a long, thin patch of unkempt grass between the brick wall and some rotten wooden fences.

Guilt forced me to tell my mother we were going, and she gave me a curfew with tight, pursed lips. She’d been growing more irritable recently, I found it best to leave her alone entirely, but she was also becoming more demanding of my time.

‘That was so boring I almost started crying at one point.’ Ronit said when we turned the corner onto Wykeham; her soft, clammy hand held mine as we ambled along the pavement.

‘I thought it was interesting.’ I admitted, thinking about how the Rav’s words had rang through me, for reasons I didn’t quite understand. The message had seemed important, necessary.

‘That’s because you’re weird.’ Ronit said through a smirk.

‘I am not.’ I tugged on her hand, though I felt a smile sneak onto my own face. ‘It was true, what he said.’

‘Oh, he talks about so much stuff. How can you even remember what he said?’

‘Because I pay attention.’

Ronit gave a short laugh. ‘Okay, go on then, what did he say that was true?’

‘That… we should know ourselves, before we try and find-’

Ronit started feigning snoring, snorting and wheezing loudly with her eyes closed. I pulled my hand away and laughed, feeling the cool air on my warm, moist hand.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ She chuckled as she grappled for my hand back, she swung it lightly. ‘It’s just, I hear him practice and talk Torah _all_ the time when he’s at home.’

‘That’s fine. I understand.’

We were almost at the end of the road now. To get into our garden we had to crawl through a small hole at the bottom of the decomposing panels. Ronit always went through first, I don’t know why but she always did. I slunk through behind her, into the murky alleyway, where the mellow, dewy grass immediately wet our hands and knees.

‘I liked last night.’ Ronit whispered as soon as I was sat next to her. She would always do this; she would tell me secrets here, she would admit things here, as though the flimsy wooden fence provided us with a protective shield that no one could penetrate.

‘I did too.’ I nodded, but I didn’t look at her. I knew what she was referring to. I’d slept at hers the night before, just like I did every Friday, but this had been different.

It started normally enough, I had been laying on my side and her hand was on me. It was when I started to fall asleep that I heard her take a deep gulp, followed by the sensation of her hot breath on my neck.

‘Are you-’

I went to ask if she was all right, but I didn’t finish before I felt her move under the covers, before I felt her wrapping her arm around my chest and bringing her knees up behind mine.

‘Do you mind?’ She whispered into my hair and I shivered.

I shook my head. ‘No. No, I don’t mind.’

When I felt her lips on the back of my head and her hands tightening over my chest, my eyes closed, and I dropped into a state of blissful dizziness. It was as though my brain was spinning and spiralling despite the fact I was intentionally being as still as I could, because I didn’t want her to move away from me.

‘Your hair smells nice.’ She had muttered, but I couldn’t hear her well over the blood rushing in my ears. I don’t know how I fell asleep, because the last thing I remember was my entire body throbbing and that my skin felt electric.

‘Why do you think it feels good?’ Ronit asked, bringing me back to the gloomy space, where the wetness of the grass was seeping through the back of my tights. ‘When we do that?’

‘I- I don’t know.’

‘Because it _does_ feel good.’

‘I know.’

She stared at me with a twisted mouth for a long time before turning away, then she flicked a pebble impatiently at the fence. ‘Should we go to the park instead? It’s too damp here.’

‘Okay.’

She left first, and I followed her, knowing the only reason she’d led me there in the first place was to talk about last night, and since I couldn’t offer any wisdom or insight, doing something else seemed more appealing. I thought about what I could say the next time she asked.

The park was busy. It always was after service on a Saturday, all of the larger families in the community would head there for picnics if the weather was fair, or they’d head to the bandstand if the sky was grey and overcast. Today was an abnormally warm day, so there were people everywhere. Ronit let my hand go when we reached the iron gates.

‘Let’s go this way.’ She instructed.

‘Aren’t we going to the tree?’

‘No, I don’t feel like it.’

An uncertain frown tipped my eyebrows and I followed her along a gravel path that weaved behind the child’s play area, the pond and the small oak forest in the centre of the park.

‘Let’s go in here.’ She prowled ahead, through a bare patch in the sparse trees. She knocked the dead stalks out of the way and got brown stems stuck all over her clothes. When she came to a stop in between a cluster of trees, I reached out to pick one of the larger twigs from her shoulder.

Her head dipped to where my hand was, and she turned her body towards me; she moved with fluidity, in such grace that I didn’t even realise that she’d stepped closer to me and taken my hands in her own again. Shrouded in dim sunlight by the skeletal trees, with the echoes of laughter and bird call around us, her face swam in front of mine. Her dark eyelashes flitted and flickered as she considered me while my mouth dried instantly.

It felt so natural, this drift towards each other; it was like watching two people dancing, safe in the knowledge they were both certain of the steps, the current and the melody that brought them together. Her lips parted, and she leant towards me.

I felt her shaky breath on my skin for a second, but I didn’t get to feel her lips touch me, because as soon as my eyes closed, a repelled, repugnant shriek sliced through the middle of us.

‘You were gonna kiss her!’ The shrill voice that hollered was followed by a gaggle of shocked giggles and I started to panic. I kept my eyes pinned shut, to pretend I wasn’t there.

‘Shut _up_ Keren!’ I heard Ronit's scorn, the rare seed of anger I sometimes heard in her sprouted with each syllable. ‘Why are you spying on us? What are you? Some kind of fr-’

‘I can’t believe you were going to kiss weird Esti! That’s _disgusting_!’ I could hear Keren’s footsteps approaching us and I decided to open my eyes, I was there, with a scolding burn of shame on my throat, there was no escaping it.

‘Stop calling her that!’

I glanced behind me while taking an overdue gasp of air that I’d neglected for a few seconds too long. Keren, Hinda and Bina were standing in between two thin tree trunks, Ronit had marched to Keren and my panic propelled into fear.

‘You called her weird first!’ Keren shouted. ‘Did you know that Esti?’

I didn’t say anything, even though everyone was looking at me, everyone except Ronit. A thick nauseousness swirled in my gut.

‘If you say that one more time,’ Ronit held her finger up, I think she was speaking through gritted teeth, but I couldn’t be sure. I was suddenly aware of the absence of laughter, the silence of the birds; as though the entire park was listening to us.

Keren leant into Ronit, with Hinda and Bina flanking her she looked tall and confident. ‘You called her weird first, _and_ you said that she looks like-’

Ronit stormed Keren then, with an intense strength she pushed her so hard that Keren fell to the ground. Hinda and Bina’s startled yelps dragged me to the reality that Ronit and Keren were tussling, and that my feet were still stuck to the dead leaves and soil beneath me.

A lot happened at once.

Some adults had heard the scrap and came running into the forest. Keren and Ronit were crying out and shouting at each other, all the while Keren’s hands landed blow after blow on Ronit’s back and shoulders. Ronit was suddenly wrenched away, dragged from the Keren’s struggling body by one of the older Klein cousins; she was so small that he easily lifted her with one of his arms. Keren’s mother was shouting and gesticulating while helping Keren up and Hinda and Bina were still wailing. I thought I saw blood on Keren’s face, but I hoped I imagined it.

A worried, mumbling crowd had followed the scuffle, and I waited in agony for my mother’s inevitable face to appear, crumpled and furious that I’d be at the centre of such a scene. But it wasn’t my mother’s face I saw in the end, it was my father’s.

‘What happened, Esti?’ He asked me, once the space had cleared of gossiping mouths; I’d been forgotten about by Keren, her mother, Bina and Hinda, by everyone, it was as though I’d never been there. All the attention had been cast to Ronit.

‘They were… being cruel.’ I was staring ahead, with no direction of thought or speech.

‘Who was being cruel?’

‘Keren was.’

‘What did she say?’

A flicker of expected embarrassment grabbed the back of my throat; I thought of Ronit, leaning into me, the anticipation that had coursed through me. ‘They called us names. Keren did… she deserved it.’

‘Sweetheart, nobody deserves violence.’

‘But she was being horrible.’

‘That may be, but that is why we must use our words.’ He’d knelt down in front of me now, I felt the calluses on his palm through my shirt as he stroked my arm. ‘Whatever Keren said can be forgotten. It’s easier to forget words than it is to forget a scar. Do you understand?’

I nodded. I opened my mouth, when I felt an odd rush of tears flooding to my eyes. ‘Ronit won’t get into trouble, will she?’

‘I’m not sure-’

‘She was defending me.’

‘Well, she should have-’

‘Keren was being so hor-’

‘Esti.’ His voice was firm but calm enough to halt my panicked tears.

My bottom lip shuddered. I wondered where Ronit had been taken to, if she’d been shouted at, what she’d think of me for not doing anything. ‘I have to tell the Rav that it wasn’t her fault.’

‘Let’s allow the Rav to deal with this, sweetheart.’

‘Will you let me tell him? Please?’

He stood up then, my father with his creaky knees and stiff back, and he took a deep sigh as he scratched his ear. ‘This evening, I am seeing the Rav. I will tell him what you said.’

‘Will you?’

‘I will. Now come on, your mother will be wondering where we are.’

We left the park together, my father lit a cigarette on his way out. I looked around; Keren had disappeared with her mother, but Hinda and Bina were still there, sitting on a park bench and staring at me as I followed my father.

I didn’t see Ronit, though I’d wished with all of my heart that I had. Because I desperately wanted to tell her I was sorry, I wanted her to hold my hand, and most of all, I wanted her to do what she’d meant to, before we’d been interrupted in the forest.


	7. The Distance

‘She’s a bad influence, Josef.’

‘She’s a child, Polli.’

‘And you know she’s a bad influence! That is the most infuriating thing. She just about broke poor Keren’s nose!’

‘If they were boys, you would say it was just a scrap.’

‘Exactly! But they are not boys! She’s a thug! Oh, the poor Rav, I can’t imagine his pain seeing her act like that, especially after Leah- oh, would you stop rattling your knee?’

‘Polli, she is Esti’s friend.’

‘Esti can make new friends.’

I’d been listening to my parents hushed voices since my father and I returned from the park. My mother had been in bed with a rag over her eyes. As soon as we got in, she complained that three people had called her already to tell her what had happened, including Keren’s mother.

‘I don’t want this to affect you and the Rav.’ I heard her voice drop.

‘It won’t, because nothing will change.’

‘She is not to stay there anymore.’

My heart sank, it plummeted so harshly that my stomach lurched.

‘You’re overreacting.’

‘You’re blind. My head feels like it might explode, would you leave me alone for five minutes?’

My father didn’t say anymore, I heard their door close and his slow footsteps plodding on each of the steps downstairs. I was kneeling on my bedroom floor, my head propped up by the heavy wooden door. I’d started getting pins and needles in my legs, but I let them numb me; it was enjoyable, having that unpleasant physical sensation to distract me.

Finally, I succumbed to the expected pain that grew from the dull fuzziness in my limbs and stood up. I caught a glimpse out of the window even though the curtains were almost fully drawn. It was still early; my mother would definitely be napping for the rest of the afternoon. I decided then what I was going to do. I grabbed my coat from the bed, put it on, tiptoed past my parents’ room and went downstairs.

I could smell my father’s smoke wafting in from the conservatory; part of me wanted to tell him where I was going, part of me knew he would understand, but I still didn’t. With extreme pace and precision, I turned the door handle silently. Closing it was trickier, but when I heard the inner mechanism clunk, I bolted down the road, all the way to Ronit’s house.

I was out of breath, wheezing and red-faced when I got there. I slowed before I reached their house, I didn’t want the Rav to see me. I snuck through the side gate, since Ronit mentioned they never locked it I had been using it as my main entrance. To my relief, the back door was unlocked, so I eased in. I knew the Rav would be in his study, he was always in his study.

My heart was thudding in my chest and beating in my ears as I crept through the kitchen. It was only then I suddenly realised the stupidity of my actions, the madness of what I was doing, and I started to panic. The house was so quiet, what if neither of them were in? I worried so much about the trouble I would get into if I was found, that I had to throttle the thoughts in my mind. I ran up the stairs, feeling the slick tug of fear stifling my breathing and clenching my stomach.

I pushed Ronit’s door to and it creaked loudly, so I seized it immediately. I slid through the frame, my face drenched with sweat from running, terror and anticipation.

‘Esti?’ Ronit’s voice greeted me before I saw her. ‘What’re you- what’re you doing?’

‘Shh!’ I tried closing the door as quietly as I could.

‘What-’ her face was almost stunned, then she started laughing, loudly.

‘Ronit, be quiet!’

‘Esti, he’s not here!’

‘I- oh,’ my shaky arms dropped to my side and I exhaled for a long time. ‘I thought he was.’

‘Nope.’ She rolled up the magazine she’d been reading. She was wearing her undershirt and shorts; now I was looking at her properly, I saw she had some fresh scratches on her knees, and a red mark on her cheek.

‘Wh-where is he? Has he seen you?’

‘He went out. What’re you doing here?’

‘I came to- to see you.’

She smiled and hopped from the bed. ‘Thank you. You didn’t need to.’

‘Has the Rav…? Does he know what happened?’

Ronit snorted. ‘You know how everyone talks. He probably found out before it happened.’

‘Was he angry with you?’

She shrugged. ‘Embarrassed, I think.’

I didn’t reply but I took several steps forward, my arms tightly wound around her. She flinched when I pulled her in and all of a sudden, I remembered what happened in the forest barely an hour ago. The vision and sound of Keren’s fists slamming against her back flooded to my brain as Ronit stretched up and wriggled out of my grip.

‘Sorry, I’m so sorry. Does it- does it hurt?’

‘Ah, it’s nothing.’ Ronit puffed, a hand reflexively snapping to her shoulder. ‘Just stupid Keren’s fat hands.’

‘Do you- do you want me to look at it?’

‘No, you don’t have to.’

‘You should put something cold on it, if it hurts.’ I was using my mother’s voice, I could hear it. ‘Do you have a flannel? Or frozen peas?’

‘Esti, it’s okay-’

‘I’d like to help.’

She sighed, and her eyes closed. ‘Fine.’

She went to the airing cupboard and I followed close behind her, still nervous and uncertain; as though I was expecting the towering figure of the Rav to appear at any second.

‘Here.’ Ronit shoved a rough washcloth into my hand and stalked back to her bedroom. I went to the bathroom and let the cold tap run while I pulled my sweaty coat off. When the water had turned almost icy, I sunk the cloth under the stream, soaking it entirely and relishing the cold on my hands and wrists.

I wrung it out so that it retained just some of its moisture and walked slowly back to Ronit’s bedroom. She was on her bed thumbing her magazine again, though I don’t think she was reading any of it.

‘It’ll be cold.’ I warned as I perched behind her, she only nodded. I realised then that her vest was higher at the back, so high that I could only make out a patter of redness just touching her nape. I clenched my jaw and lifted the bottom of her vest. I heard her inhale sharply as my hand rose under the fabric and the frozen cloth grazed her skin.

I pressed it against her, but I couldn’t see what I was pressing against. We sat there for a few moments, my hand holding the flannel aimlessly on her back. It wasn’t fruitful.

‘I can’t see where it hurts…’ I uttered the words, wanting to keep my hand under her vest, desperate to help her properly. Ronit shifted her arms and started to lift her vest up. Still facing away from me, she brought it over her head; her entire bare, bruised back was revealed to me.

She glimpsed over her shoulder. ‘Is that easier?’

‘Yes.’ I replied, though the word was only breath. I saw a cluster of broken blood vessels on her left shoulder, red flushes all over and heavy purple swells along her spine. ‘Keren really went… I’m sorry, Ronit.’

‘Why are you sorry?’ She asked, just before flinching as I held the cloth against her biggest bruise.

‘I don’t know. I just feel I should be.’

‘That’s stupid. You say sorry too much. Ah- ow.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Stop saying sorry.’ Ronit’s words came through gritted teeth, her head lolled forward and she gasped. A flurry of goosebumps rose over her back and neck and my other hand automatically moved towards them. I very lightly touched them and closed my eyes briefly when I felt her.

‘I know you called me weird before. I heard you in school.’ I admitted, my fingers still resting on her soft, prickly skin. She didn’t speak, she only continued to whine and whimper as the cloth moved over her wounds. ‘I don’t care.’

‘You’re not weird.’ She said.

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘No, but you’re not weird. I mean, you are weird sometimes, but I like it.’ 

I smiled then, my fingers were still moving gently over the patches of her back that weren’t bruised.

‘I heard my mother talking earlier, she said that you’re a bad influence. She doesn’t want me staying here anymore.’

Ronit groaned. ‘That’s… that is my fault.’

‘My father doesn’t mind.’

‘That won’t matter, will it?’

‘If you don’t- if you don’t get into another fight, it might be okay.’

‘I didn’t _want_ to get into a fight today.’

‘I know.’

‘I didn’t wake up and think, “I’m going to fight Keren today”.’

‘I know.’

Ronit paused. ‘It was a good fight though, wasn’t it?’ She looked over her shoulder, grinning. ‘Did you see Keren’s face?’

‘Ronit.’

‘Sorry.’ She sniffed and puffed again as the cloth reached the raw patch of red on her neck. ‘It was funny though.’

‘I heard you almost broke her nose.’

‘Hardly.’ Ronit scoffed. ‘Made her lip bleed though.’

‘Well, it looks like you came off worse.’

‘That’s because she’s got stupid ham fists. She had a better angle and-’

‘It wasn’t an insult, Ronit.’

‘Oh.’

‘You need something else for this, like medicine or something.’ I sighed as I brought the cloth down, it had warmed too much, it was ineffective. My other hand was still lightly stroking her. ‘You need to keep cold on it.’

‘Why don’t you stay here and keep the flannel on it then?’

‘I- I can’t. My parents- they’re going to go mad.’ I said. She nodded and started to pull her undershirt back on. ‘No, wait.’ I pressed my palm flat over the shoulder blade that was undamaged, my fingers spread over her warm skin. ‘I can stay for a bit.’

Ronit lowered her arms and I stayed there far longer than I should have. Several times I went between wetting the cloth in the bathroom to sitting behind her, pressing the cold material against her and soothing the sore, swollen patches that had started to calm. When the crest of the sun fell behind the houses opposite, I knew it was already too late.

I took a breath and stroked Ronit’s back again before leaning forward, my face hovered behind her. Without thinking, I pressed my lips softly against the back of her neck. I heard her breathe in and her head bowed forwards.

‘Thank you, for fighting for me.’ I whispered, not pulling back. I wanted to keep breathing in the smell of her skin.

Ronit nodded. ‘Always.’ She said simply, as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

‘I should go.’

‘Okay.’

‘I can come back tomorrow.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Even if I have to sneak out again.’

Ronit chuckled as she pulled her vest over her head. ‘Maybe I am a bad influence.’

‘You’re not. Here.’ I passed her the cloth back and she took it from me, her fingers lightly touched mine. ‘I will come back.’

‘I believe you.’

‘Then I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘See you tomorrow.’

I wanted to hold her, to feel her against me, but I was afraid of hurting her again, so I just left. I walked home, anticipating but surprisingly not dreading my parent’s reactions.

 

The few weeks after were unbearable.

My mother had been serious about slashing the time Ronit and I spent together. Our Friday night sleepovers were completely halted, and she had started to demand me home after school every day. Ronit started to feel like a stranger again; I could only speak to her properly at school. For a long time, the lunch hours we spent alone at the far end of the playground was the most we had, and we couldn’t do much more than stroke each other’s hair and hold hands.

I missed the feeling of her hands on my stomach and chest, and we’d only had the one night where she’d embraced me in bed, I wanted more of that. There was an unfairness to it all that rotted inside me, it made me resent my mother and treat everything I did without Ronit with disdain. I was terrified that the closeness we’d developed would fizzle and dissolve into nothing, that I would turn into lonely, weird Esti again and Ronit would realise how boring I was and forget all about me.

She told me she was always pestering the Rav to speak to my father, but nothing had happened yet.

‘It’s your mum’s fault.’ She stated one day as we walked towards our tree in the playground; I noticed Keren and Hinda gawking at us as we walked past them.

‘I know.’

‘It’s so stupid. It’s been ages and I haven’t had any more fights, and everyone’s _still_ talking about it.’ She kicked a stone and catapulted it across the gravel. ‘This place is so stupid, I hate it.’

‘It’s just because Keren’s mother won’t-’

‘She _always_ brings it up. Always. It’s like no one here talks about anything else apart from each other.’

I went quiet. She’d been doing this more and more; complaining about our community, the people, the gossips and the rumours. It was becoming an everyday occurrence that she’d go on a longwinded rant, and I would just sit there, struggling to join in but wanting so very much to sympathise with her.

‘I fucking hate it. There’s a whole world and- and all they talk about is that stupid fight, or that Mr and Mrs Cooper are both having affairs, or that the new family on our road are too _goyish_. I hate it Esti.’

‘I know you hate it.’ I said, my back starting to itch against the bark of the tree.

‘Well, don’t you?’

‘I don’t really think about it.’

‘But you’re _always_ thinking. You’re so quiet and… brooding.’

‘I think about other things.’

‘Like what?’

‘I think about you a lot.’

Ronit had been standing above me, tearing apart a branch with each word of her tirade but then she threw it to the ground and sat next to me. Her shoulder rubbed against mine. She didn’t say anything back; we just sat there until the bell rang.

 

I’d behaved well. I hadn’t visited Ronit’s at all since the last time, when I’d tried to soothe her painful back. I had obeyed my mother’s wishes and come home every day, even though it was agony. I had even stopped leaving the house earlier to meet Ronit because my mother asked me to help her with her morning exercises. It all broke though, one Sunday afternoon, when the sudden desperation to be held by her was too powerful to ignore.

I was sitting with my mother in the kitchen, holding a ball of yellow wool while she knitted it together into the shape of mittens, when my father entered with a gloomy face.

‘Polli, Esti,’ he sighed for a long time, his voice was low.

‘What is it Josef? We’re busy.’ My mother asked, continuing with her clicking needles.

‘I… just spoke with Zev.’ His words were slow, methodical; I experienced a rush of jagged worry in my stomach immediately.

‘Did he want more money?’ She scoffed haughtily, her needles gathered speed.

‘Orna passed away.’

My mother stopped then, her knitting lowered as a hot pain struck my neck. ‘She what?’

‘She had a stroke. Today.’ My father’s dampening eyes were staring past us, I tried to swallow but I couldn’t manage it.

‘Josef, what are you talking about?’ The half-finished mittens were slammed onto the table as my mother stood up.

‘It was very sudden.’

‘I- I was just on the phone with her yesterday.’

‘I know, it’s…’ He started to sob then, and my mother rushed to him.

‘Oh Josef, I’m so sorry.’

I watched them both as my normally stoic father trembled like a child in her arms. The hotness on my neck spread down my back and up over my scalp. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to react, there were definitely tears heading for my eyes but apart from that, I couldn’t process anything. I’d seen Aunt Orna two days ago, she had been laughing and entirely joyful and she’d brought me a box of almond brittle. She was my father’s only sister, his only sibling; they had been so close.

‘Esti, come here sweetheart.’ I heard my father say, he was pulling away from my mother and he opened his arms for me. I walked to him, my head rested against his hard chest. The smell of stale smoke on his jumper was intoxicating, and the scratchy mohair made my nose and cheeks itch as my own tears soaked into it.

‘I- I just can’t believe it.’ My mother’s muffled words dwindled behind me. ‘I can’t believe it. Where is she?’

‘Zev took her to the hospital. I was- ah,’ he rubbed his eyes, one arm still around me. ‘I was going to go and see him now.’

‘I’ll come with you. Esti, you- you should stay here.’

‘I’ll go by myself, Polli.’

‘No, no, I want to see her.’ My mother said abruptly. ‘But Esti, you should stay-’

‘Both of you will stay here.’

‘I am coming!’ My mother almost yelped. ‘I don’t believe it, I have to see her.’

‘If you’re coming, then so should Esti.’

‘She absolutely shouldn’t, Josef. She can’t- no, she’s a child. She’s not coming to the hospital, I won’t have that. She can stay here, or we’ll take her next door – we won’t be long. You don’t mind, do you Esti?’ My mother asked hurriedly, collecting her handbag.

‘Can I go to Ronit’s?’ I asked the question fearlessly, with no worry of the answer. I’d already decided no matter what happened that I would go and see Ronit, whether they gave me permission or not.

‘Now is not the time Est-’ My mother’s face tightened.

‘Of course you can.’ My father said, cleaning his glasses with his jumper. ‘We’ll drop you there.’

‘Josef-’

‘Let’s get into the car.’ My father interrupted my mother’s bitter mouth from speaking anymore. ‘I told Zev I’d be fifteen minutes.’

The drive to Ronit’s was a fuzzy blur, even though it was only minutes long. My mother wouldn’t stop scowling and my father kept sniffing loudly. When I got out of the car, my parents both said something, but I wasn’t listening. Normally I would go through the side gate, but my father hadn’t driven away yet, so I went to the front door instead. I knocked softly, and it opened seconds later.

‘Hello.’ Ronit was wearing a loose, white t-shirt and shorts; her low, husky voice curved up when she saw me. ‘What’re you doing here?’

‘My aunt died.’

‘Your-’ Her face dropped. ‘Orna?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh,’ she waited, I heard her playing with the chain on the door. ‘Do you… the Rav’s not here, if you wanted to come in.’

I nodded and stepped inside, I turned to wave at my parents before closing the door behind me. I had already started to cry again when she embraced me. The smell of her hair was made my breath stop; I slumped into her arms, my face was buried in her neck.

‘Did you just find out now?’ She asked, her voice was hoarse.

I nodded, knowing my tears were wetting her. Behind her back, I had started to twirl the ends of her long hair in my fingers; she smelt like young budding trees, like dew on grass, a fresh, summer scent that purified the air around me.

‘Do you want to come upstairs?’

I nodded again, and she led me to her bedroom by the hand. When we got there, she removed my cardigan and wiped my eyes carefully with it. I laid back on the mattress and she did the same. One of her arms weaved underneath me and rested over my chest, the other relaxed on my stomach. It was so natural, organic and comfortable, the position we fell into, that neither of us moved for some time.

My stinging eyes were heavy and raw, and at one point I thought I might fall asleep, but then I felt her lips press against the top of my head and my entire body surged.

‘I liked Orna.’ She whispered, her lips still touching my hair.

‘I don’t really understand it.’

‘It’s strange.’ She said, her fingers had started lightly stroking my stomach. ‘It’ll be strange for a while.’

‘Will you look after me?’ I asked, it sounded so pathetic that I almost scowled at myself through my tears.

Ronit respired. ‘I’ll do whatever you need me to.’

‘I just need you to be here.’

‘Then I’ll be here.’

‘Do you promise?’

She paused, just for a moment. ‘I promise.’


	8. The Palm Reading

I don’t know how many Fridays had passed now, how many nights I’d endured without Esti. I suppose it was quite a few. It made me think that her mother had a deeper issue with me, one that was tipped over by the fight I’d had with Keren. Perhaps she always thought I was a bad influence. Perhaps she just didn’t like me. I didn’t think about it for too long; I never found thinking particularly productive.

It wouldn’t have bothered me, except Esti didn’t even come over after school anymore. I can’t remember the last time she’d been in my bedroom, it must have been when her aunt died. That still made my heart wrench when I thought of it. We could only spend time together alone at school, and we were never really alone there. We always had someone watching us.

After the fight with Keren, my father had taken me to her house to apologise.

‘But I already said sorry.’ I murmured; it wasn’t entirely untruthful. I’d spat an apology to Keren after one of her second cousins caught me by the scruff of my neck, when he’d grabbed me from the ground.

‘I want to witness it.’

‘But it already happene-’

‘Ronit.’ He said my name in that tone he often used. The voice that indicated he was done talking, the final nail in the conversation we’d staggered through together.

The apology was excruciating. Keren and her mother stood in front of me as I squirmed and stared at my feet, mumbling a half-hearted apology while my father lingered behind me. He kept offering infuriating prompts while Keren’s mother sneered and derided me with small comments. Afterwards I wanted to talk to Esti about it, to confide in her, to seek comfort from her, and most of all to tell her that Keren’s eczema had flared up again, and that she looked like a flaky, red lizard. When I got home I called her, but her mother answered.

‘Esti is busy.’ She said curtly.

‘When will she not be busy?’

‘Not today unfortunately.’

I sighed loudly before hanging up.

As though it couldn’t get any worse, one Friday afternoon my father suggested the most appalling thing that I choked on my sandwich.

‘I invited the Finkels over for dinner this evening.’ He started. That was depressing enough, but then he carried on. ‘I thought Shayna could stay the night, since you enjoy your sleepovers so much.’

His nose was hidden in one of his journals, so he didn’t see the hunk of bread fly out of my mouth and splat onto the table.

‘No thank you.’ I said, wiping my mouth and jeering as I wiped it up.

‘You ought to be nicer to Shayna, Ronit.’

‘I don’t like her. She smells funny.’

‘Ronit!’ His journal flew down and his brow furrowed with sudden outrage. ‘When did you become so rude? So insolent?’

‘But she does! I don’t want her to stay over!’

‘Your tongue runs away with you! It will get you into trouble one day, don’t you understand this? Do you not understand simple manners? What did we teach you, your mother and me, if not that?’

I didn’t say anything. He wasn’t expecting an answer when he asked questions like that. He brought his paper back up, scanning it through the gap in his glasses. He let out a large sigh and rubbed his eyes.

‘Friendship is important. It is as the proverb says,’ he paused while I rolled my eyes. ‘ _Make new friends, but don’t forget the old ones_. There is no reason why you cannot have Shayna stay while Esti remains-’

‘Why isn’t Esti staying over anymore? Is it because of Mrs Halper?’

His hand dropped. ‘I do not know where this habit of interrupting has come from, Ronit, but it would be wise not to continue with it.’

I mumbled an apology in the hope he’d carry on; I wanted to talk about Esti. I wanted her name in my mouth and in his and I wanted the thought of her to float above us in the kitchen.

‘Her mother is frail.’ He grunted, wetting his finger with his tongue and turning one of the pages he was reading. ‘She is the only one who can help her mother, especially since Orna passed.’

‘But even before Orna died, Esti wasn’t allowed over.’

‘Whatever Esti’s parents decide is what they decide, Ronit. Now, enough moping on the matter, please. The Finkels will be over in several hours, and you must prepare dinner while I go to the dry cleaners.’

It hadn’t been enough for me, I needed more conversation, I needed more of Esti. I kept thinking about her all while making dinner. She was there in the forefront of my mind while I peeled and sliced the potatoes, when I coated them in oil, garlic and rosemary, and when I layered them in an oven tray. She remained in my head when I prepared the couscous salad and the dressing and when I seasoned the salmon. I felt myself slipping, fixating too much and I wasn’t concentrating, towards the end I dropped a dish onto the kitchen floor and it shattered into pieces. After I cleaned it up and hid it at the bottom of the bin in the hope my father wouldn’t find it, I shook the thought of her and returned to the food.

I followed the instructions as per my mother’s handwritten recipes, just like I did every week. I think she had written them all out for me when she found out she was sick, because of the number of personal notes in there intended for me.

_Your father shouldn’t have too much salt, so make sure you put more pepper in his food so that he doesn’t notice._

_Too many onions make your father’s stomach upset, use leeks instead when you can darling._

I headed upstairs when the food was ready and fell onto my bed frustrated, confused and empty. Shayna would be here soon, making my room feel fusty and overcrowded and talking to me about things I didn’t care about. Then I thought about Esti again, and something in my chest fluttered and I rolled onto my stomach to calm the feeling.

Sometimes I thought I could still smell Esti’s hair on my pillows if I pressed my face into them deep enough. That’s what I did this time, but it was gone. I couldn’t convince myself it was there anymore, so I just let the idea of her devour me.

I remembered holding her several weeks ago, letting my lips touch the top of her head. I suppose it was a kiss, but I thought kisses only mattered when they were on the face. That’s what I’d remembered from a service my father had given a few weeks ago; it was one of the only times I’d paid attention to the sermon.

‘A kiss symbolises trust. A kiss symbolises affection, it symbolises loyalty, a greeting, a righteous friendship.’ The Rav said in his quiet voice. ‘For as it is written, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of the mouth”.’

He’d been talking about men; the men always kissed each other when they met, but the women never did. I wondered why that was, I also wondered why men and women could only touch if they were married. I was told it was too grown up for me to understand, which enraged me. I was simply told it was wrong, that it was for adults to know and for children to accept.

Though touching Esti never felt wrong. It felt right, as though she fit my body, like slotting a puzzle piece into the centre of an incomplete jigsaw. When I recalled her body and the touch of her skin, a breath of air escaped my mouth and I experienced that tingling rush I got whenever she was close to me. A pleasant shiver that trickled down from my chest, through my stomach, settling in the sensitive space between my legs.

I took a small gulp and shuffled so my arm lowered underneath me. I immediately felt the heat emanating and I exhaled harder as my hips naturally rose over my cupped hand. Esti was still there, I could smell her floral hair again, I could feel her hot breath on my neck and her velvet fingers on my skin. I was compelled to push into my hand, for the comfort, for the release, so I did.

I felt a burn on the soles of my feet, and the smouldering flare of pleasure and sweat rising in my chest as my eyes shut. A small, shocked gasp jumped out of my open mouth as my breathing continued to swell inside my lungs. It was mounting inside me, whatever it was, and I couldn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to bring it to myself, to gift myself with whatever would come next, but before I could discover what it was, I heard the front door open and my father’s booming voice greeting the Finkels.

I heard my name called shortly afterwards. Scowling, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I felt emptier.

 

Mr Finkel boasted about Shayna’s art projects all through dinner, a sunflower she’d painted in particular, while Shayna sniffed as though she had snot constantly running down her nostrils. I was sat next to Mrs Finkel, whose sweet perfume and gentle manner and kindness roused a similar feeling to the one I’d had earlier. At one point the rim of her dress brushed my knuckles, and a lump grew in my throat.

After dinner, I was relieved to get away from her, even if it meant spending time with Shayna.

‘I got this from the library on Monday.’ Shayna said, holding a thin, yellow book in her oddly small hands. ‘It’s about palm reading. Have you heard of that?’

‘No, it sounds stupid.’ I said, watching the darkening sky out of the window, wondering what Esti was doing.

‘It’s not. It’s interesting.’

I sighed and turned back to Shayna, who was still sniffing. ‘What is it then?’ I asked, letting my curiosity get the better of me.

Shayna grinned so harshly that I saw the matching yellow tips of her canine teeth. ‘It’s about the lines on your palms.’ I looked down at my hand, if only to stop looking at her. ‘You use them to tell your future.’ She continued.

‘You use the creases in your hand to tell your future?’ I scoffed. ‘That really is stupid.’

‘It is _not_! Look, I’ll show you.’ She brought the book to me and opened it to the third page. I was looking at a hand-drawn diagram of a hand, with three thick red lines pointing to the deepest lines on it. ‘There are three major lines; life, heart and head.’

‘What do they mean?’

‘Life is how long and how good your life will be.’ Shayna wiped her nose on her sleeve. ‘Heart is how much you’ll be led by your heart and stuff, and head is how smart you’ll be.’

‘Right.’ I said, staring at the book.

‘Do you want me to read yours?’

‘Not really.’

‘There are other lines.’ Shayna flicked several pages into the book. ‘There’s the fate line, and the Sun line, which tells you how famous and rich you’ll be.’

‘Really?’ I asked, feeling a slight glimmer of interest. ‘And you know how to read palms?’

‘Well, I only got it Monday, but I’ve learnt a lot of it already.’

‘Okay. You can read mine then.’

Shayna’s eyes flitted excitedly to me then. ‘I have to sit down and do it.’

‘Fine.’ I said, taking a seat on the cold, hard carpet because I didn’t want Shayna on my bed. She followed suit and sat opposite me, resting the book to the side of her.

‘What hand do you write with?’

‘Left.’ I replied shortly.

‘Then I need your right hand.’

I held up my hand for Shayna, her cold, clammy fingers wrapped around it and I fought the urge to retrieve it.

‘Tell me about my Sun line.’ I demanded.

‘Okay. So,’ Shayna sniffed as her eyes absorbed my palm. ‘Your Sun line starts in the middle of your hand.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means that your life will get easier, I think.’

‘Will I be rich?’

‘Erm,’ Shayna stuttered and went back to the book. ‘It says you’ll be famous.’

‘Really?’

‘But not for a long time.’

‘Oh. Tell me about my heart line.’

‘Stop going so quickly, I don’t know it all yet.’ Shayna frowned at my palm. ‘Your heart line is… a bit broken and it forks at the end.’

‘And that means?’

‘The broken line means tumultuous, I think.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘Unsteady. But the fork means… hold on.’ She turned back to the book.

‘You’re not very good at this, Shayna.’

That made her snort, it sounded like she dislodged a wedge of phlegm at the back of her throat. ‘Okay, it means… heartbreak, but also means you’ll sacrifice a lot.’

‘And the lines on my palm can tell that?’ I scoffed, pulling my hand back. ‘What do your lines mean?’

‘My head line is deepest.’ Shayna said, looking strangely disappointed, her hands were still hovering in between us.

‘Does that mean you’re a swot?’

She laughed again. ‘It means I’m smart.’

‘So, a swot?’

She shrugged and closed her book, she sniffed once more before speaking again. ‘Hinda told me that you tried to kiss Esti.’ She said it so bluntly that it made my neck snap towards her.

‘Hinda should shut her mouth.’

‘Did you?’

‘No, I didn’t.’

‘But Bina and Keren saw it too.’

‘I don’t care.’ I stood up, feeling a hot prickle catching my throat. ‘Why does everyone care so much anyway?’

She shrugged again and stood up, she was slightly taller than me, though more gangly and gawkish. ‘I think they’re jealous. They want to be your friends again.’

‘They are my friends, well…they were.’ I said weakly.

‘Not since you and Esti do everything together now.’

‘That’s stupid.’

‘You say everything is stupid.’

‘Well everything _is_ stupid.’

‘Is Esti your best friend now?’

‘Yes.’

Shayna paused then and sat on the end of my bed. I wanted to tell her to get off, but I didn’t. ‘Esti was holding hands with Dovid today.’

A helpless, cold swell crashed over my head, sinking me. ‘No she wasn’t.’ I spoke quickly, the words rushed out of me, as though attempting to thwart Shayna’s.

‘She was, I saw her. Outside the Fisher’s deli. Dovid fancies her, Gabriel told me.’

‘That’s not true. Esti doesn’t like Dovid like that.’

Shayna shrugged again. ‘Maybe you should ask her. It’s weird you don’t know who your best friend fancies.’

‘I think I can hear your parents leaving.’ I hissed, and Shayna turned her head to listen.

‘The Rav told my parents I could stay the night.’ Shayna said slowly.

‘I don’t have a sleeping bag for you.’ I found myself suddenly grappling for excuses, feeling a seething rage towards my father for not listening to me earlier.

‘That’s okay. I can use a blanket.’

‘The floor gets cold.’

‘Your bed is quite big.’

‘I sleep like a starfish. I’d end up hitting you in the face.’

‘That’s okay.’ Shayna tittered. ‘But I don’t have any pyjamas. Can I borrow some of yours?’

I audibly sighed, with no attempt to hide it. I didn’t have the energy. ‘Fine.’

Defeated, I dug around for two sets of pyjamas for us both, knowing I didn’t want to sleep in a vest and shorts tonight. Shayna went downstairs to say goodbye to her parents while I battled with a powerless desire to cry for so many reasons. I didn’t want Shayna to stay, and the thought of Esti holding hands with Dovid was a plague. I didn’t understand why, that was part of the reason I felt so stupid and tangled. I’d also been looking forward to bringing my hand back to in between my legs, to explore that feeling again.

‘I’ve never had a sleepover before.’ Shayna stated when she returned, bringing a fresh waft of sourness with her. ‘Have you?’

‘Yes.’

‘With Esti?’

‘Mm.’

She took the pyjamas I handed her; they were my worst set, a vomit green, cotton pair that I never wore. ‘What do you and Esti do?’

‘We sleep.’ I said, pulling my long, chequered pyjamas up my legs.

‘That’s it?’ Shayna asked, staring at me.

‘Yep.’

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Well, I won’t try and change your mind.’

‘Who do you fancy?’ Shayna asked, still ogling me as I fastened the last button on my pyjama shirt.

‘I don’t fancy anyone.’

‘Me neither.’

We stood there awkwardly for a moment before Shayna left to get dressed into my pyjamas. That night I slept on the very edge of my bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short delay, thank you for your patience!
> 
> CN


	9. The Reunion

I didn’t see Esti at the synagogue on Saturday, which unsettled me. I was forced to sit next to Shayna as I fidgeted and looked all around the gallery for her or Mrs Halper, but I didn’t see either of them. At one point Mrs Finkel reached over to me, she lightly touched the back of my hand and asked me if I was well. I was briefly dazed, and I settled after that. After the service, I overheard my father speaking with Esti’s father.

‘-just another small episode, Rav.’ I caught Mr Halper’s last words. ‘She did apologise.’

‘No, it is no matter,’ my father said in his lowest voice. ‘May her health be restored quickly. I will pray for her.’

‘Thank you Rav.’

‘What’s wrong with Mrs Halper?’ I asked my father after Mr Halper had disappeared.

‘Nothing that concerns you, Ronit.’ He’d replied briskly.

 

Esti rarely met me in the mornings now, so when I saw her sitting on the bench on Monday morning, I thought I was imagining her. Initially I was ecstatic, and I started floating towards her, but then my stomach plunged when I remembered what Shayna had told me on Friday; that she’d seen Esti holding hands with Dovid outside the deli. In the short walk, I worked myself into a dither.

‘Hi.’ She greeted me with a smile. ‘My mother slept in today.’

‘That’s good.’ I said, standing above her. The early sun must have been in her eyes because she was squinting up at me.

‘I snuck out.’

‘Good.’

‘Are you glad?’

‘I’m always glad to see you. I missed you on Saturday.’ I said as she stood up, she was shorter than me and I always liked that. I caught a glimpse of her dimples and her green eyes glinting in the light of the morning and the adverse feeling inside me faded somewhat. We walked a little while in quiet, I listened to the birds tweeting and watched the cars and buses rumbling past us.

‘What’s wrong?’ Esti asked me eventually as soon as we turned onto the quiet road, her fingers locked into mine.

‘Were you holding hands with Dovid last week?’

‘Dovid?’

‘Outside the deli?’

‘Erm, I- no. I don’t remember.’ I could almost hear her tongue twisting.

‘Shayna said she saw you both on Friday.’

‘I- I think- I did see Dovid on Friday.’

‘Did he hold your hand?’

‘Yes, maybe. I think so, he- it wasn’t like when we hold hands though.’

‘What was it like?’

‘I don’t know. I was- I was waiting outside because my mother was getting things for dinner, and Dovid turned up and sat with me.’ Her hand started to writhe, but it still firmly gripped mine. I didn’t speak because I wanted her to fill the silence. ‘He asked me if he could.’

‘And you said yes?’

‘I- I- yes, but it wasn’t-’

‘I don’t mind.’ I was lying, but I wanted her to stop floundering.

‘It really wasn’t the same, Ronit.’

‘It doesn’t matter. It’s only holding hands anyway. It’s what children do.’

‘But… I like it when we hold hands.’

I didn’t say anything back, but I did stroke her with my thumb. I heard a car approaching and our hands naturally came apart and returned to one another when it had passed.

‘When did you see Shayna?’ Esti asked, her voice sounded thicker.

‘She stayed over on Friday.’

‘She stayed the night?’

‘Mm.’

‘Oh.’

I glanced at her, a small flush of redness had risen on her cheekbones and her low eyes were watching the pavement as we paced over it.

‘Did she sleep in a sleeping bag?’

‘No. I wanted her to though. She told me all about this stupid thing called palm reading.’

Esti gave a short laugh and looked at me. ‘What’s that?’

‘She thinks you can tell the future by looking at the lines on your hands.’ I laughed, and Esti joined me.

‘That’s silly.’ Esti said, showing me her beautiful grin.

‘She really is the most boring person. Plain Shayna.’

‘You’re so mean.’

‘But it makes you laugh, so maybe you’re just as mean as I am.’

‘Whatever makes you feel better.’ She sniffed and smiled at me, making my heart stop.

 

That lunchtime we were closer than normal. Instead of resting her head in my lap, our legs were entwined. We ate a pot of cherries together and spat the pips to see who could get them furthest while the solidity and pressure of her thighs on mine sent electricity cracking inside my ribs. By the end of the hour, I felt like I’d been sprinting because my heart was beating so fast.

 We couldn’t hold hands as much on our walk home; there were more people around, more risk of being seen and whilst I didn’t care, Esti did. When we reached the crest of my road, we retreated behind the bush to say goodbye like we always did.

‘Do you think you can come over?’ I asked hopefully even though I already knew the answer.

‘I don’t think I can.’

‘I wish you could.’

‘I do too.’ She started twirling a lock of my hair. ‘I think- I think my mother is starting to forget why I’m not allowed round anymore.’

‘Really?’

‘Mm. The other day she was… well, she was really nice to me. She asked me why I wasn’t staying at your house.’

‘Really? What did you say?’

‘I asked her if I was allowed to and she said that of course I was and then she made me a hot chocolate. But then…’

‘What?’

‘Well, then an hour later she was… ranting and raving about something.’

‘That’s… but that’s good, about the stuff before! Maybe she’s changing her mind.’

Esti nodded. ‘Maybe.’

‘Ask her again, when she’s in another good mood.’

‘I will.’ She looked up at me and I could instantly feel the energy between our eyes.

‘I’ll miss you.’ I admitted.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She joked with a small laugh.

‘I’ll still miss you.’

With that she nuzzled into me, her lips weaved past my hair and touched my neck; my arms wrapped around her. I held her for a few minutes, taking in as much of her as I could. We parted eventually, and I walked home alone.

My father wasn’t in, so I went straight to my bedroom and closed my door. I threw my bag down and shook my blazer off and climbed onto my bed.

Over the weekend, when I’d found the time I had returned to my hand. That warm, unknown feeling that had soared inside me on Friday evening had obliged me to discover more. On Saturday night, when I knew I was alone in the house, I rolled onto my front, letting my hand curve underneath me.

I had thought of Esti again as my hips stabbed the mattress beneath me, bringing the intensifying, satisfying feeling back. My lungs forced out quiet noises as the rolling pleasure rocked inside me. For a brief second, I imagined that my fingers were Esti’s and I suddenly descended into a suffocating flood of cold and hot, of ice and fire. Wave after wave of hard, dazzling pleasure crashed over me as I pushed my face into the pillow. Dry, hot air from my staggering mouth warmed me as an intense show of light played in my eyes. The deep vibrations speared every cell in my body until the waves calmed and the cool settled in, leaving me breathless, satisfied and relieved.

I didn’t understand it, but it was an addictive feeling. Over the weekend, I found myself falling back to it whenever I could, whenever I missed Esti or whenever I was frustrated and angry. And that’s why I was doing it again now; because I missed her again. I thought about our legs touching at lunch, and it didn’t take me very long to reach that blissful stage again.

 

That night I was making dinner for myself when my father stepped slowly into the kitchen. He had a strong aura of contemplation and quiet, so I didn’t speak because I knew he was working up to something in his head.

‘Ronit,’ he began, his croaky voice elongating my name.

‘Yes?’

‘Leviticus 19:18.’

I sighed and turned away from the pot of rice I’d been stirring. ‘I don’t know.’

‘You do, come now.’

I huffed and mumbled the words. ‘ _You shall neither take revenge from nor bear a grudge against… members of your people; you shall love your neighbour as yourself. I am the Lord._ ’

‘What does it mean?’

‘Dad, I don’t know, can I just-’

‘It is important Ronit.’

‘It means,’ I shrugged my shoulders. ‘It means it’s important to forgive each other, I guess. What have I done now?’

‘No, no, Ronit. I only ask because _you_ have been absolved. I spoke with Mr and Mrs Halper today. They have said they would like to let Esti stay again.’

‘Really?’

‘That is what they have said.’

‘Really?’ I asked, realising my voice was strained and higher. I had the urge to run to my father and hug him, but I didn’t. ‘So, she can stay on Friday?’

‘It would appear so.’

It took me several attempts, but I finally managed to utter the words, ‘Thank you.’ He didn’t say anything, he just nodded.

‘Have you made enough for three?’ He asked as he wandered to the back door.

‘Not really… maybe.’ I looked back to the pot, the smell of the baking lemon chicken fillets had mingled with the grainy scent of the boiling rice, making me impatiently ravenous. ‘Why?’

‘Your cousin is coming over.’

‘Dovid?’

‘Indeed. He is studying this evening, so you must be quiet.’

‘I will. I need to talk to him as well.’

‘That sounds very serious.’ My father chuckled then, it was a strange sound, one I didn’t hear very often.

‘It’s not really serious.’ I said.

‘Very well. Try and make dinner stretch.’ He said pointing to the oven, before leaving me alone in the kitchen.

By the time Dovid arrived, I’d already gone over what I would say to him several times; it didn’t take me long to conjure it all up. Initially I worried about sounding creepy and possessive but then I realised I didn’t care. Talking to Dovid was the only way I’d explain what I wanted, and if I didn’t explain what I wanted then I would never get it.

‘Hello Ronit.’ He said once he arrived an hour later. His voice was awkwardly breaking, cracking between a high pitch and a deeper tone.

‘Hi, how are you?’

He shrugged and put his backpack onto the table which I’d just finished laying. ‘Fine. I’m studying tonight, so I can’t be interrupt-’

‘Interrupted. I know, and I have to be quiet, I’ve already been told.’

He brought his hands together uncomfortably. ‘Sorry, I just- it’s what the Rav said.’

‘I know.’

‘Dinner smells nice.’

I didn’t look at him when I spoke next, I kept my eyes on the dishes in front of me. ‘Why did you hold hands with Esti the other day?’

He frowned curiously at me, his thick, black eyebrows knitted together, then his mouth curled up at the corners. ‘Did Esti tell you?’

‘No, someone else did.’ I was spooning rice onto our plates now, I knew my father would be down shortly, so I tried to speak quickly. ‘You shouldn’t make her hold your hand.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because she doesn’t like you like that. It’s unfair of you to-’

‘That’s not true.’ Dovid said harshly, his voice remained deep now. ‘She does like me.’

‘She doesn’t like you like that, and you asking her to hold your hand is basically like forcing her to do it. So, you shouldn’t do it.’

‘Why would she hold my hands if she didn’t want to?’ Dovid asked, I couldn’t help but laugh as I put the serving dish onto the table.

‘Because that’s what we have to do, Dovid. Don’t be dense.’

‘Well,’ I saw his Adam’s apple quiver past the fair patch of tufty hair on his chin. ‘I’ve heard that you and Esti hold hands.’

‘That’s different.’

‘How? Maybe you’re forcing her too.’

‘I’m really not.’ I said, thinking back to every time Esti had taken my hand in hers, each time she’d pulled it towards her, taken it and placed it on her hips, her waist, her stomach.

‘How do you know? Maybe she-’

‘It’s not the same. You’re a boy, it’s different.’

‘I think you’re-’

At that point my father entered the kitchen, and red-faced Dovid was forced to stop. He stood there, visibly upset and his shoulders slightly shaking. My father received the largest portion of dinner, and I got the smallest, but Dovid didn’t eat much, so I ate his leftovers before retreating to my bedroom.

I felt placated and proud. I felt like I’d rightly protected Esti, and that made my heart beat faster and my stomach leap. That night I thought of her a lot, but my bed was too squeaky to do anything with Dovid and my father in the house.

 

Knowing Esti was staying the night on Friday again made the week slug along; every school day seemed like a hundred years. She came to my house after school on the Wednesday and the Thursday and we instantly started to slip back into our old ways.

We listened to the radio and talked for hours and then we wouldn’t talk at all. When we were quiet, we would lie on my bed and stroke each other’s arms and hands with no desire to do anything else. I continued to kiss her head and her hair when she rested it on my chest. She would sometimes lean in and let her lips touch the soft skin under my ear whilst playing with my hair, which always made my skin prickly and hot.

On the Friday night we climbed into my bed, we were so close that I noticed she had a small crumb in the corner of her mouth. It was unapparent, indiscernible. I only saw it because of just how intently I was staring at her.

I let my fingers wipe it away lightly, her eyes widened and her back straightened as my thighs twinged when I felt how soft her lips were. I realised then, just how strongly I’d been fighting the desire to kiss her face. I didn’t even know where, whether I wanted to kiss her forehead, her closed eyelids, her nose, her cheeks, her lips. Perhaps I wanted to kiss all of her, and maybe I wanted her to kiss all of me. It was a strange emotion, a yearning but upsetting feeling. It felt like everything I’d ever wanted but simultaneously like everything I’d never be allowed.

‘I forgot to tell you that I spoke to Dovid on Monday.’ I said casually, if only to occupy my mouth in another way.

‘What about?’

‘About you, and holding your hand.’

‘What did you say?’ She’d pulled back somewhat, but I didn’t think anything of it.

‘I told him that he shouldn’t do it, because you don’t like him like that.’

She was thinking, I could see it in her flirting eyes and her creased brow. ‘He’s been acting strange all week.’ Her words sounded measured and thoughtful, as though I wasn’t intended to hear them.

‘I wouldn’t worry about him.’

‘Why did you do that?’ She’d edged onto her elbow; her eyes were locked with mine.

‘I thought it was what you wanted.’

‘You…’ she sniffed.

‘Do you mind? I’m sorry, I just thought-’

‘No, I- I’m really happy.’ Her pursed mouth slipped into a grin. ‘It’s nice.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes. You’re sweet.’

She had laid back down, our faces were close again and we were quiet. The radio crackled into a song; a messy guitar riff started it off and then a man sang some words that I didn’t pay attention to. The melody was pleasant though, it fell in time with the motion of my dizzy brain and my fast heart.

_Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again._

_Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again._

The song played for about a minute before I felt the urge again. I had been staring at her delicate, pink lips, unable to shake the thought of what it would be like to press my own against them. I felt her eyes on me, though her face seemed static and hesitant.

The throbbing sensation in my abdomen demanded to feel the touch of her; it was begging, pleading for me to lean in, so I did. I didn’t reach her, but I heard her breath rattle harshly before she wrenched herself away from me. She mumbled an apology, then she said something about needing the bathroom and hurried out of my room. I remained on my side stunned, though my heart was still racing, and my lips were still pursed.

When she came back she got into bed, but we didn’t speak about it.


	10. The Wedding

When I heard her breathing deepen and even, I waited a bit longer before turning to her. My face was still burning, my back teeth still chattering slightly even though I was boiling hot. Ronit’s room was dark but the moon was shining through the open window; I could make out the faint details of her face. Her mouth was open, and I could hear the smooth, gentle rumble of her lungs as she inhaled quietly through her nose. My eyes sought out the pale outline of her lips, the lips I’d run from.

I cursed myself.

When she’d leant in I knew what she had meant to do. I knew what she had wanted because I wanted the same thing. Everything we’d done had been leading up to it. Every time her lips touched my hair and every time mine touched her neck, every time we held hands, each embrace, each caress and each stroke. The urge was so strong it made me feel sick.

I had wanted to her kiss me, I said the words in my head until a clenching in my stomach made me stop. When she’d brushed my lips with her fingers, my stomach lurched as though trying to escape my body. I should have pulled her to me then. I should have held her waist and leant in myself, pressed my mouth against hers to feel her lips. A shiver juddered down my spine and I trembled, making Ronit murmur in her sleep.

Why had I run away from her? I asked myself.

I suppose I was afraid. Afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of taking the leap into something new in case she changed her mind. Everything was fine, I didn’t want that to change. But at the same time, I did. I wanted it to go further, I wanted more of her, but that in itself was terrifying.

The sound of her breathing kept bringing me back to her face. I wanted to touch her cheek, but I didn’t want to wake her. I swallowed away the dry taste of disappointment and shuffled closer, so that I could feel her warm, consistent breath on my chin. I pressed the cold tip of my nose against hers lightly, just for a second, before turning onto my side and nestling back under her arm.

 

I couldn’t concentrate at all the next morning; my eyes and chest were heavy with tiredness and frustration. Ronit and I didn’t speak much as we got ready and walked to the synagogue. A hot stab of sadness remained in my chest the entire morning, and I think Ronit was aware of it. I wanted to apologise again but I knew she’d scold me if I did that.

I woke up after her. She had been laying on her back staring at the ceiling, I don’t know how long for. Her big, brown eyes looked sad and shiny and it made me feel awful; I rested my head on her chest just to avoid looking at them.

‘I’m sorry.’ I muttered, allowing my thumb to circle the smooth skin of her stomach.

‘You don’t have anything to be sorry for.’

‘I do.’

‘No, you don’t.’

‘I’m just scared.’

Her words had been blunt and low up to that point, she exhaled and spoke softly. ‘I don’t want to make you scared.’

‘No, no, it’s not you- it’s not your fault.’ I shifted and put my whole hand on her. Talking that little amount didn’t make it any better, so soon we both got up and dressed.

I didn’t see my mother at the synagogue, which I had been expecting; she spent a lot of her time in bed these days. Shayna sat next to us, she kept whispering things to Ronit and giggling which made the tips of my ears burn. I saw Miss Stern a few rows behind us, I turned to look at her at one point and she smiled at me; I didn’t feel anything. Though I did feel a stir when Ronit’s fingers lightly stroked the back of my hand.

Towards the end of the service, the Rav mentioned something about a wedding that would be taking place after the service. I think he said it was between Michael Rosenfeld and Ilana Fishel, I didn’t imagine many people would attend the wedding; they weren’t the most popular people in the community. Michael ran the fishmongers and always smelled of putrid fish guts and Ilana was stony faced and never smiled.

‘Do you want to go to the park?’ I asked Ronit as the women began filing out of the gallery. It was what we would normally do, so I didn’t need to ask. I just wanted to speak to her.

‘I thought we could stay here.’ She whispered. ‘Watch Fishenfeld get married.’

‘Really?’

‘It might be funny.’ She shrugged and yawned. ‘It’s raining anyway.’

I nodded and looked over the edge of the pew; the Rav was preparing something on the main floor of the sanctuary while the majority of people left the synagogue so that the _kabbalat panim_ could begin. A hasty _mechitzah_ was drawn across the small section that was rarely reserved for the women in instances such as this.

Ronit and I were entirely alone on the balcony now. We’d earned a few odd looks from some of the women and girls as they passed us on their way out, but I didn’t care anymore; I was getting used to them. On her way out, I overheard Shayna ask Ronit if she was going to the park as well, almost as if she’d heard me. Ronit only shook her head at her. I felt guilty then, and sorrowful for Shayna, who left with her mother in a slump.

‘Look at Mr Rosenfeld.’ Ronit said with a playful, open-mouthed smile. ‘He’s trying to cover his whole bald spot with his _kippah_.’

I looked down and accidentally sniggered too loudly; Ronit quickly pulled me back, laughing herself.

‘Shh.’ She hushed me, still with a grin on her face.

‘Sorry, you- you made me laugh.’ I whispered, speaking into my sleeve to stop myself from making any more noises.

‘Does he think no one is going to notice that he’s bald?’ She asked, leaning closer to me.

‘Ronit, stop.’ I felt the mirth growing, as though I was going to burst out laughing at any minute.

‘Maybe he should get a bigger _kippah_.’ She said, knowing full well that she was forcing me to hold back. ‘One that covers his entire head, like a tea cosy.’

‘Ronit,’ I said her name and bit my bottom lip hard to calm myself. She always managed to do that to me. She knew exactly what to say to make me smile, to make me laugh. She was never too much or too little, it was always perfect.

‘He should take her name, really.’ She said after some time.

‘Why?’

‘Because then he could change the name of the shop to _Fishel’s Fishes_.’

I chuckled again, but I stopped almost immediately because she’d taken my hand in hers. She was looking at me, no longer smiling but staring at me urgently. My jaw tightened, and I tried to avoid her eyes but the power behind them dragged me back.

‘Your lips are really red.’ She whispered.

I went to hide them, to cover them. I must have bitten them too hard, and I hoped I wasn’t bleeding. I thought I might have to go and wash my face, but before I could think anymore, Ronit was there.

Her eyes were closed, that was all I could see. I felt her nose, lips, cheeks and chin all at once. Her hard mouth was shaking against mine as a blast of steel pleasure erupted in my neck, chest and stomach. I pinched my eyes closed and kept as still as I could, feeling my jaw quake.

She pulled back, her eyelids slowly opened. Her chest was heaving but she was exhaling noiselessly. Her lips moved as though she were speaking but I didn’t hear any words. She didn’t do that for long before she leaned in again, this time her mouth was softer. Her hand had unclasped from mine and it was now on my knee, her thumb stroking me as she kept her face firmly pressed against mine with her head slightly tilted. The sensation of her warm, wet lips and the taste of her minty breath made my chest swell until I felt my heart would burst out of my ribs.

I let out a small noise, which seemed to reverberate around the synagogue. We pulled back, both of us breathless and shaking. Ronit smiled timidly and I copied her, only because I didn’t know what else to do. It was good we had stopped, because at that point Mrs Reis, the elderly busybody of the community, suddenly appeared behind us. She looked surprised to see us there, but I could barely focus; her words were a fog in my pounding ears.

‘What are you two doing up here?’ Her voice was so croaky and low it could have been mistaken for an old, creaky door. ‘Watching the wedding? How sweet.’ She took a seat behind us, carrying the aroma of rotting meat with every word she spoke.

‘Hello Mrs Reis.’ Ronit said, and I was glad she did because there was no way I could have spoken at that point.

‘Young girls watching a wedding, so wonderful. That will be you one day, Ronit.’

‘I bloody well hope not.’ Ronit muttered under her breath, causing me to stifle another spasm of laughter. She turned to me then and asked if I wanted to leave, I nodded fervently. Though I couldn’t say the words, I hoped that in nodding enthusiastically I was conveying that I wanted more of her, that I wanted to continue what she’d started.

We walked towards the park hand in hand in the rain; they were both moist and clammy, and the rain dampened us further but neither of us seemed to care. She was holding me firmly, and I indulged in the strength of her fingers. We walked past several people running through the drizzle and Ronit tried to pull her hand away, but I kept hold of it. I knew she only did that for me, so again I hoped I was being clear with her, I hoped I was displaying just how serious I was about what had just happened.

When we reached the park, it was practically empty apart from some faraway figures walking their dogs, all of them making their way to leave because the rain was pouring now. We walked in a slow trance towards the tallest tree; the gnarled, white bark of it twisted up to the crooked, bare branches above us.

She rested her back against the trunk, her hand fell away. ‘I’m sorry if that scared you.’ Her words were serene and calming, I shook my head making the wet ends of my hair flick.

‘It didn’t scare me.’

‘I just… I really wanted it.’

‘I wanted it too.’

‘Do you still want it?’ She asked me with genuine inquisitiveness, which made me feel as though I hadn’t shown her enough that I truly did.

I could have answered her plainly, with words. I could have said ‘yes I still do’, or ‘yes, I’ve always wanted it’ but I didn’t say anything. Instead, I took a step towards her; my hand cupped her chin, my thumb lightly stroked her cheek and I closed my eyes. Our lips touched again as the rain beat down on us.

The park melted away. I could only hear the sound of the heavy sleet slapping the dead leaves on the ground. I felt the rain soaking into the fabric of my clothes, making me shiver. I was filled with the smell of the earthy, wet grass and Ronit’s sweet breath as her puckered lips opened; the warmth of her mouth sent a craving to where my thighs met.

‘Your teeth are chattering.’ She said, as I stroked her dripping hair away from her face.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ I whimpered into her mouth, wanting to keep this moment, wanting to live it forever. I never wanted to let it go.

‘Let’s go to mine.’

‘Hold on,’ I said before I kissed her again. Her hands were on my waist and she pulled me into her, letting out a quiet moan as I pressed against her.

I didn’t understand it; what I was feeling and why it intensified when our hungry mouths met, but it was an urgent notion. A craving so deep and desperate I couldn’t imagine how I’d survived without it before now. I knew it was stupid, but her lips were the only thing that made sense to me.

Finally, we managed to pull ourselves away from the tree, from the park and from each other. We made it to Ronit’s house, both soaked through and freezing; so much so that our arms and legs steamed when we took off our jumpers and tights.

Ronit got us towels and we attempted to dry our damp skin and hair, though we couldn’t go very long before the new, aching need for each other demanded that we press our bodies together. I gave up trying to dry my hair, as did she. We fell onto her bed and she rolled on top of me.

Our mouths were clumsy at first, but then they fell into a synchronised drift. She moved above me with long, lingering kisses of my lips and quick pecks of my chin and jaw; all the while my hands explored the soft, cool skin on her back. When she opened her mouth, and her tongue touched mine I yanked her towards me and we both groaned loudly into the sanctuary of her empty house. Our teeth clashed several times, but it didn’t bother me, nothing was bothering me. I finally felt something release inside me, something unclenching.

‘I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long, Esti.’ Ronit whispered directly into my ear, sending a hot tickle down my neck.

‘I’ve wanted it too.’ I managed to say through my dry, chapped lips. ‘I didn’t know I wanted it this much.’

‘It’s all I’ve been thinking about. All the time.’ She was kissing my neck now and a longing burn filled my thighs and stomach, so I pulled her face back to mine because the feeling was too strong, too concentrated.

‘Have you kissed anyone else before?’ I asked her, enjoying the warm weight of her on top of me.

‘No. Have you?’

‘No.’

‘Do you like it?’

I didn’t know how to answer, so I simply held her face and nodded. I opened my mouth and so did she; our lips moved so organically at that point that we didn’t have to think about what to do with them. For a while all that could be heard was the soft sound of overdue kisses and quiet moans mingling with the consistent tapping of rain on Ronit’s window.

I heard the front door open and Ronit propped herself up.

‘He’s not supposed to be home yet.’ She whispered, her arms still either side of me and her lips were bright red.

‘Ronit?’ I heard a voice followed by fast footsteps on the staircase, it wasn’t the Rav.

‘Shit, it’s Dovid.’ Ronit leapt up and pulled her soggy jumper on, while I sat up and pulled the hem of my skirt down which had rolled up my thighs. We’d barely regained our breath by the time Dovid knocked and entered Ronit’s room.

‘Hi. Hello Esti.’ He smiled at me, then looked curiously to Ronit, whose tousled hair was framing her flushed face.

‘Dovid, what’re you doing here?’ Ronit asked, with her hands on her hips.

He shrugged and scratched his ear. ‘Mr Halper said Esti might be here, and I had some time because the Rav is busy – I thought we could all do something.’

‘Well, I’m busy too.’ Ronit said, and I knew immediately that she was in one of those moods and I shifted nervously. She would find herself in this state where she wouldn’t think, and words would tumble carelessly from her mouth.

‘It’s just you two.’ Dovid said, a curious frown lowering.

‘We’re busy.’ She stated.

Dovid scoffed. ‘Well, can I stay?’

‘Dovid, we’re busy.’ The words sounded foreign, but they were definitely mine. I knew because both Dovid and Ronit looked at me. ‘We’re doing girl things, you wouldn’t enjoy it.’

He looked surprised that I’d spoken, and slightly hurt but I didn’t care. I wanted Ronit back on top of me. ‘Fine.’ He said. ‘Maybe tomorrow then, we can go to the park, if it stops raining.’

‘Maybe.’ Ronit said.

Dovid turned on his heel, slammed the door roughly behind him and left, almost as quickly as he’d arrived. I felt a pang of guilt settle into my stomach momentarily before Ronit sprung on me again.

She was confident, and her mouth was feverish. One of her hands pushed under my t-shirt. She’d told me that she’d wanted this but now I could really feel the truth in that. The insistence of her lips, and the determination of her entire body forced me to contend with her energy. I sat up slightly so that she was kneeling above me. She cradled my face as I continued to kiss her; I moved my hand to the centre of her chest, where I could feel her racing heart.

It was then I realised, when our kisses slowed and I felt our hearts fall into a steady, harmonious rhythm, that this was special. That Ronit made me feel something profound and important, that she made me feel safe, that she felt like home.


	11. The Altercation

I couldn’t let Esti go that Saturday evening. We’d spent four or five hours in my bed and I could have spent several more doing the same thing. Rolling on top of one another, our mouths locked together and our nervous hands running over arms, backs and chests. It was starved; we couldn’t go a second without touching. Even when I had been desperate for the toilet I remained underneath Esti for too long, holding her face against mine; after a while the need became oddly pleasurable, especially when her knee caught me in between my legs.

We split apart when we needed to glug water, but that was it. We spoke intermittently, but I can’t remember about what. All I remember was the sensation of her open mouth, her lively, excited tongue and her expectant lips.

Kissing her in the synagogue made so much sense to me that I hadn’t questioned the desire. Her red lips, smiling, spreading over her white teeth; it was intoxicating, and I knew I needed them. Sometimes I felt like I wanted them elsewhere on me, but at that time I knew I wanted them on my lips.

When she’d remained stiff and her lips hadn’t moved, I panicked.

I remembered thinking I’d ruined it all, that I’d scared her, all because of my stupid, reckless impulses that were growing harder and harder to control around her.

Though when she kissed me in the park, when her chest was against mine and I’d stumbled back into the hard, jagged tree trunk, I floated above myself. The way she kissed me, I felt the earnest truth in it. I felt the intensity of our emotions crackle and rumble like a storm in between us, as though the proximity of her heart to my own had caused a spark.

‘I have to go.’ Esti said, breathing each word. I noticed the crest of the moon faraway in the cloudy, purple sky.

‘Please stay.’ I begged, knowing I was making it worse.

‘The Rav will be home soon.’ She sat up and pulled her skirt down, then she looked at me and I caught sight of her neck. I’d left a faint red mark just under her chin; I didn’t mention it. ‘My dinner will be ready soon.’

‘Can you come back? Or I can come to you?’

‘Ronit, we can’t.’

‘Why not?’ I was stroking the bottom of her spine, firmly and with intent.

‘Because,’ she paused and laid back down, facing me. Her lips were bright red and almost raw looking; she licked them before she spoke again. ‘It might look strange. If we do that.’

‘People already think we’re strange.’

That made her laugh, but I didn’t want her to laugh, I wanted her to stay. She leant in and kissed me lightly, my eyes naturally closed, and I sighed without meaning to.

‘I’ll walk you home then.’ I suggested, when she’d pulled away from me and sat up.

‘That would be nice.’ She said with a grin.

As always, we walked holding hands. The rain had long stopped but it had left behind the satisfying smell of wet grass and pavement lingering in the air. The streets were oddly deserted, and I didn’t know why but it made me happy. For a few minutes I felt as though Esti and I were grown-ups. I imagined we were older, that we were holding hands on our way back to our own home, on our way to our own bed, where we would go to sleep every night kissing and wake up every morning entwined. I imagined we lived somewhere else, obviously. Somewhere far away from my father and further away from her mother. I thought that her father could visit us, and we’d make him dinner but there would be no _challah_ , no blessings and no candles.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Esti asked, stroking me with her thumb.

‘Nothing.’ I replied quickly. ‘Mr Rosenfeld’s bald spot.’

She chuckled. ‘You’re ridiculous.’

‘I know.’ I agreed and squeezed her hand.

When we reached the top of her road she stopped. ‘I want to kiss you again,’ she whispered. ‘But I’m scared to do it outside.’

‘We don’t have to kiss-’

‘No, I want to. Come here.’ She pulled me towards a tall hedgerow that lined the last house on the street. We followed the bushes around until we reached a gap in between the front gardens. It was dark, the streetlight was flickering yellow flashes of light, but we were submerged in blackness.

I didn’t have time to speak before she’d pressed herself against me. She was on tiptoes, leaning up to kiss me and I immediately embraced her and kissed her back. The night was so quiet, I could only hear the smacking sound of our mouths. It was different kissing outside. The cold mixing with the warmth of her made my skin tingle and pumped an intense yearning inside me.

I don’t know how long we kissed for before she decided she absolutely had to go. She told me not to walk her to her door, but to go home and get warm, that she worried about me never wearing the right clothes for the icy weather. I squeezed her hand one more time before she left me. I watched her walk halfway down the road, she turned once she’d reached her drive. I waved at her and she waved back, I think she was smiling though I couldn’t tell.

I ran home to keep warm, Esti was right; I should have worn a coat. As soon as I got in, I checked that my father wasn’t home and upon seeing he wasn’t, darted straight to the telephone and dialled a number I knew by heart.

‘Hello?’ A small voice answered.

‘I miss you already.’ I said, toying with the curly cord in my thumb and finger. I heard her lightly giggle down the phone, the sound brought me such joy I had to close my eyes.

‘I miss you too.’ She whispered incredibly quietly.

‘Can I see you tomorrow?’

‘Yes.’

I waited a little longer, hoping I would hear her breathe but she was silent. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow then.’

‘I’ll come to you.’

‘I can’t wait. Goodnight.’

‘Goodnight, Ronit.’

She hung up before I did, her parents were probably hovering close-by. Eventually I put the phone down and hobbled up the stairs to my empty bedroom. I sighed when I opened the door. It seemed gloomier without Esti in it.

I slumped directly onto the bed, which thrusted the aroma of Esti into the air. I groaned and turned onto my stomach, knowing exactly what I would do. I could smell her all over my pillows and my duvet; her hair, her neck, her skin. I could barely take a breath without catching her, so I inhaled deeply, taking her inside of me. I crumpled up the sheets beneath me and raised my hips over it. I kept my hand there and started to grind gently, making my bed squeak with each regular movement.

The intensity was stronger; each jerk of my hips caused a rich, thick pleasure to hurtle through my body. With my face planted into the pillow, my hand between my legs and using the scent of Esti to get me to that state again, I toppled into a stupor. It was so strong this time that I had to bite the pillow my face was buried in, just to stop myself from crying out. Images of Esti’s eyes and lips fluttered in front of me as the indulgent bliss bowled and tumbled inside me again.

By the time it ended, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep immediately, with my hands still between my legs.

 

I woke up the next day with sore lips and an empty stomach. Despite that, my first thought was still of Esti. I checked the time and wondered if she’d be awake now. I could call her, but she told me not to do that anymore because her mother hated the sound of the phone thrumming in the early morning.

I didn’t hear my father come home last night but I heard him now, pottering around in his study. He would be in all day today, studying and coughing, calling for me to make endless pots of tea, to make his sandwiches and to make his dinner. If he had guests at any point, I’d be expected to make them refreshments too. I didn’t want to do any of that today. I wanted to take Esti to the deli and eat warm pastrami sandwiches with her, and then I wanted to go to the park where we could sit under the heat lamp and watch our breath swirl around us as we talked and stroked each other’s legs and hands. Then perhaps we could sneak back to my house when it got too cold, we could go to my bedroom undetected by my father, and we could kiss again if she wanted.

After devouring three slices of jam on toast, I made my way to his study. After a few timid knocks, he called me in.

‘Good morning.’ He said, not looking up from the book he was reading.

‘Good morning.’

He cleared his throat. ‘Mrs Reis told me you and Esti stayed for the wedding yesterday.’

A flush crept onto my neck. ‘Not for all of it.’

‘It is unlike you to stay in the synagogue for a minute longer than necessary.’ Each word was pierced with scorn, I’d caught him in one of his moods.

‘It was raining.’ I said, my voice edging closer to insolence.

He scoffed. ‘So you were using our sacred house of worship as an umbrella?’

My back teeth clenched as the walls of defence instantly rose around me; why did he always have to escalate everything? Why did he turn every interaction into a fight? ‘I was also fascinated.’ I said through tight lips, already wishing I’d just turned around and left.

‘Why were you fascinated?’ He asked with a sardonic tone, he still hadn’t looked up.

‘I just couldn’t believe that anyone would actually marry Fish Guts Rosenfeld.’

‘Ronit!’ He was looking up now, his eyes flooded with anger even though he had made me say it. He’d pushed me, he was always pushing me. ‘I’ve had enough of your impertinence. You have turned into such an angry, ungrateful young wom-’

‘I only came in here to tell you I’m going out-’ I said, starting to shake.

‘You’re interrupting again! Your impuden-’

‘And I’m not going to be here to make your tea and your lunch and your dinner like mum always di-’ I heard my voice raising.

‘You are not allowed out!’ He slammed his hand down on his desk, making the room vibrate.

‘You’re the worst dad in the world!’ I shouted over him, creating a cavern of silence in his office.

‘You are _not_ to leave this house today, Ronit.’

‘I hate you.’ My voice lowered and my chest had sunk in.

‘Get out. Spend the day in your room and think about everything that’s wrong with you. Everything that makes you this way.’

‘You make me this way!’ I said before slamming the door behind me; I didn’t go to my bedroom. I went straight to the door and ran, forgetting my coat again, to Esti’s. I knew I’d have to be quick before my father realised and had a chance to call the Halpers.

When I reached their faded, peeling wooden door, I knocked hastily; my fist wrapping against the splintering wood. I hopped from one foot to the other while I waited. I forgot how old and slow Esti’s parents were.

Finally, I heard the latch drop and Mr Halper, dressed in his usual woollen sweater and corduroy trousers, answered.

‘Ronit,’ he said with a slight smile. ‘I didn’t know you were such an early bird.’

‘Is Esti here, Mr Halper?’

‘I have heard some noises from her room.’ He stood to the side. ‘Would you like to come in?’

‘Actually, I was wondering if Esti might like to come outside?’ I sounded like I was panting.

‘Well, I’m sure she would. Her mother is sleeping, so I’ll just go upstairs and ask her.’

‘Thank you, Mr Halper.’

‘You can call me Josef, Ronit.’ I’m sure he winked then, but I couldn’t be sure. He was always so friendly that sometimes I questioned it, not understanding why he would be so kind to me. He turned and went inside his house that smelled of fusty books and smoke and I heard the stairs creak as he slowly ascended. I was still hopping around, anticipating that the phone would ring, and my father would ruin this day even more so.

‘Ronit?’ I heard Esti and it dragged me away from worrying. She was alone, and soon I smelled fresh smoke wafting through meaning Mr Halper had gone for a cigarette. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Do you want to go out? I had a fight with the Rav. I want to go and do something.’

‘You’re not wearing a coat again.’ She said, twisting her mouth up.

‘I can borrow one of yours.’ I suggested. ‘Just hurry, I don’t want my father to call.’

‘Do you think he will?’

‘I don’t know. Just, hurry, please.’

She gave a nod and ran back into the house. I heard her speak to her father and she came back with two coats and a ten-pound note in her hand.

‘My father gave me some money,’ she said quietly as we left the house. ‘Do you want breakfast?’

I thought back to the three slices of toast and shook my head as I put her coat on, a thick black fleece that smelled intoxicatingly of her. ‘Are you hungry though? We can go to the deli.’

‘I’m really hungry.’ She said, taking my hand as soon as she’d got her arms through the sleeves of her own coat.

‘We can go there then.’ I said, feeling calmer the further we got away from Esti’s house. I felt like that more and more; peaceful and serene when it was just Esti and I, away from our homes, away from our parents and away from school and the synagogue. I started to fantasise again that we were older and away from all of this, on our way to a café for breakfast.

‘Why did you and the Rav fight?’ Esti asked, pulling me from the daydream.

‘It’s… he’s always so horrid to me.’

‘What did he say?’

‘He’s just…’ I tried to think back to the fight, but Esti’s hand squeezing mine distracted me. ‘He just always says things that make me angry.’

‘Like what?’

‘He found out we stayed for the wedding, because of bigmouth Mrs Reis. And he got annoyed at me.’

‘Was he annoyed at me?’ She asked immediately, sounding worried.

‘No, just me. It’s always me.’

She waited a moment before speaking. ‘Why do you fight with him?’

‘Because I have to.’ We were rounding the corner to the main road now; the deli wasn’t far away, and I realised I hadn’t kissed Esti yet and I wanted to do that before we were within the sights of anyone else.

‘Why do you have to?’

‘Because I’m not like you, Esti. I can’t just let someone say something horrible and leave it hanging there. I’ve seen your mum say horrible things to you, and you just sit there quietly but I’m full of things to say every time. I just can’t do it.’

‘But you don’t say anything to my mother.’

‘No, but it takes a lot of effort not to. It feels like… like I’m bubbling over.’

‘I just don’t want you to fight with him, if it means we can’t see each other.’

I paused then. She was right. Our parents had already proved that they entirely controlled the time we spent together. If I kept fighting with my father, I’d be banned from sleepovers again, banned from having Esti visit.

‘I’ll try and not fight anymore.’ I said sullenly.

‘When I feel like talking back, I write down what I want to say.’

I scoffed at that, I shouldn’t have.

‘Don’t laugh.’ Esti pulled her hand away defensively, I tried to get it back.

‘I wasn’t laughing at- I was just- I don’t know. He makes me so angry; I don’t think writing would help. I just… I want to run away sometimes.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I do though.’ I said, turning my head to look at her. Her purple lips were twisted again, her cheeks and the tip of her nose were bright red with cold. ‘Do you want to kiss again?’

She nodded stiffly and gazed around us. ‘There’s the alley, by the laundrette.’

‘That’s risky.’ I said. ‘Mr Acker always washes his underpants on Sunday mornings.’

Esti laughed and held my hand again. ‘How do you know that?’

‘I heard my father and Mr Roth talking about it.’

‘That’s gross.’ She sniggered some more.

When we reached the alleyway, it was deserted. Mr Acker and his underpants were nowhere to be seen. We walked a little while down and concealed ourselves behind one of the large bins. Esti’s face was so cold that I winced when her lips touched me. I held her face so that I could warm her, even though my hands were just as cold. Our mouths were hot, and the sticky air rising from them twirled in between us, steaming our faces. Kissing her felt fresher today; her eager tongue still felt new in my mouth and her trembling, wet lips were enticing, though it made the tenderness of my own lips more noticeable.

Her chest was pressed against mine as we kissed, each tilt of our heads and soft clashing of our chattering teeth and cold noses forced the desire inside me to pull her closer, to lower my hands, to feel her entire body on mine. Somewhere close by a door slammed shut and we sprung apart, out of breath.

‘Are you still hungry?’ I asked her, wiping my mouth.

‘Not really.’ She replied, looking at my face, then her eyes lowered a fraction to my chest and she quickly turned her head away from me.

‘You should eat something.’ I said, still breathing hard.

‘I want to keep doing this. But we can’t go to my house.’

‘We can go to the park, where the heat lamps are.’ I offered, taking her hand again.

I saw her considering it. ‘It’s quite public.’

‘There’ll be no one there now.’ I said. ‘It’s too cold, and it’s still early.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Fairly sure.’ I nodded, wanting to seem confident because I wanted to stay with her, I wanted to keep kissing her.

‘Okay, let’s go there.’ She smiled at me and we walked through the alley towards Mornington. I had been right, there was nobody around. I spotted the tall, white tree where Esti had kissed me and a warmth clung to my freezing skin. We headed towards the park benches, which were huddled together under a wooden canopy, we took a seat and I pressed the button for the lamp to come on.

The red lines instantly ignited and pumped its artificial heat onto me and Esti, we were huddled together, shivering until the throbbing, synthetic warmth settled over us.

‘I hope the Rav isn’t too angry.’ Esti said, stroking my thigh and making me lightheaded.

‘I’m sure it’ll be fine. We always fight.’

‘I just want to keep doing this.’ Her words were quiet. I leaned into her. Her hair tickled my face and mine fell forward as her slow tongue played with mine. That pulse came back to me, the one I always felt in my pelvis before I touched myself. A part of me wanted to tell Esti about that, about what I did. I wanted to ask if she did the same thing in her own bed, but I thought there might be something wrong with that. That she might find it strange or something too private to divulge.

Just as our kisses deepened, I felt her hand push up my thigh. It was unexpected, and I gasped.

‘Sorry.’ She said, her lips brushing mine as she spoke.

‘No, no it’s-’

Then we both heard a noise behind us and our heads snapped to the source of the clatter. Keren was stood there staring at us, her mouth open, her face distorted with disgust. I felt Esti cower, but I didn’t feel a thing as I glowered back at Keren.

‘You two were-’ She started speaking but was swiftly interrupted.

‘Keren? Keren?’ Keren’s mother had appeared, holding a lead and pulling two Beagles along the path with her. ‘Why did you run ahe-’ But she stopped talking then and looked in the direction Keren was facing; she saw me and Esti, sitting closely on the bench. ‘Oh, hello Esti. Ronit.’ She spoke my name with contempt.

‘Hello Mrs Ronson.’ Esti said, I heard her voice shake.

‘Should you not be at home, Esti? I heard your mother was poorly again.’

‘She was sleeping in this morning.’

‘Still, you shouldn’t be out in this weather.’

Esti didn’t say anything then. She was embarrassed, I could tell just from the way her body had arched, the way her legs had turned away from me entirely. I struggled with it, but I couldn’t help feeling upset. I knew she would be in a mood all day now.

‘I’ll go home now, Mrs Ronson.’ She said, nodding.

‘There’s a girl.’ Keren’s mother looked at me then; she didn’t say anything, but her lip snarled, and then she walked on. ‘Come along Keren.’ She commanded, but Keren didn’t move immediately. She remained there, repulsion still painted on her face. Her eyes were malevolent, and they remained on Esti and me for a while, speaking to us, as if to tell us that she knew what we had been doing. And that she was going to tell everyone.


	12. The Feelings

Once Keren eventually left, Ronit and I sat in silence for a moment.

‘Esti,’ Ronit spoke softly, and touched my hand. ‘You’re not worrying, are you?’

‘Keren saw us.’ I stuttered. I don’t think I believed it because the idea was ridiculous. Ronit and I hadn’t talked about all of this being a secret, it was just unspoken between us. Something both of us understood. Keren, Bina and Hinda had already witnessed Ronit trying to kiss me, but now Keren had seen it properly, and it was all still so new I didn’t want it to be taken away. A shot of panic injected into my lungs and I took a short shaky breath that made me feel even more breathless.  

‘Don’t worry about it.’ She started to pet me. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘What if she tells everyone?’

‘Who’s going to believe her? She’s stupid and she _always_ lies. Do you remember when she told everyone she found fairies at the end of her garden?’ Ronit scoffed as she turned the lamp back on, throwing a fresh wave of warmth onto us. ‘Who cares anyway? Even if she does tell?’

‘But won’t we get into trouble?’

‘You always worry about getting into trouble. Honestly,’ Ronit hands moved from my shoulders to my arms and to my legs, as though she were trying to comfort me everywhere. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’

‘That we won’t be allowed to see each other anymore.’ I replied, very quickly.

‘They can’t keep us apart forever, Esti.’ She replied just as fast. It was as though the words had been suspended in our heads for a while, waiting for their moment of freedom.

‘No, that’s… true.’ I conceded.

‘I’ll always find you, even if they lock you up in a tower.’

I didn’t reply, she was joking so I feigned a laugh. My panic started to settle and smooth, I don’t know why; maybe it was the cold, maybe it was Ronit’s voice.

‘Don’t worry about dumb Keren.’ Ronit said. I felt her cold fingers push through my hair and stroke my neck. ‘Do you want to try and sneak back into mine? Or, are you actually going home?’

‘No, I’m not going home. It’s pointless, my mother always shouts at me when I bother her anyway.’ I turned to Ronit, her eyes looked bigger and darker. ‘Let’s go to yours.’

Ronit nodded and guided me along the path. With the strength of her hand she reassured me, I knew she was holding it firmly on purpose, and I could see the determined stoicism in her face. I admired her so much more then, I appreciated her, and I felt strangely like I entirely depended on her.

‘How do you not worry?’ I asked her once we’d left the park. ‘About things?’

‘I just don’t think about it.’

‘But how?’

She shrugged and wet her lips. ‘I don’t know, I just never have.’ She shivered and shook her other arm, so the sleeve covered her hand. ‘I just suppose you don’t think about the consequences.’

‘But there are always consequences.’

‘You sound so much like your mother.’

‘But she’s right… isn’t she?’

‘There are always consequences, but you don’t have to worry about them. Not until you know what they are.’

I thought about it, I let the words sink into my brain. ‘That makes sense.’ I muttered.

‘Chances are you’re worrying about something that’s not going to happen. So by the time a different consequence comes up, you’ve already worked out how to deal with a problem that never existed.’

I waited again, taking in what she was saying. ‘You’re smarter than the teachers say you are.’ I said eventually. She snorted and squeezed my hand.

‘I’m not smart.’ She scoffed. ‘But I still don’t care what the teachers say.’

‘I know you don’t.’

‘I don’t care what anyone says, except for you.’

We were nearing Ronit’s road now, pacing closer and closer to her bedroom, each step carrying me to her lips again. ‘Will you teach me to not worry? And to be brave like you?’

‘You mean teach you how to be stupid?’

‘Yes, I’d like that.’

‘Okay.’ She sniffed and started laughing. ‘If I teach you like Miss Stern,’ she was smirking now. ‘Will you fancy me as well?’

My entire face burned red, I could feel myself glowing. ‘Wh- I don’t know- what do you mean?’

‘Oh, come on, it’s _so_ obvious.’

‘I don’t- I don’t fancy Miss Stern.’ I shot the words out in a quiet murmur, in case they somehow carried along the quiet road and fell onto someone else’s ears. ‘I don’t.’

‘You do. It’s okay, I used to like Mrs Rubin. I saw her without her _sheitel_ once and she had really pretty hai-’

‘I don’t fancy Miss Stern, Ronit. Not- not anymore.’

‘It’s okay, Esti. I won’t tell-’

‘No, I mean I used to- I used to like her, but I don’t anymore. I like- I like someone else.’

‘Oh.’ She said shortly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Well… isn’t it obvious?’ I couldn’t help but give a small laugh.

She shook her head, and for some reason her eyes looked confused. I frowned at her. ‘It’s you, Ronit. I… like you.’

‘Do you?’

‘Of course I do. What- why do you think I kissed you?’

‘I don’t know. I just thought… maybe you thought it was just fun. I didn’t know you liked me.’

‘But… don’t you like me?’

She nodded briskly. We were so close to her house now, I could almost smell her father’s cigar smoke. ‘I like you a lot.’

‘After all this time, you didn’t think that I- I liked you back?’

‘I didn’t want to ask, in case you didn’t.’

‘That’s…’

‘Stupid?’ She said, her eyes glistening playfully.

‘No, not stupid.’

‘It is.’ She said, pulling around the back of the house. We were in her garden now, she was opening the door incredibly slowly and quietly. ‘I don’t think he’s even realised I’m not here.’ She said sadly, as we crept up the staircase. My heart was thudding so loudly in my chest, I would have been surprised if the Rav couldn’t hear it from his study.

‘It’s funny that you like me.’ Ronit whispered once she’d closed her bedroom door.

‘Is it?’

She nodded and pulled my coat off, she hung it up gently. ‘It’s funny because I still thought you fancied Dovid.’

I couldn’t help but burst out laughing when she said that. I perched on the side of her bed and giggled into my hands. ‘I don’t- I don’t fancy Dovid… at all. I never have.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

She was smiling, so broadly that I could see her teeth just behind her bright red lips. I stopped laughing and stared up at her, my face must have given me away because she came and sat next to me then. She tilted her head, leant in slowly and our lips touched again, and I knew I would never tire of it. She was so soft, everything about her was so soft and warm, despite the cold. I wanted to pull her closer to me, but before I could think about doing anything, she’d pushed me onto my back.

My legs were still hanging over the mattress, and her hand was creeping under my shirt. We naturally shifted further into the centre of the bed until the back of my head sunk into Ronit’s pillows. She continued to kiss me as she pulled at my clothes. I got the feeling that she wanted to take my shirt off; I wanted that off too, as well as wanting hers off. I wanted the skin of our chests and stomach to press together. I couldn’t find it in me to do it. I pulled my tights off instead.

Her tongue deepened, her hands were all over me, and her clothed leg lifted over my bare one. She was making small noises with every gasping breath. I felt the excitement charging through her, with every graze and brush of my stomach, chest and neck. When she brought her leg further up, a deep, sensual warmth formed in my pelvis and throbbed its way further down. I squeezed my eyes together and with both hands, I seized her to me.

Our bodies began moving as one, our thighs and our hips worked together, making the bed squeak. The raw energy sizzled and whirred until both of our faces were clammy and red. At one point she slowed and pulled away, she took in my entire face.

‘You’re really beautiful, Esti.’ She said while her hand rested on my chest.

I searched for the right words to say back, I wondered what would sound right, what Ronit would want to hear. ‘Kiss me please.’ It was all I could muster, my mouth made the sounds, but my mind was elsewhere, my body was enjoying the touch of her too much to say anything more.

She laughed quickly, and I felt her sweet breath tickle me before our mouths were locked again. I was already becoming so used to the way her lips and tongue moved that I started moving my own to match her, to complement her. The lower halves of our bodies started to move together again, Ronit’s hips reared above me and I felt the warmth between her legs on my thigh. She let out a long, quiet groan which made my entire body convulse.

A loud, spluttering cough made us both freeze, though Ronit kept her mouth on mine. The Rav’s choking fit grew louder as he stepped into the hallway, but it quicky faded again as we heard his heavy, lumbering steps descend the staircase.

‘I hope he goes out.’ Ronit whispered.

‘Me too.’ I panted back. ‘Do you think he will?’

‘I don’t know. Do you,’ she paused. ‘Do you mind me doing this?’

‘No, no.’ I shook my head. ‘I like it.’ My hands flexed then, scrunching the material of her cardigan. Somewhere downstairs the door slammed shut and I heard the Rav’s footsteps crunching along the gravel outside. Ronit immediately stood up and took off her jeans.

I had to gulp away a strange, fizzy lump in my throat and blink away a rumble of dizziness before she climbed on top of me, positioning her legs on my thigh again. I felt her press gently against me; her movements, which had been slow before grew rapid and frantic. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew whatever it was she was enjoying it, and she seemed to know what she was doing. I noticed her eyes flickering and her breath accelerating against my lips, my jaw and my neck.

With her father now clearly gone from the house she thrusted fearlessly, causing the springs of her bedframe to creak. A croaky, urgent noise formed in the back of her throat as the pressure of her hips hardened. We weren’t kissing anymore; her face was buried in my hair and she was gasping for air as her body quaked on top of mine.

I still wasn’t sure what was happening, but I wanted her to carry on. Whatever she was feeling, I was starting to feel it too. The area between my legs hadn’t stopped throbbing since the cool skin of her legs had touched mine. Suddenly Ronit stopped moving. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed her fists gripping the material we were laying on, and she very quickly went limp as the desperate croak in the back of her throat became a long, raspy sigh.

She stayed on top of me for a little while after that, I was trying to control my breathing and I think she must have been doing the same.

‘Have you ever done that?’ She asked me, with her head resting on my chest.

‘What you just did?’

‘Mm.’

‘No.’

‘You should. You should try it.’

‘I might.’ I pinched my tongue in between my front teeth. ‘I do really like just kissing you though.’

‘Me too. But it feels better than kissing.’

‘Does it?’

‘Yes, it’s… it’s more intense. It feels like your whole body is being electrocuted, but in a nice way.’

‘That sounds horrible.’

‘No,’ she laughed and leaned up so that she was looking at me. Her chocolate eyes looked soft and happy, that made me feel lighter. ‘It’s not horrible, honestly, it’s really nice.’

‘I just like kissing you, Ronit.’ I said, an annoying spiral of nerves had formed in my stomach. ‘Can we kiss again?’

‘Don’t your lips hurt?’ She said, frowning almost. I looked at her mouth then, her lips did look quite puckered and sore.

‘No, they don’t. We can kiss softer, or… I could kiss you in other places. If your lips hurt.’ I suggested.

‘Like where?’

‘Your neck.’ I said too quickly. ‘Or… I don’t know.’

‘No, you can do that.’

The entire conversation had made my temperature rise, I could feel how hot and red my skin was. Ronit rolled off of me and onto her back, giving me the opportunity to get on top of her. I couldn’t help but lightly peck her lips before I moved to her neck. I brushed my mouth along her jaw, she offered a soft groan and I lowered my face to just under her ear. I loved her neck; apart from her eyes, I think it was my favourite part of her. I loved how it smelled like fresh air and trees and sometimes wood smoke, I loved how it felt like home, I loved how it made me feel safe, protected and happy.

I let my teeth nibble her skin gently, before I started to kiss her neck exactly how I would kiss her mouth. Her body contracted, and she brought her arms around me, stroking my back and sighing with each flick of my tongue.

I did that for a long time. I felt a rich, intoxicating surge of emotion build up inside me; I pushed it down. It was a scary, overwhelming feeling that kept coming back and I stopped quickly when I felt it mount. I felt sick. I snapped back, Ronit’s neck was wet and red and begging for me to continue but I couldn’t endure the excruciating tension that had unexpectedly swelled in my lower abdomen.

‘I think I should go and see my mother.’ I mumbled. I’d pulled away too abruptly, and Ronit immediately noticed.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ I lied, trying to ignore the painful tightness I felt in the entire lower half of my body. ‘I just should go and see her. I’ve been out a long time.’

‘But your fa- Josef’s there, isn’t he?’

‘Wh- why did you call him Josef?’

‘Because he told me to, earlier.’

‘It sounds funny.’

‘It sounds grown up, doesn’t it?’ She said with a smirk.

I nodded and stood up, feeling as though I needed the bathroom even though I knew I didn’t. I pulled my tights back on slowly while Ronit continued to ask me what was wrong and if she’d done anything to upset me. I reassured her continuously. I couldn’t tell her that I had to leave because kissing her had suddenly made me feel unwell and I didn’t know why.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow at school.’ I said. ‘Or I’ll try and sneak out and wait for you at the top of the road again.’

‘Can’t you come back later?’

‘Maybe. I’ll… call you.’

‘I still think you should stay.’ Ronit said. ‘You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?’

I nodded again, though I didn’t meet her eyes. I left before her confusion made me feel guilty. She offered to walk me home, but I refused her and then I left. I hobbled home in agony, trying not to think about Ronit and holding my stomach. When my house was in my sights, I was relieved to see my father’s car wasn’t in the drive. I’d hoped he’d taken my mother out as well.

The house was silent, and I went straight to my bedroom and closed the door. I let the odd, overwhelming feeling engulf me as I fell onto my bed. Whatever the feeling was, it was intrusive and blunt, so I tried stroking my stomach to ease it.

It helped. I let my hand stroke further down until my fingers were pressed between my legs. That noticeably made a difference. Some air got trapped in my throat and I gulped quietly as I let my fingers continue to rub away the discomfort. I pressed my thighs together and squirmed as the ache transformed into pleasure. For a fleeting moment, I wondered again why I had run away from Ronit. I knew that if I’d told her how I was feeling, she probably would have known what to do.

She would have known the feeling as well, I was certain. I always ran away from her, I felt so stupid. If I hadn’t run away, I could have still been in her bed, instead of alone in my own. And instead of using my fingers, maybe Ronit could have used hers instead.

Upon the exhilaration of that thought, I jumped as I heard my mother yelling in the wild way she did, the way she shrieked when she was in one of her wretched moods. Then I knew I’d be there all day.


	13. The Museum

We didn’t venture out of Hendon very often, any of us. On the rare occasion that we did go beyond the invisible perimeter of the community walls, I always remembered feeling stupid; my father always got stared at by everyone. He didn’t care, he wore his religion with pride, but I felt like a splinter. Jaggedly sticking out of normal society in plain sight.

Despite the unwanted attention we got, I did love stepping outside the suffocating barriers of Hendon. I loved seeing the way people dressed; the bright colours, the different, tight materials that stuck to their skin and the way women wore clothes that revealed the way their bodies were shaped instead of hiding them. I loved seeing the way women wore their hair, their real hair, that they didn’t shove shamefully under a wig. I loved seeing adults and children of all different races and colours and even other religions, and there were always so many different types of people.

I always hankered to get out there, to see more, to drink it and consume the real world to remind myself that there was always more out there. Though the feeling had dulled since Esti and I had grown closer. The majority of the time I didn’t care where I was as long as I was with her, I felt less of a draw to be elsewhere.

That’s why when I woke up with that hunger to explore again one morning, it took me by surprise. It was like an instant alert in my brain, informing me that I wouldn’t be going to school that day, instead I would be going on an adventure, and I knew exactly where. I didn’t try to fight the urge, because it had already won.

I still got up and dressed as though I were intending to spend all day in class, but I tipped my satchel out of all the scraps of papers and pens and packed my mother’s camera into it. I ran downstairs, crammed a full bottle of juice in there and hurriedly made two salt beef sandwiches, one for me and one for Esti.

Afterwards, I scrounged several pounds from the coin jar in the kitchen and under the sofa cushions. I left at my usual time with a flurry of nerves and excitement in my stomach, making me feel pleasantly nauseous. Esti was there again, on her bench, swinging her skinny legs as she waited.

‘Hi.’ I said, catching her by surprise.

‘Hi, why is your face so red?’

‘Is it?’ I touched my cheek, it was hot. ‘I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. I’ve got something to tell you.’

‘What?’ Her eyes looked curious as she stood up and took my hand.

‘We’re not going to school.’ I said, feeling the grin spread across my face.

‘What do you mean?’

‘We’re skiving today.’

She stood there for a moment, slightly crumpling her forehead. ‘Ronit, we can’t not go to school.’

‘Sure we can. We just won’t go, it’s easy.’

‘They’ll… that’s stupid. The school will tell our parents.’

‘What will they do?’

‘Well, they’ll punish us.’

I shrugged, I didn’t want to lose the rush I was feeling. ‘We’ll just tell everyone it was my fault, that I made you. We won’t go far, maybe we could even get back after lunch, if you’re that keen.’

‘I really don’t think it’s a good idea.’

I considered her for a moment, and then I looked around us. The quiet morning was swaddling us. Only a few chirping birds sat in the tree above us and a slight breeze whispered in the road behind me. I stepped forward, with my gloved hand I held her face and kissed her. I was surprised she let me, but I didn’t think about it too much. It was only a light one, where I could feel how soft she was and smell the hint of toothpaste on her.

When I pulled away, her eyes remained closed. I saw her swallow, and then her eyelids lifted and her green eyes caught mine.

‘I suppose if it’s just the morning, we could.’ She uttered.

My grin returned and I squeezed her hand. ‘I had an idea of where we could go.’ I said as I led her in the opposite direction of our normal route. We had to walk for about ten minutes to get to the right bus stop.

When we got there I gave Esti £2 for her fare, and we climbed onto the red double decker bus that would take us all the way to Lambeth. Esti was so nervous, I felt her hand tremble as I held it.

I talked the entire way in an attempt to soothe her, but I think it made it worse. By the time we got there, her face had drained of all colour and she’d asked several times if we could go back. And then she kept asking me where we were going.

‘I wanted to take you here.’ I said. ‘I read about it in my father’s newspaper, I think you’ll like it.’

‘I’m really scared.’

‘Don’t be then.’

‘I can’t just not be scared.’

‘Of course you can. Just tell yourself not to be scared.’

She huffed through her nostrils and pressed her forehead against the bus window. I laughed then, and I pulled my camera from my bag and took a photo of her, filling the upper deck of the bus with a snap of light.

‘I’m going to call that one _Sulky Esti_.’ I said, winding the camera up again.

‘Stop it.’

‘You can’t be mad at me, you’re smiling.’

‘I am not.’ She said, though I could see her cheeks had raised.

‘We have to get off soon.’

‘Where are you taking me?’

‘It’s a surprise, I’ve told you.’

‘What made you do this today?’

‘I felt like it, and I’ve been thinking about it since I saw it.’

‘I can’t believe I came with you.’

‘I can.’ I said, stroking her leg.

When we got off the bus, I continued to hold Esti’s hand until we reached the museum gates. I was still filled with nerves, it was like I had angry wasps under my skin.

‘The Imperial War Museum?’ Esti asked.

‘It sounds boring, doesn’t it? But there’s something here that you’ll love, I promise.’

Esti was acting so shifty, I wanted to laugh again but I didn’t. We got through the doors and went straight through to the lobby where all of the old RAF planes hung above us. I needed to find where the exhibit was, but I didn’t want to draw attention to the fact that Esti and I were here alone.

‘Let’s try this way.’ I said, tugging her along.

She didn’t say anything as we wandered through the giant doorways that led deeper into the museum. I was keeping an eye out for posters or signs or anything that indicated where the exhibit might be. I started to worry that we’d missed it, that I hadn’t paid enough attention to the dates of the advertisement.

Just as I started to feel a slight burn of embarrassment, I saw the words ‘Anne Frank’ above a door to our right.

‘Yes! There it is, come on.’ I hurried across the large room that was filled with replicas of old war tanks.

‘What is-’ Esti started to ask, but her voice faded.

‘It’s an exhibit on Anne Frank.’ I turned to her and smiled at the expression on her face. ‘It’s all about her life and I think her diary might be here. It’s only here for a little while.’

‘Ronit, this is- this is incredible.’

The room of the exhibit was silent and empty. The majority of it was a replica of Anne’s bedroom in the Secret Annexe, but there were pockets of photographs and artefacts dotted around under glass cases and frames. Esti didn’t say much as she wandered around the room, absorbing everything. I mostly watched her, but occasionally something would catch my eye and I would read a little bit.

I was fascinated by her fascination. She spent a long time in there, longer than I thought she would, just reading, sighing and making the odd interested noise.

‘Have you ever read her diary?’ She asked me at one point, while I was hovering over a photo of Anne Frank and her sister.

‘No. I’ve tried to, but I didn’t finish it.’

She was facing away from me, so I couldn’t see her face. ‘She liked kissing boys, but she wrote about wanting to kiss girls, did you know that?’

I looked up, staring at the back of Esti. ‘I didn’t know that.’

She nodded. ‘On the 5th January 1944, she wrote about wanting to kiss one of her girl friends.’ Esti’s voice had dipped and I felt my heart start to race. She turned around to face me. ‘She wanted to be with her, together with her.’

‘Do you… want that?’

‘Want what?’

‘To be with a girl?’

‘I don’t- I don’t think-’

‘Do you ever think about kissing boys?’ I asked her as the question took hold of me.

She shook her head and bit her bottom lip. ‘Do you?’

‘Sometimes, well… I used to.’

‘You don’t anymore?’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

I waited and leant back against the display behind me. ‘I only think about you now.’

A quick smile flashed but then she looked squirmy and nervous again. ‘I think about you too.’ She said softly.

I was just about to go to her and kiss her again when a loud, obnoxious voice echoed behind us.

‘Have you two split from the school group?’ An angry, red-faced man with a bushy moustache stood under the arch of the exhibit entrance. ‘They’ll be looking for you! Come along now!’

‘Oh, we’re-’ Esti immediately started to speak but I interrupted her.

‘Sorry sir. We got distracted. We’ll go now.’ I turned to Esti and nodded, she didn’t say anything but followed behind me. The angry man puffed as we passed him.

‘You’d better hurry along!’ He nagged after us.

We both made our way straight to the exit. I checked the time before we left; if it took us an hour to get back then we’d arrive halfway through lunch.

‘Did you enjoy that?’ I asked Esti once we were on the bus.

‘It was sad, a lot of it.’ Esti admitted, I noticed her face had some colour in it now, as though her fear had ebbed away. ‘It puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?’

I nodded.

‘She was just like us, and she was killed for it.’

I nodded again.

‘She had to hide away and she couldn’t see her friends ever.’ She sniffed. ‘I can’t imagine being taken away from you.’

‘You won’t be taken away from me.’

With that she rested her head on my shoulder, and we rode the bus back to school.

 

We did get into trouble. Well, Esti got into more trouble, which wasn’t part of the plan.

We tried to get into school undetected, to blend in at lunch time when everyone would be in the playground already. Miss Stern spotted us immediately, her face was pinched together so fiercely it made her look old and ugly.

‘Where on earth have you two been?’ She hissed the words, I could barely understand them.

‘I made Esti bunk off school with me.’ I said boldly, staring into Miss Stern’s red and fiery eyes.

‘Where did you go? Do you know how worried- do you know how much trouble you’re both in?’

‘It was my idea Miss Stern.’ I said. ‘It was my fault.’

Her head snapped to Esti, who started to stutter.

‘It’s- that’s not- I wanted to-’

‘No, I made her Miss Stern. I told her to come with me.’

‘You _shouldn’t_ have done that Ronit. But Esti, you should not have gon-’

‘I didn’t give her a choice.’ I took a small step forward, in front of Esti.

Miss Stern looked from me to Esti and back to me again. She sighed and ran her fingers through her long hair. ‘Why can I believe that?’ She asked irritably, I imagined she wasn’t looking for an answer. ‘Right, Esti come with me. Your parents are in the reception and they’re worried sick.’

‘My p-parents are here?’ I thought I noticed Esti buckle.

‘Yes! Of course they are! We had to call your parents when neither of you turned up for registration!’

‘Is my father here as well?’ I asked.

‘No, no we couldn’t get through to the Rav. Just, go and think about what you’ve done Ronit. I’ll deal with you later. Don’t run away again!’

Esti didn’t look back at me as she walked towards the school building with Miss Stern. I felt a dreadful wrench in my stomach. It was only because Esti’s parents cared that she would be in more trouble than me. Even if my father had answered the phone, I doubt he would have cared where I was. He would have been more upset that I’d embarrassed him again, that I’d brought more shame to the Krushka name, instead of worrying whether I’d been kidnapped or hurt.

I scowled and stood rooted to the spot, I gritted my teeth and my arms stuck to my sides. I felt the glares from all of the other girls; the playground had gone quiet during the interaction between Miss Stern, Esti and me. I saw two figures glide into my periphery and I rolled my eyes before they even started talking to me.

‘Where were you and weird Esti?’ I heard her before I saw her properly.

‘Go away Keren.’

‘She’s just asking a question.’ Hinda spat.

‘You can go away too Hinda.’ I said.

‘I’m just curious.’ Keren acted as though Hinda hadn’t said a word. ‘I thought maybe you were both at the park again.’

Her pale, watery eyes were piercing through me, but I matched them with my own glower. I didn’t speak, but I was urging Keren to push me to my limit. I didn’t want to fight her, but in an odd, excited way I wanted to keep talking about me and Esti, even though it was stupid and dangerous and would lead to more problems later. I tried to think about what Esti would say.

‘We weren’t at the park this time.’ I spoke with strength behind the words.

‘Where were you then?’

‘None of your business.’ I replied.

‘You’re both going to get in trouble.’ Hinda boasted, I had the biggest urge to throw my bottle of juice at her head.

‘I don’t care about that.’ I said. ‘We just didn’t want to come to school this morning.’

‘Because you were kissing again?’ Keren asked, her mouth was open, and she was wearing an odd, knowing smile. I smiled back at her.

‘Why?’ I asked feeling my eyebrows raise. ‘Are you jealous?’

Her smile dropped immediately and Hinda’s eyes shot to her. ‘What- you- that’s disgusting, no!’ Keren spluttered. ‘You just-’

‘Is that why you keep following us everywhere?’ I felt the questions needling under Keren’s skin; now I was searching for a reaction, now I wanted her to fight back.

‘No! You’re just-’

‘I think you _are_ jealous.’ I repeated myself, standing up straighter now. ‘Jealous of Esti.’

At that point a small crowd had gathered around us; whispering, interested voices coming to witness the commotion we were causing. I recognised Shayna immediately; her hair had been bunched into pig tails and her face looked cleaner than normal. She was staring at me quizzically as Keren continued to bluster in front of our new audience.

‘I would never be jealous of weird Esti.’ Keren feigned a chuckle. ‘Everyone knows about your sleepovers. You two are just strange – everyone thinks so.’

There were some mutters of agreement in the crowd, but I also heard a murmuring of discord, as though some girls had disagreed with Keren. I felt as though Keren was wishing they would all disappear, but I was oddly enjoying it.

‘I don’t think Ronit’s strange.’ Shayna said, stepping forward.

‘Nobody asked you Shayna.’ Hinda said, leaning forward.

‘She’s not strange, and she doesn’t _just_ spend time with Esti.’ Shayna continued; the crowd was looking at her now.

‘Shayna, don’t-’ I said, but it was too late.

‘I’ve had a sleepover with her too.’ Shayna said it so proudly that I felt an unwelcome twinge of guilt. I closed my eyes briefly as the interest of the crowd crested. The circle of girls around me were watching Keren for a reaction; she started to laugh.

‘I just thought it was weird Esti, but-’ She started to say.

‘ _Don’t_ call her that.’

‘-I suppose it’s just _anyone_.’

‘Just definitely not you.’ I retorted quickly, not knowing whether it was a good or bad thing to say.

A teacher blew a whistle a short distance away, and the group of girls dispersed across the playground and filtered back inside the building. They were all still whispering excitedly. Keren, Hinda and I remained staring at one another.

‘Ronit?’ Shayna said my name softly. ‘Do you want to go to class with me?’

‘Fine.’ I huffed and stormed towards the school doors, trembling slightly and wishing I’d eaten one of the sandwiches I’d made that morning.


	14. The Beginning

The rest of the day was painful. I walked to class with Shayna, and she sat next to me even though I asked her not to. In fact, she stuck to me the whole day like tar, it was annoying, and she didn’t take the hint at all. Esti didn’t come back to school, which filled me with dread and panic; I couldn’t focus on anything else. I didn’t even care that awful rumours had started to spread like fire throughout our year. It was subtle at first, but still noticeable; it always is when you’re at the centre of something.

The hallways were filled with quiet whispers of stories of me, taking unsuspecting girls like Esti and Shayna away and making them kiss me. By the end of the day the rumours had escalated. I didn’t care about me, I kept telling myself that they were just words and none of it mattered. There was a rot in my stomach though, because I knew it would matter to Esti. She would hate to think she was in the middle of gossip, I was relieved that she wasn’t at school, even though it meant she was having a horrible time at home. I wondered what her mother would be saying about her skipping school, about me.

I called her as soon as I got home. My father still wasn’t home, and I didn’t know where he was or when he’d be back. The phone rang and rang and rang, I started to give up when it finally clicked through and Esti’s father answered.

‘Hello Mr Halpe- Josef.’

‘Ronit,’ his voice sounded soft and he sighed for a long time. ‘Would you like to speak to Esti?’

‘If- if I’m allowed to, please.’

‘One minute.’

I heard some shuffling, some low voices and finally Esti’s voice.

‘Hi.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I said immediately.

‘It’s oka-’

‘I really am sorry. You weren’t supposed to get into trouble.’

‘I… I didn’t get into trouble.’

‘But you- you didn’t come back afterwards. I thought you’d been punished or…’

‘Miss Stern told my parents it was your fault.’

‘Oh, but that’s… that’s good.’

‘It’s not. I didn’t want you to take the blame.’

‘But it was my fault.’

‘I knew what I was doing. I tried to tell them, but my mother didn’t want to hear it.’

‘Is she mad at me again?’

Esti breathed down the phone. ‘She’s always mad about something. She wanted to stop me seeing you again but my-’ Her voice dropped to a low whisper. ‘My father got angry with her. Told her to stop being so controlling.’

I laughed without meaning to. ‘I bet she hated that.’

‘She… she went for a lie down. They always fight now. How was school?’

‘It was…’ I thought about the rumours, I thought about Keren and the way she so brazenly and publicly talked of Esti and me kissing. ‘It was fine. I missed you though.’

‘I missed you too.’

‘Do you want to come over? My father isn’t here.’

‘My father said the Rav is away. You didn’t know?’

‘No.’ I said, feeling no shock or surprise. ‘Where is he?’ I asked, thinking it was funny that I was asking Esti where my own father was.

‘I don’t know. I think, something to do with planning a pilgrimage, I think.’

‘Well, you can definitely come over then. You could even stay the night.’

‘But it’s a school night.’

‘Why don’t you ask? It won’t hurt.’

‘Okay.’

‘But just ask your dad.’

Esti chuckled then. ‘Okay, I’ll be back in a minute.’

It was so good to hear her voice after an afternoon of missing it.  A part of me knew she would come back with the news that she couldn’t stay, but I didn’t mind because it had been so satisfying talking to her on the phone. I heard some rattling and Esti was there again.

‘I can stay.’ She said, mildly out of breath.

‘Really?’

‘Yes. I just can’t tell my mother.’

‘Wow.’

‘I know. I’ll come over now.’

We said goodbye and hung up. I immediately ran to my bedroom to ensure it was tidy. Then I ran to the fridge because I remembered I’d have to make dinner for both me and Esti now. There was some leftover honey chicken and roasted vegetables in there, that would be enough; Esti barely ate anything anyway.

I went back to my bedroom and sprayed some of my mother’s perfume into the air and opened the window. I sat there for twenty minutes, looking at the birds and the rustling trees, when I finally saw Esti walking along the pavement. I jumped up so eagerly I smashed my toes on the bed, but I still sprinted to the front door with the same speed, even though with each step I was flinching.

When I answered the door, I barely had time to greet her before she jumped into my arms. I held her on the doorstep for a few minutes; I had forgotten that I had seen her that morning, I had forgotten all about the museum until the smell of her hair drifted up and made my jaw shiver.

‘Hi.’

‘Hello.’ She said. ‘I can’t believe my father said I could come over.’

‘I can believe it either.’ I said. She looked up at me and she kissed me, so naturally that it felt normal and right. ‘Do you want to come in?’

She nodded, and I brought her in. I couldn’t help but kiss her against the door as soon as I closed it. She groaned slightly, and I suddenly forgot how hungry I was. Her hands rested on my hips while my tongue deepened in her mouth.

‘I didn’t say thank you earlier.’ She said after she pulled away, slightly flushed; she continued stroking my cheek.

‘For what?’

‘Taking me to the museum. You’re so thoughtful and I… really appreciated it.’

‘It was nothing. It was stupid really, I should have suggested it on a weekend.’

‘No, going on a school day made it… fun. I like doing things with you. I like it when you make me do things like that.’

‘I just thought you’d like it.’ I smiled weakly.

‘I did.’ She sniffed. ‘Did anything happen after I left? Did you get into trouble?’

‘No, Miss Stern tried to catch me a few times, but I ran away from her.’

‘You’re good at that.’ Esti laughed.

‘I’m getting better at it. Do you want to go upstairs? Are you hungry?’

‘No, I’m not hungry. We can go upstairs.’

I had that instant flare of anticipation inside me again. I felt it whenever Esti and I were alone together, whenever Esti was in my bedroom and whenever I saw her on my bed; the expectant need to touch her almost blinded me.

She dropped her bag to the floor and perched on my bed. She didn’t need to tell me what she wanted when she did that, I instantly knew. It was those silent conversations we seemed to have with our eyes. I sat next to her and held her face as I kissed her again. Our mouths found each other, there was no pressure, no uncertainty; it all made sense.

I let my fingers caress her neck as we fell back against the pillows. We carried on like that, rush after rush of pleasure shot down from my stomach and up from my thighs until I had to hold myself against her again. She started rolling down her tights and pulling up her skirt; that made me tremble, because I knew she was giving me permission again to do what I’d done before, when I’d rubbed myself against her.

I took off my own tights and gasped slightly when our skin touched; that feeling was still so fresh, it was taking me a while to get used to how good it felt. I immediately pressed the centre of my legs against her thigh. I could feel the warmth and smoothness of her skin through the material of my underwear and it robbed me of the air in my lungs. I started to slowly roll my hips, but before I built up any speed, I stopped myself.

‘Did you…’ I took a deep, quick breath. ‘Sorry. Did you want to talk about anything else?’

‘What do you mean?’ She asked, her hands pausing on my hips.

‘I just, didn’t want to- if you wanted to do something else first… I don’t want you to think I only want-’

‘No, I want this.’ She nodded. ‘I do.’ I felt her hips lift under me and my entire body quaked. Her hands slipped under my shirt and she pulled me closer. I let out a noise when her leg lifted; she made a similar sound and I couldn’t help but start to grind my hips.

It was a pure, natural movement to me, nothing about it felt wrong; I could do it forever. I worked the feeling up and up, letting my lungs propel moans and gasps from my mouth as Esti writhed underneath me. Several times she looked down, watching what was I doing, as if she was studying the motions of my body. An impulse grabbed a hold of me and one of my hands slid under her shirt. I let my fingers spread over her ribs, then I moved up along her chest. She was so soft, I allowed myself to squeeze her gently, then I noticed a sudden stiffness under my palm as she jerked and panted beneath me. I let out a high pitch squeak when the pleasure surmounted in between my legs. I fell onto my elbows, exhausted. Esti’s breathing was loud and her chest was rising and falling rapidly.

‘I really, really like it when you do that.’ She spoke so breathlessly, it made me want to get back on top of her all over again.

‘You should- you should try it on me.’

‘Maybe. Maybe I will one day.’ I caught a look at her face, she looked as though she was in pain. ‘What does it feel like?’ She asked.

‘I told you. Like being electrocut-’

‘Electrocuted I know, but before that. Does it feel good the whole time?’

I nodded and reached for the glass of water on my bedside table. I took several large gulps and fell onto my own side of the bed. ‘It feels like you’re getting rid of something. Like a release.’

‘Okay.’

‘Because you feel like there’s something building up, don’t you? Inside?’

She shook her head. ‘No.’

‘Esti, you can tell me. It’s not wrong or-’

‘I am a bit hungry now.’

‘Why won’t you talk about it?’

‘I don’t know, I just- I want you to be happy. I don’t care about myself.’

‘But… I care about you.’

‘That’s sweet, but it doesn’t matter. I just like that you like it.’

I started to feel a pang of hunger, but I cast it aside. I sat up and placed a hand on her knee. ‘Have you ever touched yourself down there?’

‘Ronit!’

‘No, honestly, have you?’

‘I don’t want to- no I haven’t.’ Her eyes shifted around the room uncomfortably. ‘I mean, I have- I tried to.’

‘What did it feel like?’

‘It felt… good, I suppose. But I didn’t do anything more.’

‘What did you do?’

She sat up and frowned. ‘Just, put my hand there.’

‘And then you just… stopped?’ My hand was still on her knee, I could feel it starting to sweat.

Esti looked down and then she brought her eyes to mine. Her chin dropped but she nodded. ‘I’d like it if you touched me.’ Her voice was so quiet, I almost had to ask her to repeat herself.

‘I can.’ I tried to control the sudden leap in my chest. ‘I can do that. I’d like that too.’

She leaned up and kissed me hurriedly, as though the words she’d just said had embarrassed her and she was trying to hide her mouth away. She placed her hand on top of mine and guided it under her skirt. I broke away from her lips so that I could inhale; my entire body was throbbing, and my fingers were trembling.

She and I both gasped when my shaking hand reached her underwear. Without thinking, I pressed against it, making her sink further back into the pillows and creating a charge of energy that fuelled the action of my arm. I kissed Esti again as my fingers stroked along the fabric, which felt wet. I didn’t understand why that was, but I knew mine was the same; it still felt normal, it still felt right.

‘Is that o-okay?’ I asked, with my mouth still against hers.

‘Yes. Yes.’

‘I’ve- I’ve done this…a few times.’

‘Mm.’

‘It feels better under the-’

‘Just do- do it. I trust you.’ She said with a nervous smile.

With her permission, I tucked my hand inside the waistband. I felt a mound of soft hair, smooth skin and that same warm, wet stickiness that I’d felt on myself several times before. It felt different, but it still felt good. There was something so much more intimate about it, I felt closer to her; not just physically. I was shaken out of my thoughts as Esti clutched my arms and gasped continuously with every lingering touch my fingers made.

‘That’s- that-’ A hushed murmur rushed from Esti’s mouth as her hands gripped me. ‘That feels so good, Ronit.’

I exhaled for a long time as I continued circling my fingers until they were soaking wet and begging to be inside her. That was another odd urge I couldn’t explain. I tried to remember what I’d done to myself before, tried to remember what felt good because I didn’t want to hurt her or do anything wrong.

‘It might hurt, just for a second.’ I spoke into her mouth and she nodded.

‘I’ve thought about this so much.’ She mumbled, her lips quivering against mine.

‘Me too.’ I said, as my pulsating body pressed against hers. My nervous fingers found her, and I gently eased my middle finger inside. She winced but I carried on, slowly and with measured motions. I curled it, which made her jolt. So I did it again, and again. I went faster and harder, and then I slowed to allow us both an opportunity to breathe.

I kissed her zealously as my finger sped up again and her body responded to mine quickly. Her hips started to jerk and the volume of her gasps and moans had elevated so they filled up my bedroom. I completely forgot that I’d left the window open.

‘That’s so-’ Esti started to pant, but I knew what was happening. The same thing had happened to me, it was a good feeling. I wanted to give that to her.

‘It’ll get better.’

‘Oh, Ron-’ The words were broken when they came out, fractured with pleasure and mounting expectation. I kept hold of her, moving my finger inside her and coaxing kisses from her mouth, until finally I brought her to the brink. Her body tensed all over, a small, shuddering, consistent whimper tumbled from her lungs and her arms wrapped all the way around my shoulders. She tried to whisper my name several times, but she couldn’t quite get her mouth around the word. I waited for her to calm as I wiped my finger on the sheet, my entire body was still shaking. I stared at her wide green eyes, her pink, shivering lips but I refrained from leaning into them. In that moment, she was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen her.

‘It’s good isn’t it?’ I asked with a gentle stroke of her arm.

‘Yes.’ She craned her neck to kiss me, holding the back of my head. ‘Yes. I want another one.’

I laughed as she rolled on top of me, straddling my hips and kissing my face all over. We did it several more times with her above me and beneath me. I think I got better at it; each time Esti’s reaction was more staggering than the last. It was addictive, for the both of us. We undressed each other slowly, our clothes found their way to my bedroom floor or tangled at the end of the bed.

‘Can I do it to you?’ She asked me with a breathless whisper when her red, warm face was buried in my neck and her chest was pressed so firmly against mine I could feel her heartbeat.

‘Yes.’ I said, probably too quickly. I’d been enduring a ravenous ache the entire time I was touching her; it was something deep inside me, rooted to my core that I knew only she would be able to appease.

She pulled herself up and watched me intently as she lowered her hand. When I felt her fingers touch my inner thigh, my entire body shook. I had to bite my lip to calm myself. I’d thought about her so much, I’d thought about this situation so much that now I was living it I could hardly believe it.

I could see in her face that she was overthinking everything she was doing. The crease in the middle of her forehead was prominent, and her tongue kept tracing her bottom lip. I felt her thumb press against that warm, tingly area between my legs and I pulled her towards me. She kissed me as her finger slid inside me.

It was indescribable ecstasy. Having dreamt about it, having imagined this over and over again I couldn’t fathom the intimacy of it. I couldn’t believe how close we were, how much stronger it made me feel towards her. She worked her wrist as our breathing became one.

‘Is that right?’ She asked at one point, when I felt her fingers moving fast and hard.

‘Y-yes, yes.’

Whatever she was doing, it felt surpassed whatever I had done to myself. It was unpredictable, pleasurable and powerful. My eyes rolled back, and my hands flew to the duvet as Esti continued, her rampant fingers and quick breaths drew me deeper into a new cavern of pleasure. It was unlike anything I’d experienced before, joy and indulgence poured within me as my back domed on the bed and a sharp cry left my mouth.

‘Esti.’ I whispered as I floated back to my bedroom; I’d been above myself, experiencing everything from some other plain. Her blurry face suddenly swam in my vision. I closed my eyes; my hands were still pinned to the bedcovers. I made another quiet noise before I felt her lay on top of me.

My arms wrapped around her as she rested her head in the crook of my shoulder. She played with the ends of my hair for a while, toying with them and twirling the strands in her fingers. I could hear her brain humming, I could almost listen to the thoughts in her head as I lay there, feeling as though we’d crossed some invisible barrier together. The attachment we’d had, the bond we shared, it had strengthened because of whatever we had just done, whatever we had just shared; a new, explicit significance that we had plunged into together. I thought about all the times I’d kissed Esti before now and they seemed almost childish, as though they had been leading up to this.

I indulged in the touch of her then; I focussed on her hair that was spread over my chest, her warm breath that caught the hairs on my arm, her entire torso that felt so solid against mine, and her bare legs that were draped over my own. A car rattled along the road outside and a fresh breeze fanned the curtains.

‘Was that okay?’ She asked, I felt her voice touch my skin.

‘It was incredible.’ I murmured, bringing my eyes back to her. ‘It was- you’re incredible.’

‘Did you- did I do it right?’

‘Yes.’ I nodded and let my hands spread over her back. ‘You did.’

‘It’s not bad, is it? What we just did?’

I waited a moment and pressed my nose against the top of her head. ‘Did it feel bad?’

‘No.’ She shook her head, the floral scent of her hair made me feel woozy. ‘It felt good.’

‘Then it’s not bad. It can’t be bad if it feels good.’

She lifted her head and looked at me, smiling. ‘That doesn’t sound right.’

‘That’s because you’re thinking about it too much.’ I said. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘If people find out-’

‘Why do you care so much?’

‘I don’t know. Because- because this isn’t- isn’t right, is it? It isn’t normal.’

‘What’s normal to _them_ isn’t normal to the rest of the world, Esti.’

‘But this _is_ our world, Ronit.’

‘No, it’s not.’ I pulled my shirt across my chest. ‘Do you really feel like you belong here?’

She nodded. ‘Yes. I do.’

‘And you want to stay here? Forever?’

‘I… I just want to stay with you.’

‘I’m not going to be here forever.’ I said. ‘I’m going to leave the first chance I get.’

‘Where will you go?’

‘I don’t know. Paris? It’s amazing in Paris, they drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and that’s pretty much all they do.’

‘Maybe I can come with you then. And we can do that together and both have French husbands.’

I scoffed. ‘I’m not getting married. Ever. It’s institutional obligation, I hate it.’

I don’t think she knew what to say to that, and I’m glad she didn’t respond. I don’t know where the words had come from; I suppose in some way I’d always believed what I’d said. We stared at each other for another moment in silence.

‘Come here.’ I asked her timidly, she smiled again, edged up and kissed me without a second thought. Her lips were so soft, and her tongue was so enticing that my hands automatically tensed around her. I started to sit up and she rolled off me and onto the bed, so I was above her again. The warm, clammy skin of our bodies hugged together as she brought her knee up in between my legs.

I let my hips drop as she kept her thigh pressed into me. With a shaky breath, I pushed into her again, pulling back and rolling over her until I felt that build up again. Leaning on one elbow, I allowed my hand to touch her chest again. A groan formed in her throat, and my breathing hastened in time with the drive of my hips. It felt wetter, where I pressed against her before, and it was much more sensitive. A smouldering drum of pleasure swathed my abdomen as I tried not to focus on the sensation which was thrumming inside me. My hand closed over the small swell of her chest and she moaned again, forcing the sensuality to cascade inside me. My entire body went rigid and I exhaled loudly into the air above us. It was so much more powerful that my elbow buckled, and I fell on top of her.

Esti didn’t say anything afterwards, but she shifted so I could slump next to her. Her arm enveloped me, and she stroked my arm, tickling me and giving me goosebumps all the way down to my wrist. Her eyes met mine and she leaned into me.

‘Can I try it now?’ She whispered.

I nodded eagerly. ‘Yes.’

That night, I don’t think we slept much at all.


	15. The School Night

A giant clanging sound woke me up the next morning, the sound of metal tins smashing together making an almighty harmony of noise. My eyes shot open as my heart started to race; my heavy eyelids drooped when I realised I was in Ronit’s bedroom, alone. I stretched my arms and legs out until they cracked and I yawned as I became more familiar with other sensations occurring in my body.

I noticed a stinging in between my legs; a satisfying soreness when I moved my legs apart, which were still completely bare. I lifted the covers and looked down at my body. My chest, which felt lighter, as though a heavy weight had been lifted from it, was exposed. I was surprised at how little that bothered me. The fact that I was laying in Ronit’s bed nude, it should have affected me. I should have felt some need to cover myself, to hastily dress while Ronit was out of the room, but I didn’t. It all felt so… normal.

I remembered the night before, I let the memories wash over me. Ronit’s red lips on mine, her strong, slender fingers exploring my body in ways I never had before and then I recalled the way I’d touched her. I suddenly felt my face grow hot and my throat constricted. A pressure built up in my lower abdomen with each memory; the way she’d opened her legs, lifted her hips and held me in her arms as I kissed her. I was overcome with the memories of what we'd done; the new, exciting thing, and my entire body twitched.

Her smooth, pale thighs either side of my hand, my slick fingers lingering over that warm wetness between her legs. The feeling of being inside her and making those noises come from her. I noticed if I moved my fingers in different ways she made different sounds; when I was slow, they were deeper and filled with longing but when I was fast, they were more frantic and high pitched.

I looked down at my hand and flexed my knuckles. Instinctively, I brought them to my face. I could smell her still, that sweet, heady scent she’d left on my fingers. It was clinging to my skin; such a deep aroma, it pushed the air out of my lungs and made the soles of my feet burn.  

I was grateful when the old door creaked open; I sat up slightly and tried to stop thinking about the rising heat in my thighs. Ronit appeared, her hair was wild and dishevelled as she poked her head in.

‘Did I wake you up just now? With the pans?’ She asked.

I shook my head and rubbed my eyes; again, I smelled that sticky aroma that spurred a heat in my groin. ‘No.’ I lied.

‘Oh, good. It was really loud, you must have been out of it.’ She smiled at me, a simple smile that made her look light and happy; it gave me a similar feeling. ‘I made you breakfast.’ She stated.

‘You didn’t have to-’

‘I wanted to.’ She pushed the door to with her shoulder, and I realised that she’d been holding a tray the entire time. The smell of brewing tea and buttered, toasted bread filled the room as she marched to the bed, where she rested the tray. She was wearing a soft towel robe tied up at the waist, which made her look skinny; I knew that she must have been as naked as I was underneath it.

‘Thank you.’ I mumbled, feeling my cheeks pinch into a smile. ‘What time is it?’

‘Early-ish. We don’t have to leave for school for ages.’

I yawned again and nodded. I was tired, but in a satisfied way. A way that made my entire body feel calm.

‘I remember when I was younger,’ Ronit said as she poured steaming tea into a cup. ‘My mother always talking about my father bringing her tea and toast in bed.’ She paused while she stirred a sugar cube into my cup. ‘It was only ever on her birthday, but she’d talk about it the _whole_ year.’

I didn’t say anything, but I took a slice of toast and nibbled the crunchy corner of it. The melted butter and warm jam mingled on my tongue, making me salivate. Ronit got back under the covers, still in her robe, she took a bite of toast too.

‘That was the _only_ time he’d ever do anything nice for her.’ She was chewing and talking at the same time, but I didn’t care. I shifted under the duvet so that our legs were touching. ‘I just always remember how happy it made her.’

‘That’s a sweet story.’ I said.

‘It’s not really.’ She wiped her crumby hands on the duvet. ‘It would be sweeter if he’d done more, wouldn’t it?’

‘Well,’ I took a larger bite of toast. ‘Maybe, I suppose.’

‘Do you like the toast? The jam is homemade.’

‘It’s delicious. Did you make it?’ I asked, picking a seed out of my tooth.

She nodded proudly. ‘I made it ages ago. I didn’t think it’d still be good, but it’s fine.’ She said, poking a lump of jam on her toast.

‘Does the Rav do this a lot?’ I asked, wiping my hands on a single napkin Ronit had brought up.

‘What?’

‘This. Go away, and not tell you about it.’

She wiped her mouth and shrugged. ‘It happens.’

‘How often?’

‘I don’t know.’ She threw the slice of toast onto the tray and sat back. The morning light was giving her an almost olive glow on her skin, she started biting on her lip. ‘He’s busy. I understand it.’

‘He shouldn’t leave you alone, not without telling you.’

‘But when he leaves I get to do what I want.’

‘That’s why it’s bad.’ I said, smiling at her. Without realising it, my torso had twisted to face hers. It was uncomfortable, but I stayed in the same position because now my leg was resting on top of hers.

‘It’s not too bad. If he was here, we couldn’t have done what we did last night.’

My tongue started pushing against my cheek. ‘I enjoyed last night a lot.’

Ronit was nodding eagerly, she’d turn to face me now; her chocolate eyes were twinkling. The rest of the tea and toast turned cold while we stared at each other. A thick cloud passed over the sun and made her bedroom darker. I shuffled closer to her and touched the material of her robe. Out of nowhere, I started giggling, I didn’t know why. It took hold of me; it felt like another release. As though I were acknowledging the joy of everything we’d allowed ourselves to indulge in, both the night before and in the weeks leading up to it. She started sniggering too, to my relief. For a few minutes, that was all there was; the two of us laughing together, our hands drifting over each other’s arms and waists as the bird calls and cars from outside floated into the bedroom.

‘I thought about all of that for a long time.’ Ronit said after her laughter had faded. When she spoke, I noticed a faint pinkness high up on her cheekbones. ‘A really long time.’

‘I did too.’ I said.

‘Really?’

‘I think so, no- I know I did. I knew I- I knew I wanted more when we kissed. I just didn’t know what.’

‘It sort of just… happened, didn’t it?’

I nodded, our fingers were playing together; I studied Ronit’s. She had perfect, shiny, pink nails cut short. Pale lines of dirt were embedded under some of them. Her long, lean fingers stretched down to her jutting knuckles, where several faint veins could be seen just proud of the back of her hand. I stroked them all the way down to her wrist as my tongue traced my bottom lip.

They gave me a peculiar feeling, even though they were only fingers. I brought them to my face to kiss them, and instantly felt a strong rush as the scent of myself on her fingers and her on mine overwhelmed me. I pulled her hand away from my face and tried to focus my dizzy eyes on her.  

To fill the silence, which had peculiarly settled since the birds outside had stopped singing, I went to ask her if she thought it would continue. I wanted to ask if she wanted it, the kissing, the touching, the physical side of it, all over again but before I could, she was kissing me, and I was kissing her back.

I kicked my feet out and knocked the tray at the end of the bed, splashing tea all over the duvet, but neither of us cared. I clambered on top of her hastily, keeping myself under the covers so my naked body wouldn’t be entirely visible. Her hands held my face for a moment, but they soon slid around my back and pulled me closer, all the while her open mouth explored my lips, jaw and neck.

It didn’t take long for that feeling to return. Her mouth tasted like butter and the skin of her legs was cool against my warm ones. I started opening her robe, she helped me with it and shook her arms out of it. Her chest was entirely bare, and I pressed myself against her, which made her pant slightly. Her salty breath heated me, I could almost taste it in the air as my hips starting rocking against her.

Without even thinking, my hand lowered and I started caressing her, in that enticing area between her legs. It felt different today, touching her; it was fresh but familiar, new but acquainted. I was overflowing with nerves and confidence all at once. My fingers trembled against the thin, warm material of her underwear as her breath rattled out from her ribs. I think she mumbled my name, but I could barely hear over the throbbing in my head.

Her hands returned to my cheeks and she cradled my face, tucking my hair behind my ears as her tongue continued to roll inside my mouth. She made small, excited noises when she kissed me deeply like that; it incited a wildness inside me, an uncontrollable, vibrating urge.

I moved her underwear aside and gasped when I felt her. She was wet, like the night before, but again there was something different about it. I let my fingers trail over her; it was blissful. I noticed it was wetter the further down I went, but there was something more responsive higher up. Ronit inhaled sharply and her entire body jerked when I moved over a certain spot; her reaction made my brain flood with pleasure.

My heart thundered in my chest as I curled a finger inside her; her robe fell open, her legs enveloped me, and our bodies generated a new, exciting heat beneath the sheets. We moved together in a motion I don’t think we could have explained if we tried. It was something so natural and primal that if I thought about what I was doing for too long, I was forced to stop and recover.

Ronit was quieter this morning, instead of moaning she was whimpering more; she was juddering and seemed almost twitchy. I thought about the pain I’d felt that morning and immediately thought I was hurting her.

‘Are you- are you all right?’ The words puffed out of my mouth.

‘Y-yes. It’s just- really sensitive. Keep-’ She took a yearning breath. ‘Keep doing that.’

I continued without question. I made my hand move in ways I knew she liked, I made a conscious note to remember them from the night before. She grappled for my face, neck and shoulders desperately, uttering my name and letting those sensual noises flow from her mouth.

With the clammy skin of our chests pressed together, I felt something rise in her. We had been kissing fervidly before that, but as I felt her stiffen around my fingers, I pulled back. I wanted to see her cocoa eyes, the crinkle of her forehead, her gasping mouth and the fine line of her tensed jaw; I wanted to see all of her. Our eyes locked. I think she knew what I wanted because she started to smile, open-mouthed. I quickened my fingers and her smile faltered into a contortion of desire. She tightened around me and cried out with her face pressed into my neck; I couldn’t help but let out a small groan as I held myself inside her.

I heard her swallow several times as her body calmed. I remained on top of her, stroking the inside of her thigh slowly.

‘We should probably get ready for school.’ I whispered, bringing my lips to hers. She nodded as she kissed me.

‘I want to stay here.’ She said with a smirk.

‘We can’t. Not again.’ I said, even though I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed with her all day.

That made her laugh and she stuck her tongue out. ‘Fine.’

I eventually got up, I waited until Ronit left for the bathroom before darting to my bag. I grabbed my school uniform and hurriedly dressed into it. We didn’t leave the house immediately. We kissed against her bedroom door for several minutes, and then in the hallway, then on each step of the stairs on our way down and for a while by the front door. It was as though we couldn’t stop ourselves. I never wanted it to stop, and I don’t think she did either. I had a fleeting thought then, that if I had to choose a life for myself, I didn’t know what I would choose.

I just knew that however my life played out, Ronit would always be in it.


	16. The New Family

Keren was starting to annoy me. At first, I found it funny; the fact she was so clearly offended by me dropping her that she’d resulted in trying to get the entire school to hate me. Though now she was becoming a pest, and her attempts at turning the other girls against me were starting to look pathetic and whilst I didn’t care about myself, it was starting to encroach on the time I wanted to spend with Esti.

Some girls had tagged onto Keren’s wagon; though it was all girls that I’d been friends with before and got bored of some way or another so that didn’t surprise me. The rumours they would try to spin made me out to be some sort of predator, which I found funny, but Esti didn’t.

 ‘Because I enjoy it just as much as you.’ She replied after I asked her why one day. She was running her fingers through the length of my hair as I rested my head on her chest. ‘It’s wrong.’

We were both naked, perspiring and wrapped in a blanket on top of my bed; the Rav was out doing something or visiting someone. I didn’t care where he was, I just knew he’d left a simple hand-written note on the kitchen side saying: _Out – back late._

We’d had an interesting day at school; Keren and her small gaggle of followers had been sitting under our tree in the playground waiting for us both to arrive. Shayna and a few other girls had eventually joined us too; I think they thought it was some sort of gathering. Keren had goaded us, mostly me, for the whole hour to an uninterested audience. I made my way several times to threaten her with a branch, but Esti had pulled me back.

‘Don’t you think it’s funny?’ I asked her, tingling under the touch of her fingertips.

‘No.’

‘Well, then wouldn’t you rather them think it’s all my fault?’ I asked genuinely.

‘Not really.’ She mumbled.

‘You don’t want them to think I’m some big bad wolf luring you into my lair?’

Esti gave a short laugh, but her voice turned serious. ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s not right.’

‘So then why don’t we tell them the truth?’

She went quiet. ‘Because it’s… ours. I don’t want everyone knowing. And I still think if our parents find out we’d be in trouble.’

I shrugged and let her continue playing with my hair. I didn’t enjoy talking about the other girls with Esti. It wasted time. I started stroking her leg under the duvet. I could feel the soft fuzz of pale hair on her thigh, it sharpened my breath.

‘We’re lucky Keren’s such a liar.’ Esti murmured. ‘I don’t think anyone really believes her, that she saw us kissing.’ She carried on talking, she always did that on the rare occasions I was quiet.

‘Everyone in this place always wants to believe something.’ I said, a bit too scathingly.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Have you not noticed how much everyone talks? About everything and everyone? They don’t care if something is true or not true, if it means they can laugh at someone’s expense they’ll talk about it.’

‘I… I know it happens at school.’

‘It happens everywhere, Esti.’ I sat up and scratched behind my ear. ‘You really haven’t noticed? That’s why Keren loves talking about me and why she makes up stories. She sees her mother and her stupid friends doing it about everyone else in the community.’

Esti looked uncomfortable; she must have been thinking of her own mother, who was one of the biggest culprits. Her eyes were looking to the floor and I’d moved away, so she started toying with her fingers.

‘But it’s okay. It won’t last forever.’ I said, not entirely knowing what I meant.

‘I know. Keren will find someone else to talk about.’ Esti said, with a small smile. ‘Then she’ll leave us alone.’

‘If anything, Keren’s actually made us more popular.’ I laughed lightly and Esti sniffed.

‘It’s made _you_ more popular.’ She said, with an edge of some undisclosed tone I couldn’t decipher.

I simply nodded and returned my head to her chest, I brought my hand further up her leg. I didn’t feel like talking anymore. I kept trailing my fingers up until she started to twitch under my touch. I shifted onto my elbow and lifted my head to find her face; her forest eyes were bright and alert, and her forehead was shiny in the dim light. Her skin felt almost sticky beneath my hand because we had been rolling around in my bed since we’d got in from school. As soon as I found my father’s note, I’d taken her straight to my bedroom and hadn’t stopped kissing her until now.

I felt her hand move down and soon both of us were moving in tandem, simultaneously pleasuring the other. Her face looked different, she looked hungry; her mouth was open, and her eyes were devouring all of me. Her fingers were rolling over me quickly and boldly; her caress had something else to it, an anticipation almost.

‘Ronit?’ She spoke my name with a cracked voice.

‘Mm?’ I replied, I closed my eyes briefly.

‘Can I…’ She puffed, and her red tongue traced her full lips. ‘Can I kiss you- down there?’ Her words were barely audible. Swift, quiet sounds that had formed into something I could understand; the question gave me a prickly heat all along my throat. It was something I had been thinking about since we started touching each other like this; something I often thought about when I was alone. The thought of her mouth where her fingers currently were made my entire mouth dry up.

‘Yes.’ I nodded and pulled my hand away from her. ‘I’d like that.’

Her fingers stayed in between my legs for a moment longer. I noticed her chest rising as she sat up; her mouth had pursed, and I could hear the harsh strips of air rushing between her lips.

‘It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.’ She murmured.

‘Me too.’ I replied. ‘Me too.’

I moved onto my back and she rearranged herself so that she was kneeling in between my thighs; I saw that her breastbone was glistening. ‘Are you sure?’ She asked with a tighly knotted forehead.

I nodded again and reached for her hand to squeeze it. ‘Really sure.’ She smiled at me.

Her eyes had been fixed on my face the entire time, but now she let them wander. They glided down my neck, over my chest and stomach; her hands had been resting on my hips, but she moved them further down as she lowered herself.

I looked up at the ceiling initially. With every pore in my body pounding, I tried to control my trembling jaw. I was studying the small spots of mould above me, attempting to calm myself when I felt the softness of her lips brush my stomach. She inhaled deeply and pressed her mouth against the skin just under my bellybutton. I think I made a sound; gibberish words, a fusion of euphoric mumbles and sighs.

Her hot breath moved down, and she started to caress my legs as goosebumps exploded all over my body. I couldn’t focus my eyes to begin with. My bedroom became a blur as Esti’s mouth continued to explore further and further down. I was just starting to see spots in my vision when she pulled away from me and paused.

I took the opportunity to look down. She was on her elbows, waiting and watching me. Her bottom lip was puckered and parted from her top, she slowly allowed her fingers to stroke along my thigh. I raised my hips and even though I could barely breathe I asked her if she was all right. She nodded slowly and continued staring at me, her fingers lingering over the pale flesh of my legs.

She didn’t say anything when she leant into me, I noticed her eyes close as her face became obstructed by the curves of my body. She took a deep breath. I can’t remember what I felt first. Whether it was her hot, nervous tongue, her cool, shaking lips or the sensation of having her entire mouth pressed into the most sensitive part of my body.

The sensation was overwhelming. She was softly groaning and moving slowly and intently. I felt the depth of her emotion and intensity of her affection with each smooth movement of her mouth. My hands automatically moved to grasp her head. Her hair was soft and slightly damp at her temples. Her eyes were still closed as I felt her measured tongue grow in strength and confidence, her lips wrapped around something and my hips bucked, and my fingers clenched her hair.

‘Esti, Esti.’ I moaned her name; it made my tongue fizz. I said her name a few more times; it flowed like sugary syrup from my mouth. I gasped, and my entire body started rocking. As her tongue coasted over me, everything in my room appeared lighter and I felt a serenity deep within me. I could smell the sweet, summer air drifting in through the window, I could feel the warmth of the snug mattress beneath me, all the while the mellow, orange radiance of my bedside lamp soaked into the walls, cocooning us.

Her mouth suddenly sped up, catching me unaware. Her moans became higher and frantic, her arms looped under my thighs and she pulled me closer towards her. I made a conscious effort to breathe even though my lungs couldn’t take in too much. The warmth and wetness of her mouth kissing and lapping me where I was aching and pulsating, it made my eyes roll into the back of my head. It felt so different to her fingers; there was something so much more intimate about this act, but I could barely think about any of that.

I started to feel the exultant build-up of pressure again. The hard swell of indulgence pulsed inside me as Esti’s tongue managed to build up a consistent rhythm. She worked her mouth for several more minutes, each pull and push of her lips drove me closer and closer until my hips rose entirely from the bed and the crashing, blinding ecstasy flooded me. I tried to be quiet, but it took hold of me and I groaned loudly; I heard Esti whimper into my skin. Her mouth eventually slowed, and I continued to whine and pant for a while afterwards. I didn’t recover immediately, it was a protracted feeling that continued to vibrate within me for some time.

Esti sat up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand; she was blinking a lot and she looked dazed.

‘That was really fun.’ She said with a quivering voice, but I couldn’t speak yet. I could still feel the presence of her mouth on me. I gulped and nodded, that was all I could manage.

She stroked me lightly and continued to do so until she was laying on my chest. Her fingers played along my stomach and rested in the centre of my chest.

‘That was-’ my voice was croaking and crispy because of how dry my throat was. ‘That was really… really good. I- I want you to do it again.’

‘Really?’ Esti bolted up, her eyes were wide, and her mouth had curved at the corners.

‘If you want to.’

‘I do.’ She said quickly. ‘I really do.’

She did, and she continued to do it until we heard a car door slam outside, my father’s voice bidding someone goodbye and the front door creaking open.

 

‘Your cousin will be joining us this evening.’ My father stated several days after.

‘Fine.’ I said, not looking up from the book I was reading. I hadn’t spoken to him since he’d told me earlier that Esti couldn’t spend the night. I wasn’t in the mood to interact with him.

‘Also, the Sheins will be coming.’ He said, he sounded surprisingly chirpy. The Sheins were the new family that had moved into the community recently. Their daughter Deborah was in my year; she had a dreadful lazy eye. The Sheins also had a son called Caleb, who had become friends with Dovid.

‘If you think you can cook for that many people, then wonderful. If you cannot, you must tell me, and I can order from the Fisher’s deli.’

‘Order from the deli.’ I said, still attempting to read the same line for the fifth time.

‘Are you suggesting this out of laziness or have you considered cooking for seven people?’

I looked up at him with a bored face. ‘I considered it.’

He muttered something under his breath and left me alone in the living room. I stayed in there by myself for several hours, not absorbing any of the words on the pages. It was a book Esti had leant me, called ‘All-of-a-Kind Family’; a story about five Jewish sisters who lived in a place called Upper East Side in New York City. It was written for children, but Esti told me it had been her favourite book as a child, so I’d asked if I could read it. I’d been stuck on the same page for a long time; reading and re-reading a paragraph that made me feel queasy. I wasn’t entirely sure where New York City was, but it sounded disgusting and bleak.

_‘The East Side was not pretty. There was no grass. Grass couldn’t very well grow on slate sidewalks or in cobble stoned gutters. There were no flowers except those one saw in the shops of the few florists. There were no tall trees lining the streets. There were tall gas lampposts instead. There was no running brook in which children might splash on hot summer days. But there was the East River. Its waters stretched out wide and darkly green, and it smelt of fish, ships, and garbage.’_

I was relieved when I heard a knock at the door. I tucked the book under my arm and ran up to my bedroom.

‘Door!’ I shouted as I ran past my father’s study. I heard him grunt in response and then his coughing and spluttering start as he walked along the landing and descended the steps. As I placed the book on my shelf, I heard my father’s booming voice greeting our guests. I felt a sinking in my gut when I realised again that Esti wasn’t downstairs; I huffed loudly and made my way to dinner.

The Shein parents were making themselves comfortable in the kitchen with my father, so I went to the dining room to avoid them. Platters of food from the deli were laid out on the table and the entire room smelt pungent, like strongly seasoned fish and spiced grains.

Deborah smiled at me when I sat next to her; she was wearing her thick rimmed glasses that magnified her wonky eye. I felt sorry for her, but I didn’t think about it for long because I was distracted by Dovid and Caleb’s loud laughing and talking. I hadn’t been introduced to Caleb, but I had noticed him since they’d moved. Where Dovid was pale and had dark and harsh features, everything about Caleb was lighter. He had messy, honey coloured hair and a healthy caramel tint to his skin, he was slightly taller than Dovid and he didn’t seem shy. He also had two functioning amber coloured eyes, which made me feel even worse for Deborah.

‘Ronit.’ Dovid greeted me confidently and with a big grin. ‘Glad you finally decided to join us.’

He was talking down to me again, as though I was a stupid child; he’d started doing that recently. He was acting more and more like my father with each passing day and I loathed it. I stared at him for a moment before speaking. ‘You’ve got green stuff in your teeth, Dovid.’ I said while taking a sip of water.

Dovid’s smile immediately fell and he quickly brought his hand to his mouth, His ears went bright red and he was nervously picking in between his teeth; Caleb and Deborah started tittering.

‘Well, your hair is a mess. You look like you’ve just woken up.’ Dovid bit back with venom.

‘I wasn’t sleeping.’ I said, starting to smile. ‘But when I do need to sleep, I might just ask you to breathe on me. That’ll knock me out for weeks.’

Caleb guffawed, and Deborah tittered next to me, hiding behind her hand. Dovid went to speak again but Caleb interrupted him.

‘Hi Ronit, I’m Caleb.’ He said with a half-smile. ‘Deborah’s older brother.’

‘I know.’ I said, shuffling back on my chair. I rubbed my stomach, it was starting to rumble. ‘Hi.’

‘Deborah always comes home with stories about you.’ Caleb carried on. I frowned at that. I don’t think I’d ever had a conversation with Deborah, but then I wondered if she had spent any time listening to Keren.

‘What kind of stories?’ I asked, turning my head to Deborah, who had gone pink and was pointedly avoiding my gaze.

‘Funny ones mostly. She said you called a teacher’s wig cheap in front of the whole class,’ he said still smirking.

‘Oh, Mrs Ellner’s wig? Well, it was cheap.’ I said, triggering Caleb to chuckle again.

‘And there was… ah Deb, what was the one? About the speech?’

Deborah muttered something under her breath but none of us could hear her over the sound of my father’s coughing in the next room.

‘Speak up.’ Caleb ordered.

‘You shouted,’ Deborah spoke louder. ‘In class, you shouted about why a woman should be able to be a Rav.’

‘That was it! By far, my favourite story.’ Caleb exclaimed, leaning on the table with his wide arms. His voice was deeper than Dovid’s; he easily commanded the room.

‘Why is that your favourite?’ I asked, picking a thread of the tablecloth with my thumb and forefinger. My eyes flitted to Dovid, who had made his gums plum-red by how much he’d poked them. I stifled a smile.

‘Because it’s ridiculous.’ Caleb said. ‘Women can’t be leaders.’

‘Yes they can.’ I snapped back. ‘Of course they can. Women make better leaders than men.’

Caleb snorted.

‘Don’t laugh at me.’ I felt my forehead furrowing. Deborah shifted next to me, I felt her eyes on me.

‘I’m not. It’s… cute, that you think that.’

‘They do make better leaders!’

‘No they don’t.’

‘They do! What about Athaliah? Shelomziyyon Alexandra? Queen Helene? There are loads of women in our history that have ruled. There’re no law saying a woman can’t be Rav. It’s just our stupid society that dictates it.’

Caleb was still smirking at me, I started to feel the heat of irritation in my palms and the back of my neck. ‘You see?’ He said calmly. ‘You’re already losing your temper. Women are too emotional.’

‘Shut up Caleb.’ Deborah spat, which shocked me.

‘You see Dovid?’ Caleb repeated and gestured towards us while looking at Dovid, who had now stopped picking his teeth. ‘Look how upset they get.’

Dovid started smiling, which riled me even further. I was about to rant again, to give the same impassioned speech Deborah had already heard once before but at that point my father entered the dining room with Mr and Mrs Shein.

‘Ronit!’ My father was laughing, he had a glass of golden whisky in his hand. ‘Such a thunderous face! Wipe it off and serve dinner, would you please?’

He was being overly nice to me because the Sheins were new and hadn’t formed an opinion of us yet, of how odd we were. Perhaps he thought he was given me a chance to make a good first impression.

‘I can’t.’ I said, feeling my face relax. ‘I’ve sprained my wrist.’ It wasn’t a lie.

‘Oh dear, that’s no good.’ Mrs Shein uttered in a wispy, annoying voice. She had a cheap wig on too, but I didn’t mention it. ‘I can serve Rav, I’d be honoured.’

‘Nonsense. Ronit, it is lifting several spoons. I’m sure you can manage.’

I sighed and started serving dinner sloppily with my right hand, dropping couscous and vegetables lazily onto people’s plates while everyone helped themselves to the fish and chicken. My mouth started to water when I sat down and shovelled forkfuls of charred aubergine into my mouth. That’s when I looked up and caught Caleb staring at me, he was still smirking.


	17. The Others

When my mother and I arrived at the synagogue that Saturday I rushed up the stairs to the balcony, knowing Ronit would already be there. I wanted to get a seat next to her, it felt like an age since I’d seen her even though it had only been one day. When I got there, I looked to the usual spot she took right at the back of the gallery, and my stomach sunk. She was already flanked on both sides by Deborah and Shayna. She was staring ahead chewing something, her dark eyes looked like they weren’t focused on anything in particular and she was twirling a tress of of her thick, wavy hair, which looked almost auburn in the orange stained-glass light of the synagogue.

‘Esti, come and sit.’ My mother had caught up with me and commanded me to go with her to the middle bench. I kept my eyes on Ronit before I sat down, but she didn’t notice me. I spent the entire service moping; I barely heard a word the Rav said.

Afterwards I considered not waiting for Ronit. Inevitably I did, in the lobby downstairs, but I briefly considered not which was unusual for me. Normally she would battle other girls to save a spot for me, I wondered what was different about today.

‘Hello.’ I heard her husky voice greet me before I saw her. I turned sheepishly, eventually I looked up at her. She seemed taller today and she was smiling playfully. ‘You look pretty today.’ She leant in and whispered, her sugary breath tickled my cheek. We were still surrounded by everyone leaving the synagogue; in the corner of my eye I noticed Shayna staring at us, so I blinked away the flash of excitement in my stomach. 

‘Thank you.’ I muttered. ‘Why are your eyebrows red?’

‘Oh, are they still?’ She brought her hand up and rubbed her forehead. ‘I tried plucking them. I saw it in a magazine, I used a really old pair of tweezers. It fucking hurt.’

‘Why did you do that?’

She shrugged. ‘To make them look better.’

‘They already looked… good.’

‘Something can be good and still be better.’ She said bluntly. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘Nothing.’

‘There is.’ Her penetrating, brown eyes were locked onto me. ‘What is it?’

‘Why didn’t you save me a seat?’ I asked her quietly, aware of the babbling mouths around us. She started laughing.

‘I knew that would-’ She trailed off and sighed. ‘Deborah came and sat with me first, and I couldn’t tell her to go away because I feel sorry for her.’ She admitted. I was nodding slowly. ‘And then Shayna brought me a bag of jelly beans, so she paid for her seat.’ Ronit laughed at her own joke then, but I kept my face stony.

‘Maybe I should start bringing you sweets then, if that’s what it takes.’

‘Oh, don’t be like that. Come on, let’s go to the park.’

‘I-’

‘Are you going to the park?’ A harsh voice pierced our conversation quickly. It was Shayna, she’d slowly been encroaching on us and must have heard Ronit mention the park. ‘Can I go with you?’

I saw Ronit glimpse past Shayna and look towards where Mrs Finkel was standing; she was talking to my mother and a few other women. ‘Is your mum going to the park?’

Shayna nodded.

‘Then why don’t we all go?’ Ronit suggested, she looked back to me and smiled again, her eyes were twinkling. I couldn’t stop looking at the enflamed skin above and around her black eyebrows, although they did look shapelier, I wished she hadn’t hurt herself in doing it.

Shayna’s entire face had lit up and for a moment, I thought she looked more like her mother than I’d ever seen. That side of her must be more apparent when she smiled, I thought. I rolled my foot over a loose bit of carpet and pretended I wasn’t disappointed. I’d wanted to just go back to Ronit’s. I was yearning to touch her, begging to feel her warm skin on mine, desperate to taste her again.

At that point Dovid appeared, he was laughing with another boy, I think his name was Caleb; he was Deborah’s older brother. Caleb was tall and handsome, the fine, chiselled outlines of his tanned face distracted me, until I noticed Deborah lingering behind him.

‘Quite the sermon, wasn’t it?’ Caleb said, grinning and speaking directly to Ronit. ‘Think a woman could have done better?’

‘Without a doubt.’ Ronit said, her back was suddenly straighter as though she was attempting to match Caleb’s height.

‘You think a woman could have given that speech?’

‘Yes.’ Ronit spat. ‘And she would have done it without the disgusting wheezing, coughing and spluttering that my father gifted us all with.’ Everyone around us sniggered nervously, except for Caleb who remained smiling, showing a slight gap in his front teeth.

‘Maybe you should try and do a service.’ He suggested. ‘That would prove me wrong.’

‘Just because I’d be better at it than you doesn’t mean I want to do it.’

Finally, Caleb laughed. Everyone was watching the two of them, but I realised Dovid hadn’t stopped staring at me during the entire interaction, so I shifted partially behind Ronit, hiding myself from his view. He muttered something to Caleb and tried to edge away. Caleb stood for a moment longer.

‘What’re you doing now?’ Caleb asked, the question was solely directed at Ronit.

‘We’re going to the park.’

‘Maybe we cou-’ Caleb started.

‘It’s just girls, sorry.’ Ronit said. I thought I spotted a smile on her face, but sometimes when she grimaced or pouted her cheeks would spread like that, so maybe I was imagining it.

Shayna and I walked with Ronit in the middle of us, while the mothers trailed behind; my mother was slow at walking now and they kept having to stop so she could catch her breath. At some point on the slow stroll to the park, Deborah and another two girls called Ada and Miriam caught up with us as well. It was starting to feel crowded and I felt itchy and uncomfortable so I dropped away. Everyone was trying to speak to Ronit except for Shayna, who had fallen behind and into step with me.

‘What do you do at the park?’ Shayna asked me, still looking ahead.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You, and Ronit. What do you do?’

‘We just… I don’t know. We just sit and talk mostly.’

‘Do you kiss there?’ Shayna whispered.

I wished I could have controlled the flush that I felt instantly burning my face. ‘No.’ I said with a blunt tone.

I looked ahead to where Ronit was walking; she kept looking over her shoulder and smiling at me. I thought she was gesturing for me to join her, but I dismissed it quickly; I was probably imagining it.

‘I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you do.’ Shayna tried to reassure me. ‘I’m not like Keren.’

‘We don’t.’ I said with the same voice. ‘And you shouldn’t listen to Keren, she’s a massive liar.’

Shayna snorted. ‘Massive is right.’ I didn’t laugh with her. ‘You must be so happy all the time.’ Shayna said with a sigh, her long face was drawn out and sad, her shiny hair hung next to her cheeks.

‘Why?’

‘Because you’re the only one Ronit really likes.’ She said, scratching her nose.

‘Am I?’

‘She always wants to spend time with you more than anyone else.’

‘It doesn’t look like that right now.’ I mumbled, and Shayna stared ahead and then her head snapped back to me.

‘Is she mad at you?’ She asked, sounding almost excited.

‘No. I don’t know. I don’t think so.’

‘Everyone’s either talking about her or to her.’ Shayna said plainly. I only nodded. ‘Still, it must be nice. Having the prettiest girl at school want to spend time with you. You’re pretty too, but… it’s…’ She was stuttering.

‘You’re pretty as well Shayna.’ I said, feeling a strain in my voice.

She scoffed and scrunched up her face, making her look more like her father. ‘You’ll probably have a sleepover tonight, won’t you?’

‘I don’t think so.’ I said, trying to slow my pace deliberately so that I dropped several steps behind her. She didn’t take the hint and carried on walking at snail’s pace with me. She didn’t stop asking me about Ronit for the entire walk; at one point, just to escape I considered going back and walking with my mother, but I decided that was too desperate.

When we got to the park I floated on the outskirts of the group while they took seats in a circle on the dry grass. Ronit was immediately surrounded, so again I couldn’t sit near her. This time she clearly indicated for me to come closer, but I pretended not to see her; I’m not sure why I did that. I felt like making a point, though I wasn’t sure what point it was.

Instead of listening to the other girls talk and fawn over her, I watched the mothers take their seats in the picnic area where Ronit and I had kissed on that cold morning several weeks ago. The older women and those with young children always sat first. I noticed Mrs Finkel offer my mother the last space on the wooden bench and I felt a spill of shame in my stomach.

I heard Ronit performing loudly for the group behind me, joking about something brashly and arrogantly, and then it sounded like she was doing an impression of the Rav, which made everyone giggle. I endured being part of the flock for half an hour, maybe it was longer. I only noticed a change because of the mood of the weather. The morning clouds were burning away in the afternoon sun, providing our circle with the consistent beat of spring warmth. I noticed my legs were getting fizzy with pins and needles, so I stood up.

‘Where are you going?’ I heard Ronit voice call out over the babbling of the other girls; a small flicker of joy sparked inside me hearing that.

‘Home.’ I said, slowly raising my head to look at her. She was frowning, the red patches above her eyebrows looked like they were already fading, and the sun was bringing out the marble, carved shape of her jaw and neck. Even from this distance I noticed that her dark eyes were sheltered by her long curly eyelashes. I had to look away from her.

‘Why?’ She asked, sounding helpless.

‘I’m bored.’ I said, turning away without saying goodbye. I started walking towards my mother because I needed to get the keys for the front door. Though long before I reached the benches, I felt Ronit’s strong hand grip my arm.

‘Why are you going?’ She asked me again, her voice was lined with disappointment. She started chewing on her bottom lip and I watched her mouth for a moment before answering.

‘I told you, I’m bored.’ I repeated, trying to ignore her face again. I looked over her shoulder and saw the other girls looking at us. ‘You won’t miss me.’

‘What? What’re you- why didn’t you come and sit with me?’

‘There was nowhere to sit.’

‘I would’ve made Miriam move, or Deborah.’ Ronit gestured behind her.

‘No, that would have been cruel.’

She continued to frown at me. ‘Why are you being weird?’

‘I’m not being weird.’ I huffed. ‘You’re being weird.’

‘I… I’m not. If you want to go, let’s go together. We can go back to mine.’

‘No, I think- I think you’ll have more fun here.’ I uttered, stuffing my hands into my pockets while she gave me a lopsided smile.

‘I doubt that.’ She said, sounding sultry.

‘You’ll _definitely_ have more fun here.’ I flashed a smile to avoid the fact that I wanted to kiss her.

‘Then… you can come over later, when you get over… whatever this is. My father said you could stay tonight – I had to organise loads of old, dusty books in the library for it, but I did it.’

‘That’s… sweet. But I think I’ll stay at home tonight.’

‘Esti,’ she said my name softly and touched my hand with an intentional lightness, it made me shiver. Her head dipped, and she brought her face so close to mine, I could smell the sweetness of the jelly beans and a tangy perfume on her. ‘What’s wrong?’ She asked, her voice so low it was almost gravelly.

I couldn’t speak for a minute, the feel of her fingers and her face inches from mine made my heart feel fuzzy in my chest and I couldn’t form words in my head, let alone speak them. I didn’t want to tell her I simply wanted her attention. It seemed so petty. ‘Nothing’s wrong.’

‘Would you tell me if I’d done something?’

I nodded, she brought her lips together in a pout.

‘I wish you wouldn’t leave.’ She said, sounding more irritable now.

‘I am though. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Fine.’ She said, her arms dropping back to her sides. Her dark, shapely eyebrows were knitted together when I turned around to leave. I shuffled to my mother, who looked glad to be given an opportunity to leave.

‘I’ll come with you dear.’ She cooed with one of her rare smiles.

We walked slowly together in silence, when I reached the gates I peered over my shoulder to see if Ronit was still staring after me, but she was standing and laughing with someone else. Someone I instantly recognised. It was Caleb again. Something in my stomach ruptured, a thick, green envy coated my veins and I felt every inch of me burn. It was a minute or two before I noticed my jaw had clenched shut, making my back teeth ache.

I marched home, far ahead of my mother, on the verge of tears and in a sudden clutch of dreadful pain. The ache in my stomach didn’t cease, instead it started to spread to the tops of my thighs and my lower back. By the time we reached our road, I was on the verge of vomiting, the pain was so great. I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved several times before I flushed away nothing. 

I crumpled to the floor and curled up, I’d forgotten all about Ronit, the other girls and Caleb. My mind was entirely absorbed by the pain coursing through the bottom half of my body. I heard the faint tap of rain on the bathroom window.

‘Esti?’ My mother knocked lightly on the door. She sounded gentle and calm; it was unsettling. ‘Are you all right?’

‘My stomach hurts.’ I winced. ‘It doesn’t feel right.’

‘Oh darling.’ She went quiet, but I didn’t hear her walk away; instead the rain outside grew louder and harsher. ‘How old are you now?’ She asked. ‘Fourteen? Yes, that’s when it started for me too. We’re a family of late bloomers, you’ll find that out in time. Oh, poor thing.’

‘What is it?’ I whined.

‘Open the door sweetheart. I’ll explain.’

I reached up for the lock and clunked it back, my mother opened the door and sat on the floor with me, with no complaints of pain or stiff joints at all. She proceeded to explain what was happening. She used the words ‘severe pain’, ‘blood’, ‘unclean’, ‘dirty’, ‘impure’; they all floated around my head while a fist continued to clamp in my stomach. 

‘That’s why I go to _mikveh_ every month, dear. I’ve told you all about _mikveh_.’

‘You didn’t say it was this painful.’ I said, fighting back tears.

‘That’s because I have many other ailments that keep me busy. Now Esti, don’t cry. It’s a sign of weakness, there’s my girl. Keep your chin up. The pain doesn’t last very long.’

‘But it’s ev-every month?’

‘Mmhm.’

I groaned. I wanted to wail and sob, but that would have thrown my mother over the edge and I was enjoying the pressure of her hand on my back, even though I felt no authentic maternal warmth from it. It felt more clinical, the way in which a nurse would touch you if she was looking for bumps or lumps on your body.

‘Why don’t we call the Rav in a bit? Maybe you could go and see Ronit. That would cheer you up. They must have left the park now, it’s teeming down.’ My mother suggested casually. I never knew anymore, whether she was being genuine or laying a trap for me to stumble into.

‘Really?’ I asked her, wiping my eyes with the back of my shaking hand.

‘Well I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.’ My mother said. ‘Would you like that?’

I nodded, against my better judgement. I didn’t want to see Ronit but at the same time that was all I wanted, for the entire day.

‘Well good.’ My mother croaked as she slowly rose; I heard both of her knees click when she stood up straight. ‘I’ll get you some medicine, and then I’ll see if I can reach the Rav.’ My mother left and eventually returned to me with two small white pills, a glass of water and some odd white pad with a sticky back. I obediently took the pills and washed them down, I hesitantly took the pad and vaguely understood what I was to do with it.

‘I’ll go and call the Rav.’ My mother said, she patted my shoulder before she left. ‘Then I must see where your father has got to.’ I heard her say as she trailed off.

I eased myself up from the bathroom floor, shoved the pad into my underwear without looking and left the bathroom with a limp. I changed into comfier clothes, a long, woollen jumper and soft, black leggings; it made me feel slightly better, so I made my way downstairs.

‘-that’s- yes, thank you Josef. She’s-’ My mother turned when I reached the middle of the staircase. ‘-she looks like she’s ready to go now. And you say… wonderful. See you soon then.’

‘What’s happening?’ I asked, realising my hand was still holding my stomach; though I didn’t feel like crying anymore.

‘Your father is coming to pick you up now. He was at the Rav’s house. Ronit just got back apparently.’

‘Was she alone?’ I asked hastily.

‘Goodness, I don’t know dear. I didn’t ask. Why?’

‘No reason, it doesn’t matter.’

The wait for my father was drawn out, but I was grateful that the pain started to ebb away. I thought of the pills my mother had given me; breaking down and disintegrating into my bloodstream and making me numb. My mother had already gone to her bedroom, and I started to wonder if she’d offered me to go to Ronit’s because she wanted the house to herself. Either way, it didn’t matter to me. I sat by the window and saw my father’s car pull up along the pavement, the pouring rain making it look cleaner than it actually was. He didn’t even have to get out of the car because I was already darting outside and opening the passenger door before he’d even fully stopped the car.

‘Eager Esti?’ My father gave a half smile as he stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. I felt the fug of the smoke cling to my damp clothes but I didn’t care.

‘Was Ronit by herself when she got in?’

‘I believe so.’ My father said, pulling the car out into the road. ‘I saw the Finkel’s girl waiting outside, but I don’t think she was invited in.’

I sniggered and pretended it was a cough; I felt happier. The drive to Ronit’s house took hardly any time at all; the sky was black with rainclouds now, such a difference to an hour or so before. I thought about earlier and I started to relive all of my stupidity, the words I’d said, the actions I’d made, the walls I’d built around myself for no reason at all.

I tried to cast the foolishness aside as I said goodbye to my father and hopped out of the car. I walked slowly to Ronit’s front door with the rain crashing down on me, drenching my hair, my clothes and my backpack. I still felt the fading throb of pain in my lower back, but the joy I felt knowing I’d be seeing Ronit imminently, knowing that I could kiss her soon, that I could touch her, smell her, taste her.

The Rav opened the door just as a rush of pleasure heated my groin.

‘Esti.’ He said solemnly. ‘You’re drenched. Have you been waiting long?’

I shook my head and stepped inside, the warm, familiar  smokiness of the air propelled an almost nostalgic happiness inside me. That was the smell of happiness because that was the smell of Ronit’s house.

‘Is Ronit in her bedroom?’ I asked, hearing the raindrops drip from my hair and jumper onto the floor.

‘Always.’ The Rav replied. ‘Always in her bedroom these days.’

I removed my sodden shoes, bowed my wet head and climbed the stairs to Ronit’s room. When I reached her door, I pushed it to without thinking. She was laying on her bed with a book resting on her chest, her long, wavy hair was mildly damp but she’d changed into a long sweater like mine, though where I had leggings on, her legs were bare. The radio was on, playing a crackly song over a soft melody; the window was open and the sound of the clattering rain tapping the window provided her room with a calm tranquility. She sat up and looked at me standing in the doorway; she immediately brought her red lips into a pout.

‘Hi.’ She said, her voice was deep.

‘Hi.’

‘I’m surprised you’re here.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I felt like I’d misbehaved, stuck in a wedge of something that felt like shame. ‘I was- I wasn’t feeling well earlier.’

Ronit sat back and sniffed, she didn’t say anything so I carried on.

‘I was upset.’

‘Why?’

‘Just- it’s stupid. I just wanted it to… be me and you.’

‘I offered that.’ Ronit said. I was impressed at how stable her voice was, there wasn’t a hint of accusation in anything she said.

‘I know. I told you it was stupid.’ I waited a little bit and perched on the end of her bed. ‘I’m here now… and I’d… really like a hug.’

She looked at me again, her dark brown eyes caught mine and her lips curved at the corners. ‘You came all the way here just for a hug?’

‘Well, yes… at first.’

That made Ronit laugh, she put the book on her bedside table and opened her arms. Despite how cold and damp I was, she let me crawl on top of her; she pulled me in so that my head was tucked under her chin. I could smell her perfume, a faint trace of smoke and the fresh rain all at once and my body eased. I felt the tension fall out of my shoulders, and a soft pleasure floated inside me, making me feel dizzily happy.

‘I am glad you came over.’ Ronit said, her hands had linked together around my back. I started stroking the material of her sweater over her arms.

‘Me too. I really am sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’ Ronit started stroking my back. ‘I missed you after you left.’ Her fingers started working up more and more pressure. 

‘I missed you too.’ I sighed, as her other hand weaved it’s way under my sweater. A raspy shot of air left my mouth when I felt her hand rising up my back; I lifted my head to face her. Our lips touched almost instantly, her face was soft and warm and I moved up so I could take in more of her. Both of her hands were under my jumper now, and one of mine was holding her face. The sound of the radio and the rain covered the sounds of our mouths and Ronit’s quiet moans.

One of her hands naturally reached for down but I pulled back, breathless.

‘I ca- can’t.’

‘Why?’ She was frowning, her cupped hand suspended in between us.

‘I just can’t. Not today.’ She looked as though she might speak so I hurried on before she could ask me why again. ‘But can I do that thing again? With my mouth?’

Ronit’s eyes widened and she started nodding feverishly. ‘Yes.’

I could feel the excitement emanate between the two of us, it rose like steam and before I realised what I was doing, my hand was trailing up her thigh. We both shivered when I realised she wasn’t wearing underwear. I flexed my fingers, but not for too long; my tongue was already begging for her.

Automatically, my head turned to check that I’d closed her bedroom door. We’d never done it with the Rav in the house before, and there was an edge of risk which made me feel even more thrilled for some reason. Ronit edged down and started spreading her legs further apart; that was becoming my favourite motion. The acknowledgment, the permission and the desire that stemmed from her when she did that; the fact that she was letting me do something so intimate and precious; it gave me an unrelenting pulse all over.

I leaned in to kiss her, I moved from her lips to her neck, which smelt like fresh air and dry, summer grass. I passed over her chest, I didn’t lift it up as her bedroom was cold. I lowered my head as her legs stretched out either side of me. I heard her gasp several times as I moved down, my hair brushing her bare legs; I breathed hard when I reached her, and her hands flew to my face. Her palms were cold as they held my hot cheeks, I looked up at her; her eyes were narrowed, focussed on me and her mouth was open.

I’d done this several times now, it was still new; everything was still new. This though, this was something I intensely enjoyed. I think it was my favourite thing to do to her, it was definitely what I thought about the most. I brought my lips together and kissed her, making her quiver. I kissed her again, though this time I let my tongue roll over her and her chest rose and depressed silently. She was sweet and addictive, like nothing I’d ever tasted before but everything I craved. My tongue hardened and sped up. I moved it in the only way I knew how to; over that sensitive spot that made her jump. At one point, my mouth closed over it and her fingers gripped my hair tightly.

I could sense the strain in her, I could hear her pleading with herself to be quiet. I knew how she was feeling, I couldn’t help but keep my ears finely tuned to the sounds in the house around us. Every creak, every step, every clatter stopped me, but it gave Ronit time to calm and catch her breath, so it was probably for the best.

It was when I noticed the muscles in her thighs tense that I knew she was close. Keeping the consistent movement of my tongue, and breathing harshly through my nose, I closed my mouth over her again and took her all in. Her hips bucked, and I had to hold her legs to restrain her; her hands whipped from my face to her own, where she clamped them over her mouth. I heard her try to conceal a faint, sharp intake of breath before a high-pitched whine. My face heated up and I continued; I forgot where I was, and my own mouth started to form noises that I should have kept quieter.

Her thighs ended up pressed against my ears for a minute or two, while her entire body went rigid. She let them fall as her hands rested on her rapidly rising chest; the sound of her breathing filled the room now that the rain had stopped.

‘Come here.’ She panted, and I unquestioningly glided over her body and fell on top of her. My entire body was trembling, and my mouth and chin were wet, but she held my face and kissed me passionately. Her tongue deepened and found mine, our teeth clashed but it was all so raw and hungry that I relished it. I was so tightly pushed up against her that I immediately felt the sweltering build up inside me, and when her long, slender legs wrapped around me and she pulled me even closer, my hips started rocking instinctively.

It was so wonderful being there in that moment with her, I wondered what I had been thinking earlier, when I’d so easily cast her aside. Even an hour spent away from her was horrible; I couldn’t imagine leaving her for any longer. In that moment, whilst kissing her, I thought about everyone; the girls at school, Shayna, Caleb. Then as I moved my hand down her expectant body, I thought about her, and how I would do anything to keep her with me.


	18. The Drink

It was the fourth or fifth time the Sheins visited for Shabbat dinner that my father asked them what their intentions were for Caleb. He delved into the question shamelessly; he asked about Caleb’s future, he spoke at length about the responsibilities of a rabbi, the study of the Torah and the importance of the carrying forward its message to the next generation. It was dreadfully boring and repetitive. I knew my father had always wanted a son and I didn’t care, but the way he spoke sounded almost yearning and I found it embarrassing. I’d just taken a huge mouthful of spiced vegetables and rice when Mr Shein, with his wide, crooked smile and amused, bushy eyebrows, joked about marrying Caleb off to the Rav’s daughter.

The entire table laughed, except for Deborah; I instantly choked on the food in my mouth and pulled my face into a grimace. I glowered around the table as everyone continued to chuckle.

‘You see?’ My father said, laughing and gesturing towards me, wafting the acrid smoke from his pungent cigar around the table. ‘She already has perfected a wife’s expression.’

The adults continued to laugh and talk about Caleb for some time. I’d pushed my plate away while discomfort and irritation bubbled inside me like boiling water.

‘He has so much potential.’ My father rambled. ‘He and Dovid both, such smart, young men. They have so much ahead of them, so much to offer.’

‘We hope Caleb will achieve great things, Rav.’ Mrs Shein said; her voice was raspy and sharp, and she had a mass of lines around her mouth trailing to her pale lips; she must have been a heavy smoker. Her wig was dark and long, it framed her face well and I realised then that Deborah and Caleb must have inherited their pointed chins and defined jaws from her.

‘Of course he will.’ My father replied, raising his half-filled glass. ‘Of course. He will do great, great things.’

‘What about Deborah?’ I asked, creating a sudden crevasse of silence in the dining room. I kept my expression light, I asked as though the question was innocent even though it was laced with barbed intention. No one spoke; I felt Deborah shift next to me and I saw Caleb grinning across the table. ‘Well? What about Deborah?’ I asked again with a slight shrug of my shoulders.

‘Ronit-’ My father rested his glass down and went to rub his eyes.

‘I’m just curious.’ I said, scratching my chin. Mr and Mrs Shein were staring at me, they looked uncomfortable, but my eyes flitted to Caleb’s amused face. ‘Do you think Deborah will do great things as well?’

‘Ronit-’ My father said again, with more impatience in his tone.

‘Or will she just become someone’s wife, have a million children and-’

‘Ronit!’ My father’s voice was loud and harsh.

‘What?’ I turned to him, my shoulders arched defensively. Deborah sat between us; her back was hunched, and her light hair hung low, but she was peering up at me over the top of her new glasses; they made her wonky eye look better.

‘You are showing off and embarrassing yourself.’ My father stated.

‘I am not showing off, I-’

‘Be still and be quiet, Ronit.’ He spat every word.

‘Like a good wife?’ I said, almost laughing. I felt our guests’ eyes on the both of us, but I didn’t care. I stood up and my chair scraped along the floor loudly. ‘I’m going to my room.’

My father didn’t respond, but as soon as I left the dining room I heard him apologise for my behaviour. I detested that more than anything. How can someone else apologise for your actions. I wasn’t sorry, so how could he be? I slammed my bedroom door hard when I reached my room, it made the entire house shudder. I went to my dresser and pulled out the stolen packet of cigarettes from my father’s study; I took one out went to sit on my windowsill. I yanked the handle and pushed the window open, breathing in the humid air that smelled of dead leaves and daffodils. I sparked the end of the cigarette and inhaled it, in the same way Esti had taught me so long ago now. Cigarettes were becoming more and more of a vice recently; they took me away from my own stifling mind, somewhere else that wasn’t Hendon. I was halfway through it when I heard a knock on my door, I knew it wasn’t my father – he would never have knocked.

‘What?’ I said, uncaring as to who it was.

The door handle dipped, and Caleb’s face peeked in. ‘Hello.’ He said with a grin.

‘What do you want?’ I said, taking another pull on the cigarette. ‘If you’re coming in, close the door.’

  Caleb nodded and stepped inside, shutting the door quietly behind him. He studied my bedroom for a second before stepping inside. ‘Nice room. I like the sunflower.’ He nodded casually towards Esti’s painting. ‘Can I have some of that?’ He asked pointing to the cigarette in my hand, I sighed.

‘Fine. There’s not much left though, so don’t hog it all.’

Caleb snorted and leant out of the window, he took the cigarette from me, put it between his own lips and blew a stream of grey out into the evening. He inhaled it deeply. ‘You were funny just now.’

‘I wasn’t trying to be funny.’

‘I know.’ He took another long drag of the cigarette before handing it back to me. His hands looked strong, each rung of his fingers was well defined, and he had protruding veins overlapping on the back of his hands. ‘I don’t mean ha-ha funny, I mean… peculiar funny.’

‘Why peculiar? I was just telling the truth, I was being honest.’

‘That’s why it’s peculiar.’ Caleb stood up then; he was standing so close to me that his hand brushed my knee as he did so. ‘It’s interesting to hear a girl speak so freely.’

‘Yes, I know. It’s _shocking_ that girls can talk, isn’t it? Why did Hashem give us voices at all?’ I said, stubbing the cigarette out on the stone wall outside. Caleb laughed, and his head fell to one side playfully. ‘I would talk your father out of the idea of you marrying me.’ I said, throwing the cigarette into the garden. ‘I wouldn’t make a good wife.’

‘At least you wouldn’t be dull.’ He said, his eyebrows raised slightly. I felt a slight flutter in my stomach that I tried to swallow away.

‘Dull or not, I’m never getting married.’

‘Why?’

‘Because, who actually ever wants to get married? It’s what we’re told to do.’ I was still sitting on the windowsill, I lifted my skirt up to scratch my thigh and Caleb looked away; I smiled and didn’t pull the hem back down, leaving it bunched up in my lap.

‘Sometimes men and women actually do like each other.’ Caleb said, still staring at the wall above me. ‘And they decide to get married because of that.’

I scoffed. ‘Maybe that’s how it works for men. Even if the woman halfway likes the man, it’s never by choice really.’

Caleb shrugged. ‘My parents love each other.’

‘Congratulations.’

That made him laugh. ‘You’re so stubborn.’

‘You see?’ I said, getting up and stretching my arms above my head. ‘Terrible wife.’

‘Everyone likes a challenge.’ 

We were standing opposite each other now under the harsh white light that hung in the middle of my ceiling, I was tall, but he was taller. I didn’t want to talk about marriage with him anymore, I didn’t want to talk about his future or my future; I just wanted to look at him. He gave me a curious feeling, a good feeling that had less to do with him and more to do with how he made me feel.

‘Me and Dovid are going to Brent Park tomorrow after service. We found an old shack by the river, you should come. And you should bring the Halper girl.’ He paused for a moment. ‘Dovid’s sweet on her.’

That made me scoff again. ‘Yeah, I know he is.’ I said, suddenly thinking of Esti again, I thought of her face pressed into the skin of my neck, chest and in between my legs. I took a leaden breath before speaking again. ‘Maybe. I’ll see how I feel.’

‘I’ll see you tomorrow then.’ Caleb pushed some of his golden hair back and turned to leave. ‘Oh, Deborah wanted me to ask you if you’d like to have a sleepover with her. She was too nervous to ask herself.’

‘Sure, maybe.’

‘You don’t like committing to much, do you?’ Caleb asked through a chuckle.

‘Not really.’ I said, feeling myself smirk. He left me alone in my hazy, smoky bedroom, leaving behind his aroma; it was deep and rich, there was almost a certain saltiness to it. I thought about him for a while after he left, I realised I was frowning a lot as I did so. Then my thoughts naturally drifted to Esti, and I found myself on laying on my bed, with my hand in between my legs.

 

To my relief, Esti turned up at the synagogue the next day early, and without her mother. Shayna was already sitting next to me on the front bench when she arrived.

‘Hi.’ She greeted me with a sweet, simple smile, her cheeks had been touched by the sun over the past week; she had a glow. ‘How was last night?’

‘It was fine.’ I said, shuffling closer to her. ‘My father was an arse but that’s not news.’

Esti sniffed and moved closer to me as well. We both peered over the side because a group of men below had started guffawing at something; Shayna copied us and leant over the ledge. When I looked down, I immediately caught sight of Caleb who was staring up at the gallery. He waved at me, I only smiled back.

‘How was Caleb last night?’ Esti asked when we sat back.

‘Fine.’

‘Did you two…’ she paused and touched her neck. ‘Do anything fun?’

‘Fun?’ I looked at her, she was staring ahead with her mouth slightly tightened. I had the urge to tuck her hair behind her ear, but I didn’t. ‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know. Did you do anything?’

‘We smoked a bit, in my bedroom.’ I whispered. ‘That was it.’ I said. Esti’s focus dropped to her lap, she was nodding. ‘He invited us to Brent Park after this,’ I carried on. ‘If you wanted to go.’

‘Are you sure I was invited?’ Esti said, her lips looked almost invisible.

‘Yeah, he told me to invite you.’ I said, not relaying the reason why. ‘You should come, it’ll be fun. I’d like it if you did. And then afterwards you can come back to min-’

‘Ronit, sweetheart.’ Mrs Finkel had reached across Shayna and touched the back of my hand. ‘Quiet now.’ She spoke gently, and her fingers were warm; I felt a blush tickle my cheeks and I went silent.

The service started, it dragged on and it ended, the same way it did every Saturday. I didn’t listen to a word, and I got the feeling that Esti was distracted as well. I spent the majority of the time stroking her hand with my thumb. By the time the service finished, I wanted to touch Esti so much that I considered suggesting we hide in the gallery until Caleb and Dovid got bored of waiting for us, but we had to leave. We made our way to the lobby, Shayna and a few other girls lingered around us until Caleb showed up with Dovid, then they dispersed, looking disappointed.

‘Are you ready then?’ Caleb asked me while tugging on the straps of his backpack; it made an odd clinking sound. He was standing tall again, his sharp chin was raised, and his loose, white shirt was rolled up to the elbows, exposing his tanned, veiny arms. ‘Those shoes aren’t appropriate.’ He said, pointing at my feet. ‘Didn’t I mention it’s really muddy down there?’

‘No, you didn’t.’ I said, looking down. I was in my scuffed black service shoes, they had velcro straps, but one had been mended messily with tape. Caleb was wearing navy hiking boots that were caked in dried mud. I don’t know why, but I felt a rush of excitement knowing that he had worn them during service. ‘I don’t care anyway.’

‘No… I didn’t think you would.’ Caleb replied, smirking.

‘Are you coming Esti?’ Dovid said, stepping forward.

‘I- yes.’ Esti replied in a small voice.

Dovid smiled at Esti, but she wasn’t looking at him. I glimpsed Caleb, he was staring at me.

‘We should head there now, before it rains.’ Caleb said, waiting for me to take the first step.

We set off, I made a point of remaining next to Esti, even when Caleb tried to walk alongside me on the narrowing pavement. I kept having to remind myself not to hold her hand on our way to the park, even though I really wanted to. It started to get boring on the walk there; Esti didn’t talk at all and Caleb had drifted back to an overexcited and annoyingly overconfident Dovid. I huffed several times, but no one asked me what was wrong, I got frustrated at that.

Caleb eventually led us off the main gravel footpath and into a patch of woods that sloped down towards the riverbank. He was ahead of Esti and I, talking to Dovid about the community he and Deborah had lived in before.

‘- it was a lot less… intense than here.’ He said, rolling a leaf in between his fingers and letting it crumble along the wet, muddy path we were trekking down. ‘There doesn’t seem to be much for us here, for people our age, what would you normally do after service?’

‘Nothing.’ Dovid said sombrely, insecurely. ‘It is quite boring here sometimes.’

‘Wow Dovid.’ I called ahead. ‘I’m shocked. What would the Rav say?’ I asked.

‘Shut up Ronit.’ Dovid said, twisting back but continuing to walk.

‘You find me boring Dovid?’ I said, imitating my hurt father, it was making Caleb laugh, and even though Esti’s head was tucked down I saw her smile; I had no intention of shutting up. ‘But what about our post-service coffee sessions, Dovid?’ I continued in the same faux deep, croaky Hebrew accent. ‘Do they mean nothing to you? After everything I have taugh-’

‘Ronit, shut up!’ Dovid said, stopping and facing me; rage painted on his face.

‘Oh calm down, Dovid.’ I said, grinning, knowing exactly what I was doing. ‘You’re _such_ an old woman sometimes.’

‘She has no respect.’ I heard Dovid whisper to Caleb once we’d carried on. I chuckled and touched Esti’s hand with the back of mine; she let me, so I linked my little finger with hers. She let me do that too.

‘It’s just down here!’ Caleb shouted back to us. Esti kept her finger wrapped around mine, which surprised me, but I enjoyed it. It gave me a rush of confidence, and as we lingered and fell behind the boys, I wondered if I could get away with kissing her.

To get to the abandoned shack we had to manoeuvre down a short, steep bank which was shrouded by low hanging willow trees. The ground was wet and slippery, but it gave me the opportunity to hold Esti’s hand properly. Dovid and Caleb had already reached the bottom and were standing by the water’s edge; the day was calm, and the river looked like a thin pane of glass reflecting the white, cloudy sky. I wrapped my hand in the tress of a willow branch as Esti shakily edged down the driest patch of the slope, using my hand for balance. Dovid was holding his hand out for her to grab, but she didn’t take it.

Once she reached the paved surface next to the river, I tried to get down. The second I let go of the tree, I slipped on a deep, squelchy patch of soil. I heard Esti gasp and Dovid started laughing. My legs split apart, and my arms flew out wildly as I prepared myself to slide all the way to the bottom, but Caleb had lurched forward and stepped onto the bank, he grabbed my arm before I could drop onto the soil.

His grip was firm, but gentle; it warmed my entire body. ‘I didn’t need your help.’ I said, wrenching my arm away from him once I’d regained my balance.

‘Yeah, it looked like you planned that.’ Caleb retorted. I brushed my skirt down and kept my head bent because I knew I had gone red, Dovid was still chuckling.

‘Stop laughing or I’ll throw you in the river.’ I said, raising my head and facing him.

‘I see the Rav’s sermon on the importance of family resonated with you.’ Caleb said, I could still feel the remnants of his hand on my arm. ‘The shack is this way. Don’t slip into the river, I didn’t bring my scuba suit.’ A smile spread across his face as mine fell into a frown.

‘Are you all right?’ Esti asked me as we walked along the riverbank.

‘I’m fine.’

‘I should have tried to help you.’ She said, I think she was trying to touch my hand again.

‘I didn’t need help! The worst thing that could have happened is I would have got a muddy arse.’

‘You might have fallen into the river.’

‘No, I would have slid towards Dovid and knocked him in.’

Esti laughed and stroked my hand, it sent shivers up my other arm, the one that wasn’t still burning from Caleb’s touch. I felt a stir of some exhilaration inside me and I didn’t know why.

I scoffed loudly when we reached the shack. Though it stood taller than Caleb and looked surprisingly secure, it was still a rusted, ramshackle structure sitting in the middle of a forest of willows. It had clearly been put together by a bunch of bored teenagers, given the amount of crushed beer cans, cheap vodka bottles and cigarette butts scattered around it. There was no door to it, just a gaping hole in the front with three old school-chairs sitting inside it.

‘It’s not too bad, is it?’ Caleb said, tapping the side of the shack, making the metal clang and echo.

‘It smells.’ Esti replied, bringing her sleeve to her face.

‘That’s just sewage from the river.’ Dovid said, almost proudly. ‘You’ll get used to it.’

‘Why did we come here?’ I asked. ‘There’s a dump behind my house, we could have gone there, it’s much closer.’ I kicked one of the cans along the leaf-littered ground, disturbing a flock of birds above us.

‘Because we couldn’t do _this_ behind your house.’ Caleb said, unzipping his backpack and lifting out a half-filled, green, glass bottle. I instantly recognised it; my father had a cupboard in his study filled with them. I sensed Esti’s back stiffen; in my periphery she looked frozen, even her chest had stopped moving. ‘I even brought cups.’ Caleb said.

We moved into the shack; it was just big enough for all four of us to fit inside comfortably. Dovid stood awkwardly while Caleb poured out brandy and Esti and I took seats on the rickety chairs. The air had a silent chill to it in the iron shade, it made the hairs on my arms stand up. It was eerily quiet in the woods too, as though we were the only ones around for miles.

‘Here we are.’ Caleb handed out three plastic cups of the amber liquid with his trademark grin. The smell wafted around us, stinking of harsh chemicals and reminding me of my father’s breath. I inhaled with a slight shake.

Esti took her cup and I saw her lips come together, it was a half-grimace, half-pout.

‘You don’t have to-’ I started to speak, to try and soothe her.

‘It’s fun, Esti! Try some!’ Dovid interrupted me, swilling his drink like a moron.

‘She doesn’t have to try anything, Dovid.’ I spat. ‘You don’t have to drink it.’ I leant in and whispered to her. She only shook her head.

‘Are you going to?’ She asked me with her small voice. I nodded, and she pursed her lips tighter. ‘Okay.’ With that, she knocked back a gulp of the brandy. Her face contorted, and she gagged several times. ‘That’s… repulsive.’

Dovid was watching on in awe and Caleb was nodding and biting his bottom lip. ‘It gets better. You’re going to need a top up sooner than I thought.’

 

The cool, grey afternoon played out, and all of us laughed and talked… well, Caleb and I talked the most, and we each sipped and winced at our drinks until the bottle ran dry. I noticed my speech was slurring and my vision was growing fuzzy. It was a strange sensation; like I was stepping outside of my own body, and suddenly everything I did was automatic. Esti had started to sink into her chair, giggling and mumbling; at one point she put her hand on my leg but immediately retrieved it.

Caleb seemed fine the entire time, the drink barely affected him, but Dovid grew more and more stupid and irritating. He said a few things that annoyed me, but I countered them with jokes and impressions and when I saw both Caleb and Esti laughing, it filled me with so much joy that I didn’t even care that Dovid was upset.

It was when Caleb brought out the cigarettes that things turned for the worst. We smoked it in turns, though Dovid barely inhaled it at all. By the time Esti had her second puff, all colour drained from her face, her skin turned deathly white and she made an odd gurgling sound in her throat.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked, feeling my mouth move slower than my brain could comprehend. We were all quiet now, attention had homed in on Esti.

She shook her head slowly and closed her eyes. ‘No.’ She breathed the word.

‘She’s fine, she just needs some wate-’ Caleb started.

‘Esti, do you… do you want me to… take you home?’ I asked her, ignoring Caleb; my tongue felt thick and misplaced in my mouth and my eyes were half closed. The boys were staring at us; I noticed then that both of my clammy hands were resting on her thighs.

‘Your house.’ Esti mumbled, through snow-white lips. ‘Please.’

I nodded and took her hand. ‘We’re going.’ I said, standing up quickly. That was a mistake, I almost toppled over entirely. Caleb reached out and grabbed me again and I sighed without meaning to.

‘We’ll walk you back.’ Dovid said, but I held up my trembling hand as I pushed myself away from Caleb.

‘No,’ I slurred. ‘Stay here. I have to get Esti to… she has to lie down.’

‘But I-’

‘Dovid, leave them.’ Caleb said, leaning against the inside wall. ‘I hope you feel better, Esti.’ He said, but Esti was beyond hearing him; her arm was draped around my shoulders, she was still standing but looking as though her jelly knees were going to give out at any minute.

Getting her back up the hill was a struggle, but luckily, she was so limber and light I could carry us both up there using one of the stronger willow branches again. She didn’t speak at all on the way back, she only made odd little moans and noises. We got halfway through the woods when she finally vomited against a tree. It was pure liquid, and it must have burned her because she groaned in pain.

‘Do you feel better?’ I asked, rubbing her back and holding her hair. She only nodded slightly but remained bent over. Seeing her like this made me feel less dizzy and sick myself.

‘I’m sorry.’ I heard her mutter.

‘Don’t be.’ I said, with a hiccup. ‘Don’t be.’

‘I didn’t mean to ruin your- your fun.’

‘You are my fun.’ I said, keeping my hand on her lower back. She stood up slowly and faced me; some colour had returned to her pale cheeks. She looked beautiful, despite the puddle of bile behind her.

‘You’re my best friend, Ronit.’ She said, her green eyes weren’t focused, but I knew she was trying to look at me.

‘You’re my best friend, Esti.’ I replied. I took in her entire face; her glassy, shimmering eyes, her pink lips, the softness of her expression.

She looked like she wanted to say something else, as though it was on the tip of her tongue, as if she had already painted the words in her mind but her mouth didn’t want to reveal them. I leant in and pecked her lips.

‘I just threw up.’ She said with a coy smile, once I’d pulled away.

‘I know. I don’t care.’ I kissed her again, holding her sweaty face and running my fingers through her slightly damp hair. She started giggling again and kissed me back. It was only several seconds before she nudged me away.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbled, her hands were gripping my arms as though she entirely needed me for the support. ‘I get dizzy, if I close my eyes.’

‘Keep them open then.’ I joked, holding her waist. She chuckled and started to cough. ‘My father will still be out. Come home with me- I’ll- I’ll look after you.’ I said, still hiccupping. She nodded, and her hand dropped to mine.

Somehow, we made it home; we held hands the entire time, neither of us cared when we passed people. In all honesty, I don’t think either of us registered anyone else at all.

I took her to my bedroom and laid her on the bed; she gave a huge sigh of relief and immediately removed her tights and cardigan. I went to get her a glass of water and when I returned, she had burrowed underneath the covers. She still looked unwell, but at least now she looked happy. I think she was going to ask me to join her, but she didn’t need to. I’d already taken off my own tights and jumper before she had a chance to.

I forgot about Caleb when I felt her legs on mine, when she folded herself into my arms, and when I felt her face press into my chest. I kissed the top of her head; I knew she was in no fit state to do more, but I didn’t want anything more than this. It reminded me of the days before we’d even kissed, the days when I would just hold her and want nothing more than just the closeness, the proximity.

‘This is all I wanted… all day.’ She murmured.

‘Me too.’ I said. I breathed in the familiar floral scent of her hair, and soon after I heard her fall into a slumber. She slept until the sky turned black, I held her the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight pause in between chapters.
> 
> I am loving writing this story and I want to see it through until the end. I hope you're all loving it as much as I am.
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> CN


	19. The Party

The week before my grandfather Levi’s birthday, my mother, in one of her fits of enthusiasm and optimism, suggested that we host a party for him at our house. I knew immediately it was a bad idea; our home was stuffy, poky and cluttered, but she made snappy, ambitious decisions like this in her high moods and then cursed everyone and everything around her during her lows. I was growing used to dealing with it, the constant swings and her apparent memory loss, though I still didn’t entirely understand why it was happening. Whenever I asked my father about it, he would always say the same thing.

‘Her mind is delicate, Esti. Just be patient with her.’

I was, but it was difficult.

On Sunday morning, the day of my grandfather’s party, I woke up early and called Ronit before my father and mother woke up. We had started doing that on the weekends we weren’t allowed sleepovers. Though it wasn’t a substitute for waking up cradled in her arms, I did enjoy the solitary sound of her voice. When we spoke over the phone, I could focus on what she said and how she said it instead of being distracted by her eyes, her lips and her body. She always spoke in a low voice, it flowed so melodically and confidently; it was rich and soothing, it made me think of hot chocolate on wintery evenings.

‘Good morning.’ Her husky, sleepy voice answered after the dial tone had barely thrummed once.

‘Good morning.’ I replied, feeling myself smiling already. I was in the living room, curled up in my father’s brown, cracked leather chair with a well-thumbed book in my lap. The morning sun was just peeping through the tops of the curtains, forcing me to squint slightly. ‘So, what did you dream about?’ I asked her.

I heard her yawn, she smacked her lips a few times. ‘Not this again.’ She scoffed. ‘Dolphins.’ She said eventually. ‘Lots of them, swimming and jumping up to catch the fish I was throwing at them.’

‘Dolphins?’  I questioned, flicking to the ‘D’ section of the book; it was a thick, yellowing, paperback called ‘The Meaning of Dreams’. I’d found it in the library after I’d had weeks of recurring dreams that I was floating in the ocean.

‘Mhm.’ She yawned again.

‘ _To see a dolphin in your dream symbolises spiritual guidance and emotional trust_.’ I read the line from the page, only to hear Ronit snort.

‘You’re just like Shayna and her palm reading.’

‘I am not.’ I said, letting my finger run over the page while my grin widened. ‘Shayna thinks palms can tell you something, but they can’t. The brain is everything, the brain is what we are… dreams mean something.’

‘Right.’ Ronit said, I heard her stretching. ‘And I suppose it’s definitely to do with emotional trust and nothing to do with the dolphin videos we watched at school the other day?’

‘Well,’ I said, closing the book. ‘Everything is connected.’

She sniffed, maybe it was a laugh. ‘You’re cute.’

‘Is the Rav home?’ I asked, feeling that relaxed warmth that sparked in my stomach whenever Ronit said anything like that.

‘Yes, snoring _again_.’ She yawned again. ‘I want to cut his nose off.’

‘Ronit!’ I said, only half shocked that she would say something like that.

‘What? It’s shaking the entire house!’ She whispered harshly, though I could tell she was smiling.

‘Cutting his nose off wouldn’t do anything anyway.’ I said. ‘Snoring comes from the throat.’

‘See, this is why we’re such a good team.’ She said, and I felt that same happiness stir. There was a small pause, and I swore I heard the Rav’s snoring over the phone. ‘What time does the party start again?’

‘Three o’clock.’ I replied with a sigh.

‘How’s your mum been?’

‘Stressed.’

Ronit didn’t say anything then. I don’t think she ever knew what to say when my mother acted out, though it was more likely she did have something to say, but she didn’t, in order to preserve my feelings.

‘It’ll be fine.’ She said eventually. ‘I can’t wait to see you.’

‘I can’t wait either.’

‘Who else is coming?’

‘My mother invited everyone.’ I said, keeping my voice low as I heard a creak above me. ‘ _Everyone_.’

‘Will Caleb be there?’ Ronit asked, and my back stiffened. I started tugging a loose thread on my dressing gown.

‘I don’t know.’ I replied. ‘Why?’

‘Just curious.’

I took a deep breath and tried to ignore it, I was probably overreacting again. ‘My mother ordered trays and trays of food from the deli as well; far too much. I don’t know what she was thinking. The Rav is coming to give him an a _liyah_ too.’

‘Yeah, I heard him talk about that. Your grandad is turning 90, it’s a fairly big one.’

‘My mother probably just-’ I was interrupted then; the living room door opened, and to my relief, my father poked his head in. He only asked me if I wanted some toast, and then he left again. ‘I should go now.’ I said. ‘My father is awake.’

‘I’m coming over before the party starts, aren’t I?’ She asked hastily.

‘Yes, if you still wanted to.’

‘I do.’

‘Then I’ll see you later.’ We said goodbye, but still lingered longer than we should have. I imagined kissing her on my way to the kitchen.

‘Was that Ronit?’ My father asked, the kitchen smelled like burnt toast. He was already fully dressed in his normal corduroy trousers and dark green cotton jumper. I only nodded in response. He was peculiarly tolerant when it came to Ronit; much unlike my mother. ‘Is she coming to the party?’ I nodded again and took a seat at the table.

‘It is her birthday soon isn’t it?’

‘19th May.’ I replied quickly.

‘What will you get her?’

‘I- I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.’ That was a lie, I had thought about her birthday a lot. I had been trying to think of something exciting for us both to do, striving to think of the best present I could give her, or more likely make for her.

‘Well,’ he dug a hand into the pocket of his trousers and brought out his old, tattered wallet. He pulled a £20 note from the inside sleeve and placed it onto the table. ‘Maybe you can get her something with this.’

‘Are- you didn’t- that’s a lot of money dad.’ I said, staring at the note in awe.

He shrugged and put his wallet back into his pocket. ‘You don’t get too much pocket money, Esti. And you’re a good girl. I’m sure you’ll find something lovely for her.’

‘Thank you, dad.’ I said, feeling a foolish smile widen on my face. I slid the note towards myself; my brain now flooding with ideas of gifts.

‘That’s fine, sweetheart.’ He finished his mouthful of toast and pulled out a cigarette. ‘Just don’t tell your mother.’

‘Never.’ I said, and that made him laugh a lot.

 

*

‘Esti, for goodness sake!’ My mother spat as she entered the dining room, her crooked hand slammed onto the tablecloth I was straightening out. ‘I said use the red and gold tablecloth!’

‘I told you I couldn’t find that one.’ I said, not looking at her; my voice was laced with impatience already.

‘No, you mustn’t have, because if you had, I would have told you that the red and gold tablecloth is in the cupboard under the stairs and-’

‘And then I told you it wasn’t, and then you said that I could use the blue one.’

‘I don’t like your tone, Esti.’ My mother retorted, I could feel her eyes burning the back of my head but I daren’t look round. ‘We keep the gold and red for special occasions and you are not-’

‘Polli.’ My father had entered the room now, his voice just as irritable as mine. ‘Dear, calm down. It’s only a tablecloth.’

She gave an exasperated sigh and muttered under her breath, then her voice grew suddenly louder. ‘I have to go to the deli to collect the food. Josef, can you start the car now please? It needs to be cool for the fish.’

My father did as he was told and left me and my mother alone again. She touched the tablecloth once more and said, ‘I suppose this will do.’ I was glad she couldn’t see my eyes roll back.

They had only been gone for ten minutes when the door knocked. It was a loud, thumping knock in a certain tune, it was Ronit’s knock. I darted to the door as my heart raged in my chest.

I opened the door and felt my eyebrows shoot up. She was wearing a navy pinafore dress, with a long white sleeved t-shirt underneath. Her long, wavy hair had been brushed and tenderly swept back, revealing the shape of her square jaw. Her cheeks looked pinker, her lips redder and her eyes were dark and smoky; I could have fallen into them.

‘Are you wearing make-up?’ I asked her, though I wasn’t sure how my mouth was making the sounds.

‘I found some in my mum’s old boxes.’ She was beaming. ‘Do you like it?’

‘You look… you look really nice.’ I said in a quiet voice, my eyes fell to her waist and then to her legs, which had been covered by dark tights.

‘You look beautiful too.’ She said, stepping into the house. ‘Are your mum and dad out?’

I nodded and closed the door behind her. ‘They just went to the del-’ I didn’t finish the sentence, because she pressed her lips against mine. I immediately took her in with a small groan, my hands found her hips and our bodies drew together. Her head moved swiftly from side to side as her hands crept up to hold my face, forcing another small noise from my mouth.

When she pulled away, with her hands still cradling my cheeks, she started to laugh as she stared at my mouth. ‘You’re wearing lipstick now.’ I put my hand on the back of her head and kissed her again.

We went to my bedroom and laid on my bed; it was novel and exciting having her there. It was rare I got to have her there and I relished the smell she left on my pillows. At first, we only talked; she told me that her mother’s camera had finally broken, after months of it misbehaving and being slow.

‘My father will probably blame me for it, even though it’s a century old and it was bound to break one day.’

‘Maybe you could ask for a new one for your birthday.’ I suggested. She only scoffed and continued to stroke my neck, her fingers trailed the sensitive skin just under my ear.

When that conversation rounded up, I told her that my mother had been a complete pain, that I was worried about her coming back and wondering if she would deteriorate further throughout the day. Ronit only listened to me speak, without interrupting.

‘Sometimes I wonder…’ She said once I’d finished; she stopped almost immediately, and I felt her seize slightly.

‘What?’

‘No, it’s nothing.’

‘Tell me, please.’ I said, swirling my fingers over her knee.

‘No, I can’t. It’s awful.’ She said with a nervous laugh.

‘What is?’

‘Sometimes I just… I wonder whether it’s easier to not have a mother.’ She said, her laughter had ebbed.

‘Why do you say that?’

‘It just… sounds easier.’ There was a pause. ‘Sometimes I wish I was an orphan.’ She spoke in an abrupt voice, a tone that made the words sound new to both me and her; as though she’d never spoken them before.

I couldn’t argue with her, though I felt compelled too. Surely having parents, no matter how bad they were was better than having no parents at all.

‘That is awful, Ronit.’ She shrugged it off and her hand moved lower, sliding over my waist. ‘You don’t mean that.’

‘Maybe I don’t.’

‘Then why did you say it?’ I felt myself frowning.

She gave a husky laugh and exhaled through her nostrils. ‘I don’t know. Ignore me.’ Her fingers pulled at the material of my dress and I looked up at her. The darkness around her eyes had slightly smudged and her lipstick was smeared around her mouth, I imagined mine looked similar.

She leaned down to kiss me again, and I moved on top of her. Our mouths smacked together, our tongues deepened, and our hands wandered, though I couldn’t get her words out of my head. It was when her hips started rising into me that I fell into a stupor. The conversation we’d had fizzled out of my head and I was consumed suddenly by thoughts of what I wanted to do to her. My legs were either side of hers as I grinded slowly over her, my own skirt rose up. Our sharp, quickening breaths met in between us whenever our mouths weren’t fixed together; Ronit smelled like mint and perfume. I started to feel a heat burn in between my legs; a dense, rising pressure that made my eyelids flicker.

I thought I heard her whimper the word ‘yes’ several times which made my hips harden. I carried on, rolling over her as she held onto my waist.

‘Keep going.’ She whispered. Her eyes were wide, two chestnut moons staring up at me as my pleasure surmounted. I faltered, and my elbows buckled, but I carried on anyway. Something was definitely building, but there was something stopping me. I knelt up and ripped my tights off. Ronit laughed and did the same with her own. I immediately moved on top of her again, seeing her snowy legs charged something new inside me. A sheen of sweat cooled my forehead as I started to rub on her.

It was much easier without tights on; it took less concentration and after several thrusts of my hips, and listening to Ronit’s uneven, aroused breaths, I dropped into immeasurable bliss. It consumed the entire lower half of my body and soared up inside me. I couldn’t help but loudly gasp and wheeze until my entire body calmed. It took several minutes.

‘It’s good, isn’t it?’ Ronit said, her fingers were buried in my hair while her legs squeezed and clenched me.

‘Yes.’ I gulped several times. ‘Yes.’

I remained above her and lowered my hand. She lifted the hem of her dress up, so it rolled over her flat, pale stomach.  I slipped my hand into her underwear and shivered all over.

‘We have to be quiet.’ I panted, my eyes were closed. ‘In case they come home.’

‘You should take your own advice.’ She whispered playfully, caressing my hair and pulling my face closer.

She gasped noiselessly with trembling lips when my fingers reached her. She was wet and soft, and I tried so hard not to moan, but it was physically impossible. Ronit knew how difficult it was to be quiet, so she kissed me; we moaned into each other’s mouths. I let my fingers explore her, she jerked and shook with each smooth movement of my hand. Her forehead creased with pleasure when I curled my fingers inside her. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, and her hips and legs moved as one with my arm.

I felt her muscles tensing and the sounds coming from her throat were growing regular and higher pitched, climbing to gentle chirps of desire. I sped up my fingers, only then to hear the front door slam and my mother’s aggressive voice yell up the stairs, alarming both of us.

‘Esti, come and give your father a hand!’

My fingers ceased, and I pulled my lips from Ronit’s’. She was still looking up at me; vulnerability and need plastered over her entire face.

‘Please, Esti.’ She whimpered. ‘I’m so close.’

I could have stopped, I could have climbed off Ronit and off my bed and gone to help my parents, but I didn’t. Silently, I curved my fingers again and her back arched forcefully; her hands flew to my shoulders to grip me. I closed my eyes as our bodies rocked together on my bed. I could only hear her hushed, scrambled breath deepen, I felt her tighten around my fingers and her nails digging into my back. I knew she was finished; I was impressed she had managed to stay so quiet, but I didn’t mention it.

I fell on top of her entirely to recover, my head was resting on her rapidly rising chest and I wiped my wet fingers on the bedsheets. She hugged me close to her and kissed my hair. I wanted to say it then, the words that had been playing in my mind for a while. I’d never said them before, not to anyone, but I’d read them over and over again in all of the books I’d read. Three incredibly simple words that took no effort to say but seemed to mean the world, words that symbolised something deeper, something that resonated with me.

‘We should go and help.’ Ronit said, shaking the words out of my head.

‘Mm.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I have to… wash my hands.’ She laughed and we both sat up, put our tights back on and attempted to tidy ourselves up; which involved scrubbing the lipstick stains around our mouths.

 

‘Oh, Ronit, I didn’t know you were here.’ My mother’s gaunt face greeted us from the bottom of the staircase. She was holding the door open as my father carried in plastic and foil platters of food.

‘Hello Mrs Halper.’ Ronit said, her voice was confident, and she wore a crooked, mischievous smile. I could still smell her on my fingers even though I’d scrubbed them with soap.

‘Well, seeing as you’re here you can help as well.’ My mother said. ‘Both of you, go and grab some trays from the car. Esti, why is your face so red? Are you feeling well?’

After I’d brushed off my mother we helped my father, he seemed happy to see Ronit and that gave me a tickle in my throat. We unloaded the trays onto the dining table. There was enough food to feed the entirety of Hendon; copious amounts of spinach and cheese pastries, sweet potato _kugels_ , _latkes_ , tabbouleh, couscous salads, slow-cooked, caramelised brisket and bowls of spiced falafel and meatballs. I’m not sure how my parents were affording it.

‘Ronit, don’t pick!’ My mother hissed as she entered the dining room. I spun around to see Ronit with her fingers in the brisket platter. She quickly placed the foil back over the top of it.

‘Sorry.’ She said, clearly chewing on a piece of beef. I held back a laugh.

All of the guests arrived over the course of the next hour; the bottom floor of our house soon became cramped with bodies. There was a natural shift of men moving towards the conservatory and garden while the women remained in the dining room and living room. To my disappointment, which I kept hidden, Deborah and Caleb did show up.

Deborah was wearing a similar style dress to me, while Caleb looked tall in a cream coloured suit that brought out his bronze tone. They both immediately found Ronit and wouldn’t relinquish any time with her, speaking over each other in order to get her attention. I kept bringing my fingers to my face, to remind myself of what Ronit and I had done earlier; it comforted me.

When the Finkels arrived, Shayna immediately latched onto Ronit as well. She’d earned herself a small crowd, so much so that we all had to relocate from the living room into the study to make room for the adults. It was a fairly spacious room, but it had been filled with a large, clunky desk, lots of boxes and stacks of my parents’ books; most of us found space on the floor to sit, but Ronit sat on top of the desk.

I grew weary of everyone flocking to her and I had to endure it for hours. I didn’t enjoy much of the party for that reason, though Mrs Finkel was exceedingly kind to me, which I did like. When she arrived, she hugged me for a long time; she smelled like herbs and summer berries. Again, later in the day when I came out of the bathroom, she was there waiting for me on the landing. With a slow tread towards me, she stroked my hair; it gave me a mild tingle in the tops of my legs.

‘How are you, Esti?’ She asked me softly; I told her in a shaky voice that I was fine. She followed up with a question about my mother, how had she been, and had she been well.

‘She’s… fine as well, thank you.’ I replied, knowing my mother would detest it if I mentioned any of her ailments to anyone else. Mrs Finkel responded with a knowing smile, her warm thumb was still on my cheek. There was meaning behind her behaviour, but I didn’t know what it was… I suppose I didn’t need to know.

‘You’re a good girl, Esti.’ She said before she left. I remained where I was, breathing in the aroma she’d left behind and wondering what it might be like to have a mother like her.

When Dovid and the Rav arrived, they were greeted by an almighty cheer that not even my grandfather had received when he turned up. I heard Ronit groan and say something cutting before Dovid appeared in the doorway of the study. Ronit was still on the desk, being prized by Deborah, Shayna, Ada and Miriam and several other girls from lower years. Caleb and I were leaning on the desk either side of her while she told the room a story of the time she’d thrown a tray of chicken pies at Mr Fisher in the deli. Everyone was laughing, everyone except me. I knew the real story, that she hadn’t thrown the tray at all, but simply dropped it on the floor of the deli and had immediately asked for a broom so that she could clean it up.

Normally it would bother me, the fact that Ronit was acting up to impress others, to draw interest and attention from her horde of admirers. I wondered why I didn’t mind now, why I didn’t feel jealousy cropping up inside me, but the more I thought about it, while looking at her gesticulating and guffawing with everyone else, I understood it.

I was the one who got to see the deeper side of Ronit. I remembered her face looking up at me several hours before, her body on the verge of ecstasy and I had been the one who had taken her there. The need, the want and the urge for me, the dependency and the exposure, the vulnerability and the openness of her words beforehand; that was mine, and no one else’s. They could all sit there and listen to her speak and tell stories, but I would be the one she confided in, the one she trusted, the one she turned to.

 

My grandfather left the party earlier than expected; he had a coughing fit around 7pm and had to be escorted home by my father. After that, the guests started filing out; fortunately, and to my surprise, my mother had been stable throughout the day. Though she did force me to leave the study to help her tidy up, which I was reluctant to do as the crowd had dwindled now, and it was only Dovid, Caleb, Deborah and Ronit left. Dovid offered to help me and soon we were both throwing foil trays and paper plates into black bags, wiping down tables and carrying glasses through to the sink.

‘Thank you Dovid.’ I said, as I tipped the last bits of cutlery in hot, bubbly water.

‘You’re welcome.’ He said, his voice sounded deeper and I noticed that he’d grown some dark stubble on his chin and neck. He wasn’t unattractive, when I looked at him I could see that. He had dark eyes, like Ronit, high cheekbones and a carved jaw, just like Ronit. Though looking at his face and looking at Ronit’s face gave me very different emotions. ‘It was a nice party. And you look very nice, in your dress.’

‘Thank you.’ I said, turning back towards the sink.

‘I was wondering, as it’s still early, if you wanted to go for a walk? We could go and sit on the bridge, or walk along the river.’

‘That’s a nice idea, maybe we could invite the others.’ I said, not knowing what to do with my hands.

‘I thought it could just be us.’ Dovid said, his voice suddenly sounding scared. I nodded slowly.

‘I don’t know- I don’t think I want to do that, Dovid. I’m sorry.’ I mumbled the words, but I knew he had heard them because his head had dropped, and he was staring at his feet.

‘That’s okay, no, don’t be sorry.’ His voice was so small, I could barely hear him over the chatter in the next room.

At that point, I heard the Rav call for Dovid from the conservatory. Dovid left me in the kitchen with a sad expression and no further words, making guilt crush like glass inside me. I trailed back to the study, back to Ronit, trying to flatten the confusing rise of emotion in my chest. I passed the front door, where Deborah was putting her shoes on; her parents were waiting for her and I overheard them enquiring about Caleb.

‘He told me to leave them alone.’ Deborah muttered with a sulky attitude, as she stuffed her foot into her shoe and angrily tied the laces.

I passed them all with a hurried but polite goodbye and continued along the hallway towards the study. I don’t know why but when I reached the study door, which had been closed, I waited outside. I listened. I couldn’t hear anything, no voices, no movement, nothing. I put my hand on the door handle and turned it. Caleb and Ronit were standing close to each other, but upon hearing the door open they sprung apart, Caleb almost lost his balance. Ronit had a bemused expression on her face and the room was caked in an extremely odd atmosphere, as though my entrance had caused an uncomfortable shift. When her eyes caught mine, she gave a small smile, though she didn’t look entirely happy to see me.

‘Your parents are leaving now.’ I hissed the words to Caleb, wondering why I felt a burning rage in the pit of my stomach.

‘Thanks, Esti.’ Caleb said, he turned back to Ronit. He must have whispered or mouthed something, I wasn’t – I couldn’t look at him. But as he passed me, I glimpsed up. His lips looked red.


	20. The Aftermath

When Dovid and Esti left the study to tidy up, I immediately jumped off the desk to follow them, not wanting to give Dovid too much time with her.

‘Where are you going?’ Caleb asked, propping himself up and stretching his limbs out, just blocking me from getting to the door.

‘I thought I’d go and help them.’ I replied, trying to catch a glimpse of his arms again; they intrigued me. His skin was darker than mine, and his arms had more features. I wanted to look at them for a long time, but I didn’t want to ask Caleb if I could.

‘Leave them to it.’ He said, waving the thought away. ‘I think Dovid wants to ask Esti something anyway, and he can’t if you’re always appearing like a bad rash.’

‘Shut up.’ I said with an involuntary smile. ‘He wants to ask her something? Like what?’ Caleb smirked at me and then turned to his sister.

‘Deborah, get out of here.’ He said, nodding towards the door.

‘I don’t want to.’ Deborah retorted, scratching her eye underneath her glasses.

‘Go on, leave us alone for a minute. I have to talk to Ronit.’

‘But- but I don’t-’

‘Go now, or I’ll tell dad that it was _you_ that dropped his gold ring in the compost bin.’

Deborah scowled and stood up, she brushed down her dress and marched for the door, slamming it behind her.

‘Why did Deborah need to leave?’

‘Because Dovid told me in confidence.’ He rolled up his shirt sleeves, and I saw his arms. The light, blonde hairs covering them, the muscles that bulged from his forearm, the veins that jutted over the surface of the skin.

‘But… you’re going to tell me?’ I said, bringing my eyes back to his face.

‘Well, telling you stuff is different.’ He said, a sly grin spreading across his mouth.

‘How is it different?’ I asked. He only shrugged carelessly and tilted his head; we were staring at each other; his eyes were the colour of a sunset. ‘What is Dovid going to ask Esti then?’

‘He wants to ask her to go for a walk with him.’

‘Is that it?’ I started to laugh. ‘He’s so daring.’

‘No, no, to be fair to him,’ Caleb tried to defend Dovid, but he was laughing too. ‘He’s hoping to ask Esti to do more stuff with him, go for walks with him, let him walk her to school, back from school. He wants to spend more time with her.’

‘Right.’ I licked my lips. ‘I hope he’s prepared for disappointment.’

‘Don’t be cruel.’

‘It’s not cruel, it’s realistic. Esti doesn’t like him like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like… that.’

‘She’s an odd one, isn’t she?’ He asked the question as though he was testing me, as though the question was a hook.

‘How do you mean?’

‘She’s just very quiet, very sombre. Sticks to you like glue.’

I scoffed. ‘Everyone does.’

‘That’s true… but Esti sees you differently I think.’

His eyes were digging into me; it had never occurred to me that he could be observant. Then I remembered that he came from a different community, had a different upbringing. He wasn’t raised with blinkers over his eyes, he wasn’t taught to avoid the rest of the world and what might be going on like the rest of us.

‘How do you think she sees me?’

He paused for a moment and stuck his tongue into his cheek. ‘I think she sees you how I do.’

We were standing opposite each other now, he was slouched, one knee bent and his head tilted in that way that was starting to annoy me. It made his honey coloured hair flop down though, I did like that.

‘How do you see me?’ I asked, cursing a slight crack in my voice.

He didn’t say anything but took a step forward, my face only reached his neck and I could smell him; a tangy, salty smell. A mild mix of sweat and men’s cologne, maybe there was a hint of shaving cream. He brought a hand up to my cheek; it was so much bigger than Esti’s. It was harder and heavier as it rested on my face, like the bones in his fingers were made of a thicker material to Esti’s, whose were so soft and delicate. His head bent down, and he leant into me, sliding his sturdy fingers into my hair.

The choking feeling in my throat and chest was similar to when Esti kissed me, though the whole thing felt incredibly different. The smell of his face, the pressure of his lips, the scratchiness of his chin. His face was tougher and hotter than Esti’s was. I realised I had kept my eyes open, with my arms bolted to my side. He opened his mouth, which forced my lips open slightly. I felt his tongue, and that’s when I experienced that rush. My eyes clenched, and my hands started to rise; I wanted to touch his neck, but before I reached him the door to the study opened.

Caleb leapt away from me, probably terrified my father had walked in; I jumped back too, terrified it was Esti; it was. She looked frozen, her eyes were caught somewhere between a frown and a horrified grimace. I could already see drops of colour draining from her face as she told Caleb his parents were leaving. Caleb thanked her casually and looked back to me, he smiled and brought his lips together into a cocky pout. When he walked out of the door he did so with an unnecessary swagger, all the while Esti’s eyes were planted to the faded carpet beneath us. Her shoulders were up, her lips had gone pale and she was avoiding me entirely. I knew what was about to happen.

‘Esti-’ I started with a small voice.

‘What were you doing?’ She interrupted me and started closing the door. Every word she spoke sounded savage and viciously hurt.

‘Nothing, we weren’t doing anything.’

‘Why was he standing so close to you?’

‘He was saying goodbye.’

She had the creases in the middle of her forehead, and the crinkles she got in her chin when she was upset. ‘His lips were red.’ She stuttered.

I took a long breath through my nostrils. ‘He kissed me.’ The words sounded peculiar. I hadn’t predicted the kiss, I hadn’t asked for it, I hadn’t even _wanted_ it, it just happened.

‘You kissed him?’ Her voice was shaking, even from this distance I could see the tears lining her eyes. ‘You kissed him, in- in my house?’

‘No, I didn’t say that. I said that _he_ kissed me.’

‘I- I- I can’t- I don’t-’ Her bottom lip was shaking so much I wanted to go to her and physically put my finger on it just to make it stop.

‘Esti, it’s not a big deal.’

‘Have you kissed him before?’

‘No! I didn’t kiss him this time! He kisse-’

‘So, you didn’t kiss him back?’

I faltered then; I couldn’t lie to her. ‘Well, it was… yes, I suppose I did,’ she started to cry, a lot. ‘Esti, it’s not- it wasn’t anything!’ As I took a step towards her, she took a step back.

‘Of course it was!’ The volume of her voice was rising. ‘Of course it was something!’

‘I’m sure you’ve kissed Dovid.’ I said, not knowing where the accusatory tone was emanating from.

‘I’ve never- never- how-’ Her hands were clamped either side of her head, her face looked utterly devastated and I started to feel icy guilt seep through my skin and cool my veins. ’I’ve never kissed Dovid.’ She said.

‘You held his hand.’

‘That’s not the same, Ronit!’

I knew that, but I felt my back teeth clenching anyway; would I keep on defending myself?

‘I hadn’t planned on kissing him.’ I spoke fiercely; Esti flinched when I said the word ‘kissing’.

‘I- I think you should go home.’ She said, her eyes had only been able to meet mine once or twice but now she was staring at me with unembellished seriousness, it penetrated the air between us.

‘I think you’re overreacting.’ I said.

‘Am I?’ Esti asked me, her eyes blinking away tears. ‘What if I _had_ kissed Dovid? What would you say?’

I chewed on my bottom lip. ‘Well I thought you had.’

‘No, no, you didn’t.’ She was shaking her head, making her hair shake. ‘You definitely _don’t_ think I’ve kissed Dovid because you would _hate_ that, you wouldn’t be able to deal with it. You barely let him talk to me.’

I didn’t respond because she was right; though my jaw remained defensively shut. ‘Do you really want me to leave?’

She nodded with a curtness that reminded me of her mother.

‘Fine.’

When I made my way for the door, Esti moved away again, she couldn’t bear to even stand near me; my back teeth had started to ache from gritting them. I didn’t bother going to find my father to tell him I was going home, I just left the Halper’s fusty house in a strop. On my walk home, I tried to decide if the kiss with Caleb had been worth it; I didn’t make up my mind.

 

Esti wasn’t waiting for me on Monday morning. I wasn’t surprised, and I endured a lonely walk to school by myself. Overall it was a lonely day; she didn’t come in the entire day, probably pretending she was sick or something similar. It meant I was hounded by other girls in every lesson; when Shayna saw an empty seat next to me in Miss Stern’s class, she almost broke her neck trying to get to it.

‘Your eyes look red.’ She commented, playing with the end of one of her plaits.

‘No, they don’t.’

‘They do.’ She replied. ‘I can see them, you can’t see your own eyes. Have you been crying?’

‘No. If you’re going to sit there, you’re not allowed to talk to me.’ I said, feeling more guilt piling up inside me, squeezing me from the inside. Shayna didn’t say anything more for the rest of the hour.

Instead of learning or listening to my teachers, I spent the day deliberating whether or not to go to Esti’s house after school. I weighed everything up; her anger, my defences, the quarrel we’d had. I wanted to apologise, I could start with that.

I was still making my mind up on the walk home, after I’d shaken off Shayna and a few others who took the same route home as me. Before I knew it and without thinking, I was walking past my road and towards Esti’s street. My heart started to beat faster when I saw her parent’s car, and when I walked up the path to their front door. I knocked, far more shyly than usual; it took a while for her mother to eventually open it.

‘Ronit, what are you doing here?’

‘Hello Mrs Halper, I came to see Esti.’ I replied, my voice sickly sweet.

‘She’s not in.’ Esti’s mother replied abruptly; this was going to be a difficult exchange.

‘Where is she?’

‘She went off with her father somewhere. She wasn’t well today; you probably overexcited her yesterday.’

I fought off a bizarre desire to laugh. ‘Do you know when she’ll be back?’

‘Not the foggiest. I’ll tell her you stopped by.’

‘Maybe I could wait for her?’

‘No, I don’t think so, I’m knitting, and you’ll be a distraction. Go on home, I’ll tell her you came by.’

She closed the door on me before I could speak again; shutting out my hope of seeing Esti that evening. I had an urge to knock on the door and run away; I knew I could be rude, but I was young, Mrs Halper was old and far ruder than I could ever be. I kicked a few stones along the pavement on my walk home and tried to remember if she’d always been so horrible, then I started singing a song out loud. I felt strange; it was unusual for me to have no one to talk to.

‘What a beautiful voice.’  I heard a voice behind me; a familiar voice that made my ribs feel tingly. I turned and saw Caleb in his school uniform, his bag slung over one shoulder.

‘You’re everywhere, aren’t you?’ I said, forcing my smile down.

‘Everywhere you are.’ The corners of his mouth curved. ‘Where are you off to? Your house is back that way.’

‘I went to Esti’s, but she’s not there.’

He was nodding, taking me in. It wasn’t long before I started to feel that anticipation again, the budding feeling I got before he’d kissed me, and every time before Esti kissed me. ‘I can walk you home, if you’re heading that way.’

‘I am, and you can.’

He chuckled and turned on his heel, he gestured for me to lead the way, so I did. There was light conversation on the way back, he talked about school and his classes, neither of us mentioned the kiss. I liked that Caleb talked a lot, conversation flowed from him with ease. It gave me more to bounce off, more to engage with, to laugh at. I loved every conversation I had with Esti, but it was normally me that spoke the most. Though when Esti became passionate about something, she would talk with such vigour and energy; I loved that.

‘- so then I just walked out.’

‘You walked out of class?’ I asked him, and Caleb nodded and laughed. His laugh was deep, but light-hearted; it was an intriguing noise, but I wasn’t sure if I liked it that much. ‘I don’t believe you.’ I said.

‘It’s true! Ask Dovid.’

‘Oh yeah.’ I scoffed. ‘Like Dovid wouldn’t lie if you told him to.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ He jabbed me in the ribs with his finger; it was playful, but it stung a little bit. I tried to poke his stomach, but he jumped back into a bush of green, budding shrubs before I could get him. We were outside my house now; the streets were deserted. The sun was still high in the sky, it was shining down on us; I was suddenly aware of how warm it was making me.

‘I should go inside.’ I said, scuffing my feet along the gravel.

‘Is the Rav home?’

‘I doubt it.’

Caleb tucked his chin down and took a tentative step toward me. He lowered his head and went into kiss me; again, I was overwhelmed that pleasantly musty aroma of his body. I tried not to, but I leaned up and let our lips touch. He didn’t open his mouth this time, and the kiss was shorter because I pulled away.

‘I can’t- I can’t,’ were the only words I could manage.

‘Why not?’ He asked with the softest voice I’d ever heard, I realised that his hands were resting on my waist.

‘I just can’t- Esti,’ I swore under my breath, why did I mention her?

‘Esti?’ His hands dropped, and he started chuckling again; I don’t think I did like his laugh. ‘What’s Esti got to do with it?’

‘Nothing, I don’t know why I said- I just can’t- I have to go inside.’ I stumbled backwards and scurried to my front door, I looked over my shoulder; Caleb hadn’t followed me, but he’d remained standing in the road. I waved at him before I closed the door, he lifted his hand and gave a slow wave back.


	21. The Talk

Esti didn’t come in on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday that week. I went to her house every evening and called her multiple times every night; each time her mother took great delight in telling me that Esti either wasn’t there or that she was too busy to speak to me. I was being punished and soon everyone started picking up on it.

‘Where’s your girlfriend?’ Keren hollered over the classroom on Thursday. I told her to shut up, but she was persistent. ‘You’ve looked like a sad puppy the whole week, Ronit.’

‘I’ll make you sad in a minute Ker-’

‘Ronit, don’t.’ Shayna’s timid voice spoke into my ear, her hand was on my arm. I’d never really noticed Shayna’s hands before; they were small, her knuckles were red, and her nails were perfectly trimmed. ‘She just wants to tease you, don’t let her words affect you.’

I shook her off and huffed, I crossed my arms on the table and rested my chin on them. I wanted the day to be over.

Caleb and I met every night when I walked back from Esti’s; he lived in between our houses, so it wasn’t odd that I kept bumping into him. He tried to kiss me several more times, and I let him. It was strange; I knew I shouldn’t have done it, and I wasn’t sure I was even enjoying it. He kissed well, but his mouth was wider and consuming, he ran his hands confidently over my hips and waist, which I thought was bold of him. We would kiss in public but remain hidden, always behind a bush or a bus stop; I never invited him into my house even though the opportunities were ample. I think he wanted an invitation, he would linger on the front step each time he’d walk me home.

‘I don’t want to keep doing this.’ I told him on Thursday night. We’d been kissing in an alley on the cul-de-sac that Esti and I always came to; a shimmer of sweat cooled my neck and I had a throbbing deep in between my legs.

He looked confused when he stood up straight, he slowly retracted his hands. ‘Why?’

‘Because I said so.’ I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. ‘I don’t need to give you a reason.’

‘You don’t, but it would be nice.’ Caleb’s forehead dropped into a frown, obstructed by his hay coloured fringe. ‘Why don’t you want to do this?’

‘I just don’t.’

‘Is it about Esti?’

‘No.’

His frown narrowed. ‘Why did you say her name the other day?’

‘I prefer you when you don’t ask questions.’

Normally he would laugh, but he didn’t this time. He was considering me, intently studying me and I hated it. ‘You’ve kissed Esti, haven’t you?’

Our eyes were stuck to each other. ‘I didn’t think you’d be sucked in by playground rumours.’

‘I wasn’t aware there were rumours.’ Caleb replied quickly. ‘But if there are, then that just confirms it.’

‘It doesn’t confirm anything.’ I said, growing more and more tired of the conversation. I missed Esti.

‘Just tell me, have you kissed her? I don’t mind if you have, I won’t tell anyone… I won’t judge you.’

‘I wouldn’t care even if you did.’ I said, looking at my fingernails and wondering how I could get them to look like Shayna’s. ‘But no, I haven’t.’ I lied, only for Esti’s sake.

‘I don’t believe you.’

I shrugged.

‘I think you two have kissed. I think she likes you, but you don’t like her back. Maybe you feel guilty for liking me, I don’t know.’

‘I suppose you’ll never know.’ I replied, only half-listening as a car engine started somewhere on the road next to us. I looked up, the sky was a pale pink colour, it looked like that stuff I’d seen in magazines at fairgrounds; the swirly, pink clouds that came on sticks. I think you were supposed to eat it. ‘I have to go home now.’

‘I’ll walk you back.’

‘No, it’s okay. I want to be by myself.’ I started to walk out of the alley, brushing the front of my dress down from where Caleb had lifted it; he’d been enthusiastic this time. His hand had strayed up from my hips and moved gently over my chest; he made a weird sound when he’d done that. He stopped kissing me for a second and stepped away from me, all the while he was grinning.

‘I wouldn’t feel too bad for Esti.’ He called after me as he crossed to the other side of the road. ‘She’s been keeping herself busy with Dovid.’

He turned away chuckling, slipped two hands into his pockets and walked home. I remained stuck to the pavement for several minutes with a painful obstruction in my throat, wondering what he meant.

 

Esti was at school on Friday, I ran to her as soon as I saw her; instantly forgetting all of the questions I’d built up about her and Dovid since Caleb mentioned it. She greeted my embrace with a sour expression, dull, heavy eyes and a rigid back; she didn’t look at all happy to see me.

‘Where have you been?’ I said with my arms braced around her stiff torso. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘I’ve been busy.’ She mumbled, not attempting to get out of the hug, but also acting as though it wasn’t happening.

‘You missed so much funny stuff this week.’ I said, taking a step back. ‘Bina and Hinda got into a fight and they had to be separated by the-’

‘I have to go.’ Esti said curtly, she walked past me with a briskness that told me not to follow her. I watched her cross the playground, she didn’t look back once.

She continued not speaking to me, at every turn I tried to talk to her, smile at her, get her attention but it was like I didn’t exist. The whole day was spent staring after her from a distance, because she walked away from me whenever I got close to her. I started to seethe; I worked myself up into a self-pitying rage even though I knew that the reason for this twisted mood was my fault. Even still, my mood thickened like tar, bubbling and staining my insides.

By the end of the day, I was ready to speak at Esti, not to her. I knew she would try and run home at the end of the day, she would scamper from our last class to try and avoid me. I wanted to catch her, so I asked to go to the toilet ten minutes before school ended; I made my way to the main gates, where I knew she would have to pass me.

I waited there for a long time, long after the bell had rung. The teachers started passing me soon, some of them asked what I was still doing there; I told them I was waiting, and they told me to go home, but I didn’t. Several more teachers left, I started to grow impatient and I sat on the pavement, flicking small stones with a twig. Finally, I heard two voices approaching the gate behind me, I stood up quickly and made my head spin.

‘- but if you are missing school because of it, Esti, then you really should tell your parents.’ Miss Stern sounded concerned; they were treading slowly along the path. Esti looked like she had been crying. ‘A young girl your age shouldn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders-’

Miss Stern stopped talking then, she had seen me waiting in the entrance. Esti looked up and I saw her mouth contort, her eyes flitted away to something else on the ground.

‘Well now, here’s Ronit.’ Miss Stern said jovially, touching Esti’s shoulder. ‘That should cheer you up!’

Neither Esti nor I said anything.

‘Oh dear,’ Miss Stern continued. ‘Have you two fallen out?’

Again, neither of us spoke.

‘Well, I have to be going girls.’ We were making our teacher uncomfortable, I could feel it. ‘I hope you feel better Esti. Ronit, be good.’ She said, before she walked away, leaving the stony silence between us. A bird cawed somewhere above us; that was the only sound I was aware of.

‘Esti, please-’

‘I don’t want to talk about it, Ronit.’

‘But I want to say sor-’

‘I know you’re sorry.’ She said, still focussed on something on the ground, I looked to where her eyes had settled; it was a line of ants trailing into a hole in the ground.

‘If you know I’m sorry then why aren’t you talking to me?’

‘Because,’ she swallowed. ‘It’s not about you being sorry. It’s about what you did that made you sorry.’

‘I didn’t know I- that I wasn’t allowed to-’

‘You’re allowed to do what you want. I just thought you wanted…’ Her eyes prised away from the ground and she looked around us. ‘We shouldn’t talk about this here.’

‘Where do you want to go?’

She shrugged and looked back to the ants.

‘Do you want to come to my house?’ I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could. I didn’t want to imply anything, not while I had her here talking to me.

‘Will Caleb be there?’ She uttered. There was no belief in her words; she knew Caleb wouldn’t be there, but she said it anyway.

‘No, he won’t be.’

A slight incline of her head told me that she was agreeing, I took a long, silent breath and turned, I started walking slowly and I heard her footsteps several paces behind me. I didn’t need her to talk to me, or even walk next to me; she was coming to my house, that was enough.

 

When we arrived, the Rav wasn’t home which made everything easier. I took her through to the kitchen, not mentioning my bedroom at all. I poured us both juice and we sat at the table; it felt formal, clinical even.

‘I am sorry.’ I said again. My throat felt constricted before I said my next piece, but I knew I had to. Something was compelling me to tell her, before we got into anything else. ‘I kissed Caleb more this week, because I missed you so much.’

‘I kissed Dovid.’

For an instance, I was sure I went blind. I must have closed my eyes and the inside of my eyelids were red and blotchy. A scolding heat roared at the base of my neck and soared up towards my brain. The images that flooded through my mind of the two of them conquered the flames and the anguish dropped into my stomach and twisted it until nausea pounded through me.

‘Why?’ I asked, though it could have been mistaken for a gurgle in my throat.

‘Why did you kiss Caleb?’

‘I like him.’

‘I like Dovid.’ Esti replied sharply. Neither of us had touched our juice.

‘You don’t, you can’t, you don’t like boys like that.’

‘I like Dovid.’ She said again, looking up at me. Something odd flashed in her eyes when they met mine across the table; it was both sadness and happiness. The connection between us reminded me of a frayed rope that needed mending. ‘I don’t like him as much as I like you, but I still like him.’

My house was so quiet, it was as though it was listening to us. The clunky pipes were eavesdropping, the groaning floorboards and creaking doors were tuned into our conversation.

‘I don’t like Caleb as much as I like you.’ I said finally.

Esti sighed. ‘I think you knew what you were doing, Ronit, when you kissed him.’ I nodded, annoyingly I felt tears forming in my own eyes. ‘You knew it would upset me, but you did it anyway.’ She sniffed. ‘But I don’t think you did it to be mean.’

I started to feel my shoulders shake from holding in a sob, I hoped she wasn’t leading up to something awful, it felt like she was going to tell me she wanted to stop whatever it was we had. I couldn’t bear the thought.

‘I don’t think you know-’ She sighed again. ‘It’s difficult to explain.’

‘Please try to.’ I said, each syllable a shudder from my mouth. ‘It might help me.’

‘I don’t think you know how to show people you lo- you like them. I don’t think it’s your fault. Kissing Caleb _was_ your fault, but I don’t think the way your mind works is your fault. I don’t know if you can recognise it.’

‘Recognise what?

‘That… feeling… and if you can’t recognise it, how do you even go about handling it?’

I didn’t understand what she was saying, my mind was a blur of her, Caleb and Dovid; words made no sense and the pounding in my ears and the choking tears I was holding in were turning painful.

‘Do you want to- is this- are we stopping?’ I asked with a heavy stutter.

Esti bit her lip and she looked down at her lap. ‘I don’t know what you want.’

‘I want you Esti, I really do.’

‘Do you?’ She looked up again, her teeth still chewing on her lip. ‘I’m not sure you do.’

‘I do. How can I show you that I do?’

‘I don’t know.’ Esti rubbed her eyes. ‘I suppose not kissing other people would be a good start.’

I nodded and leant forward in my chair. ‘I won’t- I won’t do that anymore. It was stupid anyway, I don’t know why- his mouth wasn’t-’

Esti held her hand up. ‘I don’t want to know about that- about any of it.’

‘Okay, sorry.’ I sat back, I wanted some juice because my mouth and lips had entirely dried up, but at the same time I also didn’t feel I deserved any. ‘What else?’

‘I think- I think it’s just that.’

‘I can do more. I can- start doing your homework.’

She scoffed at that and my heart soared seeing her smile, even though she was only doing so because the concept was ridiculous.

‘I can do your chores or buy you sweets and chocolate every day.’

‘You don’t have to do that.’ She was resting her head in her hands, she looked adorable and I wanted to go to her and hold her, but I knew I shouldn’t, not just yet.

‘I really did miss you.’ I said, wiping my cheeks. ‘You don’t have to say you missed me.’

‘I did.’

‘Were you off school because of it? Is that what Miss Stern was talking about?’ She bowed her head and I felt a blade of guilt slice through me. ‘I’m so sorry, Esti.’

‘I went to my grandfather’s house for a few days.’ She said, ignoring my apology. ‘He has a developing room, for his photographs. I think you’d like it.’ She took a sip of juice and looked up at me. ‘Maybe we could go there one day, he said we could.’

‘I’d love that.’

‘Good.’ She pushed her chair out and stood up. ‘I’m going to go home.’

I stood immediately again, making myself dizzy; then I realised I hadn’t had anything to eat that day. ‘I’ll walk you home.’

‘You don’t have to.’

‘I want to.’

She gave a weak smile and pushed her chair in.

I walked her home. We didn’t say much, I tried to make conversation about little things, harmless things and she only nodded. I wanted to ask her about Dovid, I was morbidly curious. The thought of it made me want to throw up but I wanted – no, I think I needed every detail as the questions burned inside me. Where did they kiss? How long did it last? Was it more than once? Did Dovid touch her?

‘Are you okay?’ Esti asked at one point. ‘Your cheeks are really red.’

‘Where were you when you kissed Dovid?’

Her facial expression didn’t change, she still looked vacant. ‘He came to my grandfather’s house on Wednesday.’

‘You kissed him there? And was that it?’

‘He walked me home and I kissed him again after that.’

Every word was stabbing me in the chest, but I knew I couldn’t say anything. ‘Did he- touch you?’

She frowned at me, outraged. ‘No, of course not. Not like- no, he didn’t.’

‘I want to punch him.’ I said, unable to contain the truth of how I felt.

‘If you punch him, I will never- don’t do anything stupid, Ronit.’ Esti tucked her hands into her pockets. ‘He begged me not to tell you.’

‘Really?’ I asked.

‘Yes. Begged me, so don’t say anything.’

‘Don’t you want to punch Caleb?’ I asked, knowing I should stop talking but unable to.

She shook her head and sighed again. ‘It’s not his fault.’

She was right, she was always right. It wasn’t Dovid’s fault either, he wasn’t to know. I still wanted to punch him.

When we reached her house, there was an awkward moment wherein we normally would have hugged or kissed quickly behind the hedge, but that didn’t happen. She gave me another smile and thanked me for walking her home. When she turned away, I put a timid hand on her arm.

‘Can I kiss you?’ I asked.

‘No, Ronit.’ She said. ‘Not yet.’

She walked into her house without turning back. I walked home alone, silently crying.


	22. The Days

‘Esti?’ A light rap on my door and my father’s voice coaxed me out of a fitful doze. ‘Esti? Can I come in?’

‘Yes.’ I replied with a sore sniff. I winced in pain, my nose was raw.

‘Oh dear.’ He said, after he’d stepped in. ‘You sound worse.’

‘Thanks dad.’ I replied in a throaty voice. I sat up and took a sip of water; it was tepid and metallic.

My father tittered as he sat on my bed, he gently pressed the back of his hand against my forehead. Though my nose was blocked, I could smell stale smoke, sawdust and fresh paint on his skin. I inhaled it deeply; he must have been doing some work in the garden; that aroma always reminded me of summer.

 ‘You don’t feel very warm.’ He said, bringing his hand away.

‘I don’t think it’s a temperature sort of illness.’ I said, not wanting to admit that I didn’t really have a cold. Better he thought I was sick than know the truth; that I’d cried so much in the past day that this had all of this was natural consequence. The blocked nose, the throbbing eyes and head, the claggy, gummy mouth; it was a fake cold. These were just symptoms of crippling sadness.

‘I think you should stay off school again tomorrow.’ He said, and I nodded gladly. ’Would you like to come and see your grandpa later?’ He asked.

‘Is he okay?’

‘He is fine, don’t worry. Your mother asked me to take him some leftovers from the party. I told her not to order so much coleslaw.’ He smiled but my mind wandered.

The party. I couldn’t- I absolutely couldn’t let myself think about it with my father next to me; I didn’t think I’d be able to control it nor explain a sudden explosion of tears.

‘Yes.’ I said, desperate to say anything that would get him to leave. ‘I’ll come.’

‘Well, we’ll go over this afternoon. Keep resting.’ He said, slowly getting to his feet.

‘Is mum okay?’ I asked, remembering I’d heard her wailing earlier on, shouting at my father for one reason or another.

He sighed and rubbed the tired, saggy skin around his eyes. ‘It seems that I have become a doctor to two sick girls in this house.’ He spoke with a timid breathiness, a humble whisper laced with sorrow. I only ever heard that voice when I overheard him praying alone; it didn’t sound like he was talking to me.

‘Is mum sick too?’ I asked after a moment.

He was standing under the doorframe now, staring in at me with one wrinkled hand resting on the door handle.

‘No.’ He replied, he was back in the room again. ‘She’s fine sweetheart, get some rest now.’ 

He left me in my dark, fusty room. I could see a slither of my window through the curtains, it had steamed up. I knew I should open it. I knew I should lean out and breathe fresh, sweet air and cleanse myself, and I should remind myself that even though agony was painted on the walls around me, life still went on; birds still sang, bees still buzzed, dogs still barked, and babies still laughed. Life would always continue.

 I groaned and threw the covers over my head. I stayed there until my father called me to leave.

 

My grandfather lived on the outskirts of Hendon, in a large, two-storey house that he had been born in. The house had belonged to my mother’s family for a long time; I’d often wanted to ask her about the house and her childhood, but I didn’t know if she’d want to tell me stories like that, so I never did.

‘Josef!’ When he greeted us, my grandfather sounded shaky and raspy; reminding me of dead, crinkly leaves rustling along the road in a breeze. ‘And… E-E-Esti! Goodness, come here!’ He said, opening up his bony arms.

My father told me that my grandfather had always been livelier than my grandmother, who had died before I was born; in a lot of ways, they sounded exactly like my parents. Recently though, I’d noticed my grandfather’s step had slowed, and his mind and words were foggier.

‘Hello grandpa.’ I said, smelling the mothballs and dust clinging to his cardigan.

‘Why-why are you both- what do I owe the pleasure?’

‘We’ve brought you some coleslaw, Levi.’ My father spoke above normal volume, holding up the bag of leftover tupperware and pointing at it.

‘You saw what?’ My grandfather said, cupping a hand behind his long ear.

‘Coleslaw, Levi!’

The exchange continued for a few minutes more. I would have giggled at this normally. I was always amused by their interactions; my grandfather’s obliviousness and my father’s over the top gesticulations. He was such a quiet man normally, the difference when he interacted with my grandfather tickled me. He kept looking at me playfully and laughing, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My body was tired.

We were invited inside for tea. It was dark and hot; every radiator boiled the air with suffocating waves of heat and I’d forgotten how much the upholstery smelled of vinegar. He and my father continued to talk in their difficult way, but I wandered off. I wanted to be alone again.

I took the bag from my father and walked through to the kitchen, I put it in on the middle shelf of the fridge which was entirely empty apart from a packet of butter, a jar of strawberry jam and a tray of figs. I sighed and closed the fridge; being old seemed upsetting and lonely, but I didn’t dwell on it. I couldn’t allow more woe in.

I left the kitchen and wandered along the hallway, passing the living room door, my grandfather’s bedroom and the stairs that led to the basement. There was an odd chemical smell emitting from it, it made my blocked nostrils fizz.

I opened the door which immediately led to a steep set of wooden steps down. I reached the bottom, the entire room was blood red and rows of string hung above my head, with sheets of photographs clipped to them with pegs. The smell was overpowering, acidic and harsh; but it was enjoyable having an unpleasant physical sensation, it gave me something else to focus on. I tried to look at some of the photos, it seemed that they were all of my grandfather’s elderly friends, at the synagogue, tea mornings, evening readings and classes. They all looked happy and vibrant, it made them look younger. Perhaps getting old wasn’t that bad, not if you had friends and loved ones around you.

‘Esti?’ My father called for me. ‘Esti?’

‘I’m down here.’

He made his way down the stairs, he started coughing halfway down and stopped. ‘It’s an interesting room isn’t it?’

‘What is it?’

‘It’s your grandfather’s developing room, for his photographs.’ He remained on the stairs, I think he was holding back a coughing fit. ‘He’s just asked me to do a bit of work on that shelf.’ He pointed to the back of the room towards a crooked shelving unit, which only had blank sheets of paper on top of it. ‘Ronit enjoys photography, doesn’t she?’

Suddenly, I had a stone lodged in my throat.

‘She might like to visit one day. I’m sure your grandfather wouldn’t mind.’ He continued speaking, saying more and more words that warped through the crimson room. ‘I’m sure he even has a spare camera laying around somewhere, it’s her birthday soon isn’t it?’

I didn’t respond, I couldn’t. I’d been pushing her from my head since this morning, but here he was, forcing her on me. I felt like I was suffocating.

‘Are you all right sweetheart? Are you still feeling unwell?’

I nodded.

‘Right, let’s get you home then.’

Everything was a blur after that, I remember holding my father’s cold hand on our walk back to car. When we got home my mother mentioned Ronit had come by after school, but I was barely listening. I went straight to my bedroom and threw myself into my bed. I’m not sure if I slept or not, but I must have.

 

The next day my father came to see me again, my mother never really visited me when I was sick. I don’t think she liked the added pressure of having to care or tend to someone else, not when she was so focussed on herself.

‘I wondered if you might want to come to your grandfather’s again?’ My father said softly. ‘Help me with the shelf?’

‘I’m not well, dad.’ I said, even though in my body I felt fine. He gave a sad nod, and beads of guilt dripped onto every other awful emotion I had swarming inside me. I sighed, ‘I’ll come.’ I said.

We returned to my grandfather’s house and he made me a glass of watered-down apple juice and gave me some tinned pears that were too syrupy for me to eat. I dawdled while my father mended the shelf. No matter how much I tried to bring myself into the present, I was stuck. As though I were ankle deep in thick, gluey tar, striving to pull myself forward but making no progress. The harder I tried, the deeper I buried myself. The more I tried to escape from it, the more I saw the interrupted faces of Caleb and Ronit in the study, their disappointment at seeing me, the knowledge of what they had been doing… that’s when I stopped struggling. I wanted to let the tar drown me. When we got home that evening, my mother told me again that Ronit had visited. I didn’t say anything; my mother looked thrilled. The phone rang several times that night, but no one called me.

 

I didn’t go back to school on Wednesday either. I wouldn’t admit it, I didn’t even want to write it in my diary, but I missed her. I missed the way her neck and hair smelled, I missed her roguish smile, her throaty laugh and I missed the way she made me feel light and safe. My body was pining for her, every part of me wanted to be held against her; I begrudged the thought. Wrapping my head around what she had done was inexplicable. Had she meant it? Did she feel the same way about Caleb as she did about me? Was I to compete with him? I knew I could never do that. He was tall, confident, handsome and he could make Ronit laugh with no visible effort. I was awkward, shy, quiet; I didn’t even know why Ronit liked me, or why she had started talking to me. It was a mystery that I’d never wanted to delve into in case she changed her mind.

‘Dovid will be joining us at your grandfather’s tonight.’ My father said when he started the car.

‘Okay.’ I replied, uncaring.

We picked Dovid up on the way to the house, he clambered into the back of the car and was energetic and speaking too quickly for me to keep up. Though I was mildly comforted by his presence. He reminded me of a small animal; a harmless, doting being that had few, simple interests. In a way, he reminded me a lot of Ronit.

My father finally fixed the shelf that evening. Dovid helped him carry the broken, mouldy planks of wood upstairs and to the bins outside while I remained in the red room. My grandfather had taught me the basic method of developing photographs; it involved placing the negative roll into the enlarger to get the right size, positioning the aperture and checking the sharpness of the image before developing it. It was a long process, but it was fun. At one point, I was so excited to tell Ronit about it, but then I remembered everything with a sickening glug of my stomach.

‘Josef t-tells me you have a friend who l-likes photography?’ My grandfather shouted above the silence.

I only nodded, letting my fingers stroke along the border of a photo of a group of old women, all laughing.

‘You should bring her here!’

‘I will.’ I said, trying to make my mumble louder but I still don’t think he heard me.

My father and Dovid returned, my father mentioned something, and he and my grandfather left swiftly, leaving me and Dovid alone in the toxic, choking room.

‘Are you all right?’ He asked me with a sensitivity that I’d heard before, he could be like that sometimes; caring, kind and attentive. He was standing behind me, but not close to me.

‘I’m fine.’ I lied.

‘Caleb told me.’ He said.

I tucked my chin in, focusing hard on the photograph of the old women, trying to count the teeth they had between them. ‘Told you what?’

‘He kissed Ronit. You found them.’

I was aware my breathing had changed, it was either shallowing or deepening, I couldn’t tell.

‘Ronit does that.’ Dovid continued. ‘She moves onto the next thing. You were her best friend, but before you it was Keren, before Keren it was Hinda, before Hinda… well, I can’t remember, but now… it’s Caleb.’

I swallowed something jagged, small lights started to pop in front of me and I wondered just how dangerous these diffused chemicals around us were. Dovid had stepped closer, I could sense him behind me; I turned to face him. In the dark cherry light, his eyes looked like Ronit’s and I shivered. I wasn’t thinking properly but I leant in and rested my head against his shoulder, his body froze but soon I felt his arms wrap around me.

His jumper smelled like Ronit, I started to laugh because the situation was ridiculous; laughing felt foreign. Ronit must have the same washing powder, I thought. Dovid’s arms remained around me, I could feel him trembling. I brought my head back and looked up at him. I wondered if kissing him would feel as good as kissing Ronit did. If it did, how miraculous that would be.

‘I didn’t want Ronit to upset you.’ He said. With our faces inches apart, I could tell he was looking at my lips. ‘I knew she would eventually. It’s not her fault-’

‘I know.’ I said, remaining close to his face. The smell of his breath was mildly citrusy, it reduced the potency of the substances in the air around us. Maybe Dovid was right, maybe Ronit never did feel the same as me and she was just waiting for the next thing. I’d never told her how I felt, and she had never told me how she felt, perhaps it was all in my own head.

Dovid looked as though he was about to say something else, but he was just bringing his lips together. He bent his head down and pressed his face against mine. His lips were wet, clumsy and cold. My initial reaction was to pull away, but I stayed there; I might like it, I kept telling myself, and if I liked it then that would solve everything.

I didn’t like it. Dovid’s mouth was limp, his lips didn’t move in the right way and his head didn’t tilt properly, so our noses clashed several times. His back remained stiff and he didn’t bring his arms down from around my neck. Eventually, he stopped. He was breathless, and his eyes were flickering wildly to the staircase and back to my face. Oddly, I didn’t feel anything; I didn’t feel pleasure, but I also didn’t feel repulsion. I felt his affection, but nothing inside me reacted.

‘I’m going to ask your father if I can walk you home.’ He said, his voice barely a whisper. He left and I didn’t move; how was it possible to feel nothing? I thought of the photographs around me; I was a blank sheet, waiting to be developed.

When Dovid returned, I was more than happy to leave straight away but he tried to kiss me again. I didn’t close my eyes when he did that. I wanted to laugh again; I thought about how kissing Ronit would make my skin pulse with pleasure, when her hands touched me, I melted underneath them. Everything she did lifted me. It was then that I felt a twinge of remorse and I pushed Dovid back slightly.

‘What’s wrong?’ He asked me, his arms were by his sides; I was relieved he wasn’t touching me.

‘I think I’d like to go home.’ I said. He nodded and led me out of the basement by my hand. He said a lengthy goodbye to my grandfather before we left; it was embarrassing hearing him trying to sound so much like the Rav.

He walked me home, his mood had changed. Before we’d kissed he was energetic and spritely, but now he seemed distracted, morose even. We didn’t share many words, he tried to hold my hand several times, but I made excuses that it was too warm to do that.

When we reached my house, he paused and looked at my lips again; we were standing in between the hedges that Ronit and I always tucked ourselves into. The sunset was flattering to him, it made his eyes look deeper, light flecks of green and orange above the brown; so much like Ronit’s. His lips were thin, but his smiling mouth was kind. I wondered if perhaps the basement wasn’t the best place to kiss someone, because of the lighting and the stench; perhaps kissing Ronit in there wouldn’t even be that nice. I knew I’d kissed Ronit here before, so maybe that would be better. I looked at him, and he seemed to understand. He leaned in again and the soft bristles on his chin tickled me.

I still felt nothing, not even here, in the place where Ronit had made me feel like I was floating so many times before. I pulled away with a mounting sense of disappointment and guilt toppling over in my chest.

‘I’ll see you later then.’ I said, realising I couldn’t say anything more.

‘Esti,’ Dovid grabbed my arm before I could get away. ‘Please don’t tell Ronit.’ I saw his Adam’s apple quiver. ‘I just… I know she’s protective.’

‘Okay.’

‘I really mean it, please.’

‘I won’t, Dovid.’ I replied, then I went inside. My mother told me that Ronit had visited again; my eyes burned with tears.

 

Thursday was my last day off school and I spent it in bed, thinking. I wore myself out from deliberating, pondering and determining what had happened in the past few days. I thought about Ronit, I thought about Dovid, I thought about me and Caleb and why all of this had happened. I remembered what Dovid had said.

_It’s not her fault._

It wasn’t her fault. It was, and it wasn’t. She was never cruel, or vindictive; she was too straightforward to be those things. I don’t think she would have meant to upset me. I truly believe she cared for me, but I don’t think she knew how to show it. I recalled the times I had heard other people talk about Ronit, in the synagogue and at gatherings.

_‘That poor thing, growing up in that motherless house.’ One woman had said._

_‘She has no hope,’ her friend had replied. ‘The Rav is never there, she is not to know any maternal affection in her life.’_

She must have liked Caleb, well enough to kiss him. That was her choice, I decided. I reminded myself that I had never told her my feelings, and she had never told me hers. Before long, I started to convince myself that given the choice, she would definitely choose Caleb over me, because I knew that I would have. Why would she choose to spend her time with a quiet, awkward girl over a charismatic, popular boy?

Dovid’s words played out in my head.

_Ronit does that. She moves onto the next thing._

Perhaps I just was one of her ‘things’. Whenever I offered myself a glimmer of hope that she might choose me over him, I remembered her face when I’d opened the door to the study. The frustration, the disappointment that I’d caught her told me everything.

By the end of the night, I was fully entangled in the reality that Ronit was no longer mine, but Caleb’s. I told myself that I had to accept it, because no matter how much she had hurt me, she was a good person underneath it all.

 

On Friday morning, each step to school pained me. I felt like I was already grieving for Ronit, with the added guilt of kissing Dovid topping it off. It was a horrible churning feeling that made me feel incredibly sick. I should have stayed home.

Ronit ran to me as soon as she saw me, wafting the scent of her hair at me; the berry smell. She started talking about Bina and Hinda I think, she mentioned that they had a fight, but I couldn’t look at her. I knew if I did look at her then I wouldn’t be able to look away.

‘I have to go.’ I mumbled and hurried past her. She didn’t follow me.

I avoided her all day; I don’t know why I thought I was ready to see her. All of the emotions I’d been simmering in over the past four days had started to bubble over, creating an unsettling, gurgling pain to settle in my abdomen.

In my last class of the day, I waited behind. I wanted to transport myself home.

‘Esti?’ Miss Stern’s voice shook me. ‘The bell rang, you can go home.’

‘Sor-sorry.’ I stood up and started packing my things away.

‘Are you all right?’ She was standing in front of me; a brown cardigan draped over her slender shoulders, a knee-length skirt that clung to her hips. I pursed my lips.

‘I’m still not- I don’t feel too well.’

‘You should have taken the whole week off, Esti. You’re very pale.’ I thought she was going to touch my forehead then.

‘It’s fine-’ I stepped away from her.

‘Have you eaten much today?’

‘N-no, not really.’ I admitted. I hadn’t been eating very much recently.

‘Esti,’ Miss Stern perched on the desk so that our faces were level. ‘Is everything… okay? At home?’ She asked in the same way that Mrs Finkel had asked about my mother, with a sympathetic smile.

‘Yes, everything’s fine.’

‘I know it… it must be difficult sometimes.’

‘Sorry Miss, I don’t know what you mean.’

‘Well,’ she faltered. ‘Your mother, I thought- oh, ignore me.’

I didn’t push, I didn’t want to know what people were saying about my mother.

‘You can always talk to me Esti, if you need to.’

‘Thank you, Miss Stern.’ I brought my satchel over my shoulder and made my way out of the classroom. Before leaving, I turned. I let the impulse carry me. ‘Miss Stern?’

‘Yes?’ She was collecting her own things now, she seemed flustered.

‘When did you know…’ I hadn’t thought the question through, I didn’t know how to word it. ‘When did you know you wanted to marry your husband?’

She brought her lips together, they looked dark; a very subtle trace of lipstick over them.

‘I suppose I knew… when I met him.’ She said, her words were dazed, foggy. ‘Why- that’s an interesting question.’

‘Sorry.’ I mumbled, I went to escape but she caught up with me along the corridor and we ended up walking out the school together.

‘Esti? Is something bothering you?’

‘No.’ I said, feeling a mortified heat blowing on the top of my head, all the way down my face. ‘I shouldn’t have asked, Miss, I’m sorry.’

She took a sharp breath. ‘It’s very normal to feel… certain things at your age Esti, for boys.’

I nodded, but I was only trying to shake her words out of my head.

‘It’s a part of life. It might be confusing now, but it will be wonderful, I promise. Even if it doesn’t feel like that now.’ She continued rambling. ‘But if you are missing school because of it, Esti, then you really should tell your parents. A young girl your age shouldn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders-’

She stopped then and looked ahead of us, towards the school gate. Ronit was there, her eyes were large and sad, and her shoulders were sloped, making her seem smaller. Miss Stern said a few more things, but my ears had filled up with pounding blood. Why was she waiting for me? Why wasn’t she with Caleb? All of the pain, all of the tears and the guilt roared inside me like a storm.

She told me she was sorry, and I spat some words back. They were hurt words, offended words, but they were also defensive words. I was giving her an out, why wasn’t she taking it?

‘We shouldn’t talk about this here, Ronit.’ I said finally, after she persisted. She invited me back to her house and despite myself, I agreed and went with her. I said something cutting about Caleb which I instantly regretted. Dovid suddenly popped into my head, and I knew that I’d have to tell Ronit what happened. My mind was messy.

When we arrived, she made me a glass of juice and sat opposite me in the kitchen. I was trying to take in the familiar smell of her home without making it obvious – I had missed it. I had missed her. We started talking and everything was painful.

She told me she had kissed Caleb more; that sealed it. She was kissing him now, that was life. I told her in turn about Dovid. That changed the way we conversed. Our words became quicker, passionate; more responsive to tone of voice as opposed to words. I didn’t know why she was pushing me so hard, not if she’d already made up her mind.

‘I want you Esti, I really do.’ She told me, in a strong tone.

The words didn’t settle properly, I couldn’t believe them. ‘Do you?’ I asked, pathetically. ‘I’m not sure you do.’

‘I do. How can I show you that I do?’

‘I don’t know.’ I said, trying to rub away the pain behind my eyes. ‘I suppose not kissing other people would be a good start.’

‘I won’t - I won’t do that anymore. It was stupid anyway, I don’t know why- his mouth wasn’t-’ She was rambling, I could see her going on about it and I didn’t- couldn’t listen.

‘I don’t want to know about that- about any of it.’ I said, holding my hand up. I started to feel sick. I carried on speaking without any real thought. She was trying so hard, and I didn’t know why. It sounded like she was giving Caleb up, but that was ridiculous.

‘-you don’t have to say you missed me.’ She said at one point.

‘I did.’ I replied quickly. I wanted to tell her then, I wanted to tell her that I knew she’d visited my house every evening, that she’d called multiple times every night, that I wanted to talk to her, to listen to her speak… but I didn’t. The way she was pushing, the way she’d told me she liked me more than Caleb – she must have been panicking about it all.

I told her about my grandfather’s developing room and I asked her if she might want to visit and she told me she wanted to; it sounded genuine. Then she asked to walk me home and over the thunderous snarls of anxiety and angst in my stomach, I felt the flutter of a butterfly. It was stupid to allow myself that.

We walked back to my house, she paced ahead, and I lingered behind. I eventually caught up, I allowed myself to look at her; her face was glowing crimson, it was made rosier by the sun shining on it.

‘Are you okay? Your cheeks are really red.’

‘Where were you when you kissed Dovid?’ She pushed the hair out of her face when she asked me. I answered her with regret soaring in my lungs.

She kept asking questions about the kiss, like she wanted to know everything; it was the opposite to my reaction. With every question, I felt more awful. I wondered if Ronit felt as bad as I did.

When we reached my house, she asked if she could kiss me. With everything inside me, I wanted to say ‘yes’. There was nothing more I wanted than her warm, soft lips on mine, to replace the lingering feel that Dovid’s cold mouth had left. I wanted the past week to disappear, I wanted it gone from our lives, I wished it had never happened, but it had. I didn’t say ‘yes’, I said ‘not yet’.


	23. The Words

Dovid.

Of all people, she’d chosen Dovid.

Of all the people she could have chosen to even the waters, she’d chosen the one person who could capsize the ship.

I couldn’t suffer through it silently, I had to tell her. There was something burrowing inside me; it felt like hordes of rodents, digging and digging and if I didn’t talk to her about it, about my feelings, then I knew it would eventually burrow so deep I wouldn’t be able to come back from it.

Dovid’s smug face swam in front of me in my dreams; he was lucky I hadn’t seen him on my walk back home from Esti’s house. I was in such a blind state that I don’t know what I would have done. I know I would have probably ended up regretting it.

After a disturbed night’s sleep, I called her the next morning, as soon as I woke up. Her rejection from the afternoon before was still buzzing in my ears like evil, angry wasps.

_Not yet._

The phone rang, though when it connected, instead of hearing the dull tone of her mother that I’d grown used to, I heard Esti’s soft morning voice.

‘Hello?’

‘Why Dovid?’ I asked. It needed to be done straight away, I knew I would be seeing him later at Shul, and I needed to know I wouldn’t lunge for him as soon as I saw him.

‘What?’ She replied.

‘Why Dovid? Why him?’

‘I- I don’t know. Ronit, it’s earl-’

‘Because he’s not me, Esti. He’s not me… I’m me.’

‘I… don’t know what you’re talking about.’ She was whispering into the phone, I could hear her lips wrapped around every syllable.

‘Everyone-’ I started to feel a swell of tears catch my throat. ‘Everyone wants me to be Dovid, or to be more like him... everyone. My f-father, my uncles, my aunts, but I’m not. You can’t think it too.’

‘I don- Ronit, I don’t.’

‘Because if you want me to be like Dovid, I won’t. I can’t.’

‘Ronit,’ she sounded anxious, rushed. ‘It was only Dovid because he was there- because he… was sweet to me. It wasn’t about you.’

She sounded unsure when she spoke the last words.

‘You… were kissing Caleb. I just- I didn’t think-’ She trailed off, leaving us in a cramped silence. ‘I wish…’

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Tell me.’

‘No, I- it’s stupid.’

More silence. Neither of us knew what to say.

‘Can I sit next to you today?’ She asked with a lightness I wasn’t expecting.

‘Yes.’ I replied. ‘I’d like that.’

 

The service was longwinded and dire. I kept my head down. Esti and I didn’t hold hands, even though I think we both wanted to. I spent the entire time ignoring my father’s sermon and wondering how long pain took to go away when it was inside you. I’d hurt myself plenty of times, I’d broken my arm when I was 11 tripping over a tree root, I’d sliced my fingers on knives by accident and stubbed my toes too many times to count. Pain that was inside was different, it was harder to ignore, harder to wrap a bandage around it and forget about it.

I’d heard so many people say ‘time is a great healer’ to my father, whenever he mentioned my mother.

 _How long does time take to heal pain?_ I wish I could ask someone. _Days? Weeks? Months? How long? Because I’m really bored of it._

I saw Caleb and Dovid afterwards waiting in the lobby; their faces weren’t overly jovial, but it was clear they were waiting for someone. Maybe Caleb was waiting for me and Dovid was waiting for Esti, then we would be two ordinary girls with two ordinary boys and our conventional lives would be doomed to normalcy. We’d marry them in a few years and have their babies, then our babies would have babies and we would all stay in Hendon until we died. The thought made me want to be sick. I walked past both of them without saying anything. I was proud of myself for that; I was definitely close enough to Dovid to hit him and make it count.

I dawdled without direction, I didn’t wait for Esti, but she caught up with me eventually. I don’t know why but I expected that would happen. We walked in silence together. It was a warm Saturday. Fat, dopey bees filled the sky and gorged on the nectar from the bright flowers in the gardens we passed. When we reached the deserted high street, we both slipped from stilted silence into a short bout of laughter when we saw two squirrels wrestling over a piece of bread in the road.

Our smiles faded, and we carried on walking. I suppose I was heading back to my house and Esti was following. Both of us tangled up in our own thoughts and each other’s; we couldn’t think about where we were going, only that we were going there together.

I trailed over the loose gravel path to get to my front door, then I realised I could only hear my footsteps. I turned, Esti had paused.

‘Can I come in?’ She asked, her eyes planted to the ground.

‘Of course you can.’ I said, slightly irritated. She looked happier.

When I had closed the door behind her, she put her hand on my arm. The pressure from it was light, but also tentative and concerned; her emotions were pulsing out through the tips of her fingers.

‘I’m sorry.’ She said, sounding grave. Her gaze was focussed. ‘I am sorry, so, so sorry.’

‘Me too.’ I mumbled. I let her hand rest on me, it was making the hairs on my arm stand up.

‘I don’t want you to be Dovid. I should never have-’ she sounded like she might cry. ‘I don’t want you to be Dovid, or like him at all.’ She carried on. ‘I just… I didn’t know what you wanted.’

‘I’ve told you what I want.’

‘I know, but I’d never- you’d never told me that before.’

‘Do you believe me now? When I say that I want you?’ I asked her, she’d retrieved her hand. I was looking at her face now; her large, sad eyes, her mildly pouting lips, the crinkle in her forehead. She looked beautiful and enticing, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.

She nodded slowly. ‘I’ll never do- do that again, with D- Dovid. I promise.’

I didn’t respond. Again, we were in my silent house in a messy stalemate. I heard the muffled voices of some people outside. The desire to kiss her was dominating me. For all the pain I was feeling, I believed that was the only thing that might make me feel better.

‘I love you, Ronit.’ She said, barely moving her lips.

The words reverberated and echoed around me, getting louder and louder. I couldn’t think of a time in my life when I’d ever heard them. I don’t think anyone had ever said them to me. My mother must have said them, but I couldn’t remember.

‘If you want me,’ she continued, her eyes glazed with tears. ‘Then I want you. So much.’

I nodded and tried to swallow, but I couldn’t. I had to gasp for a breath.

‘I think I love you too, Esti.’ I said, feeling foolish.

I didn’t realise until then, but she had moved closer to me. In the sad and painful haze of the hallway, our bodies were close, almost touching. With the little height I had over her, I bent my neck down and she leaned up.

Our lips touched, I could smell her skin and all of the anxiety that swathed me started to melt. Her mouth was pressed against mine, it felt new again. My chest decompressed as my hand raised to her face. I could feel the cool dampness on her cheeks as her tears dropped down, making our kisses salty.

We stood there for a long time, our bodies and our minds reconnecting and mending. I was recalling the way we were just over a week ago, the way we kissed and the way our hands moved over each other. It had been only a matter of days, but I had forgotten how exhilarating it was, that sensation of her tongue inside my mouth. Caleb had never made me feel like that. It wasn’t long before I was pressed against her, with her back pushed against the door. We kept on having to break to catch our breath and to stroke the hair out of each other’s faces, but each time she looked up at me with her wide, yearning eyes and parted lips, something overcame me, and I leaned straight back in.

She started to inhale sharply when I lowered my hand. Her body was so different to Caleb’s, so much more petite, expectant and patient.

‘I am really sorry.’ Esti uttered breathlessly during one of our breaks. My hand was entirely curved under her, bunching the itchy material of her dress between her legs; my other hand was holding the back of her head.

‘I’m sorry too.’ I whispered against her lips and we continued kissing.

‘I’m more sorry. I missed you.’ She spoke, and I could smell toothpaste.

‘I missed you too.’

Our mouths moved faster, our tongues became earnest and pushed deeper, and soon I wasn’t able to stand up straight. I noticed her knees slightly buckle, and she rattled the front door.

‘Do you want to go upstairs?’ I asked her, when our clammy foreheads were touching, her eyes were entirely tuned into mine. She nodded, so we went hand in hand to my bedroom.

I hadn’t tidied it like I normally would have if she was coming over; piles of my clothes were layered over the carpet, dirty cups and plates were strewn over every available surface and it smelled fusty. I thought that it was right she sees it like this, because this was me; messy, disorganised and unconcerned with a tidy bedroom. She didn’t seem to care, she didn’t say anything, she simply followed me over the hills of clothes to the bed, which thankfully was clear.

I sat back, and she kneeled over me, straddling my thighs, which forced a sparkling tingle to settle into my stomach and trickle down my legs. She was swarming my senses, her hands gripped either side of my head and her mouth moved frantically. She seemed to be telling me with every inch of her body that I meant something to her, that she did, in fact, love me. I could feel it with the tenderness of her fingers, the smoothness of her touch and the warmth of her tongue. She moaned gently when I slid my hands under her dress entirely. I don’t know why but it felt like I was touching her for the first time again, her skin was so soft and inviting. Pointy, jagged thoughts of Dovid and Caleb ebbed away in the tide our bodies created, I could only think of Esti. I could only hear her saying she loved me, and I could only feel the weight of her body on mine.

I pulled her dress over her head and threw it behind me. With a renewed vigour, she tugged at my clothes and soon we were both rolling on top of my bed, naked and begging for each other. Neither of us cared that we were being loud, or that we might be interrupted; we were desperately wrapped up in one another. She started to kiss her way down my body and I could only bury my fingers in her hair and tremble as her mouth covered me.

I couldn’t comprehend how new it all felt; for a week my body had missed her mouth and now she was here, and I could feel her lips and tongue caress me, my thoughts started to blur. She groaned with each flick of her eager tongue and I had to hold her head at one point.

‘There. Like that.’ I moaned loudly; she looked up at me with her tongue still against me; she nodded.

She continued with a repetitive, measured mouth and my spine domed on the bed. I filled the stuffy room with gasps of pleasure, panting her name. She suddenly rolled her tongue and I started to drop into that state of harmony. Every muscle in my body started to tense. Every fracture I’d felt was snapping back into place, all of the ridges were smoothing and Esti’s mouth was propelling me towards happiness again.

Her arms slipped under my thighs and she pulled me closer hungrily. The intimacy of it, the feel of her hot mouth and her words of ‘I love you’ flung me forward and I experienced a shattering sensation that struck with such potency, my eyes started to water.

I moaned her name so loudly that people outside the house would have heard it, even though the window was closed. She licked me afterwards, lapping at me confidently with her tongue and making my body silently quake. Soon, she was working her way up my body. When she reached my face, our wet mouths came together, and we kissed each other deeply. I brought her closer, and turned her onto her back, all the while keeping our faces close. I felt her entire body on mine, our legs entangled, and our chests pressed together, I had to control my breathing.

I stroked in between her legs, softly at first, with that same exploratory nature I’d had when we’d first started. She was wet, and it was easy to slide my fingers over her and inside her. I curled them and I her body tensed. I knew then that neither of us could ever achieve this closeness or understanding with anyone else; whatever we had, it was momentous. She filled my emptiness, she gave me everything in herself and it was only when she had told me that she loved me that I grasped how much I needed her.

I pulled my hand away and she groaned in displeasure, but I lowered my mouth to her lips and lifted my leg so that I was kneeling in between hers. I dropped my hips started to roll them over her, her eyes closed, and she let out a long, yearning breath. The sensitivity her mouth had left on me was still there, traces of her tongue remained. It made momentum harder to gain but I carried on, I indulged in the longing painted over her face. Her hands jumped in a frenzy from my face to my thighs and glistening stomach as she tried to control my movement. I squeezed her thighs, thrusting myself against her and her noises grew deeper, quicker and more sensual. It was smooth and rough at the same time; the hot, wet friction that I’d longed for. I was gripping her legs tightly as I slowed my hips back and forth over her core. My own pleasure started to rise again, and I could sense she was verging on the edge of bliss.

‘Ronit, Ronit.’ She wailed my name and I choked away into blind ecstasy. Our bodies went rigid. I brought myself to a halt, with my fingers still digging into her skin, our mouths cried out simultaneously. For a small twinkling of time, I was somewhere else, far, far away from Hendon.

I fell onto the pillow next to her, and she stroked my arms and my chest while her breathing calmed. She started shaking her head.

‘I’m- I’m still so sorry.’ She whispered, while she kissed me with her eyes.

‘I’m sorry too.’ I repeated.

‘I love you.’ She said.

‘I love you too.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your readership, I appreciate everyone of you and I read all of the comments you leave with great interest and warmth.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> CN x


	24. The Return

We didn’t stop that afternoon. We carried on for hours until we greeted the evening, when the sky turned smoky purple and the birds stopped singing. Time apart had made us both desperately ravenous and we couldn’t stop ourselves from indulging in each other again, taking advantage of the freedom of my empty house and immersing ourselves, yet again, into that fountain of trust and love we felt for one another.

Esti had spent most of the time on top of me, embellishing my entire body with kisses and soft bites. By twilight, my chest, stomach and legs were covered in faint red marks that her teeth and lips had left. My breasts felt swollen and between my legs felt sticky. She was laying on top of me now, she was so petite and light that it wasn’t uncomfortable having her there; her head was resting in the centre of my chest. I think she was listening to my heartbeat, rhythmically pounding away in my chest. Soon our breathing became unified and we were inhaling and exhaling at the same time.

Neither of us had spoken for a while; we were both exhausted. Whatever those peaks of pleasure were, whatever the name for them was, I’d had so many that I felt drained, thirsty but also tranquil. The knot of tensions that had clustered inside me had unravelled, they fell apart with each graze of Esti’s tongue and every time she whispered my name.

‘Do you think we were too loud?’ Esti question caught me by surprise.

‘I don’t think so.’ I said, stretching my arms up and making Esti stir. She lifted her head with great effort and tried to look at me; she dropped it back down immediately with a quiet sigh. I’d never seen her so sleepy afterwards, it gave me a new promise of happiness. The thought of her, so content and relaxed, falling asleep in my arms; it was as thrilling as the fast, physical side of it. I allowed myself to drift off, to imagine that we were somewhere else again, as I often did. We weren’t in Hendon anymore, we were living by ourselves further away, we could even be abroad. We were in our own bedroom in our own house; soon we’d get up, we’d go and make dinner and then we’d return to bed and do all of this all over again. That would be our lives. I started stroking her hair and she offered a small, grateful sigh.

‘What time will the Rav be home?’ She asked in such a weary voice that I couldn’t help but kiss the top of her head. I didn’t mind that she’d interrupted my fantasy.

‘Who cares?’ I replied, and she gave a short laugh through her nostrils.

This time she lifted her head properly and looked up at me; her eyes were shiny, and her light plum lips were parted.

‘Can I…’ she paused. I thought she was going to ask me if she could kiss me again, in between my legs, and I started to shift. ‘Have a glass of water please?’

‘Oh y-yeah. Yeah, I’ll go get some.’ I said hastily.

‘Thank you.’ She slumped next to me and sighed. She was laying on her back, her body stretched out over the rumpled sheets. I was abruptly taken aback by how open we were again, looking at her now. She used to be the quiet girl in school, the weird, shy one that didn’t speak to anyone, and now she was naked in my bed. I took some time to appreciate her form and physique, from the tousled mess of dark locks down to the prominence of her breastbone, the pale swell of her chest, the stiffness of her pink nipples and the smooth, flatness of her stomach. My eyes found the small mound of dark hairs where her thighs met, and I shivered.

I was suddenly thrown back several years ago to the first time I ridden a bike. Dovid had wanted to teach me, so one morning we left the house and wheeled his rusty, beaten up Raleigh to the park. I sat on it and immediately fell onto the gravel, scraping a wedge of skin from my elbow. I told Dovid I never wanted to see a bike ever again and kicked it before I stormed off.

Though of course, this was different. I _wanted_ to do this. I wanted to do the same to her, I wanted to kiss and lick her and make her feel the way she made me feel, but I also wanted to be good at it and I didn’t know if I was.

‘What’s wrong?’ Esti asked, her hand moving to her stomach to scratch it.

‘Nothing.’ I clenched my jaw and knelt on the bed. She gave a shaky breath and went to ask me another question, but my lips were already on hers. I felt her body vibrate and buck when I pressed myself against her.

Her hands had moved up and she gently squeezed my breasts and moaned into my mouth. I moved down, and she gasped every time my mouth brushed her skin. I trailed my tongue over her hips and looked up at her, our eyes instantly met; hers heavy with lust.

‘Do you want me to?’ I asked her, suddenly realising that my hands were shaking. She nodded vigorously, I swallowed something in my dry mouth. I thought about keeping my eyes open, to keep staring at her, but I closed them instead. I bent my neck, leaned down and kissed her lightly at first. I heard her lungs shudder. I brought my lips together and kissed her again, where I knew I liked to be kissed. I wrapped my arms under her legs and took her into my mouth.

‘Ronit, f-’ Another quivering breath. I felt her fingers clutch my hair and her legs started twitching. My thoughts were swimming in my head, little bubbles colliding into one another so that I was unable to think about what I was doing. I was only aware that I could taste her on my tongue, and that she tasted good. I started flicking my tongue, quickly and frantically.

‘Slower, slower.’ She puffed, stroking my hair back out of my perspiring face. I felt embarrassed, so I slowed and eased my tongue over her instead, feeling my face getting warmer. She made a staggered, guttural sound that I hadn’t heard her make before; a noise tangled up in surprise, desire and need. I carried on doing the same thing, savouring the mild, intimate sweetness of her.

Her fingers gripped me harder and she pulled me in, tugging and pinching my hair, but I didn’t care. It felt good.

‘Oh, oh, Ronit, y-yes-’ She groaned and her torso started to jerk. She moved as though she was going to sit up, her spine curved over and she continued stroking my hair and face with clumsy hands, she grasped the back of my head. I pushed her legs apart and she fell back with another groan, her head hitting the pillow with force. ‘Ronit, yes, fuck.’ The word dripped out of her mouth like syrup. It shocked me into stopping, only for a moment. I’d never heard her curse before.

I couldn’t help but move my mouth faster, forcing my jaw to do most of the work. She tossed and turned, she couldn’t find a place for her hands to rest; they moved from my face, to my head, to my shoulders. Soon, her body started to rock with the pace of my mouth. That’s when I brought my own hand up, I held it just under my chin, waiting. I took my middle finger and slowly slid it inside her, all the while keeping my mouth locked onto her. The room suddenly filled up with the sound of her pleasure as I thrusted with my tongue and fingers. I became animalistic with my actions when I realised that Esti was hurtling upwards, towards that climatic beat of gratification. Her hands returned to clutching both sides of my head, she was letting out consistent, high-pitched whimpers. My other hand moved up and grabbed her breast, embracing it and rolling my thumb over her nipple, making it stiff. She shuddered and moaned one final time with her hips rising of the bed, suspended in mid-air. When she went silent, her body fell back to the bed.

Her breathing was off for a long time, and her eyes were closed for longer.

‘Was that all right?’ I asked. She didn’t say anything, but she looked up at me and gestured for me to come to her, so I did. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me towards her, and I felt her tongue push past my lips. The sweet saltiness of our mouths mingled; one of her hands was on my chest, groping me and the other was snaking down, stroking me. I wondered if we’d ever be able to stop doing this, because I could never see myself getting bored of adoring her face, her smile or her body.

‘It was- it was perfect. Everything- everything you do is perfect.’ Esti sighed, her voice sounded thick and croaky. ‘You’re perfect.’

I shook my head and held back a yearning huff of air behind a tight jaw; I could feel her slippery fingers teasing me.

‘I really do need some water though.’ She said, still panting.

I nodded and remained where I was, until her hand fell away. The inside of my cheeks were sticking to my teeth, I needed water too. I stumbled towards the door and pulled a long, green t-shirt from a pile of clothes on the floor and pulled it over me. I continued to stagger downstairs, one step at a time and noticing the slickness I felt in between my thighs when I walked. Still trembling, I filled two tall glasses of water to the brim and carried them upstairs, leaving the sad, empty lower level of my house in darkness again.

When I returned, Esti was sitting up. She was looking at me with an unusual expression that I couldn’t work out. I walked to the bed and handed her the glass. She sunk half of it and took a deep breath. I glugged mine and we were quiet, until she looked at me with that same expression.

‘What is it?’ I asked her, placing my glass between an old, dirty bowl and a stack of magazines on the bedside table.

‘I’m just very grateful for you.’ She said.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked her, feeling myself grin. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and let it fall down my back.

‘I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.’

I waited. ‘I’m sure you’d be fine.’ I said, feeling a lump rise in my throat. I itched my neck.

‘I wouldn’t.’

I wanted to tell her about my dream, the one of us disappearing from Hendon. I didn’t. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you either.’ I said.

She stood up and hugged me. ‘I love you.’ She repeated those words, the words that still sounded unfamiliar. I couldn’t fully associate myself with them yet. Nonetheless, I said it back to her. We started to kiss again, long, slow, drawn out kisses where our tongues rolled together as though they were dancing.

Our hands began to wander, and Esti started pulling at my t-shirt again. We really were insatiable, she pulled it over my head and immediately her mouth latched to my chest, revisiting the trail of marks she’d made earlier. Just as she reached my breast, with her mouth wrapped around me, a sudden, deafening ringing sound echoed through the hollow house.

‘Fucking hell.’ I said, vaulting backwards and making Esti burst into laughter.

‘It’s just the phone, Ronit.’ She whispered, standing up straight. ‘Don’t panic.’

‘Jesus Christ, I know, but still.’ I stood there with my hand on my heart; the phone had ripped me out of the illusion I’d imagined, that it was only me and her.

‘Aren’t you going to answer it?’ She asked quietly.

‘I wasn’t planning on it.’ I said, wanting her mouth back on me.

‘Oh, okay.’

‘Do you think I should?’

‘It might be important.’ She offered.

‘I doubt it.’ I said, with a scoff. ‘Come with me?’

She laughed and agreed, we quickly threw our t-shirts and underwear on and ran downstairs to the phone. I picked it up. Esti started stroking the skin of my thigh, delicate, precise movements.

‘Hello?’ I said with a yawn.

‘Ronit, is Esti there?’ I recognised her mother’s voice instantly. My heart started to grow cold.

‘Hello Mrs Halper.’ I said, eyeing Esti. ‘Yes, she’s here.’

Esti rolled her eyes, but kept her hand on my leg, her fingers were trailing dangerously close to my groin.

‘Well, would you tell her to come home? And in the future, to inform her father or myself if she plans on spending the entire day somewhere? I’ve been worried sick-’

Her mother continued to ramble in my ear while Esti’s fingers crept closer to the patch of wet fabric between my legs. I caught her eyes, she was gazing up at me playfully, completely unconcerned that I was on the phone to her mother. With two firm fingers, she pressed against my core and I inadvertently let out a loud wheeze.

‘-Ronit? What’s wrong?’

‘N-nothing.’

Esti was stifling a silent giggle. She was showing me her teeth with her grin, and she pulled her hand away.

‘That sounded like asthma.’ Esti’s mother continued. ‘You need to go and see a doctor if that continues, young lady. I wouldn’t expect your father to tell you that, so you can have that on me. Now tell my daughter to come home. Please.’

‘Yes. Mrs Halper. I’ll tell her.’ I said, still dazed by Esti’s behaviour. I hung up the phone after saying goodbye, Esti was still smiling.

‘Sorry.’ She said, though she didn’t sound sorry at all.

‘Don’t be.’ I said, leaning in and kissing her. Our mouths moved together, and a pressure built up inside me; it was persistent.

‘Does she,’ Esti kissed me, ‘want me,’ she kissed me again, ‘to go home?’

‘Mm.’ I said, our mouths weren’t far apart while we spoke; it seemed impossible to force them apart. She gave a long sigh.

‘I should go then.’ She said, her tone mopey with disappointment. ‘I’m glad I missed the Rav.’

‘Why?’

She shrugged, her arms dropped to my waist. ‘Sometimes I worry that I take up too much of your time. That he feels he can’t… talk to you when I’m here.’

I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

‘Why?’ She enquired with a frown. ‘Don’t you two ever… spend time together?’

I snorted. ‘Esti, don’t be stupid.’

‘I’m not, I mean – you never spend any time together, just the two of you?’

I shook my head.

‘Does he ever tell you stories about your mother or, about when you were a baby?’

‘Does your mum do that?’ I bit back, a bit too defensively.

‘Well… no, but I have my father, he does.’

‘I don’t…’ I sharply breathed in through my nostrils. ‘I don’t need him to be that way with me, Esti.’

‘No, I know. You’re… stronger than that.’ She touched my cheek.

‘It’s not strength, it’s just… habit and necessity.’

She gave a sad smile and rested her head under my chin. ‘You are strong, Ronit.’

My hand was on her back, I stroked her down her spine, letting my finger caress the shallow dip of it. I was relieved that I could touch her again. That I could hear her voice and that we’d gone back to normal, after so much distress. The past week was something I never wanted to return to.

‘If you leave now, you’ll have to call me when you get home.’ I said, taking in the scent of her hair.

‘I will.’ She said with a happy exhalation. ‘And tomorrow?’

‘We can go somewhere tomorrow. Somewhere outside of here.’

‘I’d like that.’ Esti said with a smile.

After we’d found the rest of her clothes in the mountain of mess that was my bedroom, we kissed behind the door for a while, before she eventually left for home. I told her I’d walk her home, but she told me to stay and rest, and I couldn’t refuse the option of going straight to bed. She called me briefly when she got home.

‘My mother needs help with her knitting.’

‘I lost you to a pile of wool?’ I said, jokingly. She laughed.

‘Never again.’ She replied. ‘I already can’t wait to see you tomorrow.’

‘Me too.’ I said. Afterwards, we agreed on a time to meet the next day and we said another goodbye. It felt good again, between us. I went to my bedroom happy, until my father eventually came home.

I was dozing, but I was aware of his deep voice mumbling outside to someone, someone with a higher voice. It sounded like our neighbour Mrs Gellman; a dreadfully nosy curtain-twitcher, who was mostly homebound. My father’s dulcet rumbles eventually stopped, and I heard the front door close. His footsteps marched up the stairs and he knocked once on my door before opening it, letting light from the hall spill in.

‘Ronit?’ He said, his voice gruff and impatient.

‘What?’

‘What were you doing this afternoon?’

A fierce heat tweaked my cheeks. ‘Nothing. Why?’

‘Mrs Gellman told me she heard all sorts of strange noises earlier. She said it sounded like you were killing cats at one point.’

‘Well I wasn’t doing anything.’ I snapped, grateful the darkness of my bedroom was hiding my face.

He grumbled as though he didn’t believe me. ‘You have no consideration and a loud voice, Ronit. Don’t inflict yourself on others as such.’ He closed my door and left me in a dark, uncomfortable blackness.


	25. The Circus

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I was living a new life. I’d been in such a vicious rut of sadness I felt as thought I might never climb out of it. But the day with Ronit, it had fixed me. How could it be that one person could make you feel both the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow? It was an extreme power, a dangerous one. I had no idea how to navigate it, I’d never been told to expect it. My mother and father had always been quite independent, never really relying on the other for much. My father would pray, study, build furniture and smoke, while my mother would pray, knit, gossip and read books. Aside from sharing a bedroom, I couldn’t imagine what else they shared. I thought of Ronit, her father had been alone for a long time, though recently I had overheard my mother say that the Rav had been getting ‘overly friendly with the fat widow who lives on Golders Rise’. I hadn’t mentioned it to Ronit.

Perhaps it was right to rely on someone though, it definitely felt right. Even when they made mistakes, upset you or disappoint you, it was worth it, all for the sheer elation they gave you normally. I wasn’t sure. We were never taught about love, though I was aware of it, and I knew I had it for Ronit. I hadn’t got to sleep very quickly the night before, because my entire body felt electrified; Ronit spent the night with me in my dreams.

‘I know where we’re going today.’ She said, when I called her in the morning. ‘I thought about it last night and I know where we should go.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘It’s a surprise.’ She said, I could hear her smile.

We met where we had agreed, at the bus stop that led the way out of Hendon. I told my agreeable father that I would probably be going to the park, thankfully my mother was bedridden with a migraine.

When she arrived, Ronit told me we would need to ride one of the ancient, red buses; the ones with the open backs that you could just hop onto, where a conductor sold you your ticket using one of the old paper ticket machines. I remember I had told her that I loved those buses a long time ago, but I didn’t want to assume that she had remembered that.

I held her hand when we got onto the bus and the corners of her mouth curved up.

‘It’s your birthday soon.’ I said, when the bus started moving.

‘Eurgh.’ She groaned. ‘I forgot.’

‘How can you forget your own birthday?’ I laughed, but I don’t think I should have.

‘Easily. Everyone else does.’ She turned to look out of the window.

‘I remembered.’ I said, in a sudden defensive voice. She looked at me, the morning summer sun made her dark eyes look lighter. I could see the wiggly lines of green leading to her pupil.

‘You’re different.’ She smiled and squeezed my hands. The strength of her fingers sent a rush to the bottom of my abdomen.

‘So, _where_ are we going?’ I asked, attempting to deflect from the topic of her birthday.

‘I can’t tell you, Esti. That will ruin the surprise.’

‘You don’t know where we’re going, do you?’ I teased, stroking her thumb with my own.

‘Of course I do! What do you take me for?’ She laughed as well and prodded me in the ribs. I jabbed her back and we both started giggling, irritating all of the other morning travellers on the bus, but neither of us cared.

The further we got away from Hendon, I noticed Ronit’s mood and dynamic change. In her speech, she seemed happier, unguarded, and even physically her shoulders loosened and her back slouched. Her limbs moved with a renewed confident ease and my need for her grew the longer I stared at her. Our hands were linked and resting in her lap, my hand was beneath hers and I could feel her legs; only the thin material of her shorts kept me from touching her skin. I flexed my fingers out and grazed her thigh itch my nails.  It made her shift in her seat, she went quiet and her shaped eyebrows raised knowingly.

I don’t know where it came from, this behaviour. Touching her while she was on the phone to my mother, touching her on the bus… It was so unlike me, yet it was everything I knew I wanted. I kept stroking her thigh, exhilarated at the thought that there were other people around us who had no idea what we were doing. She started spreading her legs, as though inviting me to go further. Her smile had faded, and she was now entirely focussed on me and my hand; her lips had formed an expectant pout. She tugged her warm hand away from mine and I turned and slid my hand into the leg of her shorts. She immediately looked up, and I did the same. The other people on the bus were paying no attention to us. I carried on, until my fingers reached the centre of her legs. Air escaped my lungs; we were on a fairly busy bus, it was the middle of the morning, and my hand was touching the most intimate part of her. I started chuckling, she did too. I put some pressure behind my fingers, her laughter curbed, and she bit her bottom lip. I got a heat in the top of my legs.

‘Tickets, please!’ A booming voice behind us jarred the entire lower deck of the bus. My hand shot out of Ronit’s shorts and our spines bolted straight up in our seats. Ronit started giggling while my face burned. She bought both of our tickets as though she’d done it thousands of times before. I had told her that my father had given me some money, but she waved me off.

‘It’s okay.’ She said, taking both of our paper tickets from the conductor. ‘I stole some from the Shul donation pot.’

‘Ronit!’

‘Oh, I’m joking, calm down.’ She said with a benign scoff. I never found out if she was actually joking or not.

We carried on riding the bus for a while. I didn’t put my hand up her shorts again, not now the conductor was wandering around and the bus was filling up. I couldn’t help but grow unnerved the further we got away from Hendon. I noticed busier streets, bustling crowds and brightly animated, loud advertisements on every surface. I noticed that a lot of women had strangely styled hair, I even saw a woman whose hair was bright pink, though her eyebrows were still dark brown. These people wore odd clothes and a lot of them revealed so much skin that I had to continually look away. Ronit didn’t.

‘Look! Look!’ She exclaimed, pointing out of the window to a group of women who were all dressed in skimpy, blue shorts and strappy bits of material to cover their chests. Their bronze stomachs and legs were completely on show, in public so that everyone could see them.

‘Oh my goodness.’ I muttered, knowing my cheeks were going red; my heart started to thud in my chest. ‘Why are they doing that?’ I asked, trying to divert my eyes from them.

Ronit shrugged. ‘It’s a hot day. I’m wearing shorts too.’ She looked back at me and her eyes dropped to my legs. ‘Maybe _you’re_ the weird one for wearing tights.’ She said playfully. I anxiously looked down and let my thumb roll over my legs. I didn’t know what was normal when we were this far away from home. The definition seemed to change.

‘I think we have to get off soon.’ Ronit said, fidgeting in her seat. ‘This doesn’t look right though.’

‘What are we looking for?’

‘A circus.’ She admitted, her eyes stuck to our surroundings.

‘A circus?’ I started frowning. ‘Like… performing animals under a big tent?’

‘That’s what I thought… but it doesn’t look like they’ll be one here.’

I shook my head in agreement. We must have been in the heart of London now, entirely closed in by grey buildings, multi-level stores and hundreds of shoppers.

‘Oxford Circus!’ The conductor shouted.

Ronit’s mouth contorted. ‘I don’t think this is right.’ She said, standing up.

We climbed off the bus together and immediately got swept up into a swarm of people. She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd, we veered around a corner to where the throngs of people were less concentrated.

‘This is stupid.’ Ronit said, her attitude had changed.

‘It’s not.’ I said, going to hold her hand but she didn’t attempt to return it. ‘We may as well enjoy it.’ I suggested, but she was shaking her head.

‘No, I messed up. We can’t enjoy anything here, we don’t have any money. I’m so stupid.’

‘Ronit, you’re not-’

‘I am. Even when I try to do nice things, I-’

‘Ronit! You’re not stupid.’ I said, taking her hand and squeezing it. ‘You’re not. This is…’ I looked around. ‘Great. I love that you brought me here, and I love you.’

Ronit brought her eyes to mine and I saw them glint. ‘I suppose we can wander around.’

I nodded enthusiastically. ‘We can. We’ll find stuff to do, I’m sure we will. Don’t forget that… I have some money.’

She gave a small smile and took my hand.

 

We spent the entire day on our feet, walking around the humming streets of central London. Ronit perked up eventually, and we talked and laughed and held hands with no care about who would see us or what anyone would say. We went into several clothing stores and Ronit tried on loads of different outfits that she would never buy. In the dressing rooms, there were lots of other women who were parading around half-dressed, I had to keep my eyes closed. We went into a huge bookshop, and I browsed through all of the different sections; history, geography, art, biographies and fiction. Ronit followed me solemnly, not taking in much of the literature but occasionally touching my lower back and grazing my hand.

It was both liberating and terrifying being so far away from home. I had an uneasy feeling battling with a sense of relief in my chest. Ronit ended up having a wonderful time though, and that was more important to me. Just before we left for the bus stop, we passed a florist who was packing away his produce for the evening. He smiled at us and we smiled back. He stepped inside with a bucket of bright tulips, just as his back was turned, Ronit swiftly leant down, grabbed one of the young sunflowers and handed it to me.

‘For you.’ She said with a grin, then she towed me along the pavement by my other hand. ‘Come on, quick!’ She started to laugh as she sprinted and looked over her shoulder.

‘Ronit! You can’t-’ I attempted to scold her, but I was also wrapped up in overwhelming fun of the moment, pumping adrenaline and adoration for her. We ran the rest of the way to the bus stop, when we got our seats on the bus I rested my head on her shoulder, keeping the stolen sunflower close to my face.

Ronit walked me home that evening. It was still light out and a swarm of blackbirds were singing in the trees above us as we wandered along the empty streets of Hendon, so different to the heaving streets of Oxford Street. We tucked ourselves away behind the bush and kissed for a long time.

‘I had a lovely day today.’ I said, holding the sunflower with both of my hands.

‘I wish you could come and stay the night.’ She said, stroking my chin and staring at my lips.

‘Me too.’ I replied. ‘Maybe I could ask if I can stay tomorrow night.’

‘You should.’ She said, nodding eagerly. ‘You should. My father won’t even know.’

I scoffed and kissed her goodbye. I left her feeling a heaviness in my heart and let myself into my house. As soon as I entered, I heard an unfamiliar voice in the living room and I went to explore.

‘-and if you ever need anything, Polli- oh, good evening Esti.’ Mrs Finkel looked up, a cup of grey looking tea in her hands. ‘How are you sweetheart?’

I felt my blood rush down my body. ‘Hello Mrs Finkel.’ I said with a warbled voice.

‘Esti.’ My mother spoke firmly. ‘Don’t interrupt us, this is an adult space-’

‘Oh Polli, no, no, no. It doesn’t matter. Where have you been, Esti? That’s a lovely flower you have.’

‘Yes, where did you get that, Esti?’ My mother asked in a tone that was completely opposite that of Mrs Finkel’s.

‘I found it.’

‘Hmm.’ My mother responded suspiciously. ‘Well, off you go. Your father sounded like he needed some help painting earlier.’

I nodded, I could smell glossy paint in the air. I bowed my head to Mrs Finkel and went to leave but she called me back.

‘Oh, Esti,’ she said. ‘I almost forgot. Shayna is going to have a sleepover… in a few weeks for her birthday. I’m sure she’d love you to be there.’

‘Is Ronit going?’ I asked, unable to stop myself. My mother blew a shot of air from her nostrils at the mention of Ronit’s name.

‘Well, I believe Shayna is inviting her.’ Mrs Finkel replied, her smile spreading across her face. I suddenly wondered what her hair looked like under her wig.

‘I’d love to come.’ I said.

‘Excellent. I will tell her, she’ll be so happy.’

I didn’t know what to say, so I simply bade her goodbye again and left. I giggled slightly on my way out; Shayna wouldn’t want me there, she’d only want Ronit. I found my father snoozing in his armchair in the conservatory, I kissed his cheek before I went to my bedroom. I propped the sunflower against my window, so that the sunrise would hit it and light up the yellow petals in the morning. I fell asleep eventually, again I dreamt of Ronit.


	26. The Good Birthday

I woke up early on my birthday to the sound of a gentle knock on my bedroom door, I sat up quickly thinking it was Esti. I tried to peel my eyes apart and keep them open, but I was shaking off the remnants of a deep sleep. I could hear a light patter of rain tapping against the window.

‘Ronit?’ It was my father’s voice, I immediately sank back onto my pillow.

‘What?’

The door creaked open, light pierced through my eyelids.

‘ _Y‘_ _om hu'ledet sameach_.’ He said, his tone unchanging.

‘Thanks.’ I replied, tucking my head under the covers to keep out the sunlight from the hall. I wanted to go back to sleep.

‘I have something for you.’ He said, causing intrigue to stir inside me. I sat up, once again prising my eyes open with a grimace.

‘What is it?’

‘Here, take it.’ He held out his hand and I lifted mine to receive it. Whatever it was, it wasn’t wrapped; he dropped something small into my palm and I had to squint to see it properly. It was a beautiful, gilded Hamsa pendant on a long gold chain. ‘It was your mothers.’ My father continued. ‘She wore it around her neck every Shabbat, you might remember.’

I shook my head but continued staring at the intricate design of the jewellery.

‘Well, it is yours now.’ He said.

‘Thank you.’ I replied. While I felt the material significance of the gift inside my heart, nothing in my father’s tone suggested I should feel warmth or gratitude. This felt stilted and obligational.

‘I also have to tell you,’ he cleared his throat and paused. ‘That you might start seeing Mrs Ceder here more in the future.’

My brain sluggishly scanned for Mrs Ceder. A face swam into my mind; round, red cheeks, a limp _sheitel_ , small purple veins scattered on the tip of her nose, she lived along the cul-de-sac road where Esti and I often hid ourselves away, she had a dead husband.

‘Why?’

‘She and I are…’ He coughed again, this time spurring on a seizure of wheezing. The rain outside was falling harder. ‘We are close. She is a supportive-’

‘Are you going to marry her?’ I interrupted him, stroking the gold chain in my hand with my thumb.

‘Ronit,’ his head dropped, and he scoffed. ‘Why must you always say whatever is on your mind? Not all things are black and white.’

‘Well you’re either going to marry her or you’re not.’ I said, instantly recognising the mood in the bedroom shift, entirely understanding the pattern of our behaviour because this had happened hundreds of times before. One of us would say something jarring, the other would react defensively, and then we both dart for the offensive.

‘If I did, would you make the situation uncomfortable?’

I shrugged, acknowledging the anger and betrayal pulsing in my stomach, my mother’s golden chain heating up in my fist.

‘Would you make her feel unwelcome?’

I shrugged again.

‘ _Oy vey_. Stop with your limp shoulders! Do you realise how disrespectful it is for you not to look at me when I speak to you?’

I dragged my head up and we glared at each other.

‘Whenever Mrs Ceder comes for dinner, you will be on your best behaviour. Do you understand?’

The temptation to shrug again was overwhelming, I felt my shoulders flex up, but I nodded my head once and exhaled through my nostrils.

‘Good.’ My father’s chest decompressed, and he let out a sigh. He forced a lighter tone. ‘What will you do today? The Sheins told me that Caleb wanted to visit y-’

‘I’m going to see Esti.’

‘Of course.’ He said, obviously disappointed. ‘It would be good for you to remain close with Caleb. He is a good boy.’ I rolled my eyes, knowing that he was already envisioning our marriage; I knew he was seeing my wedding, his grandchildren and my long life of inevitable subservience. ‘He comes from a good family, he has good prospects, he is clever-’

‘Oh, he can read the Torah for twelve hours a day? _Incredible_.’ I spoke sardonically, unable to bite my tongue. ‘Let me sign the k _etubah_ now.’

‘Ronit!’

‘Stop trying to force everything on me!’ I said, seething. I think I was mostly upset because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. ‘Maybe I don’t want to visit Caleb because I don’t like him. You wouldn’t know! You never ask me!’

‘You really should consider your tone, Ronit.’ My father’s cheeks had flushed under his facial hair, his chest was rising again, pushing out his _tzitzit_.

‘I definitely don’t want to marry him.’ My voice starting to rise.

‘It is the only hope you have!’ My father’s voice countering mine, thrusting his finger in my face. ‘Can’t you see this?’

‘Get out of my room.’ I said, wanting to slap his hand away.

‘Truly, Ronit.’ He said, sounded exasperated. ‘What will you do? This arrogance will only carry you for so long. What will you do if you do not consider a good man when he is presented to you? What could you hope for? Who will marry you while you bear this chutzpah in your character?’

‘Maybe I’ll marry Esti.’

I don’t know why I said it. The words left my mouth without any control over them; perhaps I wanted to shock him, maybe somewhere deep inside me, I meant it. I waited for his reaction eagerly, it wasn’t what I expected. He started to grin, widely. Then he laughed, he laughed so much that his stomach rippled, he bent double at one point. I didn’t crack a smile while he stood there chuckling.

‘Stop laughing at me.’ I demanded.

He mumbled something under his breath, but he was already turning to leave.

He closed the door behind him, still laughing. My bedroom was submerged into darkness once more. I growled because I knew I wouldn’t sleep again; I was too enraged. I carefully looped my mother’s chain around my neck and got out of bed. I pulled the cigarette box from my top drawer and yanked open my curtains, partially blinding myself. The sky outside was bright despite the cascading rain, I threw open my window and let the rain hit me as I lit my cigarette. The drops of sharp sleet were cold and cutting, but it was pleasant having them on my bare skin. I tried not to think about my father, or the fact that I was trapped here. I failed.

 

Esti knocked at the door later that morning, at the time she told me she would. I hadn’t gone downstairs to answer the door because I knew my father was in the kitchen. He greeted her with a faux kindness, and I heard him tell her I was still in my bedroom.

‘Thank you Rav.’ I heard her say.

They didn’t speak anymore, but I heard Esti’s light tread on the stairs and my father’s continued rasping. She came into my bedroom holding a large, silver giftbag; her face was filled with happiness as she rounded the door, but it plunged as soon as she saw me.

‘Ronit, what’s wrong? It’s so-’ she started to cough and wave her hand in front of her face. ‘It’s so smoky in here.’

I was sat on the floor by the window, my hair dripping wet from the rain, and I hadn’t noticed it until then but there was a dim haze of smoke floating above me from the many cigarettes I’d smoked.

‘Nothing.’ I said. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Ronit, you’re drenched. Come away from the window.’

I didn’t want to argue, and I was starting to shiver so I stood up and walked to the bed with a sag in my step. I slumped onto it, making it creak loudly.

‘I’m glad you’re here.’ I said.

‘Just- why? Why were you- what’s wrong? Did something happen?’

‘The Rav wished me a happy birthday.’ I mumbled, feeling my numb, wet skin soaking into the bedsheets. Esti put the bag on the floor and climbed onto the bed next to me.

‘Right… and what happened?’ She asked.

‘I told him I was going to marry you.’

‘Ronit, you’re-’ her breathing fractured for a moment. ‘You’re not making any sense.’ She pulled the duvet up over me.

I suppose I wasn’t making sense. I was freezing, soaked through and delirious from all the cigarettes. I had enjoyed the feeling of the rain hitting me, the cold seeping into my bones and the smoke swirling in my lungs so much, it had taken me away from myself, but I hadn’t stopped. I felt Esti’s arms weave around me.

‘You’re so cold, Ronit.’ She said, sounding wretchedly sad. ‘What did the Rav say? Was it… did he… was it bad?’

‘No, no.’ I replied, nuzzling my head against her chest. She was wearing a loose, knitted jumper today; it smelled like violets. ‘He was just reminding me that I’m going to be stuck here forever.’

‘Oh,’ Esti was stroking my hair. I must have been making her damp with my hair and nightshirt, but she didn’t say anything. I moved up so that I could kiss her neck, it was so warm against my cold, blue lips. A breath of air shot out of her mouth, and I saw her throat move as she swallowed. ‘Did he get you a present?’

‘He gave me a necklace that used to be my mothers.’

‘That’s lovely.’

‘He only did it because he wanted to tell me he was marrying someone else.’

Esti was quiet. ‘Did he say that?’

‘Not explicitly.’ I yawned. I was feeling less shaky now, more stable that Esti was here and holding me. I knew she’d got me a present, but I didn’t want to ask about it. I just wanted her. ‘He will though.’

‘Who?’

‘Mrs Ceder. The fat one who lives on-’

‘Golders Rise, I know her.’

We both went quiet, her fingers stroked up and down my arms and eventually settled twirling a lock of my hair, which was starting to dry.

‘I’m sorry you haven’t had a good birthday so far.’ She said, her other hand stroking the bottom of my spine.

I snorted. ‘Esti, I never have good birthdays.’

‘I don’t want that. I don’t want you to think that.’ She huffed. ‘I’ll make sure this one gets better.’

I pursed my lips together, and then I closed my eyes. I was still exhausted from being woken up this morning and the smoke had made me feel weary and heavy with lethargy.

‘Do you want to open your present?’

‘Can we lay here a bit longer first?’ I asked.

‘Of course we can.’ She said, pulling me closer to her so that my face was buried in her neck, the smell of meadows and summer on her skin making my nose tingle and my eyes water.

‘You know,’ I started, without knowing where I would finish. ‘You being here is already making it better.’

I sensed she was smiling, and her arms tightened around me. She kissed the top of my head.

 

My eyes shot open when I heard a crash in the distance, a loud bang like metal clattering, it sounded like it was below me.

‘It’s okay.’ I heard Esti’s voice soothing me and I was aware that her arms were still around me. ‘It’s just the Rav doing something in the kitchen.’

‘Was I- was I asleep?’ I asked, sitting up and aware that I had been drooling. I wiped my chin.

‘Mmhm.’ Esti said, stretching her arms and back out.

‘How long for?’

‘About an hour.’

‘An hour? You sat here for an hour? While I slept?’ I was frowning at her now, she was smiling. Her hair was hanging down, slightly wavy at the bottom and her features looked softer in the dim light of my bedroom.

‘Why wouldn’t I?’

‘What did you do?’

‘I held you.’

‘Oh.’ I said, starting to bite on my lip.

‘You snored.’ She said playfully.

‘Oh shut up, I did not.’

‘You did.’ She said, her hand resting on my knee. ‘Like a wildebeest.’

I went to tickle her, climbing on her lap as she started to giggle with fear. She tried wrestling me off, but I was already on top of her, my legs either side of her, holding her arms down and attempting to tickle her ribs. We tried to keep as quiet as possible, knowing my father was still in the house, but it was difficult. Esti started to squeal when my wriggling fingers met with her underarms. Her jumper rose up and I caught a glimpse of her stomach and hip, and I slowed.

She was panting, looking up at me with a parted mouth. I leant down, and our mouths met, her hands immediately gripped the back of my head, her fingers clenching my hair. I opened my mouth wider, and rolled my tongue inside her, making her groan quietly; it shoved away my groggy tiredness. We kissed like that for several minutes, until I felt that familiar need for her throb inside me. I started pulling off my pyjama shorts and she threw her jumper to the floor and started to unbutton my nightshirt. We were silent now, only our laboured breathing could be heard. When I started easing my underwear down my thighs, Esti stared at me and she wet her lips with her tongue. She’d whipped her tights off and pulled her skirt up, I started rolling over her cold, bare thigh; I had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop from making a noise. Soon that didn’t matter, because my bed was making a rhythmic squeak each time I moved my hips.

‘It’s too loud.’ Esti said, sounding disappointed. Her hands were on my hips, but her eyes couldn’t settle, they were all over my face and chest. I nodded, even though I had already started to feel the mounting pleasure in between my legs. ‘Come here.’ Esti said.

‘Where?’

‘Just… move up, here.’ Esti said again.

I looked down, trying to understand what she meant; my eyes flitted back to her face, I think I understood. On my knees, I moved up to where her open mouth was waiting for me. A rush of her hot breath caught me, and I fell forward, supporting myself with one hand on the wall behind my headboard. I was kneeling over her face now, I could see her eyes looking up at me; this was new, this was exciting, and I took a lungful of dry air when I felt her mouth press against me.

With one hand on the wall, and one on the back of Esti’s head, I tried to stay upright and balanced, but her hot tongue was flicking and moving so wildly that I could barely breathe. Her arms were looped under my legs and her fingers were pressing into the skin on my thighs, the pressure of them getting harder and stiffer. I let out a whimper, she was devouring me; I’d never felt her mouth move like this before. One of her arms pulled out and stretched up, she grabbed and squeezed my breast and moaned into me, my hips started gyrating. I peeked down and saw that she was still looking up at me, I saw her mouth lapping me, her jaw moving in time with my hips. It tipped me over the edge, a crackling sound jumped from the back of my throat as my body froze and pleasure hit every corner of my body. I wasn’t aware of any other noise in the house, only the sound of Esti’s tongue and the whine from my strained throat. I held her head still, and her tongue slowed, massaging the wetness between my legs. I let her do that for a while.

I finally clambered off and fell next to her. We were both on our sides, our bodies pressed against each other and kissing deeply, letting that wetness continue to mingle in our mouths. She stroked my neck and chest and her hand stopped when she reached my waist.

‘Are you having a better birthday now?’ She asked me, I saw that her lips and chin were glistening.

I nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘Good.’ She kissed my lips lightly. ‘Do you want your present?’

I nodded again, it was odd; I felt excited for a present. I’d never been excited for presents before. My father usually made a donation to the synagogue for my birthdays, and my uncles and aunts always did the same, or gave me tacky, gold ornaments that I would always just put straight under my bed. Esti’s present wouldn’t be like that, I knew it wouldn’t. She jumped off the bed, and ran to get the gift bag; she was nude, her pale skin had goosebumps all over from the cold and I couldn’t stop staring at her. When she returned, we both nestled under the covers; her legs touched mine.

‘Here.’ She said, handing me the bag with a broad smile.

I took it from her and peeled open the top, which had been sealed down with tape. I peeked inside, and my heart fluttered in my chest.

‘Esti,’ I whispered her name and reached into the bag. ‘Its’…it’s… beautiful.’

It was an old Canon film camera, in perfect condition. I turned it over in my hand while I fought an odd desire to cry. I tried to focus on the elements of the camera, the buttons, the lens and the dials. It was light, but it looked expensive; how on earth had she afforded it?

‘Do you like it?’

‘I love it, I really, really love it.’ I was overcome with emotion, I tried to gulp it down. ‘It’s… the best present I’ve ever got.’

Esti looked exultant. ‘There’s some film in it already, my grandfather helped me put it in, and-’

I didn’t let her finish, I’d pushed the giftbag out of the way and kissed her, the camera still in my hand. She reciprocated the kiss, but I could tell she was eager to tell me more about the camera, so I pulled back.

She took a breath and carried on proudly. ‘It’s a Canon T60. And my grandfather said you can develop all of your photos in his developing room, if you wanted to. He said he’d teach you how to use it, but I told him you probably already knew.’

‘Thank you, Esti.’

‘You’re welcome.’ She started stroking my knee under the covers, her smile hadn’t faltered since she’d given me the camera.

‘I mean it, thank you. This is… I love you.’

She sat up a bit straighter. ‘I love you too.’

I flicked the camera on and lifted it, I brought my eye to the viewfinder and focussed on her. The soft light behind her lit her up, she looked beautiful, ethereal.

‘Oh no, don’t, not now Ronit.’ She hid behind her hands.

‘Please?’ I asked, not dropping the camera.

Esti sighed, though she was still smiling; she lifted the covers up to hide her chest, tilted her head and smiled at me. I clicked the shutter and it snapped her, in all her perfection.

‘I’m going to keep that photo forever.’ I said, winding the camera up.

She leant over and kissed me this time, holding my face with an evocative, gentle strength. Eventually, the giftbag and camera made their way back to the floor while Esti gave her entire self to me, which was the best present I could have asked for.


	27. The Other Sleepover

I realised soon after my birthday that no matter how much I tried to ignore it, everything my father said to my stuck to me. His words thickened in my blood like poison, it stuck to my skin like tar. I didn’t know why it had such an effect, I desperately tried not to care but somewhere inside me I did, and I hated it. I felt like I was drowning when I thought about where I was. The only time I didn’t feel plagued by it was when I was with Esti, when our bodies were entwined and when I could feel the love in her embrace.

I’d worn my mother’s necklace every day since my birthday, often running my finger over the centre of the design but carefully avoiding the edges, because I wanted there to be parts of the pendant that still had her touch on it. I studied it a lot when I was by myself, wondering what she’d have done while wearing it. She would have cooked and baked food for guests with it around her neck, she would have prayed with it on. It would have dangled near me when she would hold me in her arms as a baby, perhaps there was even a time when the chain was pressed between the both of us; I liked thinking of that. I tried to go through photos of her to try and find her wearing the necklace, but it was an exhausting and sad task, so I gave up.

I tried to avoid my father, we were both skilled at that; living in the same space but barely seeing one another. It was easier, because he was usually always away somewhere or tucked away in his study, but he’d been spending more time at home recently. That was because he was starting to clear things out, mostly my mother’s things. We had one of our worst arguments ever when I’d found him piling up the boxes of her makeup, perfume and clothes from the spare room.

‘They are going to be donated to the community, Ronit!’ My father was holding one of the boxes while I stood in the doorway.

‘No! They’re not yours to give away!’ I was shaking my head, feeling anger pumping through and making the top of my head hot.

‘They are not your mother’s anymore!’ His face was getting red and I noticed a vein growing in his forehead.

‘They’re not yours either!’ I yelled. ‘I want to keep them!’

‘They’re just sitting in that room collecting dust, Ronit.’

‘You’re only doing this because of Mrs Ceder! You can’t just make mum disappear! You can’t get rid of her!’

‘I am not trying to! You are speaking nonsense yet again, about matters you do not understand! Now move!’

‘No!’

‘Ronit, I am warning you.’

‘What? What will you do?’ I’d taken a step forward, I felt my chin jutting out and the sneer paining my face.

His jaw clenched, he threw the box at the ground in between us, making something smash inside it, and stormed past me. ‘In that case, find a place for everything. I want that room cleared by this evening!’ His voice trailed off as he did, marching somewhere else in the house. I started picking up my mother’s things with angry tears in my eyes.

‘He’s probably in pain too, Ronit.’ Esti reasoned, after I’d told her about the fight we’d had.

‘He doesn’t feel anything, he’s a brute and he doesn’t care at all.’

We were walking to the deli in the claggy heat of the afternoon; we both had a little money and were craving the almond nougat that Mrs Fisher made on Sunday.

‘You don’t know that he’s not. You two never talk.’

‘Eurgh, who actually talks to their parents?’ I groaned and held the door open for her, making the bell tinkle above us.

‘Sometimes it helps.’ She mumbled as she stepped inside the sweltering deli. We took our seats and ordered the nougat from Mrs Fisher, who seemed too busy to stop and talk to us. She threw two slices onto one plate, which we shared between us; the nougat was chewy and nutty and stuck to my teeth and the roof of my mouth. It was sweet relief.

‘I don’t think it would help.’ I said, speaking with the nougat sticking to my words. ‘He’s stubborn and so am I, it wouldn’t work. We can’t talk about the weather without shouting at each other.’

Esti pulled a corner of nougat off and put it in her mouth, she chewed quietly and started speaking when she’d finished it. ‘Did you tell him about Shayna’s sleepover tonight?’

I exhaled the saccharine air of the nougat with a sigh. ‘I forgot about that. Mrs Ceder is coming over for dinner tonight. I don’t know what sounds worse.’

Esti chuckled. ‘I really want you to come to Shayna’s. I think she’d like it if you came as well.’

‘I know, I- I probably will run away and go to Shayna’s. My father would probably prefer that anyway.’ I wiped the sticky residue from the plate with my finger and sucked it off. ‘I like Shayna’s mum.’ I said quietly, turning my head slightly to gauge Esti’s reaction.

‘Me too.’ She said, staring down at the table.

 

Shayna’s sleepover came around quickly that week and I still hadn’t mentioned it to my father. We had barely spoken since he threw the box of my mother’s things to the ground. It was her perfume he’d smashed, one of my favourite smells in the world and now it was all soaked into the mushy cardboard in the bin outside.

‘Where are you going?’ He growled at me from the kitchen when I reached the front door.

‘Out.’ I replied curtly.

‘Where?’

‘To Shayna’s.’

‘This is the first I’ve heard of this’

‘It’s her birthday, and she’s having a sleepover.’ I wasn’t looking at him, I couldn’t. Every time I did, it filled me with exhausting rage.

‘I told you that Mrs Ceder was here tonight.’

‘I know.’ I rolled my tongue along my teeth and shuffled my bag onto my other shoulder. ‘I thought you wouldn’t mind.’

He took a deep breath from the very bottom of his lungs. I thought he was going to launch into a long-winded speech about how selfish I was, or some other form of verbal abuse or insult, but all he said was, ‘Thank you Ronit.’

I let my chin touch my chest. Confused and embarrassed, I said a hurried goodbye and I left the house. I walked to Shayna’s with a frown taped to my face; what had he meant by that? He had shown sincere gratitude, for what? I still hadn’t comprehended it by the time I arrived at Shayna’s. I was utterly bemused, and I knew I needed to tell Esti about it.

‘Oh Ronit!’ Mrs Finkel opened the door and gazed down at me with a huge grin on her face; I suppose I must have knocked on the door. ‘How wonderful that you came!’ She bent down and embraced me, she smelled like baking bread and butter, and spoke with a sincerity I’d never heard before; as though she was genuinely happy to see me.

I stepped inside, the carpet was thick and plush and the air in the house smelled like the sweet burn of a freshly extinguished candle. She stood up straight and patted her stomach, she was wearing a long-sleeved black dress which dropped to her shins, a white apron covered her front, it was smeared with flour.

‘Hello Mrs Finkel.’

‘Oh, it really is so lovely to see you Ronit.’ She spoke with a slight trace of an accent. ‘Shayna will be so happy.’

‘Who else is here?’ I asked, taking a step inside the oddly welcoming house.

‘Deborah just got here, but Esti arrived first. They’re just through here.’ She led me through the house; it was similar to my home; all of these old houses were. I followed her through the hallway, the alluring aroma wafting behind her the entire time. It was making my stomach gurgle in a strange way.

‘Shayna?’ Mrs Finkel knocked gently on a door, which I imagined must be the dining room because that was the layout of our house. ‘Ronit’s here, _zeeskeit_.’ Mrs Finkel opened the door; it wasn’t a dining room at all. It looked more like a spare room, but it had colourful chairs, beanbags, musical instruments and arts and crafts materials spread all over a table. I don’t think I’d ever seen so much colour in Hendon.

‘Ronit!’ Shayna leapt up from her beanbag and ran to me, she hugged me and I feigned a smile but looked over her shoulder to the corner where Esti was sitting, her face had lit up.

‘ _Mazel tov_ , Shayna.’ I muttered.

‘You came.’ Shayna said, somewhat in disbelief. She stepped back and took me in. We were wearing similar dresses, grey pinafores, though she was wearing tights and I wasn’t.

‘Mmhm.’ I said, acknowledging Deborah’s silent wave; she and Esti were sitting cross-legged on the floor opposite each other.

‘Well, I’ll leave you girls alone. Dinner will be ready in an hour or so.’ Mrs Finkel said, she touched my shoulder before she closed the door behind her.

The room was quiet. ‘So… what have you been doing?’

‘Mostly waiting for you.’ Shayna said, snorting an unflattering laugh and turning back to the room.

‘It’s true.’ Deborah said. I looked at Esti, she shrugged and smiled knowingly.

‘Right.’ I said, keeping my eyes on Esti; she was wearing the baggy green jumper I loved, the one that smelled like freshly cut grass and warm weather. ‘I’m here now, so what are we going to do?’

‘There’s a lot we can do.’ Shayna said, looking around the room. ‘There’s crafts and painting stuff, my violin and piano – I could teach you that or… we could just all talk?’

I hesitated. I had forgotten what ordinary sleepovers were like, finding normal things to do and trying not to get bored of it. Esti and I had shared so many nights where we’d talked and touched each other until sunrise that I couldn’t imagine sitting down and drawing with her now.

‘We can talk, until dinner.’ I suggested, feeling a slight rush after thinking about Esti. Shayna and Deborah nodded, Deborah nodded so vigorously that her glasses started to shake off her face.

I sat next to Esti, making sure our knees touched as I did so. Conversation was stilted to begin with, it was as though everyone was waiting for me to speak and lead the conversation, but as soon as Esti or Deborah replied, Shayna would speak over them. We talked about school, about our teachers and about other girls. We eventually moved to the table, I made sure that Esti and I took two seats together, intentionally moving my chair closer to her. Deborah and Shayna looked begrudged as they sat next to each other, but I didn’t care. Under the table I put my hand on Esti’s leg. I saw her cheeks go blotchy and red and I had to stifle a laugh.

‘Why didn’t you invite anyone else, Shayna?’ I asked at one point, feeling my father’s odd behaviour floating away and my confidence returning.

She went quiet and replied with a small voice. ‘I did.’

Esti raised her eyebrows at me as if to scold me, and Deborah looked away awkwardly. I didn’t say anything back. Eventually conversation drifted to talk of boys, I forgot that was normal too.

‘I heard,’ Deborah’s quiet voice peeped up and she leant across the table, directing her words to me. ‘That you and Caleb were… seeing each other.’ Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Esti sit up straight. My eyes flitted to Shayna, I think she’d noticed too.

‘Who did you hear that from?’ I asked.

Deborah shrugged, ‘He’s my brother.’ She stated. ‘People told me.’

‘Is it true?’ Shayna asked, leaning on her elbow. 

‘What do you think?’ I asked her, realising that answering their questions with more questions was implying more than I wanted.

‘I know someone who saw you.’ Shayna said, a sly smile starting to spread across her face. She started playing with one of her plaits. ‘They saw you kissing him.’

‘I think we should talk about something else.’ Esti said, clearing her throat as she spoke.

‘And I heard that you kissed Dovid, Esti.’ Deborah said. The pit of my stomach started to burn, I took my hand away from Esti’s leg and my jaw tightened.

‘I- I-’ Esti was faltering, looking all around her for an escape.

‘Shut up Deborah.’ I said, fighting the bile in the back of my throat. ‘This is boring, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.’ I was wielding the power I knew I had over them.

Shayna was looking at me with an odd glint in her eye, it was a playful, teasing look, I didn’t like it.

‘Girls?’ Mr Finkel had mercifully returned, she had a tray of steaming vegetables in her hands. ‘Dinner is almost ready, come and wash your hands.’ Her voice was so light, but maternally strong; I’d never heard a similar tone. That odd tingle in my stomach came back.

Shayna looked disappointed as she slumped away from the table with Deborah. They were walking out of the room slowly, it seemed almost deliberate. Esti stood up and followed behind them but I tugged on her hand; I watched the door as it closed slowly.

‘Hi.’ I said, pulling her towards me.

‘Ronit.’ She whispered. ‘What’re you-’

I didn’t give her a chance to ask, I put my arms around her and kissed her quickly. Her lips were dry, but still soft; they lingered on mine longer than I thought they would. Her mouth tasted like oranges.

‘You’re bad.’ She said, but she was smiling.

‘This is dull, isn’t it?’ It sounded like a question, but it was more of a statement. I started stroking her arm, making her soft, fair hairs raise.

She made a face and her mouth twitched. ‘It’s not what we’re used to. It might get better.’

‘I doubt it will be as good as our sleepovers.’

‘I hope it won’t be anything like our sleepovers.’ Esti replied, leaning into me. Our mouths locked again, and I felt her tongue, only quickly, but long enough for me to feel a burn in my thighs. ‘We should go.’

I nodded, despite the fact I wanted to stay in there and kiss her forever.

 

Mrs Finkel had made an entire spread for us, I imagine she thought there would be more girls at the sleepover. On the dining room table, she’d laid out trays of challah, roasted herby vegetables, tomato and onion bagels smeared with cream cheese, and plates piled high with potato _latkes_ and _kugel_. I stuffed my mouth with bread and _latkes_ until my stomach felt full and bloated. We remained in the dining room for the rest of the evening, which I was relieved about. I didn’t want to listen to Shayna playing the violin or the piano. I didn’t even want to see the rest of her house; I’d already seen so many photos of Shayna and her parents on the walls, all of them smiling and happy and I couldn’t bear it. I continued picking at the food long after everyone had finished. It was a delight eating a meal that had been cooked for me; normally I made everything I ate because my father never cooked. Perhaps if he married Mrs Ceder, she would start cooking for us.

‘I’ve made _rugelach_ for dessert.’ Mrs Finkel spoke with that same comforting tone as she walked back into the quiet room. She didn’t need to tell us though, I could already smell the cinnamon and pastry coating the air in their house.

‘Thank you, Mrs Finkel.’ I said, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. ‘Do you need any help cleaning up?’

‘Oh, darling, thank you.’ She touched my shoulder as she passed us, giving me a chill. ‘There’s no need to help, but you all should be making your way to bed soon; dinner was later than I expected. That was my fault, I’m sorry.’

I hadn’t thought about it before then, but I was suddenly dreading seeing the sleeping arrangements that Shayna had organised for us. I was ready to argue if I was sleeping away from Esti, which I expected I would be. Shayna led us to her bedroom, which in my house would have been the spare room. Where my room was small and poky, hers was spacious and light, again the room was filled with colour which seemed odd and misplaced for someone as dull as Shayna. Her bed was bigger than mine, it was draped with a plush blanket and the headboard was lined with cushions. On the floor, there were only two sleeping bags made up.

‘My mum said that… two of us could share the bed.’ Shayna mumbled. ‘And two could stay on the floor.’

‘I’ll stay on the floor.’ I said, quickly.

‘Me too.’ Esti said immediately after me.

I think I heard Shayna mutter ‘of course’, before she turned to her chest of drawers to pull out a set of grey, cotton pyjamas. She moved with sharp movements after that, like she was frustrated. Deborah didn’t say anything. Soon everyone had their pyjamas in their hands.

‘We can take turns getting dressed in the bathr-’ Shayna started to speak with limp authority, though I’d already pulled off my shirt and skirt and had thrown them on top of my overnight bag. I looked up with a yawn when I sensed the frozen breath in the room.

‘Ronit!’ Esti hissed but a quizzical stare remained on her face. Deborah and Shayna were stood awkwardly, their mouths pinched together and their eyes wildly flitting from me to elsewhere in the room.

‘What?’ I spoke to the room and looked down at my body, laughing. I was wearing one of my mother’s old white bras and white briefs. ‘It’s just a body, we’ve all got one.’

‘Maybe not everyone wants to see-’ Esti started but she was interrupted.

‘You’re right, Ronit.’ Shayna said boldly. She started tugging at her own clothes, gradually revealing her skinny, pale body. I pulled on my pyjamas and tried not to focus on the individual, jutting rungs of her ribs.

‘I think- I think I’ll still use the bathroom.’ Deborah’s entire face had gone red and she shuffled out of the bedroom with desperate haste.

I was fully clothed in my pyjamas while Shayna fastened the last of her buttons; her cheeks were flushed. I felt myself grinning because, amused at creating the discomfort, but when my eyes caught Esti, I felt my smile drop slightly. She looked irritated.

‘Are you going to use the bathroom, Esti?’ Shayna asked.

‘No.’ Esti said, still looking at me. She started unzipping the side of her skirt and let it silently drop to the floor. She leaned against Shayna’s bed and peeled off her tights, slowly, exposing her toned calves and thighs. The whole time she was staring at me. I had to swallow away some air that had caught in my throat when she lifted her jumper over her head. She was wearing a tight, white t-shirt that revealed she wasn’t wearing a bra; my face grew warm. I entirely forgot that Shayna was in the room, though after a while I looked over and saw her watching me. Esti pulled her pyjama trousers up but slid into her sleeping bag without putting her shirt on. I hurriedly joined her on the floor in my own sleeping bag, which smelled like it was brand new, and rearranged myself closer to her. Shayna slumped onto her bed without a word.

Deborah eventually returned, she’d tied up her hair and looked prettier than normal.

‘Shall I sleep this side, Shayna?’ She asked, standing uncomfortably above me and Esti.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Shayna sighed.

There was no more talk. Someone turned a lamp off, and soon I heard both Shayna and Deborah slip into that deep, rhythmic breathing that comes with new sleep.

I lifted my arm out of my sleeping bag and rested it on Esti, she made no move, though in the pale moonlight seeping through the curtains, I could see that her eyes were open. I brought my arm up and attempted to slide it into her sleeping bag, I just reached her stomach when she twisted away from me.

‘Stop it.’ She whispered, her voice barely audible over Deborah and Shayna’s gentle snores.

‘What?’ I asked, retrieving my arm.

‘We can’t- I’m not-’

‘Why not?’

‘Because.’

‘Are you annoyed with me?’ I asked her, leaning up on my elbow.

‘No.’ She huffed.

‘You are.’

She went quiet, I saw her eyes flicker to me. ‘Why did you do that?’

‘Do what?’

‘Get… undressed. In front of them.’

‘Oh, Esti, really?’ I spoke too loudly and one of the girls stirred on the bed above us. I lowered my voice again. ‘It was nothing.’

She didn’t speak.

‘I wanted to get into my pyjamas quickly.’ I said. ‘So that I could get down here with you quicker.’

I saw her bite her lip.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said, even though I didn’t know what I was really apologising for.

‘I don’t like it… when other people…’

I think I knew what she was trying to say. It seemed odd to me, but I tried to understand it. I leant down and kissed her, careful not to let our lips smack too loudly. She kissed me back with a fervour I wasn’t expecting. One of her hands held my cheek and I had to stifle a moan as our tongues deepened. We shared hushed kisses on the floor until that yearning burn returned. I wondered if she’d let me touch her again. I attempted it; I lowered my hand into her sleeping bag, making it softly rustle. I felt her legs part and her hips rise as my hand reached her.

‘I’m yours.’ I said with my lips brushing hers.

‘I know.’ She replied, with quiet resignation. ‘I’m yours, too.’

I slipped my hand under the waistband of her pyjamas and underwear. I felt the warmth, the wetness and I lost control of my breathing. Esti tried to shush me gently, with her lips and her fingers on my lips. I felt a slickness of sweat cover my legs in my own sleeping bag. I let my fingers stroke all over her, teasing her until her hips jolted, I was trying to ignore the sounds of Deborah’s and Shayna’s sleeping.

‘Please.’ She whispered so quietly that I almost missed it. I slid two fingers inside her and felt a hot breath of her relief pant onto my neck. My whole body was covered in shivers. I heard Esti bite her mouth shut to stop the rugged, rasping breaths escaping her. It was exciting, trying to be quiet, and I enjoyed that our bodies were so close together. I curled my fingers and Esti’s body started to rock, she pulled me even nearer her, so that our chests were pressed together. I had the urge to fully undress myself and her, to thrust against her naked body, but the sleeping bags would have made so much noise; I couldn’t. I kept curling my fingers, making them firmer with each flex of my fingers. She nodded and started to shudder, and I felt her tighten around my fingers. Her hands clenched the back of my neck and shoulder while her body silently quivered and shook; I saw her lips shake in the moonlight.

When I brought my hand back, I rested my head on her chest for a moment. I listened to her fast heart, thudding in her chest; I wanted to keep that sound, I wanted to remember it. I tried to memorise the pattern of noise it made. She stroked my hair and neck, and I sat up, she moved to kiss me and slid her hand under my nightshirt, cupping my breast.

‘Do you want me to…?’ She whispered, as she started to lower her other hand.

‘Do you think you could… use your mouth?’ I asked in a breathy whisper, knowing I had to feel her tongue on me. I was starting to feel pain down there. I saw her face pull into an almost pitying expression.

‘It’ll be too loud.’ She said, looking up at the bed.

‘Please? I’ll be quiet.’

She waited, but eventually she nodded, biting her bottom lip. As quietly as I could, I slithered the zip of my sleeping bag down, feeling the elements opening. I brought my hot legs out of it and pulled my bottoms down to my knees, proud of myself for making no noise. Esti climbed out of her own sleeping bag, either Shayna or Deborah huffed in their sleep.

Esti kissed a section of my stomach that was exposed but immediately moved to in between my legs. Within seconds I felt her hot, rampant tongue and lips around me, sending me into a frenzy. I bent my knees, slid my feet along the carpet and gripped her hair. I desperately tried to be discreet, but air was grating my throat and the speed and precision of her mouth was making it impossible to be still. I started to feel a trickle of sweat on my forehead, the overwhelming urge to cry out was forcing against my need to be silent. I gently held Esti’s head and attempted to slow her down by scooting backwards. I supported her head into a measured motion, which she took to with ease. I calmed down, and her tongue relaxed; instead of a wild, speedy pleasure, she gave me an unhurried, drawn out indulgence. I started to twitch after several minutes, feeling the potency of bliss propel inside me. I held her face against me, as the sheer emotion took over my body; flooding from the top of my head to my curled toes.

It took me longer to recover because I couldn’t exhale normally. Esti kissed me with her mouth still wet and rested her head on my chest. She helped me pull my underwear and pyjama bottoms up.

‘I love you.’ She whispered into my ear.

‘I love you too.’ I whispered back.

I fell asleep quickly but woke up with a jolt a little while later when a door slammed downstairs. I looked around, confused and startled but then I noticed Esti had slipped into my sleeping bag and was sharing my pillow. I stroked her hair until I fell asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I just returned from a short break so thank you for your patience. I am back now and writing again.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> CN
> 
> P.S. Thank you to whoever sent the Starbucks voucher - so very much appreciated! It's winter in England and I am savouring every piping hot coffee I get :)


	28. The Offer

When I woke up in the morning, Esti was back in her own sleeping bag, gently breathing in a light slumber. My body felt incomplete without her, like I was missing a limb. Having her so close but not being able to hold her against me made me feel strange and disjointed. I wondered as I looked at her, if there’d ever be a time when we’d be able to be open with each other. Would there be a time when we’d be able to show the world that we loved each other? The thought started to make me sad and scared, so I turned my mind away from it. I shuffled onto my side and scuffled towards her along the carpet, but the sleeping bag was crinkly and created a bristle of noise in the silent bedroom, and suddenly, as though they’d all woken from the same dream, Shayna, Deborah and Esti started to stir.

‘Morning.’ I whispered to Esti, as she peeled her eyes apart and took me in with a drowsy contentment. A line of deep purple traced her upper eyelid, I wanted to kiss her, but I settled for laying my hand on her stomach. Shayna’s bedroom received the sun as it rose, meaning the walls were splashed with a bright orange glow, with the thin shadows of the trees from their garden slicing through them.

‘Morning.’ Esti replied with a sleepy voice. I noticed she had a bit of blue fluff on her cheek from the sleeping bag, so I very slowly picked it up, ensuring I stroked her skin as I did so.

‘How did everyone sleep?’ A voice from above us cut across our soft morning greeting; Shayna sounded wide awake and mildly irked.

‘I had some trouble getting to sleep.’ I didn’t take my eyes off Esti’s face. ‘Esti kept me up.’ I said with a grin.

She mouthed something scolding but I couldn’t tell what; though she was smiling dopily and resting her hand on mine, I took the opportunity to stroke her fingers while we were out of Deborah and Shayna’s sights.

‘Is it too early for breakfast?’ I heard Deborah ask, the squeak of her glasses opening as she put them on.

‘No. We can have breakfast.’ Shayna sighed and sat up. Esti and I whipped our hands away from each other and sat up as well. ‘Mum made bagels yesterday.’ Shayna said with a yawn.

The word ‘bagels’ suddenly distracted me, and I felt my stomach gurgle. ‘Is there lox?’ I asked, staring up. Shayna’s hair was sticking up and had curled slightly at the ends.

‘Yes.’ Shayna said, suddenly brighter. ‘There’s lots of lox.’

 

Shayna ended up making us all a bagel each, and me a second, as we sat around her parent’s grand dining table. A troupe of golden candlesticks sat in the centre of the table, frames filled with pictures of Shayna lined a marble fireplace and paintings of artwork hung all over the walls. It seemed brighter and friendlier here, my mind felt calmer than it did in my own home.

‘Why do your parents have so much money, Shayna?’ I asked, after swallowing a mouthful of bread and salmon.

‘Erm, I don’t know.’ Shayna replied, poking her half-eaten bagel. I could feel she was swinging her legs under the table; she always did that, either jigged or shook her legs restlessly. It was infuriating.

‘Your mum only works at the bookshop.’ I said, picking my teeth. ‘And your dad just reads the Torah all day. You’ve got really nice stuff.’

‘Ronit.’ Esti said, bowing her head.

Shayna only shrugged again, but she looked happier and bolder. I shrugged as well and returned to wiping the cream cheese from my plate. Esti dipped her head, clearly embarrassed while Deborah watched us all with a gormless expression.

I didn’t think there was much point in us staying for very long, until Mrs Finkel woke up and joined us in the dining room – then I felt like staying. She was wearing a thin, black robe that hugged her waist and made my cheeks burn. Her wig was wonky, and her smile was broad. While she spoke to us, leaning against the door, I noticed that Esti’s head inclined towards her and stayed there until she left to get ready for work.

I was forced to get dressed in the bathroom after breakfast, if only to appease Esti and her desire for me to keep my body hidden. One by one we dressed in the bathroom. I was hoping that when Shayna and Deborah dressed there would be a point when Esti and I would be alone but neither of them gave us any time at all. I tried to sneak into the bathroom while Esti getting dressed, but Deborah caught me knocking as she walked up the stairs.

‘What are you doing?’ She asked, staring up at me. I never noticed before how short she was.

‘Oh, Esti asked me to help her.’

‘With what?’

‘To find her hairband.’ I said quickly.

‘She doesn’t wear her hair up.’ Deborah replied, her plain face dropping into a creased frown.

‘Your hair looks pretty when it’s up.’ I said as I forced the corners of my lips to spread, but I naturally started smiling when I saw how red Deborah’s cheeks had gone. She started to bluster, grin wildly and pushed her fringe across her forehead.

‘Th-thanks Ronit.’ She said, before wandering off.

 I sighed and tried tapping on the door again, but Esti must not have heard. I slumped back into Shayna’s bedroom and waited for her to finish. Soon enough, we were all standing in Shayna’s room, uncomfortably waiting for something fun to happen.

‘Shall we go to the park?’ Shayna suggested with a flick of her ponytail.

‘I think I might go home.’ Esti said, crossing her arms. ‘Sorry Shayna, my mum gets upset when I’m out for too long in the mornings.’

‘I think I’ll go too.’ I said, mirroring Esti’s pose.

‘Oh, okay.’ Shayna said. ‘What about you?’ She asked, looking to Deborah.

‘I have to go and see my cousins today.’ Her large eyes wandered to the golden clock on Shayna’s bedside table. ‘Caleb will be here soon.’

My stomach swooped at the mention of his name, and I sensed Esti tense next to me. I didn’t know what I was feeling. Worry, but also excitement? I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to remain casual.

‘He’s coming here?’ Shayna asked, her eyebrows raising inquisitively. Deborah nodded. ‘That’s fun.’ Shayna said, her head snapped towards Esti, whose face had contorted. I think I could just make out the bone of her jaw tensing behind her hair.

‘Mm. I’m sure he’d like to see you, Ronit.’ Deborah said, with no edge of intent or malice.

I didn’t respond, but I stuffed my hands into my pockets and nodded briskly. I did feel like I was looking forward to seeing Caleb, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to kiss him or touch him but perhaps… that was it. As I thought about it more, it became clearer. While I didn’t want to pay any attention to him, I still wanted him to pay attention to me. I wanted him to see me and want to kiss me even though I had little desire to return it.

Shayna took us all to the lounge and attempted to teach Deborah a few songs on the piano, while I started brushing my hair with my fingers and pinching my cheeks in the mirror at the far end of the room.

‘What are you doing?’ Esti had snuck up behind me; she must have realised that I wasn’t paying any attention to Deborah’s awful playing. ‘Why are your cheeks so red?’

‘I’m just embarrassed for Deborah. She can’t play a note.’ I lied, but it made Esti laugh nonetheless. She was staring at me with that look that she wore sometimes, usually just before she kissed me. She looked like she was about to speak, but the doorbell rang out and Mrs Finkel called out from upstairs for Shayna to get the door.

‘That’ll be Caleb.’ Deborah said, sounding saddened as she slowly left the piano seat and trudged out of the room. Shayna followed and I fell in line behind her, I heard Esti trailing me.

When Shayna opened the door, we were all standing there facing him. He was wearing a long, grey coat which fell to his knees, his _kippah_ lazily clipped to the back of his head, covering his honey hair. He started laughing and blinked several times when he saw us, I felt a tightness in my chest when his orange eyes settled on me.

‘What a welcome.’ He said. ‘Shayna, Esti, Ronit, long time no see.’ He paused on me, but I only smiled at him. ‘Are you ready Deborah?’

‘Yes.’ She replied with a sulk.

‘Come along then.’ Caleb said, still looking at me. I could feel Esti’s eyes burning through both of us. Deborah took a sombre step out of the door, thanked Shayna and said goodbye to me and Esti.

‘Bye girls.’ Caleb said, still with that smirk on his face that enraged me but at the same time drove me wild.

‘Bye Caleb.’ I called after him, but I didn’t say anything more. I could almost feel the angry heat coming off Esti and that was just from looking at him. I didn’t want to upset her, because I wanted to take her back to my house, to my bedroom, and I knew she never would if I’d interacted any more with him.

‘Well, this has been fun Shayna.’ I said, with scarce sincerity. ‘I think we’ll be going.’

‘Both of you?’ Shayna said. ‘Together?’

‘I’m going to my house.’ Esti said quickly.

‘And you’re going to your house?’

‘I’m… going to my house, yes.’ I said, hoping that Esti was only lying.

Shayna didn’t make it easy for us to leave; she was quiet and awkward and gave us both drawn out hugs before we left, though I think mine was slightly longer. By the time the sun had fully risen, and shining against a bright blue sky, Esti and I were both on our way, walking hand in hand along the deserted street.

‘You were just lying about going home, weren’t you?’ I asked her, and she gave a tight smile.

‘I do need to check on my mother.’

‘But after that? You can come to mine after that.’

She nodded. ‘Hopefully. I’ll tell her that I’m going somewhere else.’

‘Does she really hate me that much?’

‘No, no- I didn’t mean that.’

I scoffed. ‘I don’t really care.’ I said, purposefully letting go of her hand as a metallic blue car passed us. I didn’t care what her mother thought; she was mad as a hatter anyway, but I didn’t dare say that.

‘I’ll call you, and I’ll let you know.’ Esti said, as we approached the split in the road that separated our houses. I nodded and touched Esti’s cheek, feeling brave enough to kiss her after what we’d done the night before. ‘What was it like, just now? Seeing Caleb?’

The question took me by surprise. ‘Fine.’ I replied, unsure of how to craft my answer. Another few cars passed us.

‘Fine?’

‘Mm, yeah. I mean, it was fine.’

‘Okay.’ She leaned up and pecked my cheek at the exact same time the blue car from before passed us again. Did it slow down as it went by? It certainly looked like it. I couldn’t see who was driving it, but I could see a blurred face turned towards us. ‘I’ll talk to you later.’ She said, not noticing the slow-moving car beside us.

‘Okay.’ I said, trying to ignore it. ‘Bye then.’ Once the car had disappeared, I took her hand in mine and stroked it with my thumb.

‘I love you.’ She said quietly, taking a step towards her road.

‘I love you too.’ I replied, feeling that spread of lightness in my body whenever she said those words to me.

I gambolled home, kicking stones and conkers along the pavement as I went. By the time I reached my front door, I’d collected a hoard of shiny conkers and had filled my pockets with them.

I heard voices in the house as soon as I stepped inside; deep, manly tones that sounded energetic and enthused. I focussed on the noise so that I could better avoid whoever it was; it was coming from the living room. The closer I listened, the more I heard; there were some hushed women’s voices too.

‘Ronit? Is that you?’ My father called out, he sounded so happy it didn’t sound like him at all. ‘Come through. Look who has returned!’

Cautiously and with a large, loud sigh, I stepped towards the living room and creaked the door open. My father was sat in his chair, my mother’s brother Moshe and his wife Fruma sat opposite him on the old, worn sofa. Mrs Ceder was standing behind my father. They all had cups of tea in their hands.

‘Hello Uncle Hartog, Aunt Hartog.’ I said. I glanced at Mrs Ceder, but I didn’t say anything.

‘Ronit.’ My uncle greeted me cheerfully. ‘Have you missed us?’

‘I didn’t notice you were gone.’ I said, and everyone except my father laughed.

‘Such quick wit.’ My uncle chuckled. ‘She gets that from Leah clearly, Rav.’

‘Mm.’ My father said, clearly not impressed. ‘How was Shayna’s?’ He asked me. ‘Did you behave?’

‘Yes, I did. It was fine.’ I said, my eyes catching Mrs Ceder again. She really was grotesque looking, nothing at all like my mother. She had sunken, pig-like eyes and ridiculously short, black hair that didn’t frame her face at all. I hated her already. ‘I’m going to go to my room.’

‘Oh, wait Ronit.’ My aunt Fruma started rooting around in a white plastic bag by her feet. ‘Here, we brought you something from Wales.’ I had always liked Fruma. She was kind to me, and generous and she always told me stories about my mother. Moshe could be cold, but he was mostly harmless. A small part of me was actually happy that they had come back. Fruma handed over a small decorated box of salted fudge to me. ‘It’s just a little something, we ate barrels of it in Wales, didn’t we Moshe?’

‘Thank you.’ I said, studying the giant red dragon on the front.

‘Why don’t you share it out with your friends, dear? Take it to school on Monday.’

‘I will.’ I nodded, knowing I would share it all with Esti. ‘Thank you. It’s nice to see you both.’ I turned to leave, when I heard her call my name.

‘Ronit?’

I didn’t turn around but felt my shoulder blades tighten.

‘I was going to go shopping later.’ Mrs Ceder continued. ‘Why don’t you come with me?’

I slowly turned, feeling the red lashing of harsh words on my tongue already. I clenched the box of fudge in my hand and bit back what I wanted to say. I caught my father’s eyes, sharp but mingled with a pleading shine. I felt her trying to force her way into our lives and I felt a prickly heat creep up my spine.

‘Okay.’ I said.

‘And maybe you could help me with dinner later?’

‘So, you’re staying for dinner again?’ I asked.

‘Ronit.’ My father said.

‘Okay.’ My words were sped up. ‘I can do that.’ I spoke with a detached but solid tone. A night on Shayna’s hard carpet had made me achey and exhausted and I didn’t have the energy to be smart.

‘Lovely.’ Mrs Ceder said, taking a sip from her cup. I gave a brisk nod to the room and left them alone. I caught a look at my father before I left; he looked content.

When I got upstairs, I immediately showered and dressed in a loose yellow dress that must have been my mother’s. I’d always had it, it was my favourite because it was colourful, such a stark contrast to all of the clothes I saw in Hendon. It also showed my legs and arms and made me feel free. I laid back on my bed, with my mother’s chain in my hand and yearned for the day I would be able to get out of this house, perhaps out of Hendon altogether. I thought about what my own house would be like. I imagined the bright walls, the new, clean floors, the modern artwork everywhere, the soft bed and the living room which would be covered in candles and books and cameras. I’d just started thinking about having my own developing room, when the phone starting thrumming throughout the house.

I immediately ran down the stairs, taking two at a time to ensure I got there before anyone else did. I lifted the receiver and all my thoughts of the future fizzled away when I heard her voice.

‘You can come here if you want? My parents have gone out.’

I left the house without saying goodbye to anyone.


	29. The Hunger

The phone went dead within seconds after she said goodbye. She must have been in a rush. Perhaps her father was irritating her, or maybe she just desperately wanted to be out of her lonely house. I knew that whatever it was, she wouldn’t talk much about it. She would never talk about her father to me, so I tried not to ask her about him; though it was difficult, because I hated the thought of her alone and miserable in that dreary house. My mother made me made me feel wretched sometimes, but I could always depend on my father and my grandfather if I needed to. I wanted to give her more, but I could only offer what I could; my ears, my words and my body. I thought about her reaction to Caleb earlier, the way she’d made her cheeks blush and combed her wild hair with her hands for him. I wondered why she had done that while I’d been there. I knew she still liked him, and I didn’t know how I felt about that but the red-hot stone in my throat gave me some indication. I thought about Caleb then. The more I thought about it, the more I could see him marrying her one day. I could see them both happy and smiling in the synagogue while I sat above them, staring down with an emptiness in my chest.

 _‘I told him I was going to marry you.’_ She had said to me on her birthday. I hadn’t stopped repeating those words to myself. When I held her while she slept on me, they’d rolled in my mind so many times that I felt myself imagining it… but that was ridiculous, even though it seemed right in my head.

I wandered around the house mindlessly, picking things up and putting them down in an oddly nervous state. I started to clean the kitchen, I wiped the sides down and scooped the crumbs from my parents’ bagels into the bin. I had told them I wasn’t feeling well, because all I wanted was Ronit.

A loud, thumping knock disturbed my thoughts and I dashed to the door. She was standing there, red-faced and panting.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ She exhaled loudly. ‘I ran here. Can I have some water? Please?’

‘Y-yes, of course you can.’ I stepped back, and she threw herself through the door with her limbs slightly flailing; she looked taller now that I was looking at her.

‘How was home?’ I asked, following her to the kitchen.

‘Boring.’ She said, twisting the cold tap on and thrusting her head into the sink.

‘Ronit, I can get you a glass, you don’t have to drink from the tap.’

‘It’s okay.’ She said, the water gurgling through her mouth. ‘Saves washing up.’ She took a final slurp and wiped her mouth with her hand. She was wearing a flowy yellow dress that revealed her arms and legs and the slight prominence of the bones in her chest. I looked at them and looked away.

‘Was your father there?’ I asked and she nodded.

‘Where are your parents?’

‘Family thing. They’ll be out all night.’ I said, not wanting to change the subject. ‘Was the Rav all right?’

‘He was fine. His normal cheery self.’ Ronit said, looking like she had finally caught her breath. She took a step towards me and weaved her arms around my waist, I felt her hands clasp behind my back and my heart sped up.

‘Did he say anything about Mrs Ceder?’ I asked, noticing my voice sounded like a breath.

‘She was there.’

‘Was she?’

She nodded again. ‘She asked me to go shopping with her,’ she stroked my cheek which burned under her touch. ‘So naturally I ran away.’ She grinned at me and leant in. She smelled like the outdoors, she’d caught sweet flowers and the bloom of the blossom trees on her skin. Her soft lips touched mine and I sunk in stature.

‘And…’ I pulled back slightly. ‘Was she all right?’

‘You’re very chatty.’ She gave a half-cocked smile and touched my hair and I could feel myself losing my train of thought.

‘I just want to make sure you’re okay.’ I whispered.

‘I’ll be fine if you keep kissing me.’

So I did. With my hand on the back of her head, I pulled her to me and kissed her. We were stood in my dank, cramped kitchen with its stained, yellow walls stuck in an embrace that I wished would last forever. Her tongue roamed in my mouth and one of her hand crept lower while I ran my hand over her chest. The thin material of the dress allowed me to feel the softness of her breast. I moaned, and she laughed with a gasp.

‘Shayna’s was fun, wasn’t it?’ Ronit said, her voice gravelly. It got like that when we kissed, deeper, aching and hungry. Her hand slipped to the small of my back and she pulled me closer, so that our hips were pressed together. She kept her lips inches from mine as she looked into my eyes. I felt the potency of our feelings fusing between us, something building even though we weren’t touching.

‘Do you… want to come upstairs?’ I asked her. Her plum lips parted, and I saw her tongue trace along them as she stared at my mouth. She nodded one last time, before I led her upstairs.  

We threw ourselves onto my bed, indulging in the fact that my parents weren’t home and that my bed that didn’t squeak like hers did. We moved freely and with exaggerated enthusiasm. I pulled her dress over her head and tugged at her underwear as she tore my clothes from my body. Soon I could feel all of her on me, her skin pressed against me, her hair tickling my shoulders and chest as she kissed and sucked my neck. She’d already started circling that warm, sensitive part of me with her fingers. I knew I was wet, whatever it was that caused that, it had happened when she’d kissed me in the kitchen. I started to whimper and thrust my hips into her hand, I needed to feel her inside me. She understood and with a shaky breath, she slid inside me. I felt the full force and confidence of her fingers, curling and driving deep within me. I heard a soft grunt in her throat with every thrust of her arm, I tried desperately to reach for her, but I couldn’t stretch enough, so I trailed my fingers over her breasts and let her work my body in the way she’d learned how.

‘I love this.’ Ronit whispered as her lips grazed my ear, her entire body was quaking above me.

‘Is it your favourite?’ The words staggered out from my mouth.

She paused. ‘One of my favourites.’ She mumbled as her fingers started to move faster, tapping away inside me, forcing me to squeeze her between my legs and repeatedly moan her name, which only made her go faster. I swore, she groaned and slumped forward. I felt her starting to grind as pleasure surmounted within me, I cried out, grabbing her tensed, bare shoulders as we rocked together.

Her breathing was rugged and raspy in my ear, and without waiting a moment, I flipped her onto her back and kissed her mouth, jaw and neck as I lowered myself, indulging in every inch of skin I could get my mouth over. A flash of Caleb in my mind made me move with more passion and vigour.

I had to show her how I felt, I thought. And I could show her now, with my whole self. I was still recovering when I started kissing her breasts, I moved down over her ribs, letting my fingers slowly drag down her sides which made her twitch and beg for me.

‘What is your favourite?’ I asked her, with my lips trailing over her taut stomach.

‘I like this.’ She said, a cocky smile reaching across her mouth. She licked her lips and looked down. ‘I like it when you use your mouth, a lot.’

‘I do too.’ I said, not knowing where to look as she laid there exposed and entirely open to me.

She shuddered when I reached her with my mouth, her legs splayed out and she twitched as I kissed and licked everywhere except where she needed me. I sensed her looking down at me, so I raised my eyes to gaze up at her. Our eyes met, and she started smiling with her mouth open, her chest dipping and rising at a great rate.

I stretched my tongue out and I tasted her, a rush cascaded through my entire body, making my skin buzz. I kept my eyes locked with hers, her face had fallen into a model of pleasure; her mouth opened wider, her eyes closed, and her head drooped backwards. I felt her hand on the side of my head, pulling me in closer so that I could taste her fully. As I savoured her, I dragged my tongue slowly up and down and ignored the warm whirring on my skin. It was like she was giving me life and light inside me when I did this. I took all of her in my mouth and she started moaning my name as her hands gripped me tighter. We were rampant, everything we did was wrapped in a wild hunger for each other. She was loud as I sunk my teeth into the inside of her thighs, though I was gentle when I returned to the wet, sensitive area that made me feel overwhelmed and filled me with roaring desire.

‘This, this is- my- favourite.’ She said, each word stabbed with craving as her fingers tangled in my hair. I heard her need for me in her voice and I knew in that moment that I needed her. Whatever climax we felt, whatever she was feeling I wanted to give it to her tenfold. ‘Can I…’

‘What?’ I pulled back slightly, and she whined.

‘No, don’t stop.’ She puffed, so I continued without asking. ‘I just- I want to do it to you too. At the same time.’

I moaned into her, the thought was enticing, exciting and seemed oddly disobedient, but I wanted it. How would it work? I felt her shift upwards onto her elbows. I continued licking and sucking her, and occasionally she would let out a long, loud gasp with a breath that filled the room. We eventually parted long enough to move our bodies so that we could do what she wanted. My head was between her legs, and her head was between mine. As we moved, I noticed my bedroom windows had started to steam up.

I dove straight back to her, making my tongue go deeper which forced her to grip my thighs. When I felt her tongue on me, my eyelids fluttered, and I automatically groaned. Our bodies rolled like that for a long time, we ended up simply kissing each other in between our legs. It was the most intimate act, the feel of her hot mouth on me and mine on her. Something changed, this felt more secret and private than anything else. I had her in her entirety, and she had me. We had each other, it felt final.

She started to moan with a high pitch, I’d learned that sound. She was close, so I changed the way my mouth moved. I puckered my lips and instead of flicking my tongue, I massaged her with it. Her mouth fell away from me, and her head dropped onto my leg as our stomachs, slick with sweat, pressed together.

‘Esti, yes.’ Her voice was elevated, her breath accelerating. I couldn’t see her, but images of her face flashed through my mind and I went faster and faster, until her legs tightened around me and she gasped for air. I didn’t stop after she’d finished, I carried on. I don’t know why, but I wanted to carry on and she let me. I wanted to lick everything, to consume her; she was everything, why would I ever not want to have her here?

‘Jesus, fuck.’ Ronit panted. ‘Fuck, that feels- feels- even better.’

‘Mm?’ I questioned but I didn’t move my face. I wondered if I could make her feel that again, so soon after the first.

‘Ye- yes.’ It sounded like she was crying, but I knew she was enjoying herself. I heard her throaty laugh mingled with indulgence. ‘I love you- please- keep- doing- that.’ She said, through gritted teeth.

So I did. I didn’t stop until every part of her body shook, until I saw her face screw up with an overwhelming joy that I knew only I could give her. When she started moaning my name, I started whispering hers. I couldn’t stop, I could never stop doing this. She couldn’t stop either. We carried on, holding each other, clinging to each other, pushing every part of ourselves against the other one. There wasn’t a moment when we weren’t touching, her hands caressed every inch of me, sometimes roughly but I enjoyed it, and my fingers stroked every soft stretch of skin on her body. With our clammy foreheads, and sweat dampening our hair we kissed, deeply and passionately, so much so that when she took her tongue from my mouth, I missed it.

She was leaning slightly above me, with one arm under my neck and the other stroking in between my legs. Her breath was tickling my face, a sheen of sweat shimmered on her upper lip. Her eyes were drifting over me, her lids half-closed.

‘What is it?’ I asked her, the sound of my voice disturbing the tranquillity of soft, subtle pleasure we’d created in my bedroom.

‘Your mouth.’ She murmured.

We were breathing in tandem, she leant in and slipped her tongue into my mouth. It was warm, wet and determined, and deliberately stroking the inside of my cheek. She pulled back her head again, still close to my face but far enough that we could look into each other’s eyes. She moved her mouth in an odd way, like she was licking her bottom teeth.

‘Open your mouth.’ She said, with no trace of demand. Her plea was so sensitive I automatically did as she requested, I felt my lips tremble as I did so. Her head bent over me and her lips puckered, a thin trickle of saliva dropped from her mouth into mine. I felt it on my tongue, I felt her on my tongue, slippery, wet and sensual; I convulsed and moaned with a grating croakiness.

‘Do that again.’ I said with a sudden urgency.

She brought her mouth back and did the same thing, letting a longer line of spit fall into my mouth. This time, when I felt it on my tongue, I experienced the sensation of her fingers once again penetrating me, where I was still profoundly sensitive from before. My body responded without me being fully aware of it.

I felt the depth of her fingers curling inside me, the feel of her saliva in my mouth, dripping down my throat. A sensuality rocketed inside me and I grappled at her head, neck and shoulders, desperate for her to be inside me and on top of me. I heard her gentle grunting as her arm grew rapid and quick. I was suddenly overcome by the sight of her, the smell of her hair and her skin and the feeling she was giving me, which made my thighs throb and my toes curl. I felt the current of relief rushing through me, from the tip of my head to the soles of my feet, I felt the effect of Ronit deep within me. I cried out loudly, with tears rolling down my cheeks. I thought afterwards that even if my parents had been home, I would have made the same noises and had the same reaction.

I laid flat on my back with my arms and legs splayed for a long time, while Ronit softly kissed my chest, my ribs and my stomach. Eventually she slowed, and laid on top of me, with her ear resting on my chest, just over my heart. I enjoyed the weight of her there, even though it made my breathing strenuous.

As I recouped my energy and my thoughts, I felt that horrible sting of sadness in my chest. A swampy, claggy grief bubbled inside me for a reason that I couldn’t remember. Then it came back to me; Caleb. The little nugget of sadness suddenly grew and spread across my chest and down into my stomach. I shifted slightly, and she sat up.

‘Shall we smoke?’ She asked, before leaning in to kiss me again. I nodded and together, we got out of my bed. She searched in one of her pockets for a tattered cigarette box and joined me at the window. We were both nude as we smoked, relishing the sight of each other’s bodies as we inhaled the burning smoke into our lungs and breathed it out through a hole in the curtains. I was just about to ask her then; a question teetered on the tip of my tongue.

 _‘Why did you want to impress Caleb earlier?’_ I could have asked, or something along those lines. We were both so dopey and high off of smoke and each other that she might have answered me honestly.

I could have asked her a lot of questions in that time. I could have asked more about Mrs Ceder, about her father. I could have admitted my negative feelings about Caleb, I could have told her about my jealousy of him and the other girls that fawned over her… but I didn’t.

We finished the cigarettes and I wrapped my arms around her neck, my hands stroking over the smooth, taut skin of her shoulder blades. I inhaled the smell around us; the aroma of the smoke, the mustiness of our sweaty bodies, and the floral scent of her hair. Then I realised that it wasn’t important to talk then. We’d have the rest of our lives to talk. But at that moment, she was there with me, and that was all that mattered.


	30. The Shopping Trip

Esti and I didn’t leave her bedroom at all that afternoon. We remained there for hours; naked, entwined and undisturbed. Towards the early evening, she went downstairs to make chicken sandwiches for us, she brought up hot tea and biscuits she’d baked as well, and for twenty minutes we ate and drank and replenished our energy. Afterwards, when we kissed, her mouth was warm, and it tasted like dark sugar and cinnamon. It sounded stupid when I thought about it, but I felt that each time we kissed, something was being cemented inside me. I couldn’t help but understand that the feelings I had for Esti grew more profound every time we touched. When I thought about that, it scared me. So, I didn’t think about it.

‘What time are your mum and dad home?’ I asked, offering her the last cigarette I had, she took it from me and took a lungful of smoke.

‘I don’t know. Probably soon.’ She peeked through the curtains; it was getting darker outside. I could smell the city flowers in bloom mixed with the tinge of pollution, it was the smell of summer in London. Esti was leaning against the window sill wearing a baggy, green t-shirt that originally belonged to me. She’d had to borrow it one day after spending the night at my house because we couldn’t find her clothes in the piles of mess in my bedroom. Now I suppose, she had claimed it as her own. ‘You don’t have to go though.’ Esti said, handing the cigarette back to me.

‘It won’t be long until my father calls.’ I said, taking a long drag myself, trying to smoke away the heavy stone in the pit of my stomach; I hated that I was ruled by him. I took a step towards Esti and stroked her bare legs, feeling a rise of goosebumps on them. ‘I would love to stay, but I probably shouldn’t piss him off.’

‘Just stay.’ She begged. ‘I’ll tell him it was my fault, that I made you stay.’ Esti said, standing up so that her eyes were level with my mouth. She leaned up and we kissed, the bitter smoke and honeyed sweetness from the biscuits created a harsh contrast but it was enjoyable. ‘Please?’

I started to laugh. ‘He’s stupid sometimes, but I don’t think he’s _that_ thick.’ I flicked the cigarette out of the window and stared at her lips. ‘No one would ever believe that you’re the bad influence.’

Her jaw poked out, and her lips twisted in the way they did when she was angry or upset. ‘Okay.’

‘If I go, you won’t be mad, will you?’

‘No.’ Esti said, taking a few steps towards her bed. ‘You’re right. You should go and… make the effort.’

I nodded, though I wasn’t convinced. ‘Normally you’re the one rushing to go and do normal things.’ I said. ‘What’s changed?’

‘I just miss you when you’re not here.’ Her hand was clasped to her neck, her knees pulled up to her chest. ‘But you’re right, you should go and shop with Mrs Ceder.’

‘Ohh,’ I groaned. ‘I forgot she was there.’

‘Really?’ Esti tittered. ‘How could you forget?’

‘I don’t know, she just completely slipped my mind.’ I groaned again and sat on the end of Esti’s bed. I heard her crawl towards me, and soon her arms were around me and she was kissing the nape of my neck.

It felt good, so I let her carry on; soon her hands were spreading over my chest and down over my stomach. I let out a short gasp and she did too. I felt thrums of excitement tickle my skin, and when she let her teeth graze my skin I was hit by a shiver of exhilaration in my ribs. I turned quickly and pressed her back into the mattress. Our legs twisted together, and one of my hands found its way under her t-shirt. My other hand had just started lowering, my nails trailing over her abdomen, when the Halper’s phone rang out through the house, stopping us both.

‘Fuck, see, I told you.’ I said, standing up.

‘It might not be him.’ Esti said, sitting up and pulling her shirt down. ‘Let me get it.’

She left swiftly, I heard her light tread on the stairs. Her soft voice carried up the stairs.

‘Hello? Oh, hello Rav.’

A breath of frustrated air shot from my nostrils.

‘Yes, she’s here. Ye- yes, I’ll- I’ll tell her.’ She paused for a while. ‘No, they’re out tonight Rav.’

I had already started pulling on my clothes when Esti reappeared.

‘He wants you to go back.’ Esti said, stating the obvious. ‘He said the shops will close soon, and Mrs Ceder has been waiting.’

‘Great.’ I said, pulling on my socks. ‘I told you.’ I said again, not being able to control the smile stretching across my mouth. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was pouting, she was visibly upset. ‘I’ll come back maybe, they might not want me to have dinner with them.’

She nodded silently, and we hugged goodbye, that lasted for a long time. We also kissed and that lasted a while too. I made my way to my house, though each step felt like I was wandering further away from home.

 

‘Ronit!’ My father sounded unnervingly cheery. He was wearing a black jumper that stretched over his barrel chest and bloated stomach. ‘Good timing.’

‘Are you ready to shop ‘til we drop, Ronit?’ Mrs Ceder was already in her light summer jacket, her handbag resting on her lap. Her crooked teeth visible in a goofy smile.

‘Yeah.’ I said, with no great enthusiasm, though my father looked strangely elated.

We turned right back out the door and headed towards the main road. I wasn’t sure which shop we were going to, but they were all in the same area. Mrs Ceder walked slowly, I imagined because of her heft and the clunky black shoes she was wearing. She toddled along, looking a little bit like a dog walking on its hind legs.

‘You’re quite speedy, aren’t you?’ Mrs Ceder said, laughing out loud while her shoes scraped the rough pavement. I slowed, and we walked next to each other. ‘Your father told me that you and Esti are very good friends.’ She said, the strain of forcing conversation clear in her voice.

‘Mm.’ I replied, not wanting to think about Esti. I could still smell her on my body, my lips and my fingers; I couldn’t think about her while I was on my way to buy bread and milk with a stranger.

‘Her father is lovely, though I’ve never really gotten to know her mother.’ Mrs Ceder said, mildly out of breath.

‘Don’t bother,’ I said. ‘She’s horrible.’

‘Oh,’ Mrs Ceder started to giggle. ‘My, my. Well, I have heard stories.’ She said, taking me by surprise. Normally adults didn’t like it when you spoke about other adults like that. ‘She’s a good girl, Esti. She used to come along to our monthly fundraisers at the community centre, and she was always very pleasant.’

‘She is.’ I said, not enjoying the fact that I was having to think about Esti.

‘She should come for dinner.’ Mrs Ceder suggested, changing my mood entirely.

‘Really?’ I said, looking up at Mrs Ceder’s freckled nose.

‘Of course! What is dinner if not the time to spend with friends? I was thinking we could head in here first, Ronit.’ Mrs Ceder gestured towards the small grocery shop on the corner. ‘They do the cheapest corn in town.’ She said with an excitable wink.

Mrs Ceder handed me her list and I skimmed through it as we went from shop to shop getting different fruits, vegetables, tins and frozen foods. I was feeling enthusiastic now, and Mrs Ceder was so nice I couldn’t face being sarcastic or cutting with her. She even bought me a honeydew melon and a bag of fresh cherries from the market stall just because I’d been hovering near them.

‘I couldn’t believe it when I saw how bare your kitchen was.’ Mrs Ceder was heaving five shopping bags in her hands as I carried the fruit in mine. ‘I had a serious word with your father. A young girl needs nutrition.’

‘We normally get food from the deli.’ I said, feeling the words come naturally. ‘I used to cook more, lately he hasn’t- we haven’t had much in.’

‘It’s inexcusable, and I told him so.’

‘My mother used to do the shopping and cooking.’ I said, again not knowing where the words were drifting from, but I suppose I wanted them to come out.

Mrs Ceder was nodding, I think she was trying to control the depth of her breathing.

‘I knew your mother.’ Mrs Ceder said in a low voice. ‘She was a good woman. You look like her.’

‘I hear that a lot.’ I replied quickly, feeling a lump form in my throat.

‘You know, your father and I…’

‘No, don’t. I don’t- I don’t care. I don’t want to have this conversation.’ I felt my face heating up and I was relieved it was dark; I shifted the melon to my other arm, so that I could wipe my nose. ‘Sorry.’

‘No- no need to be sorry.’ Mrs Ceder said.

We carried on in painful silence after that. The roads were quiet, but just as we approached the cusp of our street, a familiar blue car passed us; the same one from the other night. A man’s head poked out of the driver’s side and called to Mrs Ceder.

‘Hana! Good evening.’ It was Mr Pascal, the tall, balding man who owned the bakery. He must have been the one who slowed down the other day as he passed me and Esti. I clawed at the memory; had we kissed when he’d driven by us? ‘Ronit, how are you?’ He had stopped his car in the centre of the road now.

‘Good evening Mr Pascal.’ Mrs Ceder called back while I jutted my jaw out; I never liked Mr and Mrs Pascal, they were busybodies.

‘Did you get the chocolate _babka_ we left for you?’ He shouted.

‘Oh, I did Samuel, thank you very much!’

Mr Pascal waved the gratitude away. ‘Psh, it was all Matilda.’ Though he was some distance away, I could tell Mr Pascal was staring at me. ‘Well, have a good evening.’

‘You too Samuel!’ Mrs Ceder said, bowing her head as Mr Pascal drove off slowly. Maybe that was just how he drove, I reasoned, trying to get rid of the niggling doubt in my gut.

‘When we get in,’ Mrs Ceder started speaking again in a more authoritative tone. ‘You give Esti a call, and I will start dinner.’

I nodded, feeling lighter as I remembered that I would see Esti again soon.

 

It didn’t take much to convince Esti to come over, she sounded overjoyed on the phone and I barely had time to say goodbye before she ran off to get dressed. I went to the kitchen with a hop in my step, for the first time in a long time, I felt a rounded happiness. There were no jagged bits in my mind, nothing stuck out and nothing made me angry. Esti was joining us for dinner, Mrs Ceder wasn’t as awful as I thought she was, and my father, for whatever mad reason, was being nice to me.

My father spent time with Mrs Ceder in the kitchen while I prepared the dining room for our meal. I actually heard him chuckle a few times. It wasn’t a bad feeling, hearing that. When I heard his footsteps approaching me, my stomach didn’t clench, and I didn’t feel nervous.

‘Ah Ronit, set up one more place, would you?’

I looked down at the table; there were four tablemats, four glasses and four sets of cutlery. I counted them out; me, Esti, Mrs Ceder and my father… was I missing something?

‘But, there’s only four of-’ I started but I was interrupted by a loud knock at the door.

My father stepped into the dining room, picked up another placemat and set of cutlery and started shifting the table décor around. ‘Go and get that, would you _sheifale_?’

I was immediately taken aback by the pet name, I couldn’t remember the last time he’d called me that. It made me feel nostalgic for some reason. I went to the door, suddenly eager to tell Esti what my father had just said, but when I opened it, it wasn’t Esti at all. It was Dovid.

‘Hi Ronit.’ He said meekly. 

‘Dovid.’ I peered behind him, I suppose I was looking for Esti. ‘What are you doing here? We’re about to have dinner.’

‘I know. The Rav invited me.’ His last words were firm and deeper; the wispy hairs on his chin had turned thicker and darker since the last time I’d seen him.

‘I think you got that wrong.’ I said.

Behind me, a booming exultant voice erupted. ‘Dovid! My boy, come in, come in. Ronit, don’t keep him on the doorstep like a salesman.’ Dovid stepped past me, avoiding even brushing me. ‘Have you been studying hard today, Dovid?’ My father continued. ‘Come through, have a small brandy, won’t you?’

Their conversation faded into the house and I stood in the doorway, suddenly feeling those jagged, sharp edges stabbing me again. I must have stood there for several more minutes. I was only aware I was still there when I heard a light patter of steps scraping over the gravel outside.

‘Ronit?’ It was Esti. Her hair was damp at the end, and she was wearing a grey pinafore dress that I loved and black, shiny shoes that sparkled in the yellow streetlight. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ I said, ushering her inside.

‘Something is wrong.’ She said.

‘No, nothing is wrong. Dovid’s here.’ I mumbled. ‘The Rav invited him for dinner as well.’

‘Oh.’ Esti’s eyes shot down to the carpet. ‘Do you want me to go home?’

I shook my head. ‘No.’

‘Are you sure? I can.’

‘Just come in, I’m cold.’ I snapped at her and felt instantly guilty. She hurried in and I closed the door.

‘You didn’t know he was coming?’ Esti whispered.

‘No, I just found out now.’

‘I’m sorry, Ronit.’

‘It’s fine.’ I sighed and took a few steps towards the dining room, hoping that my father and Dovid weren’t already in there, but they were in the kitchen. ‘Let’s get our seats now.’

Esti naturally sat next to me and we didn’t get a chance to say much before my father and Dovid entered, half-filled glasses of brandy in their hands. I felt prickly all over again, I didn’t want to look at Dovid, though Esti greeted him with a calm innocence; you wouldn’t know anything was wrong from her tone. Esti couldn’t be unpleasant to anyone, I thought as I scowled. Mrs Ceder eventually brought in a serving bowl of herby, garlic spaghetti and a side of leafy green salad. I barely touched the food even though it smelled delicious. I hadn’t been able to get the image of Dovid and Esti out of my head since I’d opened the door. For some reason, I’d created the entire scene in my head. Their lips touching, his hands on her; it made me feel sick.

Dovid’s confidence grew as the evening went on. For some reason, he was allowed to drink more alcohol than Esti and I, and he got stupidly tipsy, which was infuriating. He leaned over the table and spoke to Esti more than he spoke to anyone else, but I made sure I kept my hand on Esti’s leg for almost the entire night, concealed under the table. Occasionally she would rest her hand on top of mine and stroke my fingers.  After we’d eaten, Mrs Ceder started clearing the plates away.

‘Ronit, why don’t you help Hana tidy up?’

I felt my eyes shift around the table. I didn’t make a move to help and my father was just about to follow up, probably with harsher words because he was drunk, but Esti spoke before he could say another thing.

‘I’ll help Rav.’ She said, standing up and picking up several stacked plates. ‘To say thank you for dinner.’

‘Well, you are very sweet, Esti. Isn’t she a good girl, Dovid?’ My father nudged Dovid’s arm, Dovid nodded as he gazed at Esti. I tasted bile in my mouth.

I stared at my lap while Dovid and my father spoke, and while Mrs Ceder and Esti spoke in the kitchen. Yet again, I was drifting into that state of feeling like I didn’t belong, like I wanted- no, needed to escape.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ I heard Dovid ask, it was only then I realised my father must have left the dining room, as only me and Dovid remained in there.

‘You’re what’s wrong with me.’ I said, bluntly.

Dovid laughed, revealing the purple on his teeth from the wine. ‘You’re being immature. Such a child sometimes.’

‘You’re only a few months older than me. Stop acting like you’re already a rabbi.’ I said, my tongue sharpening in my mouth. ‘You’re just a little boy.’

‘You cannot speak to me like that!’ Dovid hissed. ‘You must show more respect!’

‘Respect is earned. And stop leering at Esti. It’s creepy.’

Dovid took a moment then, he sat back in his chair and smirked at me, shaking his head slowly. ‘You’re jealous.’

I laughed then, a mirthless guffaw. ‘ _I’m_ jealous?’ I said, outraged at such an accusation. ‘ _I’m_ jealous?’ I repeated, hearing the stupidity of his words.

‘Me and Caleb have talked about it.’ Dovid slurred. ‘You’re odd, Ronit, you’re not normal, and that’s accepted, everyone knows that… but you can’t make Esti that… way. She’s a good girl, she’s obedient and she-’

I felt myself grinning. I suddenly recalled earlier that day; Esti begging for me, the loudness of her moaning, my wet fingers inside her and her lips desperately clamouring for mine.

‘Maybe you’re right, Dovid.’ I said, hearing the pinch of sarcasm in my words, though it was lost on drunk Dovid. ‘Even still, she doesn’t like you, so don’t bother.’ I started picking at the spaghetti on my plate, I was suddenly very hungry.

‘Ronit, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.’ Dovid said, clearing his throat. ‘But Esti kissed me, and-’

Even though I already knew, the words churned in my head, they made the spaghetti taste rancid in my mouth. ‘I know.’ I said.

‘You… you know?’ Dovid said, colour trickling from his cheeks.

‘Yep.’ I said, tearing a spinach leaf apart and getting the wet mulch stuck under my fingernails. ‘She said she didn’t like it.’

‘You’re lying.’

I shrugged and wiped my hands on my white cardigan, smearing the green all over me.

‘I know that you did stuff with Caleb.’ Dovid whispered across the table.

‘So?’ I said, scratching behind my ears. ‘Esti knows about that.’

‘She does?’

‘Yep.’

Dovid looked lost, like he had no idea where he was going or what he was saying. I saw his Adam’s apple quiver in his throat. I was just about to reinforce that he should quit, when Esti came back into the room. Dovid and I both looked up at her, and she looked at us, but her eyes and her smile rested on me. Though Dovid was blind to it, he stood up and pulled a chair out for Esti, so that she could sit back down. That’s when I realised that maybe Dovid would have to learn another way, that Esti would never admire him. Otherwise the pain for all three of us would drag on forever.


	31. The Diary

The evening was drawing to a close, our stomachs were bloated, and the table was clear of our plates and glasses. Dovid was drunk, Ronit seemed irritable but the Rav and Mrs Ceder were incredibly jovial, they were laughing together, singing and dancing together in the kitchen. At one point, Dovid had staggered to the bathroom, leaving me and Ronit alone.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked, almost the second he’d left through the door.

She nodded and looked at me. ‘Do you want to stay the night?’ She asked, her lips looked slightly pale.

‘I’d- well, I’d love to, obviously.’ I said with a slight chuckle.

‘Okay.’ She said, with a quick smile and some more colour in her face. ‘I’ll ask.’

She squeezed my hand and stroked my fingers with her thumb while everyone was out of the room. I wanted to hold her face then, to take it in my hands and kiss her all over; her lips, her cheeks, her nose and chin. She’d never know how happy she made me, or how much she meant to me, because I’d never be able to say it in words.

‘Your father seems happy.’ Dovid said quietly, as he edged back into the room; Mrs Ceder had just cackled loudly in the kitchen.

Ronit only nodded at him; a dismissive, curt nod. I think she was waiting for Dovid to leave; I was too. He had a consistent habit of turning up at times when he was least wanted. He’d also developed a tendency to speak like a grown up, to ask questions and make comments that adults would make; it didn’t suit him. The Rav wandered back into the dining room, behind Mrs Ceder who was carrying a tray of steaming cups.

‘Mint tea to finish off.’ She said, a brightness in her voice that felt needed at that time.

She handed the cups to each of us and we kept them on the table. The liquid was a vibrant green, blackened mint leaves had sunk to the bottom of the cups as the fragrant steam wafted upwards.

‘Thank you Mrs Ceder.’ Dovid said, blowing sloppily onto his tea.

‘Please call me Hana, Dovid.’

‘Thank you Hana.’ Dovid said, somewhat smugly.

We sipped at our tea as it cooled. It was refreshing and tangy, strong but not overpowering. It made me feel calm and less full.

It was a little while later that the Rav started making the noises he did when he was tired. He’d clear his throat and sniff and he would grumble slightly; I’d learnt them.

‘I suppose I will head home.’ Dovid said, trying to sound more mature again. He stood up and stretched his arms above his head so far that his hairy stomach showed.

‘Esti would like to stay.’ Ronit said, cutting over the end of Dovid’s words. ‘Can she stay the night?’ She was looking at the Rav but was also glancing towards Mrs Ceder.

‘I’m sure Mr and Mrs Halper would want to see their daughter at some point.’ The Rav said, his eyes half closed. He rubbed them with his dry, flaky knuckles.

‘They’re out tonight Rav.’ I followed up quickly. ‘They’ll be back tomorrow morning.’

‘Ah, yes. You said.’ He replied with a huff. ‘I suppose… since you’re already here-’

‘I could walk you home, Esti.’ Dovid suggested. Ronit snorted.

‘No, thank you.’ I said, looking down at my lap. I felt a pump of excitement in my lower abdomen, a hot throb in my thighs. I’d be able to touch Ronit again.

Ronit sat up a little straighter, her jaw jutted out and she was smiling at no one in particular, she looked slightly happier.

‘Well, you young people can do as you wish.’ Mrs Ceder said, clearing our cups away. ‘I will probably head home too.’

‘Hana, no, let me.’ The Rav stood up and attempted to help Mrs Ceder with the cups and saucers but she shooed him away. ‘Well, let me drive you home then.’

‘You are too drunk!’ Mrs Ceder giggled as their voices ebbed away into the kitchen again.

‘Are you sure, Esti?’ Dovid said, looking forlorn. I gazed up at him. I saw the fluffy hair under his chin, his dark features creased into a mope. It amazed me how much he looked like Ronit, though when I looked at him, I felt nothing.

‘I’d like to stay here.’ I said, my voice shook slightly but I tried to sound definite about it. I heard Ronit take a deep breath through her nostrils and she fidgeted in her chair.

‘Bye Dovid.’ Ronit said firmly, her hands spread over the table cloth. Dovid huffed but left without another word; the stab of guilt I felt was blunted by my excitement and elation that I’d get to hold Ronit again, to smell her hair, her neck and press my lips against her body.

As soon as Dovid had gone, Ronit turned to me and kissed me, without a care that her father or Mrs Ceder might walk back in. It was only a quick peck, her mouth felt sure, and determined. I heard the front door close, and the Rav’s and Mrs Ceder’s voices disappeared. My eyes remained closed for several seconds, when they opened, I saw her face. It was one of the rare times she looked vulnerable; the depth of emotion in her eyes was visible and her lips were parted. Her chest was rising and falling with gusto.

‘Let’s go upstairs.’ She said, I noticed her eyes drop, she was looking at my mouth.

She led me by the hand and we went to her bedroom wordlessly. Her mouth returned to mine and we kissed, and our clothes fell away until we were under her sheets, our bodies hugged together, our sticky skin fused together. I rolled my tongue in her mouth until the mint taste faded away, until I could taste her again. I remembered when she’d let her spit fall into my mouth earlier that day and I groaned and rolled on top of her. We spent a long time like that, as silently as we could, in each other’s arms and kissing and holding ourselves close. Her hand moved down, and she stroked where I was wet, and I kept my whimpering as quiet as I could, though with that and her lips against mine, it was difficult. She slipped inside me and curled hard, and I lost the ability to keep still and mute. I moaned and panted into her ear, which made her move faster. She gave me rush after rush of pleasure, and I returned it to her with my tongue; I made her gasp, buck and sigh for a long time, as my fingers and chin got wetter with her.

It must have been late when we finished, when we were laying on our backs panting on top of her bed. I turned onto my side to look at her; to study her face, her expressions, the shape of her features. It was one of my favourite things to do.

‘I don’t want us to stay here, Esti.’ She said.

'We could- we could go to my house if you wanted-'

'No, not _here_.' She gestured to her bedroom. 'I mean here... Hendon.' She said. It took me by surprise, but at the same time it didn’t at all.

‘Why?’ I asked softly, it sounded as though I’d spoken with vapid curiosity but really I was just tired.

‘Well, do you want to stay here?’ She’d turned to face me now, leaning on one elbow while her hand scratched her ribs.  Her breasts were bare and I stared at them as I spoke.

‘I don’t know… I just want you.’

‘You must know. You must know where you want to go and where you want to be. You’re your own person, Esti. You can do whatever you want to do.’ She was imploring me, she still seemed agitated.

‘Why are you talking about this now?’

‘Because I- Dovid said something earlier. It annoyed me, and I wanted to punch hi-’

‘What did he say?’ I interrupted her, which I didn’t normally do, but I couldn’t imagine Dovid saying something negative about me.

‘He said… he called you ‘obedient’.’ She spoke as though the words were bitter and course on her tongue, her forehead and nose wrinkled.

I nodded slowly. ‘That’s not that bad.’ I said.

‘What?’ Ronit sat up. ‘It’s awful.’

‘It’s not- it’s not an incredibly nice thing to say but-’ I sat up as well, I wanted to be close to her.

‘He called you obedient, Esti. Like you’re some- some sort of dog or animal that needs training.’ Ronit was speaking so fast and furiously that I could barely keep track of what she was saying. ‘You’re not- you shouldn’t- ‘obedient’ isn’t a nice thing to call someone.’ She’d pulled a t-shirt over her head, a long one that fell past her thighs.

‘I- I know.’ I stood up and went to where she was. ‘Ronit, calm down, it’s okay.’

She was flustered, a pink had tickled her cheeks. ‘It’s not okay.’ She took my face in her hands. ‘You have more inside you than this place will ever allow. You’re- you’re too smart and too beautiful for this place.’

I felt a sudden burn of tears behind my eyes and I had no idea why. Ronit continued.

‘We’ll never be happy here, Esti.’ She said.

‘I’ll be happy as long as I’m with you.’ I said, without skipping a beat. ‘Don’t you feel the same?’

Ronit chewed on her bottom lip and nodded; I could see a profound sadness in her eyes. They looked heavy and purple, as though the weight of the world were swirling behind her pupils.

‘Come, come here.’ I said, taking her warm, clammy hand and leading her back to the bed. ‘We’ll be fine.’ I had no idea what I was saying. I didn’t like talking about the future, Ronit’s desire to leave; it all made me too sad. ‘We’ll be fine, Ronit.’

She sat on the bed and I straddled her, sitting on her lap with my knees either side of her thighs. I leaned in and held her face as her hands curved behind me.

‘Do you promise?’ She asked, with a vulnerability I don’t think I’d ever heard before. 'Do you promise we'll be fine?'

‘I promise.’ I said, believing I was telling the truth.

 

We woke up the next morning together. I heard her yawn and I felt her stretch against my back. She kissed the nape of my neck and wrapped an arm around me as my eyes slowly opened, letting in the early morning sun.

‘I don’t remember falling asleep.’ I said, with a yawn.

‘Me neither.’ Ronit replied, kissing my neck again; quick, soft pecks in succession. Her hand held me firmly and I forgot all about the sadness the night before. I found it interesting how sleep did that sometimes; it offered you a reset on your feelings.

‘Have I ever told you…' I started to speak. 'That I judge how good my day is by how often you kiss me?’ I asked her, feeling her soft lips brush the fine hairs behind my ear.

Ronit’s muffled laughter filled my ears. ‘No, you’ve never told me that.’ Her fingers grazed over my side and up under my night shirt. ‘Do you have a little sheet? That you calculate them on?’ She said, in a sweet teasing voice.

I rolled onto my back and prodded her, but her smiling lips came to mine and we embraced. ‘No.’ I said, once we’d kissed for a few seconds. ‘I do keep a note in my diary though.’

‘Do you?’

I nodded and stretched again, pressing my body against her intentionally.

‘What do you write about me in there?’ She asked breathlessly as her hand ran over my chest.

I paused for a moment. ‘A lot.’

Ronit kissed me again, her hand softly squeezed my breast as our mouths and tongues sped up. My fingers started to flex again, as though they were preparing themselves to touch her, to pleasure her, when all of a sudden, a loud knock at the front door startled us both.

The thumping continued; a continuous, loud rapping of the glass. Did I hear a man calling out as well? It sounded familiar, and then it dawned on me. It was my father.

‘Oh no.’ I said, jumping out of bed from underneath Ronit, still feeling the remnants of her touch on me and trying to straighten out my thoughts.

‘What?’ Ronit asked, getting out of bed too. Her hair wild and untamed and even in this situation I longed to run my fingers through it.

‘I didn’t tell them I was staying the night.’ I said.

‘You didn’t leave a note?’ She asked me through a crooked smile.

‘No, no! I didn’t do-’

‘Don’t worry. What could happen in Hendon? Just go and get the door before he wakes the beast up.’

‘Yes, yes, I will.’ I said, smoothing my night clothes down.

I ran down the stairs, taking two at a time and stumbling on the last one as I dashed for the door. I wrenched it open and my father, visibly distressed, stood before me.

‘Esti! Oy vey.’ His face crumbled into a relieved smile as he stepped inside the house and pulled me into a hug that made my bones crack. ‘We didn’t know where you were! Well- I knew- I assumed you’d be here but your mother- she- oh-’

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’ I mumbled into the itchy texture of his sweater.

‘Last thing we left you in bed, and we got back this morning and the house was dark and cold, like you hadn’t been there for hours.’

‘I stayed here.’ I said, feeling embarrassed. ‘I should have told you, I’m sorry.’

‘No, no, no. You’re here, you’re a smart girl. I knew you’d be okay. Your mother she just- you should come home soon. Probably now. Your mother is in a state.’

‘O-okay.’ I muttered, feeling embarrassed and disappointed. I heard a quiet, light step behind me and I turned. Ronit was on the last step, her hair still wild and begging to be touched; a long, baggy jumper hung off her narrow shoulders, her long legs sticking out of her blue shorts.

‘Hello Josef.’ She said with a confidence that made my heart pump harder.

‘Ronit, hello.’ My father’s voice had entirely softened. His hands were still on my shoulders. ‘I was just going to take my daughter home.’

Ronit nodded and smiled at me; a sad, understanding smile. ‘Will she be allowed to come back?’ She asked.

‘Of course she will. If she wants to.’ My father looked down at me and I nodded enthusiastically.

 

He waited downstairs and Ronit moped on the bed as I collected my things and dressed myself.

‘I don’t like sharing you.’ She said with a dejected playfulness.

‘I don’t like it either, but he said my mother was- I should just go and see her.’

‘I know, I know.’ She said, though her face was so downcast I felt awful. I put my bag on the floor and climbed on the bed, I held her face and looked at the hazel in her eyes.

‘I’d never leave you if I had a choice.’ I said, feeling a strain in my voice. I let my fingers glide through her hair and I silently moaned as I felt the thickness of it. ‘I love you.’ I said, staring at her mouth.

‘I love you too.’ She replied, I could feel her stroking my waist over my dress.

‘I’ll come back soon.’

She nodded, and I left her alone in her bedroom.

 

After my mother gave me a loud, shrill lecture on my responsibility to inform her and my father of my whereabouts at all times and the importance of communication, she was calm. She asked me to make tea and cut us both a slice of apple cake, so I did. After I wolfed mine down, I asked if I could leave to go to Ronit’s again, and she refused.

‘There are many errands we need to run. Your father is doing some repairs as well so we need to be out of the house.’ She said, putting a piece of dense, sticky cake into her mouth. She smacked the food around, it sounded wet and unappealing. ‘How is that bookshelf in your bedroom? Is it still rickety?’

‘Yes.’ I muttered, finding I was fidgeting and playing with the tablecloth just like Ronit did.

‘Very well, I’ll let him know to mend that too.’

She didn’t even give me time to call Ronit and tell her I wouldn’t be coming back. She hurried me out of the door in a hurry and I carried a wedge of sadness inside me the entire time we were out. We walked all over town, we walked until my feet throbbed through the thin soles of my shoes. When we weren’t walking, we were shopping for groceries, though I mostly dawdled while my mother gossiped with her friends. Occasionally she would have to stop and rest against a wall or bench because of her stiff joints, that made the morning drag into the afternoon.

Finally, we were heading home, my mother kept telling me to slow down but I was in such a rush to get back to Ronit that I had nothing else in my mind apart from that. I reached the front door long before my hobbling mother did; my father’s car was gone, and I had no keys, so I had to wait for her anyway.

‘Where _is_ your father?’ My mother scowled. ‘Goodness, Esti take some of these bags so I can get the door open.’

She piled her bags into my struggling arms while she opened the door, as soon as she’d stepped inside, I darted to the kitchen and put away everything we’d bought. I put the fruit and vegetables into the fridge, the cereals and grains into the pantry and the tins into the cupboards.

‘Please, please,’ I begged with a wheezy voice. ‘Can I go to Ronit’s now?’

‘Go up and change into clean clothes first.’ My mother replied without looking at me. ‘I don’t want the Rav thinking we’re impoverished.’

‘Thank you!’ I said, probably too loudly. I dashed to my bedroom, already pulling off my cardigan and knowing what I’d change into; a white, short-sleeved cotton t-shirt I had; Ronit had told me she liked it once. She said it was soft and nice to touch.

I got into my bedroom and immediately noticed I had an entirely new bookshelf. Instead of my old one which was painted a muddy brown, this one was bright white and clean looking. My books had been neatly stacked back on it, all out of order but I could rearrange them another time.

Then… my heart froze in my chest.

My diary.

A nondescript brown notebook, usually on the second shelf in between a book on fairy tales and a collection of poems.

It was gone.

With a stumble, I took a step towards the bookshelf. It wasn’t there. I went through all of the books, throwing them onto the floor, dropping to my knees and scouring through them.

Nothing.

My heart was thudding in my chest, my head started to spin so much I thought I might be sick. My father had found it, he’d read it. He'd read my diary. He’d seen me write about Ronit. He'd read about me kissing her, he’d read about us discovering the pleasure in between our legs. All of the secret things we did to each other, all of the things we tried so hard to keep to ourselves, he’d read it all.

Just as I felt a retch choking me, I heard a tap on the door behind me.

‘Esti?’ It was my father. His voice was quiet and indiscernible. ‘I think we need to have a talk.’


	32. The Diary Pt.2

He took a step into the room and I couldn’t breathe or swallow. He was carrying something but I couldn’t look at him properly; I didn’t want to meet his eyes. Everything he’d read, all of the words I’d written about myself, about Ronit, her body and my body. I felt sick. I desperately tried to remember exactly what I’d written in there, all of the incriminating things I’d written that my father now knew. 

> _She always makes me wet. Even when she’s not there, even just thinking about her, she makes me wet. I’ve had to start doing my own laundry because I’m scared my mother will find my underwear and find out something is going on._  
> 
> _I can’t get the taste of R out of my head. She tastes so good, I want her all the time, I want her right now but we’re going to my stupid Aunt’s house. I don’t want to wash my hands with too much soap in case I lose the scent of her on my fingers._  
> 
> _I think I’m obsessed with R. I wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her._  
> 
> _Last night, we didn't stop. I mean it, we didn't stop. I didn't sleep and neither did she. She couldn't keep her hands off me, and I couldn't stop licking her. We went the whole night and the next day at the synagogue, we both slept in the back pews so no one could see us._

He perched on the end of my bed and rested whatever was in his hands in his lap, while I tried to keep the noxious bubbling in my stomach down.

‘You are growing up, Esti. You are a woman now.’ He sounded unperturbed, as though there was no fraught air between us. ‘And young women need their privacy.’ 

A hot flush rushed down my spine. ‘Okay.’ I said, shakily. ‘Dad, I can- if you saw my-’ 

‘I didn’t read it.’ He started chuckling and lifted a wooden box up. ‘I made you-’ 

‘You- you didn’t read it?’ 

‘No.’ He sounded outraged, his bristly facial hair concealing a downturned mouth. ‘Of course I didn’t.’ 

‘Oh...’ My heart was still thudding in my chest. The hot sweat trickling down the back of my neck turned cold and I started to laugh in an exasperated manner. 

‘I made you this, Esti.’ He held the box up, it smelled like fresh timber. 

‘What- what is it?’ 

‘It is a box, for your diary. That you can keep locked.’ He showed it to me. ‘There’s a mechanism inside that unlocks with this key.’ 

‘Oh, oh. That’s- that’s- thank you dad.’ I wiped my nose, which was running. My eyes felt damp, so I wiped them with my sleeve too. ‘Is my-my diary in there?’ 

‘It is.’ He handed the box to me, it still had fresh shavings covering it. ‘And here is the key.’ 

He placed a small bronze key in my other hand, it was warm and clammy from being in his palm. I stood there, not knowing how to respond. I was confused, a small fraction of my heart wanted my father to find out about me and Ronit. A part of me begging to tell him now, convincing me that I could confide in him, that he would understand. It was madness, surely? 

‘Thank you- thank you so much.’ 

‘You keep everything safe in here, yes? So that your mother and me cannot snoop on you.’ He touched my nose gently then, I gripped the box to my chest. 

‘Well, I will leave you to this. Were you staying in this evening? What did your mother buy at the market? It smells... peculiar.’ 

‘She’s making livers.’ I said, trying to hide how grateful I was that I would miss it. ‘I was going to- to go to Ronit’s.’ 

‘Ah, yes. You should go there and keep her company. The Rav is out tonight.’ 

‘Is he?’ 

‘Mm. I saw him walking while I was out. He was heading to Shul for the evening.’ He said as he stood up, he stretched up and scratched his chin. ‘Would you like a lift to Ronit’s?’ 

‘Please.’ I said, tucking my new box onto my bookshelf. Why did I feel disappointed? It was such a confusing, onerous feeling. 

My father left as I got dressed to go to Ronit’s. I packed an overnight bag, assuming if I asked my father on the way if I could stay the night he would say yes. He was waiting for me by the front door when I got to the stairs, my mother was clattering and mumbling to herself in the kitchen. 

‘-like we don’t even  _have_ a daughter anymore.’ I heard her say. 

‘Quiet Polli.’ My father shouted. I’d never heard him shout at her before, I felt an unpleasant hotness in the pit of my stomach. My mother did go quiet, and silently my father and I filed to the car.  

He turned the radio on and a slow song came on, a long murmuring warble about love, or losing someone. I still felt ashamed, I still felt embarrassed, yet there was still a compelling urge within me to tell my father about Ronit. To confess my feelings would feel so freeing, or would it throw me into a world where I could no longer be with her at all? For the rest of the journey, I wondered which one would be worse. 

‘No lights on.’ My father’s gruff voice tugged me out of my mind. ‘Are you sure she’s in?’ 

‘Yes, she should be. She should be in.’ I said, suddenly worried. I went to open the door but paused. ‘Dad?’ 

‘Mm?’ He said, looking at me curiously. He pulled a half-smoked cigarette from the ashtray and lit it. 

‘How did you know you wanted to marry mum?’ 

He sniffed and took a long draw on the cigarette. It gave off a dull, ashy smell that filled the car with a choking smog. ‘Her father and my father were good friends, they studied together. Your mother and I grew up together, it seemed right that we should marry.’ 

‘But you must’ve wanted to marry her.’ I said, struggling to make the words come out. 

He shrugged. ‘Your mother was beautiful in her day, she looked like you sweetheart. I would’ve been a fool not to marry her.’ 

‘When did you know though?’ I asked, my body fully turned towards him now. His eyebrows furrowed and he tilted his head. ‘That you wanted to marry her.’ 

‘She was... she was patient with me. She was funny and fiercely bright. No other woman matched her. I suppose I knew when she went away for a month, when we were young. I missed her.’ He took another drag of his cigarette and blew it out the window. ‘When she got back, I told her then, that I never wanted her to leave me for that long ever again.’ 

I nodded slowly. I imagined Ronit going away for a month and my heart plunged. ‘That makes sense.’ I mumbled. 

‘Why do you ask?’ 

‘No reason. Thank you for the lift.’ I pulled on the door handle and stepped out of the car. ‘Can I stay the night?’ 

‘I assumed you were going to.’ My father spoke softly, with a smile hidden behind his grey beard and moustache.  

‘Dad?’ 

‘Yes?’ 

‘If you didn’t read it, how did you know it was my diary?’ 

‘I may have seen some of your writing, but nothing more than that.’ He stubbed the dying cigarette out and sniffed loudly. ‘You can always talk to me about anything. You know that, Esti.’ 

‘Thanks dad.’ I said slowly, knowing I was saying thank you for more than the lift. 

 

Ronit was in, she flung the door open, dressed only in a t-shirt, her hair was still a mess. The house was dark and the lights were off in every room, which she’d informed me was intentional. 

‘I didn’t want Dovid to come in earlier.’ She said, leaping up the stairs two at a time. ‘I saw him skulking outside and I couldn’t be bothered to talk to him.’ 

I was going to ask what soured between her and Dovid, what changed between them to make their relationship so abrasive, but I knew the answer was me, so I didn’t ask any more about it. When we got to her bedroom, she kissed me fervently, so much so that I had to speak between kisses. 

‘I’m sorry- that I- didn't come back- right away.’ 

‘It’s fine.’ Ronit said, her lips pressed against my jaw and neck, her strong hands running down my back. 

‘What did you- do all day?’ I asked, bringing her face back to mine so I could feel the softness of her skin on my lips. 

‘Nothing.’ Her voice was husky and warm, it gave me such comfort that the worry over my diary started to ebb. ‘Well, I did end up doing something, because I missed you.’ 

I instantly understood what she meant, I found myself laughing a lot. 

‘What did you do?’ I asked, even though I was sure I knew. 

‘I was thinking about you,’ she paused with a hand on my chest. ‘And I just... pretended you were here. That's why my bed's a mess.'

I was still giggling, and now I was tugging at her t-shirt because I wanted what was underneath it. 

‘I couldn’t wait.’ Ronit said. I could hear her grinning, and I felt her lips moving over my body, so I stopped talking and let myself fall back onto the bed with her on top of me. 

She was lively, energetic and excitable. Every movement was brisk and her body was clearly hungry for mine. She’d taken off my clothes and I’d pulled her shirt off, but before she started lowering herself, she stopped and kissed the bones along my breast and shoulder. Her fingers tickled the soft hairs on my thigh. 

‘What did you do today?’ She panted. ‘Sorry, I didn’t ask.’ 

‘Nothing special.’ I said, gasping under the touch of her hand. 

‘Nothing?’ She asked inquisitively, as though she really were interested in the mundane things that I'd filled my day with. 

I shook my head, because I didn’t want to think about shopping with my mother, filling the pantry with tins or talking to my father about my diary, I only wanted her in that moment. ‘Just- touch me please.’ 

Her breath hardened and her fingers pressed in between my legs; her lips touched mine and I kissed her deeply.  

She told me she missed me, and then I felt her fingers inside me. I forgot about everything and let the pleasure roll over me, soon enough my nails were digging into her back and my legs were wrapped around her; I was calling her name out while she thrusted over me. She gave me everything that night, everything I needed she provided without even knowing what she was giving me. Oddly, I started to think about what I would write in my diary about this night.

> _She's unlike anything else in my life. She's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My best friend. My love. I don't know what I'd do without her._


	33. The Apology

Dovid had been skulking around the house since the awful dinner we’d had. I yelled at him the first day he showed up. I told him exactly what I thought about his ignorant choice of words.

‘If I ever hear you call her obedient again-’ I started, feeling my fist clench.

‘You know what I meant.’ Dovid said pleadingly, offering his hands up in sorrow.

‘That’s just it! You know! You know why it was bad! That’s what I don’t understand! Why did you say it?’ Every word I spoke was cut with a ferociousness that I felt burning in the pit of my stomach.

‘I didn’t mean obedient like a dog- Ronit, you’re being ridiculous.’

‘Don’t- don’t call me that.’ My tongue was sharp.

‘Do you not see how strange you are being?’ Dovid whispered back, his voice still laced with sticky helplessness, as though he wanted desperately to escape the interaction he was engaged in. ‘You are being so overprotective, and I understand - she is your friend, but to this degree… you must admit, it is odd behaviour. I’ve even heard other people say the same, in town.’ He was whispering now. ‘I’ve heard them, I heard the Pascals in the bakery the other day… the Rav’s daughter is a strange girl, the Rav’s daughter doesn’t act like an ordinary girl. Don’t you care what others might think?’

I took a moment. I knew I was doing the right thing. Esti wasn’t interested in Dovid, or any boy, and she never would be. I knew that, but I don’t think she did yet. Dovid definitely didn’t realise. I was helping her, I was protecting her, I knew I was.

‘Dovid,’ I said, feeling a grating edge in my voice. ‘If I ever hear you speak about her like that again, I’ll punch you so hard, your _kippah_ will hurt.’

I slammed the door.

It didn’t stop him coming back, though he used different guises each time. Infuriatingly, he remained calm and collected each time when I met him with impatience and irritation.

 _‘He should school himself not to become angry even when it is fitting to be angry.’_ He said, on the third or fourth day he visited, several books clamped in his nervous arms.

‘Don’t quote the Torah at me.’ I said, leaning against the doorframe, blocking the entrance with my entire body. It was cool today, I was only wearing a vest and shorts, which had been hurriedly put on when the doorbell had rung out.

Esti was upstairs in my bed; I saw her in my mind, naked, stretched out under the covers, waiting for me to return.

‘Is Esti here?’ Dovid asked, attempting a casual tone and failing.

‘Yep. Esti is here and the Rav isn’t, so you may as well leave.’

‘Where is Esti?’

‘She’s in my bed.’ I said.

I think I noticed Dovid’s jaw flex. ‘Tell the Rav I came by, please.’

‘If I remember, I absolutely will.’ I said, getting ready to close the door. He spun on his heel and stormed along the gravel path to the pavement. ‘Oh Dovid?’ I called out and he stopped, but didn’t turn back.

‘Yes?’

‘Are you going on that weird trip the Rav is planning? The… Eastern Europe one?’

I heard Dovid clear his throat. ‘I have been invited, yes.’

The sun seemed brighter then, the birds chirping got louder and the cool breeze that had been making me shiver turned into a pleasant warmth which hugged me. ‘Great.’ I said, and with that I closed the door on my cousin. I didn’t see him again for a week.

 

‘What did Dovid want this time?’ Esti asked with a quiet voice, when I returned to the bedroom.

‘Supposedly to ask the Rav where he kept the wood polish to clean the _bimah_.’ I snorted and slumped back into bed. I crawled up on top of Esti, who was giggling under the covers. She brought her arms around me.

‘Anyway, he interrupted us.’ I said, leaning in and kissing her lips. ‘What were we doing?’ I kissed her again and brought a hand up to cup her chin. She gasped into my mouth and moaned slightly. I could smell apple juice on her breath.

‘I was-’ She kissed me. ‘Actually telling you about my diary box but-’ she kissed me again. ‘That doesn’t matter now.’

She shifted, and I got under the covers with her. I pressed my body against her as our lips met, but she made a small noise of protest.

‘Wh-what?’ I asked.

‘Take these off.’ She said, tugging at my vest and shorts.

Within seconds, all of my clothes were on the floor with hers. There was nothing in life I loved more than this. The times when we would be nude, our bodies clamped together, our mouths and fingers all over each other. The passion ran deep, the pleasure was pure and undented. It was so simple to me, it was uncomplicated and easy with her. She had me on my back, her mouth gently licking and biting her way down. I automatically gripped her hair and her tongue moved in a way that my core ache, my jaw drop and my hips buck.

She did this act in such a natural way, each time she made me feel new levels of pleasure. I was never prepared for it, she performed it as though she were getting the same level of bliss I was, which seemed impossible. She was hungry but delicate, her mouth was passionate but soft, and her tongue was ferevent, hot and gifted. She rolled it quickly, puckered her lips and sucked me until my head was pressed back hard into my pillow, my legs were trembling and I was panting her name repeatedly.

My fingers were knotted in her hair, and she was groaning loudly which injected that instantaneous gratification inside me. My back arched and I cried out; she made similar noises to me but didn’t move her lapping mouth away, until finally my body went still. I felt her kissing her way up, she lingered over my breasts, finally her wet mouth met mine. The taste was sweet, tangy, sensual.

‘So,’ I said, taking a hard, shaky gulp and trying to focus my eyes. ‘Your dad built you a box?’ I asked Esti, while my fingers stroked along her pale arms. She started laughing, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

She nodded. ‘We don’t have to talk about that.’

‘I want to know what you write about.’ I said, my voice was croaky, anticipative pleasure was pulsing through my body. I felt like I was ready to go again.

‘I can’t tell you that.’ She said, kissing my shoulders, neck and jaw and making my eyelids flutter.

‘Why not? We tell each other everything.’

‘A diary is private.’ She said, resting her ear over the centre of my chest. I knew my heart was beating hard, and I knew she liked listening to it, so I went quiet. After a while, she spoke again. ‘Everything I write in there, you already know.’

I nodded and started stroking her hair.

‘I write about how much I love you. I write about how much you mean to me. I write about what you wear, what you smell like-’

‘Do you write about yourself?’

I heard her stutter. ‘Erm- I- I suppose, it’s all about me, in a way.’

‘What else do you write about?’ She was quiet. ‘Esti? Is it… all me?’

‘Mostly.’ She replied quietly.

I felt my ego bloat, I felt high; like the first time I’d smoked a cigarette or drank alcohol. In a way, I had known her diary would read like that. I wondered if anyone else at school had diaries, like Shayna, Deborah, Ada, Miriam; I wondered if they would be similar. I wondered how many times my name would appear. I couldn’t imagine Caleb keeping a diary, though I still thought about what his would say if he did. I shook the thought of him off and brought myself back. I thought about Esti, and how I wanted more for her. I felt unfairly frustrated at her that her dreams weren’t as big as mine.

‘If I had a diary,’ I said, letting my fingernails stroke along her back. ‘I’d write down all the places I want to visit in the world, and tick them off after I’d been there. Why don’t you do something like that?’

‘I don’t really think that’s what a diary is for.’

‘That’s what I’d use my diary for.’ I retorted.

‘Then you should get one.’ Esti said, kissing my chest.

‘Maybe I will.’ I replied, knowing I never would.

 

We walked to school the next day together. It was coming to the final days of summer, the mornings and evenings were darker and the ground was littered with dead, crunchy leaves. I’d taken to smoking on each walk we took, Esti shared it with me every time.

On this particular morning, when we passed the laundrette on the corner, Shayna stormed past us without a word, she even hit my shoulder as she marched by me.

‘What’s wrong with plain Shayna?’ I said, throwing the dying cigarette to the ground.

Esti laughed. ‘You still haven’t picked up on that? She’s been avoiding you for almost a week.’

‘Has she?’ I frowned ahead of us, Shayna’s figure was turning into a little hurrying speck.

‘She’s upset. You didn’t get her a birthday present, Ronit.’

‘What? She’s upset because I- what? That’s so stu- but _you_ didn’t get her anything.’

‘I did.’ Esti said defensively. ‘I gave her a box of Turkish delight and a fountain pen.’

‘You mean the fountain pen your grandfather got you for Hanukkah?’

‘Well... I already had one.’

I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Fucking hell. I can’t believe she’s annoyed about that. I have so many terrible presents I could regift.’

‘Shh.’ Esti said, taking my hand and squeezing it. ‘Don’t tell her it’s a regift.’

Though I tried to shake it off, for some reason it niggled me the entire day. I didn’t like that Shayna might not like me anymore; it unsettled me, the same way I didn’t want Caleb to lose interest in me. I wanted to retain their attention, but I didn’t realise it would mean having to keep them happy. Esti was right, Shayna avoided me the entire day. It was obvious now that I was aware of it. I hadn’t gone out of my way to find her, and I had no plan, no present and nothing really to offer. Though on my way to our final class of the day, I saw her in the corridor. She was standing with Deborah. When she saw me, she turned her back and started walking in the opposite direction. I sped up, I breezed past Deborah and when I reached Shayna, I touched her shoulder, which made her stop dead.

‘What do you want?’ She said, her voice venomous.

‘I’m sorry Shayna.’ I said, making my voice convincing and deep.

‘For what?’ She said, roughly.

‘For not getting you a birthday present.’ I replied, not letting my hand drop. The material of her cardigan was itchy. ‘That was selfish of me, you deserved a present.’

She turned slowly, not attempting to shake off my hand at all. ‘You didn’t even really wish me a happy birthday.’

I tried to think back, I couldn’t remember. ‘It was mean, but I’ll make it up to you.’ I was smiling at her.

‘How?’ She looked at me nervously, and then she glanced away.

I shrugged. ‘However you want.’

She looked around us with a shiftiness, as though she was looking for someone. ‘I’d like to come to your house.’ Shayna said through thin lips.

‘Fine.’ I said. ‘You can do that.’

‘To stay the night.’ She finalised her words with a small smile.

I paused. ‘Okay.’

‘Really?’

I nodded, feeling my ego swell again. All it took for Shayna to like me again was some of my time; it made me feel bloated with confidence.

‘Let’s arrange that then.’ I said, hoping I could walk away with an immediate plan.

‘This weekend?’ Shayna suggested.

‘Sure.’ I said, knowing I’d have to explain this all to Esti. Shayna looked exulted, she couldn’t even speak as I walked away.

 

‘A sleepover?’

‘Yes, but it won’t be-’

‘Just you two?’

‘Well, you can come.’

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Esti wouldn’t understand, and I didn’t know that I could explain to her exactly why I’d done it.

‘If you want it to be just you two-’

‘You _know_ I want you there, Esti.’

We were walking to her house, our hands were clapped together and her warm, slim fingers were entwined with mine. Her mother had requested she go home after school, she was planning a party for one of Esti’s cousins and Esti needed to be there for that apparently.

‘Maybe Shayna doesn’t want me there.’

‘Who cares what Shayna wants?’

‘Obviously you do.’ Esti’s hand didn’t leave mine, but she wasn’t looking at me either. ‘I don’t understand why you do things sometimes.’

‘Are you jealous?’ I said, feeling a grin creeping on my face.

‘No, don’t be stupid.’

‘You are a little jealous aren’t you?’

‘No, I’m not.’ Esti said, entirely unconvincingly and with her hand still wrapped around mine.

‘When my father goes away, you can spend the whole time at my house. Just me and you.’

That seemed to make her happier. When we reached her house, I asked how long she’d be and she gave me a noncommittal answer, saying she didn’t want to upset her mother by leaving too early. We were standing behind the bushel of roses that we always concealed ourselves in; hidden from the front of her house and her mother’s curtain twitching.

‘Will you call me when you’re finished party planning?’

She nodded, her lips were thin and her eyes were still far away.  

‘I love you.’ I said, touching her cheek which made her sink slightly.

‘I love you too.’

She went into her house and I waited for a moment before skulking back to my own house. On my back through the streets that I could walk with my eyes closed, I started thinking. I didn’t like thinking much, I preferred doing. I took a detour through the park, prolonging my trip home. My thoughts were interrupted when I reached the cusp of the path, by a familiar voice amongst a crowd of others.

‘Ronit!’ Caleb shouted from the bandstand. He was sitting on a brick wall, surrounded by a group of people I didn’t recognise.

‘Hi.’ I said.

‘You want to join us?’ He asked. The people he was with looked like they didn’t belong in Hendon, their clothes were different, their hair was unlike ours.

I walked along the damp grass, wet with dew and stood at the bottom of the steps, they were all drinking and smoking.

‘Do you want some?’ Caleb offered me a bottle of clear liquid with a red label.

I took the bottle while he introduced me to a group of people I wouldn’t try to remember the names of. They were all secular names; Caleb must have known them well, he was standing confidently amongst them, commanding their attention. I took note of his stature, his words and the way he held his arms as he spoke to the group. His eyes caught mine too many times to be coincidence. Soon enough, my head was spinning from the drink and the smoke and for some reason, my body was ready for Esti.

‘Do you want to walk me home?’ I asked Caleb, standing up and ensuring the group were looking at me now.

There was a murmur of suggestive sounds amongst the people we were with, which I enjoyed. Caleb smirked at me and I felt the alcohol heating the tops of my thighs.

‘Sure.’ He said, stretching up. He turned back to the group and said something which earned him a laugh. I stumbled down the steps and he put his arm around me.

The streets were dizzying, the street lights were turning on and lighting up our steps as we walked together.

‘Who were they?’ I asked.

‘Friends from the outside.’ He said in a theatrical voice. ‘Did you like them?’

I shrugged. ‘Why don’t you spend time with Dovid anymore?’

Caleb scoffed. ‘He studies too much. I asked him if he wanted to come to the park, he said no. He always says no.’

‘He takes it seriously.’ I said, somewhat defensively.

‘I don’t.’ He sniffed and put his hand on my waist as we walked. ‘Where’s your girlfriend?’

‘What?’

‘Your girlfriend? Esti?’

‘Oh.’ I giggled and rubbed one of my eyes, my stomach was churning. ‘She’s at home.’

‘You must really like her.’

I didn’t say anything, but allowed my head to sag against him as we strolled slowly back to my house.

‘You’re quite unpredictable, you know that Ronit?’ He let his arm drop away from me, I must have been walking normally. ‘You’re going to end up somewhere else one day. Somewhere wild, somewhere fun.’

‘Do you think so?’

‘I do. Sometimes you see people in these places and you just know. Their minds are too big to be held down by dogma and tradition.’

I started to feel excited. My heart was beating harder and propelling the alcohol in my blood. ‘Where do you think I’ll go?’

‘I don’t know.’ He looked down at me and smiled. ‘Wherever you want to go, I imagine.’

We were outside my house. How that happened I had no idea. His words were swilling around in my head. He was telling me great things, things that made me happy and free and liberated.

‘Can I kiss you?’ He asked, with such gentleness I almost invited him inside our house. I wanted him to touch me, to tell me more about myself, to tell me where I would go and what I would do with my life. Then, I thought of Esti and my heart clenched.

‘You can kiss my cheek.’ I said, locking eyes with him.

He clenched his jaw and grinned at me. He leant in and I smelt him again; a rusty, salty, manly aroma. I felt his lips on my skin, his chin was scratchy. He lingered there for longer than I thought he would. When he pulled away, he smiled at me. He was always smiling.

‘So unpredictable.’ He said, before nodding his goodbye.

He stalked away, back to the park I imagine. I marched into my deserted house and went straight to my father's study. I found a notebook that had only one page of writing in. I tore it out and threw it into a pile of papers in the corner. I took the notebook to my room, with a pen and a book of my father's called 'Atlas' I'd also stolen. I opened it to the first page, _Europe_. I took the pen and started writing the words on the blank page facing me. 

> _Places I Want To Go:_

I didn't stop writing until Esti called later that evening.


	34. The Future

It happened one morning, after a dream about her. It hadn’t been a good dream. She was trying to leave, attempting to catch a bus. She had a bag on her back and she was on the other side of the road, calling to me. 

Come with me, she shouted.

I looked back and saw bright lights, shining behind my mother and father. The Rav was there, his face was dark and bitter. A tense battle of light and dark on both sides, I felt myself tear. I tried to step into the road, but I was stopped by an invisible barrier.

Quick Esti! Ronit yelled. It’s coming!

The bus was flying down the road, blood red and distorted. It was going to take her away from me. I tried again to step towards her but I was being dragged back. I tried to call to her, I tried to ask her what was happening but she was already staring past me, up at the sky. 

Then, she was gone.

 

I woke up drenched, sweat covering every inch of my body. I couldn't let her go, but how could we ever be together here? It would take courage, bravery and some level of brass stupidity. I thought about my parents faces in the dream; my father had been smiling, almost encouragingly. Was that a sign? Could he understand? Love was complex, no one really understood it. Of all the people I could tell, I couldn’t truly imagine him being angry if I told him the truth. 

I lifted my leaden arms from under the duvet and pulled my locked diary box from under my bed. I unlocked it using the key taped to the bed frame and turned the crisp pages to the next blank page. 

_ I am going to be with her. Whether it’s forever, or just a short time. We will be happy one day.  _

 

Time stretched on and I made every effort to fill my time with Ronit. Every opportunity I had was spent attempting to be with her. I learned more about her, because I wanted to soak her up. I wanted everything she said to be etched into my memory, every facial expression painted onto my brain, every flick of her hair, every smile, every moan and twitch of her body. It was mine and I didn’t want to share it with anyone. 

I tried to change the subject every time she mentioned leaving, though it was becoming more and more difficult and she understood my motives straight away. 

‘I was reading about a place called Hungary.’ She said one day while leaning out of my window, the thick smoke of a cigarette easing through her lips. My parents were away visiting my grandfather, who was ill. ‘There’s a lot of Jews there. Maybe I could convince the Rav to take me and leave me there with them. A new family in Hungary.’

‘What colour should I paint my bedroom?’ I asked, as though I hadn’t heard her. I was flicking through an old catalogue of paint colours that my father had given me.

‘I don’t know. Green?’ Ronit said flippantly. ‘Apparently there are these things in Hungary called hot springs. Which is like a lake but it’s hot, and you can swim in it.’

‘You can’t swim.’ I said, not looking up from the teal colours on the page in front of me. 

‘Well I’d learn, obviously.’ She said with a scoff. ‘I’m gonna have to learn a lot of stuff that this shithole never taught me.’

‘I like the duck egg blue.’ I said, showing her the page.

‘Mm, it’s nice.’ She flicked her cigarette. ‘You’re not interested in Hungary?’

‘I’m just trying to pick a colour.’ I said, feeling my face heat up.

Ronit stretched her arms out, threw the cigarette into the tin we kept on the windowsill and stalked over to where I was sitting on the floor. She sat down behind me and nuzzled my hair. Her hands crept around my waist and I felt her push into my lower back, spurning a heat in my groin. 

‘I like the blue.’ She whispered softly into my ear. 

‘M-me too.’ 

‘When are we painting?’

‘You want to help?’ I asked.

‘Of course. Anything to get it done and out of the way quicker.’

I laughed and turned my head. Our faces were inches apart, I could smell the fresh smoke on her skin and breath. She kissed me tenderly, her tongue was done talking about Hungary. 

I wasn’t sure how long my parents would be out, but to be safe we were both quiet. Every lift, turn and shift of our bodies was hushed, every gasp was barely audible. We ended up on my bed, one of her hands under my shirt and and the other cupping my face. My arms were around her waist, carefully touching and tickling her skin. She licked the inside of my mouth with vigour, and gently bit my bottom lip. The longer we did this, the more skilled she got and I knew she was learning in intimate ways what worked for me, what worked for my body. Would she be the only person to ever understand me like this? 

The hand that had been on my face wandered down and soon enough was stroking that familiar sweet spot between my legs. It wasn’t long before my hands were woven through her hair and my lips were panting her name. 

I’d never find joy like this with anyone else. The words echoed in my head as Ronit’s fingers and tongue worked in miraculous ways. I was on my back, bliss consuming me, when I heard the front door open. 

‘Sh-’ I bolted upright and Ronit broke away, I saw her chin glistening.

‘Ow.’ She said, frowning and holding her chin. I’d felt the contact when I’d sat up; my knee smacking her in the face.

‘Sorr-’ I went to say but I was interrupted. 

‘Esti?’ My mother’s harsh voice rang out and all feelings of love and desire dashed from my being. 

‘I’m up here.’ I called, my voice was croaky and hoarse. 

‘Just checking.’ I heard her say. 

‘You don’t need to be so jumpy.’ Ronit whispered, still rubbing her chin. ‘Your parents aren’t exactly cheetahs. They won’t suddenly appear in your room.’ 

‘I’m sorry.’ I said again, leaning forward and reaching for her face. ‘Did it hurt?’

‘No, it’s fine.’ She said while waving my concern away. Then, I saw the corners of her mouth rise. ‘Can I carry on?’

‘I- I…’ I thought about it. My parents rarely visited me in my room. Sometimes my father would knock and ask me if I wanted to help him build or paint something in the garage with him, or to ask my opinion on dinner. I wanted more than anything to finish, to feel the power of her mouth and fingers charging inside me. 

‘Yes.’ I said finally. I leant back and opened my legs, making sure I stroked her with my foot as they parted. 

She dove back to me, and though I was tense at first, she soon made me feel all of those feelings again, until I was clutching the covers and her hair and my chest was convulsing silently. 

 

‘I almost told my father about you the other day.’ 

We’d both finished some time ago and we were laying there, half naked, stroking each other. 

‘You’re joking?’ She said, looking entertained, as though I’d just told a great joke. 

I shook my head. ‘I had a bad dream, and I wanted to tell someone.’

‘You could have told me.’ She said, so carelessly, but she would never have understood the fear the dream had caused me. She wouldn’t have understood the conundrum or the problems it had raised.

‘Someone else. I wanted to tell someone else.’ 

‘You’re mad.’ She turned back to face the ceiling and scratched her stomach, she started to laugh. ‘You weren’t  _ actually _ going to tell him about us, were you?’

I nodded. ‘I don’t think he’d react that badly.’

‘He might not lose his head, like… he wouldn’t react like the Rav,’ Ronit sat up and stretched her back, I noticed the individual indents of her spine and couldn’t help but run my finger along it. ‘But he’s still got that rot in his brain. That poison in him that makes him think a certain way.’

I started to feel stupid and naive, so I twiddled my fingers together. They were sticky and smelled like Ronit. 

‘He wouldn’t accept it. Never. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.’ She said, laying back down and facing me. She stroked my hair and looked into my eyes with such care and softness that I felt safe, if only for just a fleeting moment.

‘I’m telling you Esti,’ Ronit continued. ‘You’ll never be happy here.’

 

> _ Maybe Ronit is right.  _

I wrote that night. That was all I wrote. I couldn’t say any more because I was frightened of looking at the truth, too anxious to comprehend the uncertainty of the future. Ronit went back to her house. She had to leave and I couldn’t go with her because my mother was infuriatingly stubborn and unfair. Tonight was the night Shayna was staying at Ronit’s, and I desperately wanted to be there. Instead I’d had to watch her walk away after a hurried, rushed kiss behind the door. I’d immediately stormed to my bedroom in the worst mood, refusing dinner and not speaking to either of my parents.

‘Esti?’ My father’s voice pulled me away from the blank page I was staring at. I slammed it shut nonetheless.

‘What?’

‘May I come in?’

‘No.’

‘You have a visitor.’

Oh no. I already knew who it would be. ‘I don’t want to-’

Dovid stepped into my room, but my father didn’t leave us alone; he remained at the door. He would always leave me and Ronit alone, within seconds. Did he know?

‘Thank you Mr Halper. Hello Esti.’

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked him quickly and sharply. I didn’t want to see him, not in the dim light of my bedroom when he painfully looked like Ronit.

‘I just came to see how you were. It’s been a while.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Esti, be kind.’ My father said with disappointment. 

‘I’m fine, thank you.’ I uttered.

Dovid smiled and stared at me. He just stared at me, for how long I don’t know, I lost track. He inhaled and his chest rose. 

‘Good. I’m glad you’re well.’ He looked sad, but I didn’t care. I was only thinking about Shayna, spending the night with Ronit. It made me burn with thick, course envy. ‘I’ll… I’ll be going then. Unless you want to take a walk?’

‘No, my legs hurt.’ I said. I wasn’t entirely lying, Ronit had roughly pushed my legs apart earlier, it had strained the back of my thigh.

‘Very well.’ Dovid said, his voice deep and filled with an attempt of self-preservation. ‘Thank you again Mr Halper.’ He turned and left, leaving a smell of incense and sweat lingering behind him. 

My father saw him out but came back to my bedroom. 

‘Can I have a word?’ He asked, coming in and sitting on the end of my bed without me saying anything. 

I looked at him as he sat there with a slouched spine. He was getting skinnier. Where his arms had been toned before, I could now see that they were sinewy and bony, where his shoulders had been broad, they were now narrow. His face was tired and his facial hair looked scratchy and grey. He smelled like stale smoke, sawdust and the materials he wore always made me itch. I loved him so much, surely he would love me no matter what.

‘You should be kinder to Dovid.’ He said, his words instantly knocking me.

‘Why?’

‘You know why, Esti.’ He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. ‘You are a smart girl.’

‘I don’t. I don’t know what you mean.’

‘He is essentially the Rav’s son.’

‘So?’

‘He is going to be the Rav one day. And he favours you, greatly. You must-’

‘I’m close to Ronit.’ I said. ‘She’s the Rav’s daughter.’

‘That is not the same, you know that.’ He said. I saw his patience waning. ‘Your mother and I will not always be here. You will need someone to care for you and Dovid would do that. He would be happy to do that, I can see that.’

‘But-’

‘I do not want to force you to do anything, Esti.’ He stood up and sighed. ‘You must think of the future.’

‘I don’t want to.’ I mumbled. The sentence was unfinished. 

_ I don’t want to think of a future without Ronit, _ is what I wanted to say.

‘You must, my dear. You must.’

He kissed the top of my head and left me alone, in a knot of confusion and sadness.

As soon as he’d left, I opened my diary up to the empty page. I scribbled out one word of what I had written, with a stream of tears in my eyes.

> _ Ronit is right. _


	35. The Board Game

Esti’s mother was so rotten. I knew she didn’t like me for whatever reason, but I didn’t like her either, so it was even. I returned to my dark, empty house by myself, even though Esti could have come with me. I didn’t see anyone on my walk home, which I was mildly disappointed about. Even seeing Dovid might have moved my mood from one of sadness to one of passionate anger, and anything was better than sadness. The next person I would see would be Shayna, I thought, and that was no fun. 

The Rav had left a note in the kitchen, longer than a few words, which was unlike him. Maybe Mrs Ceder made him write something nice.

_ Ronit, I am with Mrs Ceder at her house. We are having a meal there this evening. Please come along, if you wish. Your father. _

I scoffed.

_ If you wish.  _

Those three words said more than the entire note put together. To someone like Mrs Ceder, that would mean little;  _ if you wish _ . It sounded like a kind, thoughtful offer, but my father was neither kind nor thoughtful. He knew I wouldn’t want to join him, he knew I would never willingly go to a meal at Mrs Ceder’s house. I left the note on the side and went to the fridge. I started pulling apart the roast chicken that was leftover from the weekend, I put the slivers of cold meat between two slices of bread and took it to my bedroom. I ate it and skimmed my Atlas book while I waited for Shayna. 

 

‘I brought a game with me.’ She said, almost immediately after stepping into the house. She was wearing a dark brown pinafore dress with matching shiny shoes. Her backpack was on her back, but I didn’t see a sleeping bag. I think she’d had a haircut,but I didn’t mention it.

‘What kind of game?’ I asked, trailing towards the dining room. If Shayna were Esti, we’d already be in my bedroom.

‘It’s called a board game. It’s about spelling out words with little tiles.’

‘Is it called a board game because I’d get bored playing it?’

Shayna tittered, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. ‘No, it’s because it’s played on a board. I’ll show you.’ 

The game was boring. It has been exactly what Shayna has said, spelling words out that connected in some way to the other words on the board. I was yawning so much my jaw was starting to hurt.

‘It’s called Scrabble. It’s not usually played by girls.’ Shayna said, attempting to fill the quiet.

‘Because most of us can’t read?’

‘Well, no. We’re just usually busier than the men aren’t we?’

I nodded. She was right. I’d never considered that Shayna might have opinions on this place outside of what we were supposed to think. 

‘Do you think that’s fair?’ I asked her, as she packed away the game after an unsuccessful attempt to get me to enjoy it. 

‘What’s fair?’

‘That we have to work our whole lives while the men just read and study the Torah?’

She looked confused. ‘That’s how it has always been.’ 

‘Right.’ I said, sitting up. I was suddenly feeling more awake. ‘The Jews have always been persecuted all over the world. Do you think that’s fair? Because it’s always been that way?’ I sat back on the dining chair and put my feet on the table.

‘That’s different.’ She said, scratching her head and frowning at me.

‘Of course it’s different.’ I scowled. ‘But just because something has always been one way it doesn’t mean it’s fair. It doesn’t mean it should keep happening.’

She looked like she was thinking hard about what I’d said. A few creases had appeared in her forehead, and her long nose was crinkled slightly. 

‘Think about it Shayna.’ I said. ‘You’re smart. What do you want to do when you’re older?’

‘Erm, I’d… well I’d like to teach, probably.’

‘Teach… here? Or teach somewhere else?’

‘Here.’

God, this was boring. ‘Come here, I want to show you something.’ I said, hopping up and making my way towards my bedroom. Shayna followed me so closely, it was like she was stuck to me.

When we reached my bedroom, I heard her sigh quietly but then she tried to cover it up with a cough. 

‘Look.’ I said, showing her the Atlas book. I turned it open to a random page. 

‘Australia?’ Shayna said. ‘I know about Australia. We have family over there.’

‘Exactly, why not go to Australia and teach?’

‘How would I get there?’

I laughed. ‘How everyone gets anywhere. Planes, trains, cars, boats. You’d find a way to get there. The world isn’t very big Shayna, they fit it all into this book, so how big can it really be?’

Shayna didn’t say anything for a while as she perused over the pages on Australia. Pictures of strange looking animals, barren deserts and ocean reefs. ‘It looks very pretty.’ She said finally. ‘But so is Mornington Park.’

I grumbled and closed the book. What a pointless exercise. I wasn’t even excited about the prospect of Shayna going to Australia. At least when I spoke about these exotic places with Esti, or when I showed them to Esti, I could at least envisage both of us there. Rolling around on the beaches, living in our own home, the picture of which that shifted almost daily. Some days we lived in a caravan, roaming all over Europe, from the west coast of Portugal to the east coast of Bulgaria. Some days we lived in a beach hut in Thailand, and some days we lived in the tall, silver buildings that lined the Manhattan skyline. 

It was all a dream, but it was something that kept me alive.

‘Do you want to play another game?’ Shayna asked, jerking me from my thoughts.

‘Okay.’ I said, sliding the book under my bed.

 

‘How was your sleepover?’ Esti asked me the next day at school. Her voice sounded thick and groggy. 

The night before had dragged out. Shayna had wanted to play Truth or Dare, and we’d sat there while I picked Truth every time and she picked Dare. She’d asked me if I fancied Esti, and I had told her I did, just to see her reaction. At first she was giddy, but then she played the rest of the game with a disheartened spirit. I dared her to snort salt and stand on her head, which had been the highlights of the night.

‘Boring.’ I said, trying to hold Esti’s hand, but she didn’t notice and stuffed it into her pocket. It was cold today, the trail of our breath floated in front of us as we walked through the playground.

‘What did you do?’ She asked.

‘Played this really boring game called… Scribble, I think? I don’t know, it was stupid.’

‘Did she sleep in your bed?’

I sniffed and the cold air stabbed my nostrils. ‘Yes.’

Esti nodded and wiped her nose, her eyes fell slightly.

‘Nothing happened.’ I said, attempting to reassure her. It wasn’t like Caleb stayed the night, I wanted to say, but I didn’t.

‘I believe you.’ She said.

We walked in silence for the next few seconds. I could see Shayna and Deborah and a few others standing along the fence, watching us. I wonder if Shayna had told them that I had a crush on Esti, it would be funny if she did. To me, it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. Esti’s tongue had been inside me and my fingers had been inside her so much, how could someone not see that we liked each other?

‘I want to kiss you.’ I whispered, feeling the burn in my groin contrasting so much with the iciness on my skin. ‘Can we go somewhere?’

There was a sudden flash of brightness in her face then. She lifted her head and looked up at me, the corners of her mouth slightly turned up. The tip of her nose was bright red and her eyes looked shiny and deep, like the ocean. 

‘We can go behind the sheds.’ She suggested. ‘Where we went that one time.’

I nodded and led the way.

It was a perfectly secluded area, we didn’t have many public ones left. Our secret garden had recently been closed off because someone had bought the house next to it. The park was getting too popular during the summer and in the winter it was too cold. The only real place we had was in the alleyways and here, behind the sheds. I thanked a god I didn’t believe in that my father was so negligent that we had the full reign of our house most days.

She pressed her entire face against mine almost immediately, though her hands remained in her pockets. I felt the chill on her cheeks, nose and her blue lips. It was delightful when our mouths opened and I felt the heat and depth of our tongues clashing. I held her face and closed my eyes as our mouths moved in a steady pace and with a loving rhythm. I could always tell when Esti missed me, or when she was jealous; she kissed differently. 

‘Let’s go to my house.’ I said, pulling away from her because the swell between my legs was growing harder to ignore.

‘We- we’re at school.’

‘I know, but half the girls are off anyway.’ I cleared my throat and stared at her lips, the lips I wanted on me. ‘Because of that sick bug. We could say we had that, no one will check.’

‘Miss Stern will-’

‘She’s given up.’ I said.

It was true. Something had happened recently, her “husband” had gone away. I had heard Mrs Ceder talking about it the week before when I’d gone to the market with her.

_ ‘She’s an awful wreck, the poor thing.’ Mrs Ceder had said. _

_ ‘He just upped and left?’ Her friend asked. _

_ ‘Yes, and no one has heard any word since.’ _

Since then, she’d spent every hour in school as vacant as a shadow, her face was never made up and her  _ sheitel _ , well sometimes she didn’t wear one, which spoke volumes.

‘Okay.’ Esti mumbled through trembling lips.

Exhilarated, we darted out of the school through the rusty back gate, careful to avoid the stares of girls watching us as we brazenly left the school. We practically ran back to my house, hand in hand. The front door wasn’t double locked, which was odd; I tried to recall whether I’d locked both when I left that morning, but I didn’t think about it for long.

My father would be at the synagogue, I’d heard him leave early that morning after coming in late the night before. The house was quiet, bare and perfect for the mood we were both in. 

I pulled off her blazer, and she threw mine behind me, all the while our mouths were pressed together, our tongues moving with speed and force, small gasps and moans emitting from the back of our throats. We ran upstairs and I pushed her against my door and kissed her again, we were both panting loudly; it almost seemed to echo throughout the house. I threw Esti onto her back on my bed and she started to laugh as she pulled me on top of her. Our skin was still cold from being outside, and there was no heating in the house, but soon enough we were sweating and hot and rolling together.

I thought I heard a creak in the hallway outside, but I didn’t stop, my fingers were too impatient. 

‘Oh Ronit.’ Esti breathed the words out loud as my fingers reached her. ‘Yes, yes, Ronit.’

I loved it when she was like this, when she was vocal, when she could be free. I felt her liberation in every gasp and every whisper.

I spoke her name back to her as my fingers curled inside her. She bit her bottom lip but the noises continued the same. I continued to thrust my arm as her cries grew louder, she started to pant my name which always drove me wild. A part of me wanted to slow down, to draw it out but I couldn’t. A dizzying lust was forcing me to go faster, to watch Esti’s face crease with pleasure and her mouth open with want.

There was another creak outside. I pulled my eyes away from the beauty of Esti’s face,  looked up and saw that my door was ajar. As Esti reached that climax, grabbed both of my arms and moaned my name a final time, I saw someone standing there, unmoving. His face contorted with horror, the sickness of jealousy etched onto his face, Dovid didn’t look away. Neither did I.


	36. The Study Room

Esti’s breathing was loud and high-pitched and battling the ringing in my ears; she started to laugh and pulled my face down so she could kiss me. She hadn't seen him. Her hands were clammy and her tongue was begging for me, she'd even started to lower herself. I pecked her lips and then my head shot up again instinctively. He was gone. He’d disappeared.

‘Ronit?’ Esti spoke as her chest rose and fell. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘Dovid.’ I blurted it out without meaning to, still leaning over Esti with my heart starting to thud uncomfortably in my chest.

‘Wh- what?’ She looked confused, but oddly amused.

‘Dovid. He was just- he was there; he was watching us.’

Esti scrambled onto her elbows and turned around the face the door, the sweet floral smell on her neck wafted upwards. She studied the empty corridor beyond my bedroom door and turned back to me with a frown. ‘No one’s there, Ronit.’ She stroked my sweaty cheek.

‘He was. He was there.’

‘Are you sure?’

I nodded gravely. Her pupils started to dilate, and the colour in her cheeks faded.

‘He… saw us? He saw- he saw- just now? While I was...? He was in the house?’

I nodded again.

‘Why isn’t he at school?’ She sounded angry and jumped out of the bed. With outrage in every step, she ran to the door and closed it. What good she thought that would do now, I didn’t know, but I didn’t question it. I sat up and placed both of my feet on the carpet.

‘Oh no, oh no, oh no.’ She paced the room and clutched both sides of her head.

‘Esti, calm dow-’

‘He saw us? He saw us doing- he saw- he heard me when I...?’

‘Esti, I’ll talk to him.’ I tried to sound confident, I could still feel the stickiness she’d left on my fingers and tried not to focus on it.

‘He- he- what if he tells someone?’ Esti was beginning to hyperventilate, so I stood up to hold her shoulders.

‘What will he tell them, Esti?’ I gazed into her shocked eyes. ‘He probably doesn’t even know what we were doing. He wouldn’t know what to say.’

‘But we were on top of the covers! He would have seen your- your hand- in-’

‘You’ve still got your skirt on.’ I reasoned and took a step back. ‘He wouldn’t have seen anything.’

‘But I- what if-’

‘Esti,’ I said her name softly even though adrenaline was churning inside me at an extreme level, it was making me dizzy and nauseous. I started to pull on my clothes, just to have something to do. ‘I’ll talk to him. I’ll handle it.’

She looked scared, whether it was the entire situation or the idea of me handling it, I didn’t ask.

‘I’ll look after you.’ I said. ‘I promise.’

She wasn’t calming down, she was in a state. Her upper body was bare, but she’d pulled an old shirt of mine around her shoulders; her legs were also bare but they were partially covered by her long black skirt. We’d been in such a rush to touch each other that some of our clothes had remained on. I couldn’t know for certain what Dovid had seen through that crack in the door.

‘Just- stay here.’ I said, finally pulling a jumper over my head. ‘Lay low and don’t go to school.’

She was nodding fervently. ‘What if someone sees you?’

‘I have to catch up with him now, Esti.’

She nodded again and hurriedly kissed me; her mouth was trembling. ‘Okay. Okay.’

I kissed her once more before I left and ran downstairs. Dovid had left the front door slightly open. I ran up the street towards town; I couldn’t see him anywhere but I had a vague idea of where he’d be going. I didn’t know what he would think, I was going in blind but I preferred that. A sliver of me was happy; satisfied in the knowledge that he had seen the extent of Esti’s immense pleasure when she’d been with me. It was something he needed to see, something he had to understand.

I rounded the corner and paced towards the _beit midrash_ that sat adjacent to the synagogue. Dovid was always in one of the smaller private rooms there, studying and surrounded by precious texts that would never make him happy. Normally girls weren’t allowed in that room in particular, but I’d force my way through if I had to. I thought of Esti, in my bedroom. I wonder if she’d stay there. I wanted her to be there when I got back from this; all things considered I still wanted her mouth on me because I was pent up and walking was difficult.

There was no one by the door, so I walked straight in through the heavy double doors. Several older boys saw me and almost dropped their books on the floor.

‘Have you seen Dovid?’ I asked them, aware my legs and arms were bare.

One of them nodded and pointed, his friends gulped and looked away from me, their pockmarked cheeks blushing a harsh red.

‘Thanks.’ I said and marched towards the study room, exactly where I thought he’d be.

I knocked hard on the door. There was no answer, so I barged in. Dovid was alone, thankfully, and sitting at a long desk facing the door. His face was as white as a winter cloud and his eyes were stormy and black. His fists were clenched on top of the table.

‘Dovid?’ I said, stepping into the room. He didn’t say anything, I noticed his hands were all red except for his knuckles, which were as white as his face. I tried to keep my understanding of his pain at the front of my head. He liked Esti, I know he liked Esti but I wouldn’t lie to him; I wouldn’t coat the truth. ‘What you saw just no-’

‘Were you hurting her?’ His voice was sharp like a knife, but his question was clueless and I almost laughed.

‘Hurting her?’ I repeated, to make sure I’d heard him right.

He gave me one curt nod. I felt my face falling into a mocking, amused expression. ‘No, I wasn’t.’

‘She was crying.’

I bit my lip, why was this so funny? ‘She wasn’t crying.’ I said.

‘It looked like she was.’

I nodded. I had to try and understand; I’d seen, heard and felt Esti climax hundreds of times, Dovid hadn’t.

‘I wasn’t hurting her, and she wasn’t crying.’ I said, hoping we could move past that.

‘Well what was happening then?’ He looked at me as he hissed the question, I felt the hairs on my neck stand up and my lip twitched. I was reacting to his sudden hostility. I hoped we could fight in here, in this holy place.

‘Why were you in my house?’ I asked him, stepping forward, only the desk separating us.

‘Why does that matter?’ He stood up, he was the same height as me, though his shoulders were broader, which made him look bigger.

‘It matters because it makes you look like a creep.’ I stated. Dovid paused.

‘I was picking something up for the Rav. Even still-’

‘So you were in my house, and you heard us come in but you didn’t pop out and say hello? You just stayed hidden away? And then you spied on us, like a creep?’

‘I didn’t want a scene, Ronit. I don’t like your attitude, and I don’t like your disrespect-’

‘I only disrespect you because you disrespect me, all the time. And you disrespect Esti.’

‘I- I would never disrespect her.’

‘You do! You do, Dovid!’ I wanted to scream at him, but I didn’t want anyone else coming in. ‘I’ve told you so many times, she doesn’t like you. She doesn’t like other boys. She’s not- you can’t change her.’

I was saying too much; I knew I was but I couldn’t help it.

‘She doesn’t need to change.’ Dovid said, I could hear his breath whistling through his nostrils. ‘She is perfect as she is.’

‘You’re not seeing the real Esti.’ I sneered. ‘You’re seeing her through the ignorant eyes in your thick skull.’

‘At least I don’t pollute her.’ Dovid’s volume started to raise. ‘At least I don’t pull her away from school and her learning and do sordid things to her. _I_ am the one who respects her!’

‘What does sordid mean?’

‘I- it- dishonourable. Immoral. You have debased her.’

I lunged for him then. I grabbed his collar with both hands and he held onto my arms; with surprising strength he lifted me and pushed me against a bookcase. I struggled out of his arms and kicked his shin, which made him call out in pain. I pushed him as hard as I could into a row of chairs, which he stumbled over. He scampered onto his feet, his chest puffed out. I could barely see his lips, and his eyes were so dark he looked demonic. He had edged towards me and he raised his fist so that it was inches from my face. I slapped it away and felt myself shaking. We were silent and ruffled for several minutes. He finally smoothed a bit of his hair down and started to talk again.

‘Of course,’ he sounded like the Rav when he started sentences with that. ‘If you really want to convince me of this, then there are ways that she can be fixed.’ His head dropped slightly.

‘What- what do you mean?’ I said, aware I was still a mess but past caring.

‘If she is ill, like you say, then there are cures.’

I felt my eyes narrow. ‘You wouldn’t.’

‘I wouldn’t have a choice.’ Dovid said.

‘How- how can you claim to respect her when you think like this? You think she’s sick? You think you can cure her, but it’s who she is Dovid.’

‘She respects the word of the Torah. Her religion means everything to her, she is devout, she is pure and she is good. And if she is unwell... in her head, then her community will look after her.’

I started shaking my head. ‘You can’t.’

‘You have told me Ronit. I am only acting on your words.’

I felt my teeth gritting together.

‘Her mother and father should know, then the Rav. The Rav will know what to do.’

‘No.’

‘No what?’

‘You don’t tell anyone. I mean it Dovid, don’t tell anyone or I’ll rip your tongue out of your head.’

‘Such violence, Ronit. Such anger. It is unhealthy and against the word of Hashem to keep it inside you.’

‘Fuck off with that Dovid, I mean it, don’t tell _anyone_!’

‘You have given me little choice.’ He was acting haughty and it took everything in my entire being not to run at him again.

We were at a stalemate. He knew what he was doing. He was creating an opportunity for himself, which I had to respect was cleverly done. He was ensuring he still kept a mental hold of Esti, while at the same time knowing I would have to back down, forcing me to admit what he wanted to hear. He knew that I wouldn’t betray Esti.

‘What would it take for you not to tell anyone?’

He shrugged.

‘What if I said it was me?’

‘What do you mean?’ He asked, his chin rising slightly. I’d got it right.

I swallowed the saliva that had pooled in my mouth. If he was going to push me to my limit, I was going to push him to his. ‘It’s my fault. How she is and how she acts, it’s because of me. What you saw, back at the house… that’s... what I do to her, all the time.’

I noticed his jaw clench.

‘I make her feel good. I touch her, everywher-’

‘Enough.’ Dovid said, turning away from me.

‘I tempt her. I’m like the serpent with the fruit, and she’s just poor, innocent Eve.’

Dovid’s breathing was laboured, he turned back to me slowly. I noticed his Adam’s apple quivering.

‘So,’ his voice was croaky. ‘It is your doing.’

‘All of it.’

‘I see.’

‘So, you won’t tell anyone about her? You won’t try and “cure” her?’

She shook his head briefly.

‘Promise me.’

‘I… promise.’ He said reluctantly. ‘I just have to think about what to do with you.’ Dovid said.

‘Yeah, good luck with that.’ I wanted to leave now. I’d been standing up for too long and I was eager to get back to Esti.

‘You mustn’t… do that to her anymore.’ He said. ‘You mustn’t.’

‘I promise I won’t.’ I said, holding back a desire to laugh again.

‘You’re lying.’

‘You can’t prove it, either way.’ I shrugged and turned towards the door. ‘Unless you creep on us again.’

He looked stuck, like he didn’t know what to say or do next. He’d tried to control the situation, but I’d won really. He was left with the thoughts of me giving Esti pleasure he couldn’t dream of and I left knowing he wouldn’t utter a word of this to anyone. It was too mortifying for him.

‘Goodbye Dovid.’ I said, intentionally leaving the door open behind me as I left. I heard him begin to follow me, but then someone called his name, an older man. I smirked as I pushed the giant doors to and inhaled the fresh air outside.

 

When I arrived home, Esti was waiting behind the front door, a frantic look on her face. My heart swooped because she’d stayed there; she’d listened to me.

‘What happened?’ She asked immediately.

‘It’s fine. It’s fine.’ I opened my arms and she fell into them, her head was heavy on my shoulder. ‘It’s sorted.’

‘What did you say? What did he see? Did he say?’

‘He… thought I was hurting you.’ I replied.

‘R-really?’ She pulled her head back and she looked slightly confused.

‘Mmhm.’

‘What did you say?’

‘I told him that… it was all my fault.’

‘You… you didn’t need to do that.’

‘I wanted to.’ I looked at her, knowing that no matter what she said, I was always going to take the blame for whatever happened between us. I always had done and perhaps I always would. I would always choose taking full responsibility than see her suffer under the weight of her own worry and judgement. ‘He’s not going to say anything, to anyone.’

‘Really?’ She asked, her small hands nervously clasped together. ‘You’re sure?’

‘I promise.’

‘Do you… do you think I should talk to him?’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Don’t go out of your way to… maybe just avoid him for a little bit. We both should.’

‘O-okay.’

‘And we need to be more careful, a _lot_ more careful.’

‘You’re right.’

I smiled at her, and she smiled at me. She ran her tongue along her lip, and seeing it made my groin feel funny. I took a step back and lifted the door chain up and slotted it into the lock, so that anyone who tried to get in, couldn’t.

‘That’s pretty careful, isn’t it?’ I asked, and she laughed despite herself.

She got onto her tiptoes and kissed me. ‘Thank you, Ronit.’ She said, stroking my wild hair behind my ears. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

I felt her tongue in my mouth and I lifted her up slightly, with my hands around her rear. She giggled, took my hand and led me back to the bedroom.


	37. The Trip

We were very careful after the incident with Dovid. We had been careful more to circumstance than anything else; we simply had less opportunities. The Rav and Mrs Ceder, for whatever reason, were spending more time at the Rav’s house, which meant if we did do things, we were limited, quiet and normally clothed. The Rav also started to hold study sessions in his dining room, where all of the younger boys would group and read together. It had been going on for so long, I could barely remember what Ronit felt like.

‘I bet it was Dovid’s idea. The study group.’ Ronit said one evening in her bedroom; the boys had been laughing and making lots of noise downstairs. ‘It must have been. The Rav would never have thought of it.’

‘They’re quite annoying.’ I said, listening to the boys holler and shout. They often wandered around the house and along the corridor to get books from the Rav’s study. One boy had even wandered into Ronit’s room mistakenly, luckily we’d been fully clothed and only kissing. Ronit had shouted at him to get out, and with a remarkably red face, he had swiftly closed the door as quick as a blink.

‘They make the whole house fucking stink.’ Ronit sneered and flicked her cigarette out of the window, down to the gravel below. ‘They’re so gross. And they’re eating all of our food.’

I looked at her, she was getting skinnier and almost pallid looking. I worried slightly, that between the Rav’s negligence and her stubborn refusal to eat almost anything Mrs Ceder made her, that she would get underweight and sick, but then she was also getting taller, so maybe it was just growth.

‘You can always eat at my house.’ I suggested. ‘There’s always food at mine.’

‘With your mum hovering around us? I’d rather have the shits downstairs.’ She stood up and stretched her arms, her shirt lifted and revealed her pale stomach, which I wanted to put my mouth on. A loud obnoxious holler from downstairs distracted me.

‘I could bring food here then, from my house.’

‘You don’t need to look after me, Esti.’

‘I’m not, I just- don’t want you to not eat.’

‘I eat plenty. You’re the one that barely eats.’

‘Why are you being like this?’

‘Like what?’

‘Prickly, and... mean.’

She went to speak, but she ended up just sighing. ‘I’m sorry. I’m frustrated.’ She threw herself onto the bed and sighed again. ‘I can’t wait for them all to fuck off to wherever they’re going.’

‘To Europe?’

‘Yeah. One of those countries where women aren’t allowed to talk unless they’re spoken to first. Dovid will love it.’

I snorted and Ronit pulled me towards her, laughing. She kissed me softly, it had been the first time we’d kissed since I’d been there. She’d been angry and smoking non-stop when I arrived, because one of the boys had eaten the chicken salad she’d made. Her hand smoothed over my waist and hips as her tongue delved deeper, taking over my ability to think clearly. 

‘You remember the other day?’ Ronit said abruptly, her face pulling away from mine.

‘Mm?’

‘When you wanted to go to  _ Shul _ , and I didn’t?’

I nodded and wet my lips, hoping she’d kiss me again.

‘I went to the park instead.’

‘I remember.’

I’d met her there afterwards, I had been in a grump because she’d left me in the synagogue, but she’d had an awful row with the Rav that morning, so I can see why she didn’t want to sit down and listen to him speak for hours.

‘I met a bunch of secular boys.’

That locked my attention, I stopped thinking about kissing.

‘Right…’

‘They were smoking and they gave me one and I started talking to them, they taught me some words-’

‘Why didn’t you tell me about this before?’

She shrugged and stroked my arm. ‘I was more interested in seeing you, I guess I forgot. Anyway, they were talking about girls and stuff. And sex.’

‘Sex?’ I repeated the word; it sounded foreign in my mouth, but also extremely familiar.

She nodded. ‘Sex is what we do, when we touch each other. It’s called fucking.’ As she said that, she let her hand smooth over my stomach, she pulled up my jumper and rested her hand over my belly button. ‘One of the boys said he’d gone ‘the whole way’.’

‘What does that mean?’

She looked at me with an almost pitying look of wisdom. I didn’t like it. ‘Well, you know what men have?’ She said.

I felt myself blushing. I nodded once. Ronit continued.

‘It’s called a ‘dick’, and that goes inside you, they called it a ‘pussy’, but I don’t know about that. But that’s what makes a baby.’

‘I know how babies are made, Ronit.’ I said hastily, and feeling my face heat up. The words ‘dick’ and ‘pussy’ sounded unappealing, I didn’t even like thinking about them.

‘Right, well that’s sex. That’s what ‘the whole way’ is. When the man and the woman do it at the same time.’

I paused and laid on my back. ‘So... we can’t go the whole way?’

She shook her head. ‘I think it’s stupid, the ‘going the whole way’ thing. What does it matter if a guy’s dick goes inside you? Why is that a big deal? But this guy was really stupid, and I don’t think he’s ever even touched a girl, let alone gone the whole way.’

‘What did you contribute to the conversation?’ I asked her, leaning on my side and taking her in; every small expression that crossed her face. She bit her lip and started to laugh.

‘Nothing.’

‘Ronit…’

‘I- well, they were being so cocky, and apart from knowing the names of things, I don’t think they knew what they were talking about at all.’

‘What did you say?’ I said, half-impatient, half-amused.

‘I told them I’ve been with a girl.’

A pump of excitement throbbed inside me. ‘What did you say?’

‘I said I’d touched a girl, and they told me to prove it. So I told them about… how it felt, what you sounded like when I did certain things.’

I felt my breathing quicken. ‘What did they say?’

‘They said I could be lying, because I’m a girl. But then I told them what you tasted like, then they believed me.’ She looked down and then up again. ‘It’s called a… clit. That’s what’s so sensitive.’

‘Clit?’ I whispered the forbidden sounding word. Though it didn’t sound wrong to me like the others, this one sounded right. It settled well in my head, and it made me throb when I thought of it. I said the word again, my tongue wrapped around it, making the ‘L’ sound, then the hard ‘T’. This conversation was making me feel excited and hot.

Ronit started stroking me, stroking my clit, that word again, it finally had a name; I breathed hard into her mouth, with my lips shuddering. I slid my hand under the waistband of her tights and felt how wet she was; I groaned.

‘And that feeling, the way you feel, when it feels the best?’ She gasped. I gulped and nodded.

‘That’s called coming.’ She spoke with a quiver as my fingers sped up.

‘Coming?’

‘Mm.’ I heard the air shake in her lungs.

There was a sudden, abrupt knock on her door and we both bolted up. I pulled my hand into my lap and covered it with my other hand; my fingers were wet.

‘Ronit?’ It was one of the boys from downstairs, he was looking down at the carpet.

‘What do you want?’ Ronit was aggressive, she really was pent up.

‘Erm - the- the- the Rav asked that you run out and get us some food fr-from the deli.’ The young boy was stuttering and spluttering and I prayed Ronit would be easy on him; he’d obviously drawn the short straw in being the messenger.

‘You can go and tell the Rav that I am not his slave. He has two fat legs he can use.’

The boy bowed his head and shuffled away, red-faced and embarrassed.

‘I hate it here. I hate it.’ Ronit laid back and huffed. It was starting to feel like we would never be able to be together again. ‘I just want to fuck you and I can’t.’ She said that word and it made me throb.

I took her face in my hands and kissed her lips and her chin. ‘They’ll be going home soon. It’s late, and then we can do stuff.’

‘But the Rav and Mrs Ceder are here, and we can’t be loud.’

‘No, but soon the Rav will be away - for two weeks.’

Her eyes softened and I saw a spark of excitement. ‘I forgot it was that long.’

I nodded and stroked her cheek. ‘We’ll be able to fuck all we want.’ I said, and that made Ronit’s mouth open. She took my face and kissed me hard. Soon, I heard the footfall of an angry Rav storming up the stairs.

 

**Ronit**

The day my father and Dovid left was probably one of the happiest days of my life, even though it was only for two weeks.

Mrs Ceder was weeping like a wet flannel because she was going to miss the Rav, but I gladly waved them both off. Dovid didn’t speak to me at all, he hadn’t spoken to me since our tussle in the study room. He was stormy faced as he sat in the back of the taxi they were riding to the airport. A large part of me was jealous that they were going away, because I knew if I went away I would never return. It would be my escape, but then I thought of Esti and those sad, complicated battle of emotions twisted inside of me so I pushed it down, and tried not to think about it.

I laughed as they drove away, I thought of the evening before, when Dovid had eaten dinner with us and tried to get out of the trip, as a last-ditch attempt to continue to spy on me and Esti.

‘I could be your representative here, Rav.’

My father had chuckled as he poured himself and Mrs Ceder a brandy. ‘My boy, you are too young for that.’

‘What about the library project, Rav?’ Dovid asked, trying desperately not to sound like he was begging. ‘It will fall behind so much.’

‘I can do that while you’re away.’ I suggested, looking at my father. 

‘You wouldn’t know what to do.’ Dovid hissed.

‘It’s just sorting books and filing them by name isn’t it? I can do that, I’ve had to do it before.’ I was going to finish the sentence with ‘as a punishment’, but I thought better of it.

‘There you are!’ My father said jovially. ‘Thank you Ronit, that is very good and selfless of you.’

I smiled smugly and I felt Dovid’s scorn scatter across the table. We said no more to each other after that. 

‘I’ll look after Ronit while you’re away.’ Mrs Ceder said, taking a swig of her alcohol.

‘I don’t need looking after.’ I mumbled.

‘No, of course you don’t.’ Mrs Ceder corrected herself quickly. ‘You’re quite grown up. I’ll just- I’ll make sure the fridge is stocked.’ She seemed very sad that my father was going away, so I didn’t cause any trouble.

‘Thank you Mrs Ceder.’ I said, my father looked pleased with me. 

That night, before I went to bed, he told me that he loved me, and that he would think of me when he was away. I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded and carried onto my room.

 

I called Esti almost immediately, my body was excited. I had been anticipating this for a long time. The freedom to have her in my house whenever I wanted, to touch and kiss her wherever with no fear that someone would overhear us or catch us.

‘Hi.’ I said.

‘Have they gone?’

‘Just now.’ I said, I could feel the heat between us, even over the phone.

‘Can I come over?’ She asked. I laughed.

‘You can come over and you don’t have to leave.’ I replied. 

We said some more excitable words to each other and hung up the phone. I started to make my way to my bedroom when Mrs Ceder called me down.

‘Ronit?’

‘Yes?’ I stopped and turned back, terrified she’d say she wanted me to go shopping with her or that she was intending to stay for some reason.

‘I’ve made up some sandwich fillers, they’re in the fridge in case you get hungry. Did I hear you on the phone to Esti?’

‘Yes, she’s coming over.’

‘Oh good, well there’s enough for her too.’

‘Thank you… Mrs Ceder.’

She smiled at me, it was a sweet maternal smile. I wondered then why she had no children of her own.

‘I’ll pop in and see you at some point.’

‘Okay, thanks again.’ Then, Mrs Ceder left, and soon after that Esti arrived.

The house was quiet and we kissed behind the front door, with intense passion and freedom. I slowly took her clothes off and kissed her shoulders and neck tenderly. Instead of going upstairs, I took her into the living room. I sat back on the sofa and I pulled her on top of me. 

‘No one’s home?’ She asked.

‘No one at all.’

She grinned and kissed me, and we didn’t stop kissing until my eager fingers were inside her and she broke away to gasp and clutch my hair. This is how it would be, I thought, if we lived alone. When we were grown ups, we could have our own house with our own bedroom and we would be able to do this all the time. I wondered if she would ever come with me when I left, because when I thought about a life without her, it was grey and devastating. I was her Ronit and she was my Esti, what more could I ever want?


	38. The First Day

There were days during those two weeks where we didn’t get dressed, days when we didn’t move from Ronit’s bed and days when I would remain in between her legs for hours, drawing out every breath slowly and teasingly. 

On the first day, Ronit turned the heating dial up to a high temperature (much higher than the Rav ever would have allowed) just so we could walk around the house naked. She drew all of the curtains and locked the front door, because Mrs Ceder had a key now. Ronit cooked breakfast for me on that morning; she laid out a platter of cereals, toast, jams and other spreads. She also came up with all sort of plans for us that day, plans which never happened, but it was sweet that she thought of them. She was a new person; unrestricted, adventurous, free. It was the Ronit I’d fallen in love with. 

‘I thought after breakfast,’ Ronit said, putting her drained glass of orange juice down. ‘We could shower together.’ 

‘Shower? Both of us?’

She nodded and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. ‘I’d like it. I think it’ll be fun.’

I started to feel a simmering of lust, even though we’d been fucking all night, using all of the new words we’d learnt.

‘I’d like that too.’ I said, and Ronit’s face beamed. I started to think about her hot, wet, naked body pressed against mine and I couldn’t finish my marmalade on toast. 

In our gowns, which were wrapped loosely around us because the house was so warm, we made our way to the bathroom. Ronit turned the shower on full, it was powerful and soon hot water was spluttering into the bath and forcing steam to rise and fog the air around us. There was a harsher light in Ronit’s bathroom, a bright yellow beam that lit up our bodies. I saw every inch of her when she dropped her robe to the floor; I noticed some of the marks I’d made over her breasts and stomach, they got lower and my eyes settled on a patch of red on her thigh; I quivered. She saw me staring and smiled. Raising a hand, she started to caress my neck, her fingers weaving up to massage my scalp. The tender way she touched my hair, it made me shiver. I got chills all over my body. I thought of how wonderful it would be to be married to Ronit, who would be able to do this after wearing my  _ sheitel _ all day. 

A sudden booming, angry voice rattled around my head. 

_ That would never happen, it would never be allowed.  _

I shook the thoughts away physically.

‘Are you okay?’ Ronit asked me with concern lacing her words, her fingers slowed down.

‘Yeah, yes I’m fine. Please, keep doing that.’ 

Ronit continued moving her fingers over my head and down to my shoulders, the pressure of them perfectly soothing each bit of my body they touched. She took her hands away and stepped into the bath, holding her hand out for me. By now, the air had grown grey with steam and the heat was delightfully suffocating. 

The water hit Ronit first, instantly drenching her thick, wild hair and taming it. The trickles of water ran down her body and made her pale skin glisten. I couldn’t help but put both of my hands on her, one on her hip, the other gently holding her breast. A breath shuddered out of me and we held our faces close, but we didn’t kiss immediately. We let the hot air seep into our pores, we let the water scald us, we let our hands smooth over the slippery skin of our bodies. We allowed the pulsing tension to rise with the steam and soon, I felt both of our bodies throbbing. Ronit was staring at my lips as the water pummelled her back, her mouth was pouting, begging to be kissed. I leaned in, and she grabbed me, her tongue devoured me and we started to moan loudly as we kissed. It was liberating. For the first time in my life, I felt like a grown up. 

The shower lasted a long time, the ends of my fingers had started to go wrinkly by the time we were getting out of it, and my knees had started to shake from the constant kneeling and standing and holding myself against Ronit and leaning against the wall. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other in the shower; it was one of the most exciting experiences I’d had, and I think Ronit felt the same. 

We went to her bedroom after that, and we dried each other and then just fell into her bed with our lips locked and our fingers wandering. It was bliss; there were no other people, no interruptions and nothing to worry about. It was Ronit and me, just how it should always be. 

 

We must have fallen asleep, because suddenly it was the afternoon. We were under Ronit’s covers, in the comfort of her bed, laying in each other’s arms, still naked. Someone was knocking on the door, trying to get into the house, but because Ronit had locked it, they were having trouble. We must have woken up because of the sound.

‘It must be Mrs Ceder.’ Ronit stretched and yawned and went to stand up. I could tell she was still feel shaky from the shower. ‘She’s probably just dropping off groceries.’

Ronit pulled a cashmere jumper over her head and tucked her legs into a pair of blue shorts, the ones that made her legs look longer than they were. She kissed my head before she left. I stretched out under the sheets and smelled her pillow while she was gone. I could never describe the smell of hair, whenever I tried to write about it in my diary, I always struggled.

> _ She smells like the outdoors. Like cut grass and new, budding trees in the spring. But she also smells like freshly baked bread and hot chocolate. She smells like rain and poetry and candles and home. She smells like everything that makes me happy. _

I heard an unfamiliar voice downstairs that didn’t belong to Mrs Ceder; it was a man’s voice. Ronit’s voice replied, and although I couldn’t hear what she was saying, she sounded animated. I got up and put a pair of her shorts on and pulled a jumper on. I opened the door to her bedroom and made my way downstairs, slowly, soundlessly and cautiously. 

Caleb was standing in the doorway, wearing a long grey coat, his kippah sitting lazily on his head. He had grown taller since I last saw him, he was staring down at Ronit smirking, always smirking.

‘...Dovid said you might be lonely, with him and the Rav away.’

‘Oh, did he?’ Ronit said, too playfully for my liking.

‘He did. Said you might want some company.’

‘I have company.’ Ronit said. I waited on the stairs, eager to hear the next part of their conversation. 

‘I thought you might.’ Caleb chuckled. ‘Esti is here, isn’t she?’

‘What makes you think it’s Esti?’

‘An inkling, I suppose.’ I could hear him smiling from here.

‘Esti is here. Your inkling is correct.’

There was a short period of silence, and suddenly terror gripped me; terror that they might be kissing, so I rushed to the bottom of the stairs, stumbling on the last one. Both of their heads snapped towards me.

‘Hello Esti.’ Caleb raised his hand in a short wave.

‘Hi.’ I said, making my way to Ronit’s side.

‘You two look… ruffled.’ Caleb said, holding his chin out slightly. I wasn’t sure what reaction he wanted from us, but I didn’t like his implication. 

‘We were taking a nap.’

‘Right.’ Caleb said, nodding. I wasn’t sure if he believed Ronit or not, but technically she wasn’t lying. ‘I didn’t think you’d need company.’

‘No, Dovid was lying. He probably just wanted you to spy on me.’ Ronit said, and I cursed the fact that she said whatever was on her mind. 

‘Spy on you?’ Caleb’s head drooped. ‘Why would I- why would he spy on you?’

Ronit shrugged. ‘He’s a creep.’

Caleb looked confused, his face was crinkled into a frown which made him look ugly. ‘Okay. Well, you know where I live if you do get lonely.’ He spoke directly to Ronit, but winked at me as he left, forcing the pit of my stomach to alight with jealousy.

‘He’s such a knob.’ Ronit said, closing the door behind him. My teeth were gritted together, so I didn’t respond immediately.

‘Do you think he knows about us?’

‘He says weird things sometimes, to make out he knows something.’ Ronit replied. 

‘I hope he does know.’ I said, not knowing if I meant it or not. 

 

Mrs Ceder did visit later that evening. She was a lovely woman, she wasn’t intrusive at all and the thing that made me like her the most, was that I genuinely believed she cared for Ronit. I didn’t really understand why some people lost their parents at a young age, I didn’t know why tragedy seemed to happen to good people; I was always told it was part of a greater plan. That when we died, our souls remained on earth, to await the reunification of body and spirit,  _ olam haba _ .

Still, the fact that Ronit had no mother made me sad for her. Now Mrs Ceder had come around, I felt less sorrow for her.

‘Ronit, eat a bit more please.’ Mrs Ceder spooned another helping of rice and vegetables onto Ronit’s plate.

‘I’ve had loads.’ Ronit said, letting a burp out after she finished speaking. 

‘Just that last little bit. We need more meat on your bones, you’re thin as a chicken bone. Both of you are. Esti, you eat more as well.’

Mrs Ceder didn’t eat with us, she only came to cook and then she said she would leave again. Although she stayed for longer than expected and got drunk, then she started crying because she missed the Rav again. Ronit rolled her eyes several times, which forced me to bite my lip so as not to laugh.

‘She does cry a bloody lot, doesn’t she?’ Ronit said after she’d finally gone. We went back to the kitchen to tidy up, but Mrs Ceder had already done everything.

‘I understand it.’ I said, going to hold her hand. ‘I’d cry if you went away for two weeks.’

Ronit’s back stiffened then. Her face was indecipherable. It was becoming a hole in our friendship that we couldn’t talk about; leaving. It was becoming taboo. Ronit always talked of abandoning Hendon, I would always try and change the subject, otherwise we’d both end up fighting in futility or we’d both be upset. I worried she would say something then, it reminded me of the dream I’d had when she’d almost left without me. 

Though she simply kissed me, with her hands on my neck, resting just under my jaw. It was a sensual kiss and I welcomed it. One day we would have to face some sort of sadness together, but today wasn’t that day.


	39. The Car Ride

The best times we had were when we would lay on my bed for hours, talking, laughing and kissing. We’d be clothed or nude, it didn’t matter much. The house was constantly warm, but we still huddled close together and sometimes we slept with our faces inches apart. I’d stroke her forehead and she’d stroke my waist and arms and I’d never felt so happy in my life. When she woke up before me, she’d wake me up with kisses dotted all over my body; when I woke before her, I would do the same. It was cherished time, our time and no one else’s. It was during those short two weeks, that I think I really fell in love with her.

Esti had to leave a few times while the Rav and Dovid were away, mostly just to keep her mother happy. Though I had noticed more and more that Josef was getting shorter with me and I didn’t know why. He was never cruel or mean to me; he never made me feel how Esti’s mother did or how the Rav did, he was just… brief. The first time I realised this was when he called for Esti on the second or third day of the Rav and Dovid’s trip. He knocked at the door and didn’t smile when he saw me. He looked more ragged, more old; it was disconcerting.

‘Hello Ronit.’ He said, with a brief upturn of his mouth.

‘Hello Josef. How are you? Esti’s just coming.’ I said, overly brightly.

He only nodded at me, and when Esti got to the bottom of the stairs, he didn’t smile and started rushing her. It was unsettling. It made me feel like one of the stronger ties I had to the community was fraying, it upset me more than I cared to admit.

The second time I noticed his odd shift in attitude was much more obvious. He snapped at Esti, which I’d never seen before, not ever. Her mother had been waiting in the car, the engine was still running as it sat out on the drive, the exhaust coughing and spluttering.

‘Esti, would you please hurry?’ Josef said impatiently. ‘We were supposed to be there twenty minutes ago!’

They were on their way to visit Esti’s grandfather, who was getting sicker and more frail by the day. I noticed Esti’s face reddening under her hair as she tied her shoelaces. The way he spoke to her stoked a fire in the pit of my stomach.

‘She’s going as fast as she can.’ I said, entirely in Esti’s defence, though I instantly questioned whether she would have wanted me to say something.

Josef didn’t say anything once again, he only stared at me with his mouth open. A vein in his forehead, one similar to the one Esti got whenever she was stressed, started to pump and rise above the skin.

‘Esti, come on.’ He said finally.

She didn’t come back that night. She called me and told me that she had to do something with her mother for her grandfather, some sort of writing and reading of a will and some filing of documents in his house. They were already preparing for his death.

‘I can help.’ I suggested meekly, not wanting to admit that I didn’t want to spend an evening without Esti, but also because I liked her grandfather Levi a lot; he helped me fix my cameras when they broke.

‘I don’t- I don’t think that’s a good idea Ronit.’ Esti said it as though I should have known the reason.

‘Why? Was it because of your dad earlier? I was just trying to-’

‘No, I know... I know why you said it. I didn’t-’ she converted to a whisper. ‘I didn’t thank you earlier, but thank you. I liked it.’

‘You’re… welcome.’

‘I just don’t think you should come here, for a little while.’

‘You don’t think I should come to your house, ever, do you?’

‘It’s difficult, Ronit.’

‘You can be honest.’ I was nodding, even though I knew Esti couldn’t see me. ‘Do they both hate me now?’

‘No!’ Esti said, incredibly quickly. ‘No, no they don’t. They don’t hate you.’

‘If they do, I don’t mind. You can tell me.’

‘They don’t, Ronit. No one can hate you. It’s impossible to hate you.’

I wanted to say it then. I wanted to tell her how stuck we were while we were here. If we wanted to be together, really be together, then we would have to leave here one day; they would never let us be like this. The Rav would sooner die than acknowledge what me and Esti did, or how we felt about each other. I know Esti hated acknowledging that, I know she hated to admit it which is why she would always try to change the subject whenever it came up. Now, even her father was turning against us, which surely meant the final straw was ahead of us. I was on the verge of stating this, to speak the truth I’d held inside me for so long, when I heard a voice on the other end of the phone.

‘Esti? Come along dear.’ It was Josef, he sounded softer. So, it was me. A swirly storm spurned in my chest, making me feel black in my heart.

‘I have to… go.’ She murmured.

‘Okay.’

‘What will you do tonight? Will you stay in?’

‘I don’t know. I might go out. It’s still light out.’ I wasn’t lying to upset her. I couldn’t imagine spending an evening alone; I’d lose my mind.

‘Where will you go?’ Esti asked, suddenly very interested in the course of my evening.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Esti- come on.’ It was her mother calling her now. I was glad I only had half a set of parents, and you couldn’t even really call the Rav a parent.

‘What do you think you’ll do?’ She asked again.

‘I don’t know. You should probably go though.’

She was silent, I think I heard her breath echo down the line. ‘I’ll call you later. Maybe I can come over if we don’t get back too late.’

‘I’d like that, but don’t get into trouble for me.’

‘I love you.’ She whispered so quietly I could barely hear it.

‘I love you too.’ I said, at normal volume; the words seemed to shudder around my empty house.

We hung up at the same time. I stood by the phone for several minutes and tried not to think, but it was difficult. What was stopping me from packing my things up now and leaving? I was sixteen, that was old enough to do a lot of things. I could technically leave home now, I could do it.

Who would come looking for me?

Esti would, I was sure of that.

Dovid wouldn’t. He might worry inside, but he’d be glad of it really. It would be the same for the Rav.

Mrs Ceder would probably worry, which is stupid because she barely knew me.

Caleb wouldn’t think twice about me. I’d heard at school earlier that day that he had started kissing one of the other girls in the year above us. I just laughed when Shayna had told me that, surprising myself that I didn’t really care at all, because I had Esti and I don’t think any boy would ever make me feel like she did.

I scanned through almost everyone I knew and I couldn’t think of anyone who would be devastated to see me go, only Esti. I stomped my foot in frustration and went to the front door, not bothering to get a coat. I walked and I walked and I walked. I walked past town, past Esti’s street and towards the park. It was empty, there weren’t even any smoking teenagers in the bandstand, which was odd considering how mild the evening was.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and stormed through anyway. I had no idea where I was going, I was just walking. I wanted to walk until my legs throbbed and my feet cried out for me to stop. I felt like I was a caged bird who was calling to be freed, but now the door had been left open and I wasn’t flying away. Why wasn’t I flying away?

I crossed the small bridge in the park that went over the lake and stopped. I watched several ducklings quacking and stumbling on the wet mud on the bank, trying to follow their mother. They lost their balance and fell into the water and I gasped loudly, but soon enough they’d risen to the surface and were bobbing along happily with each other. I tried to let it encourage me, but it was just a bunch of stupid ducks so I carried on walking. I passed an old man walking his dog, and two women running in revealing clothes that exposed almost their entire leg and tops that showed their stomachs. I didn’t look away when they ran past me.

Why did life have to be so hard?

Was it normal to not want your own life?

Was it strange that I felt like I should have been born somewhere else?

Everyone here is happy to let life happen to them, to let each day pass and question nothing. Nobody here wants to explore, nobody wants change and nobody wants anything other than chicken soup, prayers and Shabbat. It was draining.

Esti is here though, another part of my brain mentioned. Esti is here and we don’t want to be away from Esti.

It made sense then. Everything started falling into place. I only ever had these internal meltdowns when I wasn’t with Esti. Whenever she was away from me, I struggled to find cause and reason to stay, but when I was with her there was no turmoil and no suffering. Esti was the key, Esti was my happiness.

I carried on walking, I was out of the park now and my calves were starting to ache from the pounding of my footsteps on the hard gravel path. I didn’t feel any better for my discovery, because it just gave me another challenge. Would Esti ever really leave this place and come with me?

No, stop. I don’t want to think about that.

The battle was still going on in my head when I reached the street out of the park on the west side. I was getting further and further to the cusp of Hendon, which I’d been to many times before but this felt different for some reason. I had no money, no clothes, no place to stay, but for some reason I felt like once I reached the edge, I might not come back. The sun had disappeared from the sky and the streetlights had started to flicker on, the weak light shining a new path for me.

Could I do it now? No goodbyes, a clean break, no one would ever see me again and it would be fine. It would be better for all of them, especially Esti; I was probably ruining her want of a normal life anyway.

I saw a double decker red bus approaching the bus stop I was near. I could hop on the back and jump off before the conductor had time to ask me for money for a ticket. I could keep doing that until I reached an airport, or a train station. It was starting to get colder now that the sun had gone, I felt a sudden chill in my bones. The bus whirred past me, the driver stared at me as I let it go. Several cars followed it, going past quite quickly because this was the fast road, the one that led straight to the dual carriageway into London. I sighed and rested against the iron bars that surrounded the park, when all of a sudden, a car I recognised slowed and pulled up next to me.

‘Ronit?’

It was Josef, Esti’s father. I looked around in the car but couldn’t see her or her mother. Her grandfather Levi, of course. He lived this way, they must be at his house, collecting his things.

‘Hi.’ I said, trying to hide the fact that my teeth were chattering.

‘Do you want to get in? What are you doing all the way out here?’

‘I just went for a walk.’

‘Well, jump in around this side. I’ll drop you home.’

‘I don’t want to go home Mr Halper.’ I felt like I might cry, which was strange. I bit the tears back. ‘There’s no one there.’

He nodded and I saw his chest go out and back in as he took a deep breath. ‘Then let’s go for a drive.’

My legs were hurting, and my feet too, purposefully stamping them as I walked was a stupid idea. I conceded and walked around to the passenger side of the car and jumped in. It was warm in here, and it smelled like old smoke.

‘I just dropped Esti and her mother off at Levi’s. He’s not at all well these days.’ He said, talking to me as though I were one of his friends at _shul_. ‘We don’t know how long he has left on this earth.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I replied, not knowing why I was sorry, I just knew that was what people said.

‘No, he is old. It is his time.’ He coughed into his elbow. ‘I am… sorry, for how I behaved earlier Ronit.’

My cheeks went red instantly and I had to swallow to make my mouth wet or I’d start coughing like him. I couldn’t remember a time when an adult had apologised to me, and especially sounding like they truly meant it.

‘That’s okay.’ I said.

‘I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. With Levi being ill and with Polli's... I-’

I didn’t say anything. I was grateful for the warmth of the car, the soft cushions of the seat and for Josef.

‘Esti is, sometimes, the only thing that keeps me sane.’

‘I feel the same way, Mr Halper.’

He chuckled then. ‘You’ve gone back to calling me Mr Halper. It’s Josef to you Ronit, or Joe, if you like.’

I nodded and put my hands in my lap.

‘I know how much Esti means to you.’ He said, quite casually, which made me think he had no idea how much she really meant to me. ‘I suppose I grew quite selfish with her, and I am sorry. It’s not her burden, nor yours. You’re young girls, supposed to be enjoying yourselves. Sometimes her mother’s words… they sink quite deeply.’

‘Why doesn’t Mrs Halper like me?’

That took Josef by surprise, his eyes widened and something caught in his throat. ‘She likes you, Ronit.’

‘I don’t think she does.’

‘I’m sorry you feel that way. She has… a strange way of showing her love. I wouldn’t take it personally.’

I looked out of the window, we were heading back towards town and I was shocked to find I was relieved about that. We remained in silence for a long time after that, I watched Hendon go past us as the evening got darker and turned into night. I started to recognise the streets we were in and felt a rock form in my stomach.

‘I really didn’t want to be at home, Josef.’ I said, again, realising where he was driving to.

‘I thought you could run in,’ he said, pulling up alongside my house. ‘Grab some clothes, and then I take you to our house for the night.’

‘But… Esti said she had things to do tonight.’

‘Ach, it won’t take long. Polli has made falafel tonight, there’s far too much of it for us three alone.’

‘Really? Can I really stay the night?’

‘Yes, of course.’ He started rolling a cigarette. ‘It’ll be a nice surprise for Esti to have you there. I’m sure she’d love it.’

My heart felt like it was swelling, in a good way. I almost hugged Josef but I just smiled, jumped out of the car and ran into the house. I grabbed a bundle of clothes and jammed them into a backpack and ran back to the car. Josef was laughing and smoking, and together we drove to his house. Later that night, he came back with Esti and her mother. When she saw me standing in the kitchen, helping to set up the table for dinner, Esti’s face was a picture of such pure happiness and surprise, I knew then that I’d made the right decision not to run away from her.


	40. The Lovebite

We spent the last few days of freedom between my house, Esti’s house and the fort we’d made for ourselves. After the talk I had with Josef, we seemed to have a better understanding of each other. He realised that I relied on Esti as much as he did, so instead of keeping Esti all to myself at my house, I suggested several times that we have dinner and spend the night at hers, which she seemed happy about. Josef appeared appreciative, and he and Mrs Halper were definitely happier, though Esti’s mother still didn’t really engage with me very much. 

I was dreading my father and Dovid coming back, but I knew they would have to eventually. It had been such a peaceful two weeks without them both darkening our lives. I started to feel suffocated just at the idea of them returning.

‘I don’t want anything to change.’ I huffed.

‘Me neither.’ Esti replied. 

It was a warm day, we were laying under a sheet of metal that we’d recently put up in the stretch of grassy land behind my house. We would lie underneath it for hours, though the ground was scratchy and our legs were both usually covered in red rashes by the time we left.

‘I wish it could just be me and you.’ I said. ‘Maybe your dad as well.’

Esti was agreeing silently, her slim fingers gently caressing my hair, weaving through and sometimes getting stuck on the small knots I had.

‘Maybe, we could go somewhere.’ Esti suggested, to my surprise.

‘Where did you have in mind?’

‘I just thought- I’ve been saving my money and I just thought on our last day we could go somewhere… nice.’

I looked up at her and she faltered.

‘I haven’t thought about anywhere, and I don’t have much money but it’s something.’

‘I love that idea.’ I said.

‘Really?’

I nodded eagerly and my mind filled with places that we could go. There were places in London we could go to and spend the day, museums and arcades and shopping centres. Filled with normal people doing normal things, and Esti and I could pretend to be a part of it. 

‘I thought we could go to the cinema.’ Esti spoke quietly, her fingers still running through my hair and over my scalp.

I was slightly disappointed, I had greater, probably unrealistic ideas of what we could do. I sat up and kissed her. ‘I’d love to.’ Her eyes lit up and she smiled widely.

 

On our very last day of freedom, we got on a bus and both made our way into central London. Esti paid for our bus fare and bought us two cans of lemonade and a packet of sweets each from the shop before we caught the bus.

‘How do you have all this money?’ I asked. ‘I thought your family was…’ I was about to say ‘poor’, but it sounded unnecessary and mean so I stopped myself.

‘We are poor.’ Esti said, taking a sip of her drink. ‘My father gives me a little money every week. I think, he mentioned once it was about independence. I don’t know why he does it.’

‘It’s nice.’ I said, feeling the citrus bubbles fizz up my nose. ‘One day I’ll pay you back for everything.’

‘Don’t be silly.’ She said, though she was smiling and I think blushing.

‘I will. I’ll earn loads of money one day and I’ll treat you instead of you always treating me.’

‘You don’t have to do that.’

‘I want to though.’

‘Do you think you’ll want to then? In the future?’

‘I don’t see why not.’ I replied. ‘I’ll treat you to all sorts of things when I’m earning money. Holidays, and big televisions and a huge CD player. I’d buy you a big bookcase for all of your books. I’d even buy us a house.’

‘That sounds perfect.’ Esti said, staring at me with her lips slightly parted.

Our bus came and we sat close to each other, holding hands the entire way. When it was busy, we would stroke each other secretly, but when it emptied we kissed each other. It felt incredible to be out in the open, so free to do whatever we wanted.

‘I think the cinema is this way.’ Esti said. 

I followed her but I was watching everyone else, as I always did whenever we ventured out. We eventually stumbled upon a big shopping centre filled with shops and people and I got those excited butterflies in my stomach being surrounded by normal lives.

The cinema was empty, Esti and I were the only two people in the whole place. I wasn’t sure why, but it was incredible. It was like our own private cinema. We could sit wherever we wanted, but we chose the very back row of seat, directly in the centre. 

The film was about a dinosaur park, where the dinosaurs escaped. It was terrifying and made both of jump, shriek and giggle the whole way through. We held hands again, and we ate popcorn and drank more fizzy drinks and when the film was boring we kissed. Her mouth tasted so sweet, I could have kissed her forever. 

It was when we were heading back and the sky had gone a dark purple colour that I started to feel sad. I felt like the time we’d had together, when we could be ourselves and be who we wanted to be and do what we wanted to do. Now we would go back to our version of normal, which was awful. I would go back to feeling trapped, and Esti would feel defensive and it would be that cycle again until one of us broke it.

‘What are you thinking?’ Esti asked when we were on the bus.

‘I don’t want this to end.’

She looked away and her mouth twisted. ‘I know.’

Neither of us said anything, but we held hands until we got back to my house.

 

The Rav and Dovid were due back in the late morning, so we both woke early so that we could make the most of our last few hours. We were wild with desire. I was on top of her and she was on top of me, both of us naked the entire time. My hands were all over her and her mouth was all over me. We both came so many times and every noise we made filled my room and the entire house. Esti started to bite and suck me, she was over excited and enthusiastic. Her mouth latched to my neck and she moaned loudly as she nipped and sucked the skin, which made me dizzy with lust. It hurt, but it was a nice pain because I could feel the strength of her mouth. She wanted me, I could feel it in every movement she made.

When she’d finished biting my neck, she moved back to my mouth and then worked her way down until her lips were around my clit. I was blinded temporarily, because her mouth was moving so fast that I could barely breathe. 

She made me come one final time. I knew it was the final time because my entire body was screaming with fatigue. I was exhausted and she was too. She fell back on top of me and kissed my face and I kissed hers and eventually, we stupidly dozed off into a nap.

Three sudden, furious raps of the door woke us up.

‘Shit.’ I said, my eyes shooting open. ‘What- is- what’s the time?’

‘Did we fall asleep?’ Esti bolted up, her hair was messy and sweat had made both of our heads clammy and wet. 

‘Shit, we did. Is that the Rav? He’s back already?’

I jumped up and pulled a t-shirt and leggings on. We’d locked the door, maybe that’s why he was furiously banging against it.

‘Fucks sake.’ I said, suddenly feeling all of those angry, tense emotions again.

‘Ronit, wait!’ Esti said. ‘Your neck.’

‘What about it?’ I said, my hands automatically going to my neck.

‘It’s… there’s a mark on it.’

I looked in the mirror on the back of my door and sure enough, Esti was right. She’d left a huge purple mark in the centre of my neck. I felt aroused looking at it, but it was quickly dashed by the need to cover it up. I grabbed a scarf from the floor and wrapped it around my neck, then I ran downstairs.

‘Sorry.’ Esti said, just as I got out of the door.

‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ I shouted at the bottom of the stairs. I unlocked the door and opened it. My father was stood there with Dovid, they were both smiling.

‘Security conscious all of a sudden, Ronit?’ My father said, though he pulled me into a hug.

‘There was a house burglary up the road. Earlier this week.’ I lied. ‘Welcome back.’

‘Thank you, thank you. It is warm in here, is the heating on?’

‘Erm, yes.’ I said. ‘I just turned it on this morning. I was cold, hence the scarf.’ I lied again and the Rav patted my head as though he wasn’t listening. I’d told two lies already and he’d been here less than two minutes. ‘Hello Dovid.’ I said.

‘Ronit, it is good to see you.’ Dovid’s voice sounded deeper and he’d grown more hair on his face.

‘Let us have some tea, Dovid, yes? Ronit, would you put the kettle on?’

‘Sure.’ I said, so I went to the kitchen while Dovid and the Rav went into the living room. I prayed that we hadn’t left any underwear on the sofas in there while the kettle boiled. Dovid came into the kitchen.

‘Hello Ronit.’

‘Hi.’ I pulled some cups down, four in total. He glanced at the cups and looked back to me.

‘Is… Esti here?’ He asked.

‘Yep.’ I said. ‘She’s upstairs.’

He bowed his head. ‘I had a lot of time to think, while I was away Ronit.’

‘Did that hurt?’

He scoffed and passed me a teaspoon from the draw. ‘I have decided to retreat. I do not wish to fight you, especially over nothing.’

‘What do you mean nothing?’

‘Well, we both care for Esti. That is the case, at the end of the day. There is nothing wrong with that, we can both care for Esti.’

‘Right.’

‘There is just no need for the odd hostility we had for each other before I went away.’

‘You called Esti ‘obedient’. I think that called for hostility.’

‘Yes, well. From this point onwards, I think we can both respect Esti in our own ways.’

‘I’ve always respected Esti.’

Dovid’s cheeks turned slightly pink. ‘Very good.’ He said, taking the two cups I’d made for him and the Rav. ‘That is a lovely scarf, by the way. Was it your mother’s?’

‘Yes.’ I replied, taking teas for me and Esti. 

Dovid smiled with thin lips and gestured for me to go. It was a strange interaction, but one that didn’t leave me with a bubbling rage in my stomach, so it was acceptable.

I took the tea to Esti and we spent the rest of the afternoon trying to cover up the mark on my neck with various makeups we found in my mother’s old boxes.


	41. The Lovebite Pt 2

Ronit had been acting strange since the Rav and Dovid returned. She’d been overly protective the day they arrived back at the house, almost shifty. When I asked her what was wrong, she mumbled something about not trusting Dovid, but she wouldn’t explain when I asked her further questions. I didn’t like talking about Dovid with her, I didn’t like remembering what I’d done with him in the past; it brought up awful feelings inside me that I wanted to forget.

Though we had to be quiet for the rest of the evening, because the Rav and Dovid were around and they eventually invited over more friends to discuss their travels, it was pleasant. Ronit and I spent our time laying on her bed, she was tense but I was still so happy that their return hadn’t immediately forced us apart that nothing was affecting my mood. My parents knew I was staying the night, the Rav and Dovid were downstairs and hadn’t disturbed us, and I was laying in Ronit’s bed with her; life was good.

 

‘How’s my neck?’ I woke up to Ronit’s voice first thing in the morning. I peeled my eyes open and sat up; she was standing in front of the mirror, half-naked, orange sunlight poured over her and lit her up.

‘I can’t see your neck.’ I replied, so she turned around and I saw her stomach, her bare chest and finally, her neck. There was a crimson patch on it, I could see the broken purple lines I’d made and felt myself heat up. ‘It… looks quite bad.’ I admitted.

‘It does, doesn’t it? Really obvious.’

‘Mm. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry. It’s fun, I like it.’ Ronit turned back to the mirror and ran her finger over the mark. 

‘You’ll have to hide it today at school.’

‘Maybe I won’t.’ Ronit was grinning, playing with me. I smiled back.

‘I wish you didn’t have to.’ I said. She walked away from the mirror and leaned on the bed, crawling towards me. When she was above me, she lowered herself so that our faces were inches apart, I could feel her arms trembling slightly as she held herself up.

She brought her lips to mine and I felt the soft, warmth of her face which had been warmed by the sun. It was beautiful, and it was ours for that time. 

We walked to school together; we didn’t see the Rav or Dovid as we were leaving, though I was certain that Dovid had stayed the night. We held hands when we could, though Ronit was getting overheated because of the scarf she had to wear around her neck. She was being quiet again, and instead of letting it pass by, when it was obviously upsetting her, I decided to ask questions that I normally wouldn’t.

‘Did Dovid say anything? Last night?’ I asked.

‘No.’ Ronit replied quickly. She tugged her hand away and played with the scarf around her. ‘He asked if you were there and I told him you were.’ She cleared her throat and then continued to talk. ‘Do you like the attention he gives you?’

I didn’t know what to say immediately, so I just stayed quiet for a moment so that I could think.

‘I don’t really.’ I said eventually.

‘You really don’t? Are you sure?’

‘I’m sure. It makes me feel… uncomfortable, I suppose.’

‘Okay.’ Ronit said quietly. ‘That’s good then.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes, because I told him to back off from you, and I knew it was what you wanted anyway, so I’m just glad I-’

‘Ronit-’ I muttered; she looked at me and we’d slowed down along the pavement. ‘I love you.’

A confused smile played on her face and her mouth curved up. ‘Why do you say that?’

‘I just… feel safe with you around, and… I just love you.’

‘I love you too.’

‘Thank you, Ronit.’

She was smiling again, properly; it filled me with a tender joy whenever she smiled. She took my hand and we carried on walking and I felt like I’d achieved something in talking with her. We arrived in the playground early, so Ronit led me behind the sheds so that we could kiss before the bell rang. We were quick and passionate, but we kept on having to stop because we were getting too excited and my mouth kept drying up. She had me pressed against the wall, her tongue inside my mouth when I heard the sound of scraping ground behind us. She leapt back from me and her feet skidded along the concrete.

‘What’re you two doing?’ 

It was Shayna. 

‘Go away Shayna.’ Ronit said.

‘Why have you got a scarf on? It’s really warm today.’ Shayna continued, ignoring Ronit’s demands that she leave. ‘You two always hang out back here. What’s so good about it? It smells funny-’

‘I said go away Shayna-’

‘Ronit, it’s fine.’ I whispered, trying to urge her not to cause a scene.

‘She’s just so nosey.’ Ronit muttered back to us while Shayna lingered in the same spot, staring at us. ‘God, I hate it. I hate school.’

I wanted to hold her hand then and squeeze it and tell her that she was being insatiable, but that we would have time that evening to be together again, but Shayna was there, so I didn’t.

‘Come on, let’s go.’ Ronit said.

I followed her, and soon enough the school bell rang out anyway and drew us all into the classroom.

 

When we were finally seated next to each other, Ronit started to relax again. She spoke in a whisper and leaned into me, so that I could feel the heat from her breath on my cheek which made me feel dizzy.

‘I just feel like everyone wants to stop us. Stop us from being together. Do you ever get that feeling?’

‘I think you’re being paranoid.’ I whispered back.

She shrugged and sat back, leaning back on the two legs of her chair. ‘Maybe.’ She said.

Miss Stern walked into the room, she looked awful; her hair was limp and her face was pale and unmade with huge bags under her eyes.

‘Hello girls.’ She said with an incredible low energy.

‘Hello Miss Stern.’ We all replied in unison, except for Ronit.

Miss Stern sighed and took her seat, she looked around the room and sniffed before taking out the register. ‘Ronit, take your scarf off indoors please.’

‘I want to leave it on.’ Ronit replied with speed.

‘Well, that’s unfortunate.’ Miss Stern said, now looking up. ‘Take it off please.’

‘No.’ 

‘Ronit-’

‘You can’t make me take off my scarf if I want to leave it on.’

I felt Ronit’s temper. I felt an awful guilt inside me because I knew it was my fault.

‘Ronit, don’t make me-’

‘What?’ 

‘Get out, now.’ Miss Stern stood up, knocking her chair back and making the feet of it whine across the classroom floor. ‘Go out now and wait there for me.’

Ronit huffed and launched out of her chair and out of the classroom, slamming the door as she did so. My heart was thudding in my chest and my cheeks were burning red. Miss Stern finished the register quickly and then stormed outside herself.

I heard her raise her voice, and then I heard Ronit raise hers. Then, they went quiet… as though they’d left the corridor entirely. Eventually, after a while, Miss Stern returned but Ronit wasn’t with her. I didn’t see Ronit for the rest of the day.


	42. The Time

When I left the classroom, I looked back at Esti and smiled, but when I got into the corridor, I knew that this wouldn’t be a normal telling off. As soon as Miss Stern realised what was on my neck, what I was hiding from her and the others, it became more serious than usual. I sensed a shift, in how she treated me and in how other adults treated me. I became less of a child in their eyes, and I could see my punishment warping and transforming behind their eyes.

‘What on earth is that?’ Were Miss Stern’s first words.

‘I don’t know.’ I said confidently, though I heard my voice crack slightly. ‘It’s a bruise I think, maybe I punched myself in my sleep by accident-’

‘Don’t be impertinent, Ronit.’ Miss Stern’s face had drained of all colour, as though I’d mortally wounded her. ‘I know what that is, and you know what that is, so why don’t you tell me how you got it?’

‘I told you, I think I punched myself in the-’

‘Ronit! This is serious! This is terrible behaviour. What would your father say if he found out?’

I shrugged. For some reason, I really didn’t care where this was going. If my father found out, if the rest of the school found out, if Dovid found out… none of it mattered to me. 

‘Well, perhaps we’ll see what he has to say.’

‘Fine.’ I muttered, as Miss Stern dragged me towards the school lobby to make a very distressed call to the Rav. 

When he arrived eventually, he’d been busy at the synagogue, he didn’t say a word. He didn’t speak when we walked to the car, and nothing passed between us as we drove home together. Though his face was beetroot red and the tip of his nose was purple. We walked into the house together, me a few steps behind him. After I closed the door, he said only four words: 

‘Go to your room.’

So I did, and neither of us said another thing. 

 

My punishment wasn’t over; just because he hadn’t shouted or thrown threats my way didn’t mean anything. I was banned from seeing Esti altogether. I was also banned from seeing Caleb, which made me feel some glimmer of relief, that people might think it was Caleb that gave me the lovebite and not Esti; more for Esti’s sake than anything. I wasn’t allowed to go to school, all of my work was sent home with teachers or through the post. My father also forced me to go to every  _ shul _ service there was, except for the Saturday one, where I would see everyone I wasn’t supposed to. Sometimes he gave me personal lectures or lessons on morality, sin and purity, he’d end each one my blessing me, as though he was trying to cleanse me of something. It was stupid and annoying and I hated every minute of it, because there was nothing wrong with me. I was especially frustrated because I hadn’t seen Esti in what felt like forever. 

 

It was after a week that I snapped. I’d been stuck in the house for too long and I was starting to feel insane. Every noise the Rav made filled me with anger, every time Dovid’s voice carried up the stairs drove me to madness. I started making note of the times they did things. I took note of when they would pray, when they would study and when they would eat. The times they would be out of the house and the times they would be in. 

I took my chance on a Tuesday afternoon. I’d heard them speaking earlier about a a trip they had to take to old Mr Schuman’s home, he was unwell and when people here were unwell or immobile they were afforded the luxury of a private service with the Rav and his understudy. I waited five minutes after the door closed and the house went silent. I grabbed my coat and darted out of the house, closing the door behind me swiftly and taking all the back roads I knew so that I could run to school. So that I could see Esti.

 

I arrived at the gates, out-of-breath and winded; my face was fiery red and I could feel my hair had frizzed up and gone wild. I didn’t care. I tried to think about where our class would be, it took me a little while but eventually I found our music class. I peered in through the stained glass, the girls in there were all a blur and I couldn’t make out anyone, so I waited outside, slightly hidden in a nook of what used to be an old cloakroom. 

The bell rang after twenty minutes, and the scraping of chairs and scourge of girls came soon after. I thought it was a bit like how an animal would feel in a stampede when they all rushed out at once.

‘Ronit?’

It was Shayna’s voice I heard, even though I was looking straight past her; where was Esti?

‘Hi.’ I said, still gazing over the heads of the girls, but I couldn’t see the short girl with the light brown hair anywhere, I couldn’t see the girl I loved.

‘I heard about what happened.’ Shayna whispered. ‘Did you get into lots of trouble?’

‘What? No, not really. Where’s Esti?’

‘Esti? She hasn’t been in the past few days.’

Shayna had finally caught my full attention.

‘What’s wrong with her? Why hasn’t she been in?’

Shayna shrugged her shoulders, her mouth turned up too but her eyes remained focussed on me. ‘Dunno. She gets sick a lot, doesn’t she? Maybe it’s that. Why did you get suspended? No one knows. Was it about wearing your scarf inside? Seems pretty stupid.’

‘It is stupid.’ 

Shayna was quiet for a moment, the rest of the girls had filtered out of the hallway and soon it was just us. 

‘You can come to my house after school if you want?’

‘Hm? Oh, thanks. I’m going to-’

‘You’re going to see Esti, aren’t you?’

‘Yeah.’

I heard Shayna sigh and she pulled her bag straps up. ‘You should get out of here before a teacher sees you.’ She said solemnly. 

I nodded and backed away, I started running again, running until I felt a burn in my legs, all the way to Esti’s house. I was starting to get sick of running by the time I got there, my calves and thighs were screaming for me to stop. A week or two of staying mostly in my bedroom and walking only between my house and shul had made my legs weak and wobbly. I approached Esti’s house with caution, not wanting to run into Josef or Polli, just in case either of them knew about the lovebite. I didn’t want Esti to get into any sort of trouble.  

It didn’t look like anyone was at home, the curtains were drawn and there were no cars in the drive or outside in the street. I stepped towards the door and knocked lightly, there was no answer. I knocked slightly louder and I sensed movement behind the door. My stomach swooped and I felt a flurry of nerves and worry. What if it was Esti’s mum? I wondered if I should turn and run away, to see who would open the door, but I was too late. It had started to open, and it wasn’t Polli standing in front of me. It was Esti.

I leapt on her, not caring if anyone would see us for a split second. I kissed her lips quickly, it sent a hot rush through me as I pulled her towards me and hugged her. She gripped me back harder.

‘Ronit.’

‘Esti.’

‘I’ve missed you so much.’

‘I missed you too.’

We didn’t let go of each other for a minute or so. It was blissful, to be there in her arms again. Smelling her hair and her neck and feeling the pressure of her against my body. 

‘Did you get into trouble?’ She asked, her voice muffled as her mouth was pressed against my shoulder.

‘No. Not really.’

‘It was horrible at school without you.’

‘Was it?’

‘It was so boring.’ I heard her laugh and it sent a thrill through me.

‘Why aren’t you at school now? I went there, to look for you.’

‘Did you?’ She pulled away, her eyes were wet but she was smiling. She stroked my hair out of my face. ‘My grandfather, he’s-’

‘Oh no.’

‘He hasn’t died, not yet, but they think it’ll be any day now.’

‘Oh, Esti. I’m- I’m sorry.’

Esti didn’t say anything. She was wearing a light green dress and her legs were free from tights or leggings. I wanted badly to touch them.

‘I would have come sooner, but the Rav has-’

‘It’s okay.’ Esti said, raising her hand to stroke me again. ‘It’s okay, really. Come inside, my parents just left.’

I stepped inside the house, which smelled so familiar to me, and faced Esti. I kissed her again, with the freedom of knowing we were the only two in the house. My lips had missed hers, and my fingers had missed running through her hair and the soft touch of her skin. As we embraced, and as we fell back into the flow of love and passion we had for each other, the feeling that made my knees weak and my stomach feel funny, I worried. I worried about the short time we’d been apart. I worried that I would never be able to be apart from her again. I took a breath, I opened my eyes and looked into hers. She looked up at me, her eyes twinkling in the low light of her house. I told myself not to worry and to just keep kissing and holding her as much as I could, because we were together now and I couldn’t waste that time. One day we might be apart for a longer time, but I would have to worry about that then.


	43. The Changes

After the lovebite incident, things were different for me and Esti.

Suddenly, due to no particular reason we barely had any time together. My father kept me busy at home and at  _ shul _ , whether it was organising dusty books in the library or shopping and baking with Mrs Ceder, I had no time of my own. He was also much stricter with the times I had to be home at, I had curfews and chores all of a sudden. Esti’s grandfather was sick and her mother was getting worse in her erratic behaviour, so Esti was barely at home as well. The only time we saw each other properly was at school, and even then our classes had been separated by the teachers and Esti usually got kept behind at school so I couldn’t walk home with her. I knew why it was happening but Esti didn’t.

‘They think I’m a bad influence.’ I said one evening as we were walking home. Esti had squirmed her way out of staying behind with Miss Stern and caught up with me when I’d been walking along the main road.

‘But you’re not. Not really.’ Esti replied. We were holding hands and turning down a quiet alleyway that wasn’t frequented very often. It took us longer to get home when we came this way, but that was our intention.

‘I am a little bit.’ I said with a grin, she smiled back at me and then sighed.

‘Maybe just a little bit.’

‘It’s okay though.’ I said, lifting myself up and straightening my back. I felt I looked more confident when I did that. ‘This is only temporary.’

Esti bowed her head and nodded. ‘What if it isn’t?’

‘It is. You don’t have to live a life you don’t want.’

She didn’t say anything then, and we carried on walking in silence for a while longer. When we reached the end of the alley, I went to kiss her. Her mouth was hot, and the feel of her tongue inside mine was exhilarating. We hadn’t had sex in forever, and I was starting to feel desperate for her. I pressed her against the brick wall and pushed my hips against hers, which made her gasp. I peered around us; the evening was light but there was still no one around so I lowered my hand under her skirt and started stroking her.

‘Ronit.’ She panted my name and her breath moistened my cheek and ear.

‘I really want it, Esti.’

‘Me too, but not here.’

My hand dropped but I stayed close to her, so that I could kiss her once more. Our mouths lingered and I could tell she wanted me, with the way her body was held and the pressure of her hands on my hips, pulling me towards her. She was right though, to do anything there and then would have been reckless and stupid.

‘My parents are going to see my grandfather again tonight.’ She said, her lips still so close to mine. ‘Maybe you could come over?’

‘I can’t. I have to go to a stupid evening service.’

‘Since when do you do what the Rav tells you?’ Esti said, as though she was challenging me.

‘I… well, that’s a good point.’ I said, feeling myself smile. I thought about it, I had been obeying my father without any backtalk for a while now. I thought I knew why, because of the work he’d been making me do at the synagogue and around the house, and the fact that all of the dusty books made me sneezy and exhausted.

‘So, why don’t you sneak out or something?’ Esti sounded like she was begging, it was making me feel more hot and bothered.

‘Maybe I will.’ I said, though my words were just barely above a breath.

‘I hope you do.’

‘What time do they leave?’

‘My father picks my mother up at 4 and they spend the evening there.’ She replied.

‘What time will they be back?’ I asked her and when she spoke next, I could smell the cherry drops she’d eaten on the walk here.

‘They usually get back at 8.’

‘I’ll be there.’

‘Really?’ Esti’s eyes widened and she bit her bottom lip. I nodded in response and held her face so that I could kiss her. ‘How will you do it?’

‘I’ll think of something. I promise.’

We lingered there for as long as we could, until a large banging noise, which sounded like a bin falling over, scared us both into running and laughing out the end of the alleyway. I walked her to the top of her road, like I tried to every time it was possible. Then we parted and I left for my own home feeling that emptiness in the pit of my stomach, but I brightened slightly knowing I was planning on being with Esti later, now I would just have to work out how to get out of service.

When I got in, I acted like normal. My father and Mrs Ceder were in the kitchen; Mrs Ceder was baking something heavenly and my father was leaning against the side rubbing his forehead. 

‘Hello.’ I said. ‘What’re you cooking?’

‘It’s a date and syrup tart, my dear.’ Mrs Ceder replied with a bouncy tone. ‘You can have some later if you like?’

‘Yes please.’ I said, throwing my satchel onto the counter.

‘Ronit.’ My father growled. ‘Take that upstairs, the kitchen is not your wardrobe.’

I scowled and pulled my bag back down, I wanted to linger and see if I could steal some of the tart but it didn’t look like Mrs Ceder and my father were going anywhere. They started talking about someone else, someone in the community who had apparently come into a large sum of money.

‘You should go and see him.’ Mrs Ceder said. ‘See what he can contribute to the synagogue. Hashem knows we need it.’

‘It is not that easy.’ My father replied. ‘We would need to- Ronit, go to your bedroom and stop eavesdropping.’

‘I’m not eavesdropping, I’m getting a drink.’

‘Then take your drink upstairs.’

‘Fine.’ I said, grabbing my glass of juice and suddenly a wave of genius came over me. ‘What you were talking about sounded really greedy and horrible anyway.’

‘Excuse me?’ My father’s voice deepened, but I was trying to direct my words to Mrs Ceder.

‘Someone family member has died and all you’re thinking about is getting your hands on their money for the synagogue?’ I scoffed. ‘Seems pretty evil.’

‘Get to your room,  _ now _ !’ My father said. ‘Don’t you dare speak back to Hana like that.’

‘Rav, it is okay-’

‘Go to your room!’

‘I’m  _ going _ !’ I said, hauling my bag and water towards the staircase.

‘And don’t think of leaving it tonight!’ My father carried on as I wandered to my bedroom, silently giggling. My stupid plan had worked!

 

I heard Mrs Ceder and the Rav leave at 5:30 that evening, which gave me more than enough time to run to Esti’s, be with her for a few hours and be back home by 8pm, when her parents and my father would return. I didn’t waste any time; as soon as the car pulled away from the drive, I pulled my cardigan on and ran out into the street and towards the Halper’s house. 

I arrived there, out of breath and red-faced but I was there, and Esti was there and suddenly everything made sense again.

‘You’re early!’ Esti said, but we were in an embrace before I could answer her. Our lips were pressed together and our hands were tangled in each other’s hair and holding each other’s waists. Her hands ran down my back and pushed under my shirt so that I could feel her tickling the skin on my lower back.

‘Let’s go upstairs.’ I said.

‘Okay.’ Esti nodded and took my hand, we ran up the stairs together. 

Her bedroom smelled like flowers and fresh cotton sheets, it sent a tingle through my entire body, but I didn’t have time to take in everything because soon Esti was on top of me. She pushed me onto her bed and straddled me, she tugged at my clothes and threw them onto the floor and I did the same to her until we were both naked and wrapped around each other. We hadn’t been like this for so long that I was slightly overwhelmed and I had to catch my breath several times. 

She started lowering herself, mumbling something about wanting to taste me and I gritted my teeth together so that I wouldn’t cry out too loud when she reached me. I was wet, I could tell and Esti had realised because I heard her moan in between my legs.

Where times before, her tongue had been fast and rampant, this time it was slow and sensual. It was a loving, caressing movement, that was bringing me closer and closer to an orgasm. She moved around and I felt her fingers slide inside me, at the same pace and movement as her tongue; it was blissful. It was ecstasy. Her mouth could do so much to me. She was down there moving in such a rhythm that it took me by surprise when I was suddenly ready, on the verge of coming. My moans turned higher and more desperate as I clamoured to hold her head, hair and face, supporting her as my hips gyrated upwards.

Our bodies moved together and like that for a while, time was a blur and neither of us cared about anything else in the world while we touched and kissed each other all over. I never wanted it to end.

‘What are you thinking about?’ She asked me, after our sweaty, gleaming bodies had stopped and we were laying in each other’s arms.

‘Nothing.’ I answered, but I was thinking of quite a few things. 

‘You seem preoccupied.’

‘I’m just thinking I should get home soon.’

‘Oh.’ Esti sounded upset. 

‘Well, your parents will be back soon, and I think the Rav might already be home.’

‘That’s fine, I understand.’ She tucked her head further under my arm so that we were huddled together. ‘Sometimes I worry about this.’

‘About what?’

‘Well, all the time, really.’ Esti said.

‘What? What do you worry about?’

‘Just…’ she sighed. ‘How much I love you.’

I didn’t say anything back, I just kissed the top of her head and held her. Eventually I got dressed, and then I went home by myself.


End file.
